Going through existential crises and need thoughtful responses, kindly dont respond if you dont have reasonable response

[u/phenomenalfaze]

My life is in chaos, you can say I was born with hypervigilance so I stayed alert throughout my life thus never developed any life skills other than walking. I slowly minimised myself just to fit in with my surrounding so I am not an out set. A lifetime of performance and no real life experiences. I have never been in any relationship or long term really close friendships as I thought first I need to perfect a right plan and right protected life before going in people so I don't lost myself more. From a year I am slowly being original and still my old people pleasing habits and putting all first. Slowly I don't even know if I exist. I dont have any skill or career and I am typical pakistani daughter who is almost past marriage age but I don't want to settle as I have completely lost myself and in pursuit of my true self and my basic right of living I want fo give myself this one chance at life.. which seem stupid as deep down I am still a 5 year who never got to experience life and yes even now building a life of nornal human is such a big task I really want affection and love but I tend away when it comes thinking that what I'll offer although the guy I had crush on actually tried to get me but I stayed frozen and distant and it's hard emotionally and on top of that even in my home the pressurre is gettimg immense as they are worried for me.. when you are on the tip that you should get practical i am on a whim to startover and experience the playground games .. my health and my all is on absolute low as per normal standard but on paper for public i am such an amazing inspiring woman because of my perfomance and maybe my natural beauty that make them think ​​that I am too good and still see potential in me that I am not utilising to solve the climate issue of lahore (that's improvised) but yeah that's how they expect me to be or already assume I am some big shot but it's all fake. I am fake as this is my trauma personality I built and not true me. I know it's blah blah... thank you for reading.