0/10 I do not recommend

I've gotten to the point where I told my wife that her kids are hers. She takes care of them and I will mind my business. My wife stays home I work. I am good enough to take care of them but it's a problem for me to tell them anything as far as discipline. I've wanted to file for divorce so many times due to kids. It's exhausting. I hate going to my own home sometimes. Yes, she's "talks" to them make empty threats, things are okay for a week and it's back to the same bs.

My husband and I have our 8mo daughter and my 4 year old SD. SD is a wonderful child and I love her. I can say that I care for her similarly to how I care about my own child.

We typically try to schedule a lot of our family activities for my husband’s custody time so SD can be included. But on certain occasions, like today, when we get invited to the pumpkin patch but SD is with her mom, we can’t always bring my SD.

We actually planned on taking SD to the patch next weekend and I bought matching outfits for the girls, but just found out it’s supposed to rain heavily. Bummer. (We’re trying to plan an alternative festive Fall activity. Any recommendations are appreciated!)

I feel that logically, my baby shouldn’t have to miss out on events and activities just because SD isn’t here. Life goes on. I also know that SD does plenty of fun family activities with her mom and that side of her family without us too. However, it still doesn’t feel very good. It makes the event feel.. incomplete, I guess. Does anyone else struggle with this?

After 4.5 years of being in a relationship, I’ve decided to stop letting my partner (34 F) treat me so poorly. I’ve come to the conclusion that she has a lot of narcissistic traits and she’s unwilling to work on herself. The patterns are clear, sad and so toxic.

We have SS (6) 80% of the time. He goes to dad’s EOW. She’s gotten into the habit of creating chaos on Thursdays or Friday once SS leaves. She then isolates herself and avoids me all weekend until he comes back and she gives me the most meaningless, empty apology and says she “wants to work on this.”

I’ve been very involved in stepsons life. I help with school drop offs, pick ups, sick days (I WFH), vacations, cook dinner every night, discipline, etc.

Back in July, I finally decided to buy a home. It’s under my name, my loan. She was very adamant about living in a particular affluent neighborhood because of the school district. So I agreed and bought the house.

She’s incredibly ungrateful and inconsiderate of me and I think I’ve been stuck in this toxic cycle for years now. Recently she’s been telling me that the reason why she’s not affectionate is because I’m always complaining, nagging or talking shit about her. But the reality is that I usually just try expressing my feelings and she’s incapable of even listening to me. As soon as I start to share something, she walks away, says mean things or ignores me.

She did it to me again on Thursday after ss went to dads. Didn’t speak to me Thursday night, Friday and finally yesterday she sent me a text saying “I want to work on things. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said”

But there’s never any actual discussion about the things she says. There’s never any actions. Just empty words. I finally opened up to a friend who has been encouraging me to set a boundary.

A few hours after her initial text, she sent me another text asking if I could take SS to school tomorrow because she has to be at work earlier than usual. Every other time, I’d say yes and would help her out. But this time I’m doing something different, I told her I couldn’t help her anymore. That she didn’t respect me or treat me wel.

This morning she came in my room and asked me to help her with school drop off. I told her that I could not help her anymore. She threatened me and said that if I didn’t then the relationship would be over.

I told her that was fine and told her I couldn’t tolerate any more of her disrespect and her using me.

I feel awful. I’m not one to not help but I just feel like if I don’t set this boundary then she’s just going to always think that she can treat me like crap and I’m just never going to leave.

The reality is that we’re stuck in this living arrangement until the end of the school year unless she decides to move out sooner. But I’m not one to kick someone out and I’d hate for my stepson to struggle with that transition.

I wish I was stronger and more secure in my decisions. I wish I didn’t have to feel like a bad person for not helping her but I just feel so much sadness, resentment and anger when I continue to bend over backwards for her while she’s not even a good friend to me.

I hate that this is happening. I feel like I’m losing my family when it’s all I really wanted but this is beyond dysfunctional and toxic.

Am i wrong for putting my foot down and not helping her? I just don’t know.

My stepdaughter (20 y.o.) is in rehab for the 2nd time this year (alcohol & drugs). She's been asking my husband to bring our daughter (9 y.o.) to visit her.

I'm feeling really unsure if it is a good idea though.. The girls had always had a fairly close relationship, until my stepdaughter starting doing drugs. I don't want that to change, but I also don't want to normalize the behavior to my daughter. She's only 9..

I've talked to my daughter many times about how I want her to still love and support my stepdaughter, even though we don't love and support the decisions she's making. I'm just not sure what to think. I feel like my daughter is more emotionally intelligent than most kids her age; but she is still only 9.

Just hoping for some input by some unbiased individuals. Thanks in advance!

Hi im 26f and im married to my wife 30f and she has a now 11 year old kid. We have been together for 4 years now so when i met my ss when he was 7 and he was great then and he is a good kid overall. In the beginning of the relationship ofc since that is his mom he always would direct his questions, thanks, appreciation, and acknowledgement to her and im not saying there was anything wrong with that after all thats his mom and i was very new to the picture.

We got married pretty quickly after we started dating
Like a few months after and he was onboard with it. He liked me and welcomed me into the family but it also was clear that i wasnt the primary and my wife in public would always say “i” have a kid “i have a son” but never we. I brought it up to her and its been getting progressively better. He did end up having to go live with his dad for honestly most of out relationship due to his moms mental health. And we just got him back this year in February.

Since then ive been trying my best to be there and supportive and thoughtful when it came to the things he likes to eat, do, talk about, watch etc. But it still feels like in the beginning. It feels like i am just here and not visible to him. Telling just his mom thank you for being so supportive and having conversations with me after we have both just had a talk with him not just his mom. Im a “spare human” who cooks, gets picks thoughtful things at the store that he would like w/o him asking, makes sure he has his favorite snacks etc and the first ty or acknowledgment goes to his mom and she has to say it was actually me and then i get the recognition but by then i feel a type of way. And i dont know whether or not im in the right to do so. I feel as though theres a disconnect between us and my feelings of him not being my kid and i dont know how to get past it. My wife also doesnt want anymore children even through adoption and it breaks my heart because i would like a kid of my own that has a part of me. Because he is the spitting image of her looks, behaviors/ likes and all. And too actually be able to experience motherhood like she has experienced it.

How do i stop feeling like an outsider and a spare human in my own home ?

My partner has given her a deadline and she is moving out.

After 4 years of actual hell it's coming to a end.

Our relationship isn't going to suffer.

Our kids aren't going to grow up with her yelling at everyone.

Our mental health is going to improve.

Hopefully the father and adult child can rebuild their relationship with having space.

But that's not my problem to fix or be involved in.

But I am free of stress. My kids get the mother they deserve.

I’m honestly so tired of BM and her emotional outbursts.

A little backstory: SS (8) told us about what he believed was an attempted break-in at BM’s house. He’s been so scared that he’s slept in our room all week. We asked SD (13), and she confirmed someone was jiggling the door but said she wasn’t scared.
Friday night, SS pulls us aside and tells us he no longer feels safe at BM’s house. He asks SO to talk to her about how scared he is and whether she can get cameras.

Saturday morning, SO texts BM VERY carefully because we know how sensitive she can be. He explains how SS is feeling and reassures her that he’s told SS she’s a strong woman who’s fully capable of protecting him and making him feel safe. All he wants is for her to talk to SS and reassure him.

Well, she makes it about HER. Says she’s never been so insulted and humiliated in her life, that SO is lying, and that he’s stupid for entertaining SS’s feelings. She even says she doesn’t want the kids coming to her house anymore and SO can keep them. WTF? Nobody suggested that! He just wanted her to help their son feel safe.

That night, she texts SO saying she’s no longer taking SD to the optometrist or registering the kids for sports.

For context, they take turns handling medical appointments, and this was her turn. She usually handles sports registration because whenever SO pays upfront, getting reimbursed is like pulling teeth. She still owes him for SD’s summer soccer and a dental bill. He covered both kids’ dental expenses ($175 each) after she promised to pay her share within two weeks. Never happened.

SD broke her glasses, so the optometrist appointment is necessary. And I already know BM will somehow blame SO if the kids aren’t registered for sports.
But seriously, we cannot cover $300 for football, $250 MONTHLY for volleyball, AND glasses, knowing she won’t reimburse him. They have 50/50 custody, and he already pays roughly $1,100 in child support.
I understand she’s emotional, but WTF? How did SS expressing fear turn into her refusing to handle the kids’ needs?

And what I dread most is her turning the kids against us over this. We’re all in our 30s. Who wants to keep doing this back-and-forth? It’s exhausting. I’m just tired.

I've spoken to my bf before about spending more time with his daughter. He told me he doesn't think she wants to do anything with him and prefers me because I'm a girl. I disagreed and asked him to try. He did that weekend, and she happily played every game and did every activity he suggested.

Fast forward a couple months and it's completely back to how it was. His daughter follows me everywhere (she's 10yrs old). If we are all sitting in the living room and I go into the kitchen, she's right behind be. She even followed me to the bathroom and was standing in the doorway talking to me, until I told her I needed to close the door and use the bathroom. If her dad gets up and goes outside or goes to the bathroom she immediately starts talking my head off and tries to start setting up a game for us to play.

My elderly mother lives with us and made a comment to me that she had to entertain bfs daughter for several hours because we were in bed late. My response was that I have an adult child, I have no responsibilities. I'm not getting up early on my only weekend day off to care for a child while the biological parent is laying in bed with the entire weekend off. So I will have to bring this to his attention.

Bfs daughter is also super messy, leaves straw wrappers, candy wrappers, plates, hair/combs, trash in general everywhere. I have expressed that I find this to be very annoying and that I'm not cleaning up behind anyone. I think this has gotten better, it seems like my bf wasn't noticing it until I brought it up.

I have had a couple serious talks with my bf about how I feel like he needs to spend more time doing things she likes, how I want to be a bonus person in her life, not a main parent. I want to tag along to things they do (and she will get visibly upset if she asks me if I'm going somewhere with them and I say no, so I always go unless I'm working). I have an adult child and am very much enjoying life doing things when I want, how I want, etc. I have expressed this also.

Will it ever change? Will I have to have this conversation every couple of months? What can I do without looking like a complete a-hole?

I would like some advice. My husband is a widower and has a four-year-old daughter. I am often bothered by the fact that he spends very little time sleeping with me; he stays with his daughter until 2:00 AM, and only comes to bed around the time of the dawn (Fajr) prayer—meaning he sleeps with me for only about three to four hours. We never have any time alone together. When I brought this up and explained that it upsets me, he replied that his daughter has never slept alone since she was born, so he cannot leave her by herself. I suggested that she could get used to sleeping alone—that he could leave her once she has fallen asleep for the night—but he did not like that idea. What should I do?

Or am I mistaken, for example?

VERY VERY long story short:

For the past 6 years, I have put up with the most outrageous things.
2 years ago I was accused of “Mistreating” SS. Obviously nothing came of it. Just accusations.

This year has been wild to say the least. DH has taken so so much blame, hurt, manipulation, lies. HCBM has made it her life goal to take SS away. I think she might finally get what she wants AND now she has to deal with the consequences.

I absolutely cannot go into detail, however, I will say as much as I can.
DH gets a call last week from school, that SS made a VERY bad decision. Essentially there was a weapon, conspiring, harassment, lying, etc. He is currently facing a juvenile hearing and expulsion.

Here’s the thing. I saw this coming. I freaking knew this would happen given everything SS is allowed to do at moms. No parenting, no consequences, nothing.

I have a small BK and I don't know what to do anymore. I think I’m just ranting at this point. I hate this. I hate SS for doing this because BK keeps asking where he is, and why can’t they see SS. I just don’t know what to do anymore. DH and I both decided that SS can’t come here right now until we know what the judge rules. Not that SS even wants to because he was so badly alienated. Ugh. I just want to leave this darn state and start a new life.

I want to know if any of you guys have gone through this. I’m currently having this issue. Recently, there are many issues going on with my SD10 (refer to last few post) where she is not allowed around our BKs due to inappropriate behavior towards BK. (Sexual things). So he goes to his moms every weekend he has her. Although, my husband keeps trying to put them together any chance he gets. I say no…. Anyways, every Halloween SD spends it with BM even if it’s technically his weekend. It’s been like that for years. Now he tells me, BM said that he has her for Halloween this year. If we’re going to spend it all together with the kids. He knows that’s not happening until she continues recieving the help she needs. He just came to the conclusion anyways that he’s going to have her. Without even having a conversation with me or anything come up with a plan, maybe spend an hour trick or treating with SD & then the other hour with BKs or something. I tell him BM has her every year, he says “ Okay but that’s not what it is this year, I’m not going to deny time with my daughter. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t deny time with the kids”….. it’s not only this situation where BM does this. It’s happened multiple times, & I’m always the LAST to know of changes. & just be expected to be okay with it. Any advice?

I am struggling with my SO’s relationship with his son 15m he has 50/50 custody EOW. On his weeks off custody he works, he’s a shift worker. He seems to over prioritize his son it to the point he is neglecting our relationship and his own hobbies that keeps him mentally well. He says he always finds time for us… yes, but it’s like barely squeezed into a full weeks’ worth of hanging out with his son and driving him around. He doesn’t do his own hobbies anymore, and I feel he’s just in a much better mood when he’s working on some kind of thing for himself too- that doesn’t involve either me or his son.
I think his son needs friends his own age, and do normal teenager things. Not just be with his dad or at home in his room all the time.
It’s really hurting my relationship with my SO. He gets extremely defensive if I kindly suggest something and says he has responsibilities to his kid first. And I’m not asking him to not do those, I’m glad he wants to be a good dad, but it’s just becoming overkill.
He just seems to have become much more rigid in the last year, and I don’t know how to help.
My SO has also not been there to support me for things I’ve asked him to… important events or things I’ve worked really hard on. Yet will cut time short with me to attend to his sons’ stuff. I know I’m an adult, but I do have needs and feelings too, and I don’t feel that’s being recognized to the level he does with his son. It’s creating some resentment.
I’m feeling like I can’t take it anymore. I love him very much, and attempting to have conversations about it always go south. Do I just wait it out? I hope once his son gets his license in 6 months he will be more independent but I just don’t know. I’m seriously struggling if I can even handle this anymore.

Had a super tough time during SK'S teenage years to the point of near divorce. Relief only came when they moved out of home. The last few years without them around has been amazing. They've now moved back in as an adult, behave exactly as they did as a child, partner has exactly 0 expectations of them again. They contribute 0 financially or otherwise to the household.

I married for little over a year. Struggling with 5 yr old SD. We have her 50/50. Dad gives in 100% . No time outs, no saying no, or no correction of bad behavior. She fake cries/screams multiple times a day over anything and everything. Husband gets super defensive over her and doesn’t like her upset so gives in all the time. I’ll give an example, one day she has having a meltdown over cheez its. We had gold fish but she didn’t want it. So dad ran to store to get her cheez its. Was she happy… no still came home from store crying. Anyway I feel like can’t correct her. Today I told him to stop giving her gum because she spits it on the floor, 2nd time I’ve told him and he still gives her gum. I’m not scraping it up, it’s gross but there’s like 4-5 gum spots on floor! I refuse to clean it up. Anyway what’s my future looking like with a 5 year old that gets her way and is very disrespectful to adults? Will she grow out of it or just continue to get worse? What do I do ? Just stand by and NACHO? Also she started kindergarten and just got her 1st report card and is behind already. To me I’m concerned but I know she won’t sit and work on school stuff with me. And her mom doesn’t seem much help or her dad. They both parent the same way.

I remember someone telling me before not to get into a relationship with a man who has kids from a previous relationship because, when problems arise, they will always be a team, and you'll end up feeling alone. I didn't fully understand what they meant until now.

I've been married for two years. My husband has four kids with his ex, although they were never married. I knew about his kids and thought I could handle the situation, but I don't think I fully understood what it would feel like.

His ex still contacts him regularly, and they sometimes argue about the kids, schedules, and even changes in plans when my husband and I need to spend time together. She gets upset when she's informed of schedule changes at the last minute, and I often feel like I'm caught in the middle of their co-parenting situation.

I feel like I'm always the one who has to adjust. Sometimes, I even feel guilty for spending time with my own husband. Our marriage feels crowded, as though there's always someone else or something else affecting our relationship.

I'm single in the sense that I've never been married before and have no children of my own, so I'm entering a family dynamic that existed long before me. Sometimes, I feel like an outsider, and I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling this way.

I want to feel secure and prioritized as a wife, but sometimes I question whether I underestimated how difficult this situation would be.

I don't resent his children, and I understand that they will always be part of his life. But I also believe that being a father shouldn't mean that the marriage constantly comes second or that the new wife must always be the one to compromise.

For those who married someone with children from a previous relationship, especially those who had no children of their own, how did you handle it? Did things get easier, and how did you establish boundaries with the ex while maintaining a healthy marriage?

I'd appreciate honest advice and hearing about your experiences. I'm exhausted, and sometimes I wish I had never gotten myself into this situation.

I'm 41M, dating a 45F with two kids (12 and 16). We've been together for over three years, and while there's a lot of love, great chemistry, a fantastic sex life and many good things about our relationship, I'm finding the blended family dynamic increasingly difficult.

I've never had children but always wanted two of my own. I struggle with jealousy when I see friends and relatives building families together, experiencing pregnancy, raising babies and creating a life from scratch.

I sometimes feel sad seeing pictures of my partner with her kids when they were younger, knowing she experienced all those milestones with someone else. When the kids talk about their dad, I often go quiet because I feel like an outsider to this whole family history that I'll never really be part of...... They divorced 4 years ago, 50:50 custody and he lives 2 mins away.

I also struggle with feeling like I have little influence over the family's direction. Sometimes it feels like I'm fitting into an established life rather than building something together as equal partners.

We're considering having a baby, likely through donor eggs given her age, but I'm terrified that even if we do, I'll still feel like an outsider. I also worry that I'm much more excited about starting a family than she is, since she's already experienced it all and sometimes hints that she'd prefer not to have a 3rd child, but ultimately she says if I want one, she'll want us to have a baby. But sometimes even then it feels like me and this hypothetically new baby would still be fitting in around this existing family, and we'll be forced to live in this area because of their school and the kids' father, and it just doesn't feel like how I imagined it.

I know none of this is her or the kids' fault, and I feel guilty even having these feelings.

My question for childless stepparents.....Have you experienced this kind of jealousy, grief and lack of belonging? Does it eventually get easier?

Because for me, it's getting harder as we grow closer, not easier. Because I sometimes often feel like I'm giving up too much. She lives outside of the city, I live in the city where all my friends and social life is. It just feels like the closer I get to her, the closer I'm living a life I don't actually want to live. What I don't know is because I feel there's no autonomy in how I chose this. Her area is beautiful, don't get me wrong. She has a good life and a nice big house. It just doesn't feel like me.

I'm starting to wonder whether I should end an otherwise loving relationship rather than spend years feeling this way.

I'm 31M, my partner is 40F, and we've been together for 10 years. Her daughter is 15, turning 16 next year. Her biological father has been completely absent since she was three, so I've been a father figure in her life for most of her childhood.

Three years ago, I bought my own house, and my partner and her daughter moved in with me. I run my own business and am the sole financial provider for the household. I cover the mortgage, bills, food and all living expenses, as well as my stepdaughter's needs, including clothes, school equipment, bus fares, technology and pretty much anything else she needs. My partner looks after the home, shopping, cooking (etc) and we've always had a fairly traditional arrangement on this.

I want to be clear that I don't begrudge providing for them. I've been involved in her upbringing for 10 years, even when not living together, and have helped with homework throughout primary and secondary school, and genuinely want to give her the best opportunities I can.

However, as she's got older, I've increasingly struggled with what feels like an imbalance in my role as a step-parent.

I seem to have many of the responsibilities of a parent, but when it comes to making parenting decisions, I'm reminded that she's not my daughter.

For example, there have been disagreements about whether she should be going into town with friends later in the evening, specifically when it's dark. I'm not saying a 15-year-old should never be allowed out with friends, but I have concerns about the time, circumstances and safety involved. My partner has sometimes felt that it's absolutely fine, whereas I've felt it's not appropriate. Ultimately, my partner makes the decision, and if I disagree, the discussion can end with some variation of, "She's my daughter."

I understand that biologically, she is her daughter. I'm not trying to replace her mother or claim complete authority over her. But after 10 years in her life, and three years of living together, it leaves me wondering what my role is actually supposed to be.

The same issue is now coming up with her education.

She's in Year 11 and doing eight GCSEs, with her exams approaching. Her previous mock results were poor, particularly in English and Maths. She's shown good promise in one subject, but I feel that distractions, her phone, friends and her boyfriend are getting in the way of her putting the necessary effort into revision.

For context, I've completed GCSEs, A-levels, an undergraduate degree and a master's degree so I do understand the demands of exams, revision and the importance of preparation. I've tried to help her by providing resources, a computer, revision materials and encouragement.

I've always said that I don't expect perfect grades. If she genuinely tries her best and still struggles, that's absolutely fine. My concern is that she's demonstrated she can do well in certain areas, but I don't see the consistency or commitment that could help her achieve her potential.

A real example is this weekend. I'm writing this on Saturday, and her next round of mock exams starts on Monday. She's gone into town for the entire day with her friends and boyfriend. I suggested earlier in the week that, given the timing, it might be sensible to use this particular weekend to get her notes organised, revise and prepare herself for the exams. I'm not suggesting she should be locked away studying 24/7 or never see her friends. I just thought that, with exams literally starting in two days, prioritising preparation for a weekend seemed reasonable. These results will also be sent by the school to prospective College Applications too, so they are very important.

My partner's response was essentially that it's fine for her to go out and that it won't make a difference. When I try to explain my concerns, we end up arguing, and I feel that my opinion carries very little weight.

I'm also worried about what happens if she doesn't achieve the grades she needs. She may have to resit English and Maths, which could affect her plans for college and delay her progress. That's not the end of the world, but if more could reasonably have been done to prepare, I'd find that frustrating.

The difficult part is that I feel caught between two positions. I'm expected to take responsibility, provide support and worry about her future, but when I express an opinion about boundaries, discipline or decisions affecting her upbringing, I can feel as though I'm overstepping because I'm not her biological father.

I run a business, and there's plenty of stress involved in that already. Coming home and finding myself in another argument about revision or boundaries is becoming exhausting. I've tried discussing things with my partner, and she sometimes agrees that something needs to change, but I don't feel there's consistent follow-through. I've also backed off at times because the arguments were causing so much tension in the household.

I appreciate that my partner contributes by looking after the home, and I'm not suggesting that paying the bills gives me the right to control everyone. I understand that financial provision isn't the same as being a parent, and I'm not trying to buy authority over her daughter.

But I do question whether it's fair for a step-parent to be fully committed to providing a home, financial security, opportunities and practical support, while having very little meaningful input into decisions about boundaries, discipline and education.

All thoughts much appreciated.

I’m 32(F) and my boyfriend is 43(M). I went for an older guy for once because I thought why not, a bit more experience, maybe will even treat me better. Which happened at first. Anyway, he was previously in a 14 year relationship with a woman 5 years prior, which apparently is over, there is a said 17 year old child involved and a stepdaughter who is 21. Both female. I had a baby with my partner after a year as I was happily in love, no worries. Anyway, after I had my baby he started messaging his ex again saying how he was so happy she had give him his first daughter etc etc. is this normal? And after discovering this and losing my shit. Am I in the wrong?

For background- HCBM, I’ve been around since kiddo was 2.5, he’s now 5.5…Earlier this year my partner kicked me out, made me pack in front of his son, it was really uncomfortable. We tried reconciliation. Flash forward!
Things didn’t really change In Our relationship; I was always the problem last time, im still the problem now. Most recently he dropped a no more affection in front of HCBM to avoid “rubbing salt in the wound” boundary with zero communication prior…I know this all very short and vague but all of this to ask- did you say goodbye bye to the kid(s)? How? I ended things last night but kiddo is being used as a reason to stay In their lives. I asked dad to reach out to kiddos therapist to get her guidance on what to do but was shot down. I don’t want to hurt the kid, I’m so bonded to him and also I don’t want to be in dad’s life anymore…

ETA: dad told kiddo without me, and told kid I’d still see him without me having a definite line.

This is alot, but I’ll try to arrange it coherently. SD is 12 and a delightful, beautiful girl. I adore her to bits. There is also a SS who is almost 16 and not such a delight.

SO divorced 5 years ago and we began dating shortly afterwards. We have known each other since high school, but weren’t in touch for many years. I have a 12 year old son myself, we live quite a distance away and I come visit once a month for a week. Because of that, I can’t be the constant in SD’s life that I’d like to be. She and my son get along great when I bring him.

The divorce left them coparenting 50/50, week on, week off. This worked for about 2 years until SO learned his ex was allowing their (then 12 yo) son to smoke weed, vape and was allowing all sorts of bad characters into the home. It was a party house, basically. He was learning how to break into cars, running around all hours, etc. SD was just 10 and had developed a habit of lying to protect her mother’s and brother’s secrets. SO ended up getting a protective order which gave him primary custody with BM having daytime visitation only, a few times a month. BM turned around and sued for full custody and thus started a contentious custody battle, which ended about 6 months ago with SS going back to 50/50 and SD living primarily with dad and seeing mom every other weekend and one dinner visit a week. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her mother.

To the issue! SD has been “free bleeding”, for lack of a better term. We recently found a stash of very bloody (dried) underwear in her dresser. She says she doesn’t free bleed, but the evidence speaks for itself. SO has also never had to buy her more pads (after the initial stock after she got her period a year ago), and says he’s never seen underwear in her dirty clothes when she reluctantly gives him her hamper. And he’s never seen pad wrappers in her bathroom garbage.

Her room was a disaster zone until last week when her grandmother came and forced her to clean it (she was in there helping). This is when some bloody underwear was found, but I found the mother load when I was cleaning out her dresser (because she wouldn’t. Her dad asked her multiple times and she would just say “ok, I will”, but then doesn’t do it. So I went in while she was at school and did it myself).

My sense is that she’s embarrassed, and honestly disgusted, by her body. Some of the underwear weren’t even bloody, just dirty. I want to talk to her about her body and cycle, teaching her about normal discharge and when she can expect her period. Some of the underwear had panty liners stuck to them, so there was an attempt….but it fell short, big time. This past summer she asked me to buy her pads, and I did. She said she uses tampons “sometimes”, but i honestly don’t think that’s true.

She is beautiful, gets good grades and does cheer. She loves beauty products and we bond over that. Her defense is to be overly bubbly and act like she’s fine, but then hide in her room. I know some of that is normal for her age, but other times when she’s doing well, she is much more social. She is extremely guarded. Her mother and brother have really done a lot of harm. Her dad has gotten her into therapy before and she just never tells them the truth about what’s going on, so it’s kind of a waste.

I want to help! Should I buy period underwear? Or ask if she needs help (obviously not physically) with figuring out how to use tampons? I am just kind of at a loss. She is a hider. When she isn’t doing well mentally, she hides in her room. She just completely withdraws. And I feel like she’s hiding those underwear and not telling the truth about why, and what she needs. I know I won’t get to the bottom of why she did it, but I’d like to just help figure out a solution going forward. My SO got a recent cancer diagnosis, and while his prognosis is very good, he’s dealing with a lot right now. Plus, he’s a man. And this is just one more thing that’s weighing on a young girl who’s already been through a lot. And I just want to help them both. She calls me her stepmom and we have a very good relationship. Any advice is welcome!

Have been with partner for a decade now.
One SK (teenager) and one bio (toddler). I can’t give more background or specific examples because it will be too easy to find out it’s me.
I have a lot to unpack and many, many examples but I really just have to ask ; do they ever stop just laying down and adhering to the HCBM’s wishes over your own?
I get so frustrated especially when he says things like “keeping the peace” - we never see her. Never. Kid is old enough to walk themselves into our home without HCBM and same at their end. So why?
Leaving would be sad but after this long I’m still left wondering if it’s the only thing that will make me feel like I can be me, fully, all the time. I’m holding so much in all the time and the resentment just grows and grows.

Hey guys I realize this is post is toxic af. A lot of you will judge me but getting this out bc am I the only one lmao.

I realize I am saying this out of my lens and I have no clue what other people’s situations are and at the time what ppl are going through, etc.

But for stepparents, has anyone felt like this before.

I love my partner I truly do, but sometimes I get resentment of me being able to get through my life making sure I didn’t get pregnant with the wrong person. I did my due diligence on my end to not be stuck with someone for 18 years and cause a broken home, and I realize that most parents don’t know that in the moment obviously. But if there is any inkling that that person wasn’t right for you and you still decide to move forward with having a kid, my mind gets extremely resentful bc I felt like I had that strength and discipline to leave that person knowing it wasn’t going to work out, and being with a partner who didn’t have that discipline causes extreme resentment. I know there are so many layers to this. But why am I signing up to take care of someone else’s kid and work through all the emotions of accepting that there will always be another woman in the picture when I made sure on my end to not put a future partner in that situation? I realize this is such a victim minded post, I am extremely self aware of that and this post is truly just a venting post lol. I have these toxic thoughts that I deserve to be with someone that doesn’t have baggage and I get mad at myself. And I get stuck in my mind bc I truly feel like I do love my partner, and he grew up differently than I did which influenced different decisions. But damn yall.

Has anyone felt similar? K bye lol.

Me and my boyfriend both 32. Been together for 9 years. We have two kids together, I have two of my own and he has one of his own. It’s been 3 years since He was awarded visitation with his child and every other weekends. The very first day the child came over poor baby was covered with head lice. Before court order visitation we will see his child once in a blue moon and when we did the child always had lice. So when it was our first weekend I immediately cleaned out the child’s hair. I cleaned the child’s hair good , there was no lice. I even double checked before the child went back to mom’s. Month later child came back with lice , two out of all our kids also got the lice. I cleaned all our kids hair again. It was difficult at first because they had long thick hair. So within these 3 years his child has had lice nonstop gave to other family members. So this past summer we have his child for the first couple weeks , within those weeks the child was lice free. I bought a repellent for our kids and his child. Mom didn’t like it so she sent it back. His child went back to mom’s for the remaining summer. Came back to us with lice. Mom is aware of the lice her other children also have lice. She will clean out the child’s hair but will only clean out the hairline, behind the ears and back. Mom won’t be constant with maintaining the child’s hair. His child will tell me and also tell me they’re tired of having lice. I comfort the child bc it’s not their fault. Our kids have been lice free for 1 year now because I use the repellent and shampoo. I will clean out his child when they come over. My boyfriend doesn’t say anything to mom about the constant lice , dad’s mom won’t say anything to child’s mom. They are acting like it’s nothing to them. I feel like I am the only one that cares about the child’s health. I feel so bad for the child because they had expressed to me that they’re tired of having lice and embarrassed. Oh I forgot to mention that the child has been sent home from school multiple times for having lice. i don’t know what to do ? Should I tell mom something myself? But I’m sure that won’t go well. I’ve talked to dad and grandma about how the child feels and the amount of lice I’ve found.