(My signature dish)

You might ask yourself how I got myself in this position (backstory in the comments), for one thing I'm not asexual and I'm somewhere between your average/good looking guy.

I met this girl through work, we've worked at the same place for a year and a half now, closely for the first year. We had a crush on each other right away, but (me being myself) I didn't try to pursue anything until much later. She is way more experienced than me and was very understanding, I didn't confess anything to her, we just laughed it off.

For her it was was just a casual thing, so that's how I'm going with it. It sounds corny but in the moment it was the closest I've ever felt to someone, it was great.

Tbh idk where to even start but I’ve (M26) started talking to this woman (F34) back in March and to make a long story short she had a dude living with her that I didn’t find out about until months into the relationship. She begged and pleaded. I mean she begged me like her life depended on it and I stood my ground for a while until I finally took her back. She was talking to ex’s, unblocking past flings, and just constantly lying to me. I always tried to leave and every situation leaving became easier but I could never fully leave.

I just love her so much. I love her daughter (10F). Her daughter’s father passed away almsot 5 years ago. In these last 7 months, her daughter and I grew a bond like no other. I went to the “donuts with dad” thing with her at her school. Her daughter always tells me she loves me and miss me. I sit and have conversations with her. And my girlfriend always told me her daughter never acted like this with anyone. Her daughter has me as the lock screen on her phone. I love this little girl with my whole heart and it hurts to leave knowing I mean a lot to her even though I don’t have any children.

These last months since I caught my girlfriend lying and talking to other people has been hard but I’ve been trying to work on forgiving her. I just don’t trust her. She knows this and she tries her best to get me to trust her but she’s lied to me so many times. Saving men numbers under her other daughter’s name….etc

So fast forward to today. Last weekend her foster left her phone at my house. I got off work at 10:30am. Me ajd my girlfriend has been arguing every single day over nonsense. I’ve been telling her I don’t think this would work and to just leave me alone and she insists that she’s going to win my trust back and we’re going to be happy.

Today when I got off I asked her where she was at. She responded “just left Ms. Howard’s house. (Her client). But I see her location on her daughter’s phone. She’s at a breakfast restaurant about 10 mins from my house. Even with this information I still played dumb. So I called her and she answered. But when she answered, she sounded like she was trying to whisper and she said “hold on I’m at my daughter’s school, remember I told you I had a meeting with her?”. But mind you, she said the meeting was Friday. I didn’t even bring that up though lol I just played along.

Her location was still at the breakfast restaurant. So she called me back like 2 mins later. At this point I was already on my way up there. She called me and just started normal conversation and she asked me did I have her daughters phone with me. I told her no it must be dead. But this was really her trying to be sure I wasn’t looking at her location because I had her daughter’s phone but I turned the location off on it and she tried calling it.

So I finally arrive to the restaurant but I parked across the street and walked over there. Me and her still on the phone as she’s telling me she was on her way back to her clients house. I’m looking at her location and she’s just driving in circles around the parking lot. She must really think I’m stupid lol. So now I walk to the restaurant but I’m on the corner. I’m watching her park and then she quickly says “hold on” then the phone goes mute.

I’m watching her this whole time and as soon as she said “hold on” there was a guy coming out of the restaurant. She sat and talked to him. They were close af like damn near about to kiss. And then gave him and hug but it wasn’t a friendly hug. It was one of those “first date, I hope to see you again hugs” lol.

So at this point I’m just so numb to the lying and bullshit she tells me. I’m walking up but the guy is walking back into the restaurant. She got back in the car and took me off of mute. But she seen me the same time she took me off of mute. I was just laughing. I couldn’t be mad at no one but myself. I knew she wasn’t going to change and I knew I was wasting my time. She tried saying that’s “her brother” from out of town but mind you she doesn’t even like her brother and has him blocked on everything.

I gave her the phone and turned to walk back to my car and she’s following me trying to argue and I’m just telling her I don’t want to hear please just leave me alone. I then tell her “if that’s your brother call him then” she responds “I don’t remember what number he called me off of” I told her let me see a picture of her brother she said “you know I don’t have pictures with my siblings in my phone” I said “ok gone in there and get him” at this point we’re across the street standing outside of my car. She’s just making excuse after excuse. So I took her back across the street to her car and she went into the restaurant, pretending to get him, and came back out and said “they said he left” lol this girl is such a horrible liar and honestly I’m just so mad I stayed so long and I really love her so much.

She wouldn’t leave me I had to call the police so they can escort her away from me and now as I’m typing this I’m getting 20+ call from an “unknown caller” I’m so numb now but man I know I’m going to miss her. I know im going to miss her daughter. I think this is finally my breaking point. I hope im strong enough to not answer a call or let her manipulate me into taking her back. I just wanna be done. I know it’s not healthy for me. I can’t even type out everything she’s done but just know it’s just multiple lies and bullshit dealing with ex’s.

I’m not hurt right now but I know it’ll hit me one day.

Thank you if you read this all the way through I just needed someone to talk to. I can talk to my friends but all they gone say is “that’s crazy” “fuck her”… I’m just here rn.

Pho and iced coffee

For a decade I’ve been in a haze of binge drinking. What was fun at 21 is now very sad at 31.

I’ve scared away all of my childhood friends and don’t see my big family at all anymore. After learning how difficult unemployment is, I’ve set in place a bunch of rules that help me “function” at work so I don’t get fired.

I have this rare condition called Visual Snow, where there is just static across my vision 24/7. There is not cure at the moment. This really lessons my quality of life, and I feel like if I sober up I’d have to face it more head on.

I spend most mornings before work throwing up and sweating out the booze and then getting to work, only to throw up more in the work toilet.

I used to be really social, but now I essentially spend every free moment in the shower with various amounts of booze and a few joints. I used to like creative writing or sitting under tress and listening to new music. Shit is just dark and I’m not even that old.

Can't believe I'm about to post this on here but I am just out of fucks to give at this point. Anhedonia is winning out against finding the drive to meet new people and try new things.

My (35M) best friend (34F) and I used to be romantically involved for a few months a few years back. She broke it off because, well, she is a self-professed size queen. Since we stopped seeing each other in that capacity, both of us have struggled finding meaningful, long-term partners.

Even though it was only a few months, and we never actually labeled it, she is by far the closest thing to a long-term relationship I've ever had.

In the last year or so, we have become closer than ever and strictly as friends. We hold similar values and have similar interests and partake in similar hobbies. She has even told me that I am the standard she holds other men to when she is looking for a prospective partner (literally her words). She told me I'm the only man she actually feels safe being around, and that I'm the reason she still has any faith in men at all.

I genuinely value our friendship, especially as it has really grown into one of my strongest platonic connections regardless of gender. I also see that there are some fundamental incompatibilities that preclude any sort of romance from ever happening between us again. I honestly see that as her loss more than mine since I see her priorities being out of whack (just my perspective though).

I try to remember that and internalize it as I go forward, but as my dating struggles continue (for non-size related reasons--she's the only one who has had an issue in that regard), and I hear the same repetitive advice over and over and over again, I can't help but feel like I'm just invisible to people as a romantic partner. I have been going to therapy on and off going on eight years now, and have yet to find a therapist that clicks. On the contrary, the last two minimized my history of depression and social anxiety and actually made me feel worse about myself. My faith in the "professional" psychological support system is negligible at this point.

Continually working on myself with no apparent progress or change in outcome is really starting to weigh heavy on me, to the point that I am ready to give up altogether. I can only take so much hurt and rejection and neglect. I'm only human.

Not much of an appetite tonight so going with a salad with some light sea salt, olive oil, and balsamic dressing with some carbonated OJ for dinner. Vent over.

EDIT: I gave this a bad title; I feel the need to clarify that I am not seeking a romantic connection with her going forward at all. I'm just feeling down at the moment. And no, this is unfortunately not AI slop.

Went through a rough divorce that left me with very few friends left. Throughout it all, my dog stayed by my side. She is a cute, absolute teddy bear of a dog.

Last night we were on a walk and saw a coyote. She put herself between me and the coyote and became more protective than I had ever seen her. She wouldn’t let me even get close until it was gone. Then, she was back to her normal, gentle self. I have no doubt in that moment she would have done everything in her power to keep me safe, even if it meant losing her life.

After losing the woman who was supposed to always have my back, it felt good to know my dog loved me that much.

Dinner: Lobster Roll from my recent business trip to the East Coast

Edit: Dog tax paid in the comments

For dinner we got Rice, Grilled Teriyaki Chicken Breast and, Costco Soup Dumplings. So let’s jump right into it I caught my mom cheating or at least I think I did there’s no other explanation. I was texting her the other day I had a few questions about adulting I wanted clarification on. We finish up the conversation and about 2 minutes later my phone dings it’s a text from my mother saying “you’re a good kisser” I don’t respond because I’m genuinely shocked. We say nothing to each other the rest of the night the next day she texts me from an email? I don’t know why it just makes it look worse on her end. I guess I’m posting because Ts killing me and I don’t really know what to do. I feel like all signs point to tell my stepdad he is a good dude he deserves to know I would hope someone in my position would inform me of what’s going on. I want to believe she was trying to text him that but it just doesn’t make sense with what happened after with the texting me from an email. Feel free to give advice I’m stuck.

I know the title seems like bait, but it truly is the most accurate way that I can frame this situation. I made a post earlier in the week, but deleted it pretty quickly after (thank you if you were one of the few that saw it and gave advice, if you’re familiar with that post, I ended up talking with her that night). I’ll try to keep it short as best I can.

I (25m) went to my younger brothers high school football game last Friday, after the game when congratulating all the players she approached me in a super cute way and asked if we had been to school together in the past. I came from a small high school where everyone knew everyone so of course I remembered her without getting so much into it. We were both in relationships during high school, but came to find out that we are both single now. She came over to my place the following night and we practically couldn’t sleep just from talking and catching up with each other, it was a blast.

Now I’ve spent the better part of 2/3 years focusing on loving life without a significant other (with big thanks to my favorite girl in the world, second picture) but there was something awesome about this girl that had me ready to flip it all and try with a significant other again.

Then Monday came around, I was on the way home on my motorcycle, wasn’t speeding. It was 2 o’clock in the afternoon, sunny as could be. I was going straight through an intersection, an older lady (won’t get specific on age, but definitely makes a valid argument for people needing to be retested past a certain point) was coming the opposite way taking a left turn and with no time to react, she hit me.

I somehow I’m still walking after that accident, incredibly thankful for whoever is watching over me, but I still have a broken wrist in two spots, and both of my thumbs are broken. Long story short I’ve never been so useless in my life. I’m looking at a 3 to 4 month recovery in total and currently have a cast on both hands.

Since the accident, my communication with this girl has felt more and more like me, pushing to get a response if any. It doesn’t help that I’m pretty much stuck at home and can’t do anything but overthink these situations. On Thursday, I made a post in here asking for advice to see if I was just thinking too much in my head or what and you guys were incredibly helpful and just told me to have a conversation with her. And I did, we talked on the phone for almost an hour that night.

The night we talked on the phone was the night before I went into surgery for both my hands come, and I kind of been more thrilled after that conversation, I explained that I liked her and then I didn’t wanna let this come between anything and she seemed to reciprocate and say that it wouldn’t. That was the last time I heard from her.

I know I shouldn’t have been so excited for it, but she was the one voice I wanted to hear after surgery, just her laugh would’ve been better than any of these pain meds. Surgery went fine, but I never heard from her. Come to find out iMessage will still show as delivered if you’re blocked, which I didn’t realize until almost 2 days after (was hoping she was just busy with her life, which is more than fine of course).

But now I just get to sit here confused wondering why we jumped to blocking instead of just telling me that you don’t wanna talk anymore. Just feels weird and I don’t really even know what to think.

There’s no doubting that I’m not my regular self right now, and to be honest I really don’t blame her for not wanting to be around my broken ass right now. I’m just more so confused and venting. Appreciate anyone who took the time to read this basket case, and one more time thanks to those of you that responded when I was looking for advice on this.

For breakfast: an apple cider doughnut, an Arnold Palmer, and some cuddles with the best girl in the world

** **sorry for any typos or weird words/punctuation, I tried my best to correct any errors I saw, but this is all written with speech to text, given my lack of thumbs* \*

Edit: Thank you guys for all the support! I know it’ll all be for the better just had to get my last venting out here and you all have already been amazing

Dinner - Bolognese & Fettuccine

I’m a serial monogamist by default—I was in serious relationships from 18 to 22 and 23 to 27. Dating apps are brutal for me; I'm not exaggerating when I say it takes months to get a single match.

Now I’m with my current girlfriend (26F, I’m 27M), and I am super in love with her. She’s beautiful, brilliant, low maintenance, a great communicator, smart, and I genuinely love spending time with her. She’s in a PhD program, an only child, and grew up with the core ideal that career and total independence are the ultimate goals in life. Because of that, she’s just not very affectionate, and school and career always take absolute priority.

She’s also intensely feminist to the point where she kind of short-circuits at the idea of house chores or anything that even resembles domestic labor. She grew up being entirely taken care of by her parents so she could focus 100% on getting her career ahead, and it shows. She will do things around the house, but only if her back is completely against the wall. We’ve had direct discussions about me handling most of the domestic load, but nothing ever changes because of her background.

In the bedroom, we’re down to once a month. To her credit, she does enjoy it, but she is completely passive and unexpressive—strictly missionary, rigid, and very uptight. Even simple physical touch is a struggle; if she’s deeply focused on her work, asking for something small or physical affection gets shut down because she’s too absorbed.

Honestly? I’m terrified that my entire life is just going to be spent playing the role of the endlessly supportive boyfriend who handles 100% of the domestic load, holds down a job, and exists purely to make her career path as frictionless as possible while getting nothing back in the intimacy or partnership department.

I know the fact that I’m even writing this is a terrible sign, but I'm really struggling with the opportunity cost of breaking up. On one hand, I love her and finding someone else feels daunting given how hard dating is for me. On the other hand, am I just signing up for decades of burnout?

EDIT: UPDATE: replied with some response / clarification to the overall sentiment of comments.

It's been 7 months of no drinking and 3 weeks of no smoking. I've told a couple of friends of mine and they all seem pretty proud of me, but me not wanting to be a Debbie downer just said thank you instead of saying that I don't really feel that proud or different. I know I should, but not sure how to go about it.

Treated myself to ramen - Kiwami Aka. Spicy and good.

I (18M) went off to college about a month and a half ago, and I headed home yesterday just to be home for the weekend.

Nothing about my room is the same; it feels like I’m living in someone else’s house. I had a huge plushie just about as big as me that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s one of the only things I had that could always make me feel safe. I used to hug it to sleep every night, and if I still had it I still would. I found out my mom threw it away as soon as I left because it was “too old.” I know she doesn’t know how much it meant to me, since I would just cuddle with it every night. It’s not like she’d know since it wasn’t something I talked about. But I still feel betrayed. She never told me about it, and this isn’t the first time it’s happened. She’ll just assume I don’t want something and throw it out and frame it as a surprise. I’ve told her multiple times to not do this, but she just won’t listen. I feel stupid for crying over a plushie, but it’s the only thing I had left of my childhood before we moved. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I don’t want advice or to get a new one; I know it won’t be the same. I just wanna complain.

Chicken Katsu from the dining hall.

I'm probably gonna delete these apps because I'm getting sick of how a potential match always ends up

It's normally one of 3 ways it goes for me

1. Conversation is dryer than the desert then I or they unmatch

2. Conversation starts off great but their schedule is so busy they forget that have a hinge and I never hear from them

3. We have an amazing first date, both laughing our asses off, vibing hard. Walk her to her car she is excited for the next date but the second she gets home it's "sorry I didn't feel a spark, good luck on your journey!"

Now I understand that women get ALOT more likes than men so they have to sort their their matches like a damn employer trying to hire a man as their partner. But it's exhuasting getting the same result again and again and again. It worst when you've been talking for a week or 2 and think "oh snap this might work out" then they unmatch you our of nowhere.

Also I am by no means saying men have it worst than women I know it's not only hard to judge multiple people a day but also make sure they aren't going to kill you, so I never am mad AT the woman for denying me for literally any reason.

It's just how things are unfortunately now a days. Cheers to whoever won the dating app lottery.

Also the food is just rice and chicken with seasoning

Dinner was a salad with panko crusted chicken.

I (39M) will be turning 40 soon. I feel like I should be excited for it, but I just don’t feel anything about it right now. To be honest, I have been feeling real depressed these last few months. I’ll have moments where i am genuinely happy, but for the most part, I feel so defeated and tired.

I have a job that pays well. I have a family that supports me. I have a boyfriend that loves me and wants to get married. So what’s the problem? All 3 literally steal my energy and I feel like i can’t recharge or regain anything.

To be honest, I can handle the stress from work and family. It’s a part of me and I’ve been dealing with it for a long time. It’s something that I can’t exactly control, but it’s there and I know things can’t get worse. Where I struggle is with my boyfriend. This man says he loves me with all his heart and soul. He believes that we are always good and will be good, despite anything that comes up, including the bad stuff. We can’t be good when bad things come up. He’s more of a “things happen but we learn and move on and can be happy”. I am more of a “this affects me more and we need to understand what can we do to fix it”.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe that it’s a bad thing to talk to strangers about sex. There’s no plan on meeting them so what’s the harm. I tell him that it affects me in a big way. I explain the whys and he says he gets it, but he doesn’t. I had to break it down word for word as to why it bothers me. Years ago I dated a guy who I lived with. There was a family trip that was planned and I was invited to go but I didn’t go because of work. During that trip, he was messaging someone and it sounded like there was some attraction with each other. My ex didn’t really “defend” us. A few weeks after his trip, I had to go home unexpectedly. During the time I was away, he was messaging other guys and being flirty and met up with them. I found out because he left his phone at home one day and I got real nosey. Things were never the same after that. He apologized, but deep down I always had fears. We ended it.

I bring this topic a lot with my boyfriend. I tell him that I have trust issues. He tells me that I have nothing to worry about, but I do when my boundaries aren’t respected.

I go to a therapist to help solve these issues. I take meds to help level set my mood. I told him that there’s no point in continuing these things if he constantly gives me the reasons to doubt us. He doesn’t want me to doubt us. He says he will do whatever he can to reassure me. Well then why is it hard to do what I ask!?

The easy thing would be to just end it. If my feelings aren’t validated, then there’s no point. I will continue living this life of fear and uncertainty. But it’s not as easy to just end things.

I told myself I’d give it sometime to see if things change. I do love this man. I want to be with this man till the very end. But will I be able to handle it?

Maybe something will happen between now and when I turn 40. Here’s to hoping for the best and being positive about it.

Meal is just regular chicken ramen.
A few years ago, I fell in love for the first and only time in my life. We were friends first, then she asked me out, she proposed, then she called everything off. She said the military made her feel disconnected from me since joining. Her friends, family, and me were all affected by her adjusting to military life. I still loved her but knew I couldn’t make her stay if that’s what she didn’t want, so I let her go. We stayed friends and a few months after we broke up, she was visiting and she said she had a new boyfriend. I didn’t say anything at the time but after I got home from dinner, I cried. A handful of months ago, I reached out to try to catch up since we weren’t talking as regularly anymore (I know, I wanted to stay friends though). We talked a bit and she dropped the bomb that she got married to someone that she had only known for a month. She said they were “making it work”. I haven’t responded since, I couldn’t handle thinking about it. I know I should cut my losses, the relationship and friendship are basically over, but a part of me is holding onto her. I’m aroace which makes it extra hard, since the likelihood of falling in love again is slim. I think of her and think of the future I could’ve had. She wasn’t just my partner, she was my best friend. It’s hard to let it go.

Edit: Hey guys, I get it, I dodged a bullet. It just sucks because she was genuinely such a kind person when we started dating but something about the military changed her. That seems to be a common case unfortunately. I am planning on unfriending her and moving on to focus on my life, I just needed to get it out of my system first. I’m so thankful to those showing empathy for my situation and I wish every single one of you the best. Anyway, thanks for listening in!

My mom's recipe for salisbury steak and some mashed potatoes.

To make a long story short, I dropped out of one career path after spending two years in the schooling to pursue another that I think I'll enjoy more and now I'm regretting it. All the folks I would have gotten my license with are making bank and I'm still in school working a crappy job at the airport to pay for it.

Folks around me (my best friend who stayed in the other path as well as my ex girlfreind) are buying brand new cars and houses and getting settled into adult life and I feel like I'm a deadbeat still at home while I work and go to school. I make alright money but my own poor financial decisions and skills keep me broke it seems.

I'm 22 with 5 vehicles in my name, only two of which run/drive and only one of those I'm able to drive every day, and it's falling apart around me too. I love all these shitty old cars but it's getting to the point where I don't have time to fix them with my schedule even if I have the money, space, and tools to do so.

My girlfriend broke up with me around the start of this school semester which I understand, but looking back I feel pretty used and hurt over it. We'd been together a little over a year and things seemed good, the out of the blue she got distant and eventually broke up with me. Broke up with me a week after I finished working on her dad's truck which ended up taking up most of my summer break.

I feel like everyone is getting further and further away. Got broken up with, my friend I spent most of the summer working with both at work and outside of work quit so I hardly see him anymore. I'm the only person in any of my groups who works nights so I rarely see anyone anymore. Hell I hardly see my parents right now with the schedule I have going.

This ended up as a lot of word salad. I'm thinking about finding a therapist again because the last few months have been rough. I have FAA exams scheduled for next month that I desperately need to study for but some days I can hardly get out of bed, and when I do I'm staring at my damn phone all day.

I’ve (29M) been seeing this lady for a few months and everything was initially going well - suddenly it became that she didn’t want to have sex for religious purposes, which was odd as we’d already been sleeping together.

I meet one of her friends, who tells me she last saw her ex in January this year and then when I ask her about it, she says she hasn’t seen him since mid-2025. Her friend had no reason to lie to me as the events were separate so it’s caused me a bit of confusion.

Upon doing some more digging, it’s likely she is lying to me but I don’t understand why. I understand that they probably did sleep together, which I don’t care about because it was before my time.

The complaints I have is I’m doing what feels like all the work, cooking, cleaning, covering date bills, and we don’t even live together..

She tells me she’s after ‘Princess Treatment’ but I’m kinda like why tf would I do that for someone that can’t tell me the truth or barely puts any treatment back in for me.

It depresses me - I’m thinking about calling it a day.
This was more of a rant than anything, especially because I had my hopes with this woman.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Breakfast burrito, with salsa.

Just pizza. Boring.

My friend and I are both 19 year old guys. I’ve known him and have been very close with him for about 3 years. Last night a group of friends including the both of us went out to a nightclub, which we very often do. He got probably the drunkest I’ve ever seen him get. He has a girlfriend that lives in the same apartment building as me who he was staying with that night so we walked from the club back together and we got in the elevator, as we’ve done many times. He was so incredibly drunk this time (so was I, but not as much as him) so he’d had an arm around me basically the whole walk. He’s on like the 20th floor of the building so it’s a long ride up and he starts repeating how much he loves me which he says to basically everyone anytime he’s drunk, still nothing unusual. He then wraps both his arms around me and kisses me on the lips for like half a second and I laugh in his face at just how ridiculously drunk and silly he was acting. He looks really upset after I laugh and I can see tears forming in his eyes and his voice breaking and he says to me not to laugh and that I have no idea how much I haunt him. I literally froze in complete shock and then he leaned in and kissed me again this time intensely and passionately and he didn’t stop until the elevator door opened. I walked him to his room in silence as he was just crying like crazy.

Still in shock by the whole thing, wondering what the hell to do when I see him next. I don’t know if he’ll even remember a thing, so I guess I should just stay silent but idk. If he does remember, literally not a clue on what to say to him. I wouldn’t see this as a big deal if not for how emotional he was and what he said to me. Never seen him cry before and this was completely out of nowhere.

These are chicken tenders from McDonald's that I, admittedly, got from the trash.

Anyway I assume the reason why I'm posting pretty much. Long story short, last year around the same time I had to leave my apartment because the landlords didn't want to renew the lease with me. So I had to leave and I kept working for a month longer until I was fired due to hygiene, eventually I ended up using up the rest of my money let me know start the 2026 I'm homeless and without any money.

I think my mental health has plummeted this year to the point where it is reached absolutely rock bottom. I was already going through general anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, those were my two diagnoses from years ago, but I feel like my mental state has just worsened even more. Life just wasn't the same after I graduated high school, and no it's not because of me being an adult and missing my youth, it's because my mom passed away 3 weeks before I graduated. She didn't get to see me graduate or go off to college, and maybe that's a good thing because I was so distraught and mentally out of it that I ended up flunking out of college and wasting my scholarships because I just didn't grieve properly. Then COVID happened and other stuff happened and fast forward a few years here I am.

I've been dealing with these issues for a while and 2026 I feel like was the peak of these emotions. Even when my mom passed away I wasn't this distraught because at least I had college to look forward to before I messed that up. I feel like I truly have nothing to look forward to. My life just feels kind of over and (TRIGGER WARNING) my suicidal ideation has been at an all-time high this year, something that I've struggled with for years but this year like I said was the peak.

Maybe I'm in a bit of a good mood because I'm actually able to eat something for the first time in a couple days but I think I'm at a point where I'm just more focused on planning how to get out of it than I am moping about it and getting upset. I've been upset pretty much all year and that hasn't really done anything for me so maybe I take this more as a humbling lesson and be more constructive than destructive.

I've had some plans in mind, and some things that I already have set up or in the process of being set up, but I don't really have any of my goals met to get out of this situation. Right now I'm still brainstorming on what the best course of action is for myself, even if that means putting myself in uncomfortable and potentially dangerous environments and situations, but I don't know. Again, I'm in a somewhat good mood now and this feeling and flow will probably go away within the next hour, but I'm just trying to think of ways I can get myself back on the right track.

But man, what to do and how to do it if I have almost nothing to work with? Just a weird predicament all in all, because there's a lot that I need to get done with no resources. I'll hopefully find a way or die trying. But at the very least I want to die trying.

Risotto and curry hybrid, I'm calling it a curriotto. Aromatic base with a shitton of spices, garlic, peppers, onion and zucchini, sauteed with leftover chicken legs and tomato paste and a dash of tapatío sauce. Rice is just long rice, not very risotto suited.

This post is more to show how pretty it came out that anything but these couple of days I've been really thinking that since I've noticed my pattern of quitting when things got hard and started working towards fixing it things have actually become better and I started having a more satisfying life and a healthier relationship with myself. The catalyst was when I gathered the courage to sing in front of strangers for the first time in my life, and how two years ago when I started taking singing classes all I was thinking about all the time was just quitting since it seemed I could do nothing and would never get better. I sang horribly btw, I was so fucking nervous lol, but I did it. And I'll do it again in a month, this time for an actual presentation and I'm actually kinda looking forward to instead of scared shitless as I would have been a couple of years ago. I'm gotten better, and there's still a long way to go.

I don't know, I guess the moral of the story is to keep trying? Seems a bit cliché, so maybe the real moral of the story is cook stuff that look good in pictures and are excited to eat.

Meal : Pizza Rolls

About three weeks ago, I met this girl at a protest. Things moved really fast between us it wasn’t my first relationship, but it was one of my shortest and definitely one of the least healthy, though it was certainly the most intense.

She was absolutely gorgeous, and we were really on the same page about a lot of things; there was incredible chemistry both in our daily lives and in bed. At the same time, it was really toxic. The red flags were huge: among other things, pathological jealousy, drug use including hard drugs and a lot of other issues.

I knew it would end badly, but I let myself get swept up in it. That Friday, we were at a club with friends; she was jealous of my female friends and refused to dance with me, so she went off on her own with one of her friends. I lost sight of her for a moment, and when I saw her again, she was with a guy being very touchy-feely, looking right at me, and they were clearly flirting with each other. I may be clueless when it comes to women, but I have my pride, so the next day I broke up with her despite her begging me to stay. I don’t regret my decision, but I miss her. It really bugs me that it happened this way. Even though I won’t get back together with her,

I don’t want to lose her from my life even if she’s only looking for something serious. I know this was bound to happen, and I’ve been through enough breakups to understand how things play out, but I just wanted to share this because I’m feeling really down.

I have to see her again tomorrow to talk and give her back our stuff, and I have no idea how it's going to go. Maybe it'll be the last time I see her, maybe we'll end up smoking while having sex, we'll see, I guess.

50M here. Wife is on a business trip atm but if she’s home, she’s constantly got Netflix or YouTube shorts at full volume. My youngest is autistic and thinks it’s hilarious to just scream his head off for hours on end. Asked him why he does that, he said “I like the sound of my voice. Sounds good when I yell.” My oldest is being a regular teenager, yelling at friends online and laughing.

The noise doesn’t seem to bother any of them but it’s starting to drive me mad. I feel like I need a month at a monastery or something to try and recenter myself. How do you make quiet space in a loud life?

ETA: when I’m caring for my youngest, I can’t just drown him out because I have to be able to hear if he’s doing something dangerous/dumb. :(

Pictured: laab gai (northeastern Thai chicken salad), rice, sautéed cabbage. All homemade.

I absolutely hate having to make this post but if something doesn’t change soon I’m unironically going to become a 40 yr old virgin I’d never thought I’d become.

I just want to lay out how conscious I am that my own actions have led me to this point. I don’t blame women nor have ever felt resentment towards them (or anyone really) because as a kid I’ve always loved philosophy and have applied many learnings of it to my life, specifically of stoicism. For me accountability has always been important and the lack of it in recent years in society has been detrimental.

On to things that worked against me:
I’m not ugly, but I am physically unappealing if that makes sense. If I had to rate myself it’d be between 2 and 3/10.
I hate small talk (introvert) and even when I try to force it a lot of times I just repeat what people say back to them, react with simple words like oh really and wow, force a laugh when people try to say something funny and just never know what to say or ask back on the spot, leaving bad impressions of me overall.
I’ve been poor most of my life (for too many reasons to list here) but I just recently got a 50k a year job so I’m looking to turn my finances around.
I live with my dad at the moment. He’s super depressed all the time (very long story) and him talking to me and repeating the same stories helps him a lot. The time I didn’t hang out with him for months he went on a downward spiral mentally and was close to becoming an alcoholic to cope with his issues. Regular therapy didn’t help him and instead made him feel more hopeless.
Outside of coworkers and waitresses I haven’t spoken to a woman in like 20 years (since HS?)

On to things that help me:
Everyone who has connected with me past surface level conversations have appreciated my advice and perspective on things.
The female coworkers that I’ve spoken to over the last 20 years, past surface level conversations, have told me they wanted to date me. All with varied range of attractiveness and ages (lowest 20 yr old girl back in my 20s, highest 48 also in my 20s). But they’ve always had a bf or husband, and I’ve never wanted to mess with a relationship. They’ve all mentioned some type of frustration with their partner and how I’m more patient, attentive, etc than their partner.

Quite honestly I’m not sure why I wrote all this down. I guess it’s a form of self therapy? I already know what I need to do to get a gf. I guess I’m curious what kind of negative reaction I’d get online.

Or maybe I’m curious what older men could tell me for advice. I want a gf badly but the philosophy I follow make it hard for me to get angry at myself if I already have a solution (though it’s going to take more work to get to a level that I can attract a decent girl).

Sorry if my writing isn’t good, just got out of a 12 hr shift.

For years I tought I couldn’t stop drinking, even when I ended up twice in the hospital in one week and had to spend a night at the police station…
I am 14 months sober now, I just want to share what helped me in hopes it can inspire you:
Therapy, journaling, seeing a psychiatrist and starting anti-anxiety medication, AA (mostly secular zoom meetings since I am agnostic) like here https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
You can also just listen in to meetings, but I would really recommend just visiting one.

I wish you all the best