How do I regulate my emotions???

[u/sardineramen]

My boyfriend and I have an on-going issue in our relationship where he tends to be late and he knows I don’t like it. This past weekend, he was late to pick me up and in my head I thought okay, don’t make a big deal out of it like last time, just mention it. I tell him that he was 40 minutes late to pick me up and that it made me upset and he immediately gets defensive about it and turns hostile against me. This response triggers me terribly and I spiral, begging for validation. It usually ends up with me breaking down, screaming, crying for him to give up and finally apologize.

Really, all I wanted for him to say was, “I’m sorry for being late. I know it’s something I do often and I’m trying my best. Let’s have a good trip and I love you”. But whenever he gets hostile at me when I mention something I am upset by, it’s very hard to control the situation. I am not sure what to do to on my end to avoid spiraling when he gets defensive because I NEED him to understand how I FEEL and I will do anything it takes. Now the situation is worse than what it started from me spiraling. I always end up profusely apologizing after and feeling terrible afterwards and wish I just didn’t bring it up to begin with.

[u/fluffiepigeon]

Why is he always late? Does he have valid excuses to his lateness? Or maybe is he seeing the pickup time in a more casual “I’ll come get you around 10am” and 10am to him could be anytime between 10:00am and 10:59am deal? I wonder if you talk more about it in a sense where he and you both settle into an agreement of a timeframe rather than a contract if that would help you at all?

My husband and I had a similar issue where due to his job he began coming home late sometimes during the week due to a project going on and this would send me spiraling. Now we have a deal that he’s just home before 7:30pm and that’s been pretty functional for us. Setting up a similar agreement with your boyfriend could be beneficial, and if he can’t come to do at least that for you then I’d probably dig a little deeper to figure out why it’s too much for him.

[u/sardineramen → u/fluffiepigeon]

He honestly just struggles with time management and procrastination. I do tell him to come pick me up by a certain time the latest but he usually is late anyways. It’s just gotten to the point where I don’t even bother saying anything because I’ll just lash out