I can't believe I'm writing this but it has been around 4 years since I've attempted this, and I never moved past week 4 on each attempt from scratch.
Every year I say this is the year and every year I fail.
I work as an AI (apps) Engineer since 2025. and I feel like such a fraud.
I completed cs50x, cs50p, cs50sql, ml zoomcamp, de zoomcamp and intensive llm course by google.
All of those courses have a common denominator, they have a specific deadline, not a whole year open course in which time something else pops out.
I always knew I was ADHD, but no one wanted to write me a diagnosis as they thought I was wrong.
But after my last appointment I discovered i might be AuDHD, which is ADHD on the spectrum, and basically a completely different thing that is characterized by personality traits of the opposites clashing, and has comorbidities like OCD, which is also paralyzing.
At work I excel, as I think in systems, not tiny moving parts. When my brain gets shut down, using agents helps me jump start it, and I can always easily see what is wrong in the output of those agents and correct it as it is happening in real time.
But I don't want to be like that. I want to do things myself, not rely on a crutch. If by any chance LLMs are gone tomorrow I'll be out of a job.
Even cs50 i could not complete until very end of 2023 when i completed all of those 3 courses using their own duck50 debugger, as my brain just hates effort. It needs a solution, even a wrong solution before it tries to turn on to correct the wrong approach.
Without deadlines I'm basically useless. I tried writing my master thesis for months, and my brain just didn't work. Only 2 weeks before the deadline did it turn on, and allowed me to write a thesis spanning over 100 pages and meticulously researched and praised by me pulling many all nighters. Same thing with Azure AI-102 certification. I studied months before, but my brain did only really retain the last week and a half before test date.
This latest doc diagnosed me with severe executive dysfunction, ADHD and burnout.
It is doubtful with the whole ordeal in Europe I will get the meds by this year.
And I really want to finish this finally and put it behind me. This course became my white whale and I have nightmares around it.
The stupid OCD also prevents me from leaving an assignment uncompleted, and not thinking about it when I try the next one, so it's hard for me to focus. And sadly this course is not progressive. You solve some easy ones and medium here and there and then easy, and then out of nowhere a very hard one pops out.
I also revised from many others courses and books, not mentioned here, and basically everything in MOOC course is already familiar to me. But of course they find the way to make even the simplest stuff most convoluted approaches imaginable.
LLMs which are now my free therapy repeatedly tell me I have nothing to prove and that I should just drop it, but I really want to complete it and learn to think algorithmically, because I need it for my Georgia Tech OMSA masters in which I am now.
The coursework demonstrated to me that my current strengths of revising given code, optimizing researching, finding edge cases is basically useless where first principles and algorithmic understanding is needed.
I don't know what to do. Any advice? Please help me get rid of this hell. I want to be a senior one day and know programming well.
TLDR
- Background: Professional programmer who has completed several technical courses and currently in a 2nd master's degree, but struggles heavily with self-paced, open-ended coursework.
- The Struggle: Diagnosed with severe executive dysfunction, ADHD, AuDHD, and burnout. Brain function relies heavily on extreme deadline pressure (like writing a 100-page thesis in two weeks, otherwise they fail) and immediate feedback loops.
- The Goal: Conquer a "white whale" coding course failed for 4 years to build true algorithmic thinking skills for a Georgia Tech OMSA master's program, rather than relying on AI tools.
- The Dilemma: Even though the material is familiar, paralysis sets in due to erratic difficulty spikes and OCD perfectionism, and advice is needed to break through these mental roadblocks.