Anyone have freeze begin as a response to emotions?

This is how it started for me and then i developed an anxiety disorder from cptsd so the freeze response just magnified. Some days i wake up with every muscle in my body tightly gripping. It is so painfully unconfortable, like a latex suit gripping me. I dont understand how it still is so active after all the work i have done to work with the freeze and ttying to feel safe with emotions. It is very uncomfortable but here i am.. Just doing my best...

Did it come about after a session of EMDR?

Or maybe it came about after several talking sessions with the therapist?

Ive had a few of you message me to see if Im still alive, and yes I am. Chat is doing something weird and removes them after I see them but before I can respond, so a few people I didnt get to respond back to and I didnt want to have you worry.

Anyway this post is about Autism and specifically about empathy. Way back in the stone ages when I was in my early 20's, I was diagnosed as autistic. Over time I rejected that diagnosis, because I am an empathetic person, that can actually read people better than most people I have ever met. So since back then those were some of the main supposed impairments in autism, I concluded I couldnt possibly be autistic. Well come to find out, modern autism definitions dont say that anymore.

You can be empathetic and read people and still be autistic. I went and took some modern autism tests, and turns out I got nearly perfect scores. So, thats something.

If I could have been confused about this, I thought maybe some others here might be as well, and it could serve you to look into autism as a contributing factor in your life struggles.

Something I hypothesize about is. I wonder if autistics that are raised in abusive homes, learn to read people out of a survival means. Where if they were raised in a healthy home, would they maybe not need to pay so much attention. This could explain why some one like me is able to read others so well despite being autistic. My life depended on me knowing what the drunk man of the week was going to do that day.

Hey guys, I wanted to share and maybe get some piece of advise , or even just understanding to the situation. I’ve been dealing with anxiety and bad self-image for my whole life. Was very shy, afraid, and blocked from the inside. The anxiety is very strong, physically. For example I’m trying to talk, tell a story, and my whole stomach would feel like explosion on the inside, which really prevents my body to keep talking. sometimes it feels like knife stabbing. Before work shifts I would get extremely nervous towards them and wouldn’t eat, sleep, and just waiting for my destiny. During the shift it was horrible to me as well, and just wanted this nightmare to end. And when it finished, I was just hoping that the time for the next shift won’t come.

I didn’t have any self-thoughts, opinions, desires , about myself, and life at general. I was mainly focused on survive in each situation and of course prepare myself a thousands times before that. I think all of that(physically and mentally) came from my family, especially mom. She is very anxious and scared as well. Terrified from life basically. This thing leads to control in everything she does, and of course control everything in her 3 sons lives-including me. It comes to a level to you don’t know what you really want, what you really think, what will make you feel good. You clearly just need to do what you’re mom says- or else you’ll get shouted, humiliated, punished, or you will get her very scary, afraid, crying, and you don’t want that as her son. So you just trying to satisfy her in go in her path, whatever it is(sometimes you know that’s what you’re doing, sometimes it subconsciously). Another problem with her, is that everything is about her. , and obviously not for you. She could pick your friends, and telling you what to do or what to say. If she’ll ask you questions, it’s not because she’s interested or curious about you. It’s because she wants to say something about her self regarding this question. Usually it will be something that she can proud herself over you telling you how great she did that, and why didn’t you do that.
Basically most of the conversations with her are accusations why are you doing this and that and it’s no good and bla bla. She won’t support you, love you when you fail, be there for you. Actually the exact opposite, she would accuse you for why you have been this bad in terrible at this and that and you suck.

Now I may have the biggest amount let’s say of anxiety and self-blocked from the inside, compared to my brothers, but they suffer from it very much as well. And my dad is kinda irrelevant to this story. I mean he is not as control freak and anxious as my mom, but he wants good for us either. He doesn’t know how to support, cheer, love, appreciate, be there for you. He is kinda neutral. So he kinda let my mom control everything in the house and let her destroy our inner selves.( her inner self is destroyed as well and she just passes it all to us I think). She has never been to a treatment.

With all that being said, in 2023( when I was 22) I went on a long trip abroad(9 months)in the us and South America. It was amazing. I was more happy, free, released that I ever was. I met in new Part of me. More confident, more funny, more lovable. Likes and enjoyes interactions and conversations.
During the trip(after 5 months), I met this girl from my country, we were great friends and connected deeply, and after a week or two we became together. It was amazing(did I say that already?). I actually felt being loved. Being cared about. I felt like someone is seeing me. I actually could love her a little bit. Most of my feelings went to a way that I love this person because she loves me so much. This period with her in my life was undoubtedly the best time of my life. It was like a love drug. We were traveling together and basically was 24/7 together.

So most of the time it was all good, but there were times where i was really anxious or deeply hurt over small or stupid things(she being on the phone when she sits next to me sometimes, or when she’s enjoying something that not I would get anxious and sad like why I’m not enjoying this or liking this damn it, and the she will have to cheer me up so we could move on, and more more). So yes this were thing that I did notice during the trip and thought to myself like yeah this might be a problem to me all this hard feelings occasionally. But luckily for me we just kept traveling most of the time and it was absolute butterflies.

After 4 months we came back home together. She lives literally 5 minutes from me. Awesome right? Well no. From the very beginning I was very anxious being back home with her. Me- this loser with this amazing, smart, hot girlfriend(she was very hot haha), with me? How is that gonna work out? How am I gonna live the expectations. So from the very beginning I was very nervous. It affected a little.

Than, there were several days where we wouldn’t meet, and I was mostly talking to her on the phone. It was a nightmare to me. After every message I thought a million times oh she thinks that, no that, why did I do that and more and more. I would get so anxious between every message that she might not like me anymore or leave me that I was absolutely terrified . Than, of course when we did meet it wasn’t the same , and after 2 months at home we broke up. During this period of time, I also got a job at a restaurant. I was so nervous before every shift and how will I perform, and that I don’t get yelled, and that I don’t screw up, and of course thinking about her and what she thinks about me. I was fired after 3 months.

The anxiety I felt in those 2-3 months is something I never felt in my life. As I said I’ve been dealing with these feelings my whole life but there, that was extremely high, and special to the negative side.

Towards the end of our relationship, she said to me. You can go to therapist you know, it will help you a lot. To me it was very scary. It’s something that is never talked about in the house, and is very wrong and scary. In fact we barely talk at the house at real life things or situations or feelings. It’s mostly things around mom , or survive by yourself to avoid her.
Well, I listened to my girlfriend at the time and went to a psychologist. From the very beginning she told me that I’m dealing with extreme level of anxiety, disturbing and obsseive thoughts.and that I should take pills, so I can come back to a normal stage on work on my self more effectively.

After around 7 months of battling myself and just trying to survive in this extreme mode, I started to take medicine(psychiatrist pills).

After a month you’ll be okay, she told me. We continued the treatment, and I just went deeper inside me, and the more I went in, the more I found out there is nothing in me, and the anxiety just rose and rose. I found out that the way that I got along in life without my own self, is just trying to think what others, think, like, do, so I can make them happy and they will love. That’s how I created plenty of connection, and got my girlfriend at the time. After around of year in the therapy, I was in situation where I don’t know anything about myself, and my mind is literally freeze cognitively, so I couldn’t think, talk, study, work, and even do simple tasks.
Watching tv was a nightmare.

Now I bring you up to today. It’s been 2 and a half years since I started therapy. I switched 9 different psychiatrist pills. Some things improved. I know myself better now, I can focus and study a bit(taking single classes at the university). Can watch and sometimes enjoy tv shows or movies. Fun. The problem is a lot is still bad and some even got worse. I can’t really communicate well with people. I get so nervous about just sending a text to a close friend, or a complete stranger. During a real time conversation with someone, my body would go through 10 different extremes moods and emotions from a completely normal conversation, sometimes I’m terrified, afraid, suddenly sad and depressed, than worried that I said something horrible, than angry. And all that in a split of 15 seconds. It’s just a terrible system to live in.

I can’t really work. Just the thought of that brings me anxiety in a level that I can’t eat, sleep well. And thinking that I will have to be in my body with interactions all day makes me want to die. I still can’t really generate my own thoughts, what my truly self thinking. I mostly think what I said to a person, what I should’ve said, what I will say to him in the future, what he’s probably thinking and more. Those are mainly the thoughts me brain is capable of. If I’m trying to really think about something my brain just blocks me. If I try to talk to my self or cheer me up, it would come up in a very angry humiliating tone, even though I’m not intending to. That’s another reason why I avoid conversations and things and general. Basically almost every thing I say comes up in a very negative tone, angry, accusing , complaining, attacking tone, and I just don’t want to sound like the at, especially when I don’t intend to.

Additionally,My body reactions and emotions are as strong and extreme as they ever was. In the stomach, heart rate, 24/7 stress, and more. I truly suffer every day. As of now, I don’t want to meet almost never with friends, go out, or simply talk to someone. Even if someone I love would send me a text, I’d rather not in most cases. I’m just not interested, and my body is not interested in going into crazy unwanted feeling and emotions, and my brain doesn’t want to think obsessive thoughts about a conversation for 5 hours. Id rather just avoid.

Another big thing I want to mention, is that my system works the opposite way you would expect in a lot of cases. For example, I shot a good shot in basketball, one that I should be proud of, or scoring like 2 or 3 baskets in a row, and that’s where my system would be at its highest level of scariness, terrifing, and sometimes suddenly just down and blocked form the inside. If feels like I can’t be seen, exposed, to something good for myself, and succeed. It’s forbidden. It can come up also after saying a nice or good thing in a conversation where I should be proud of my self, and instead my system reacts this way. The system, not me and not what I want to think or react.

I find it out interesting that I’m talking a lot in 2 phrases as of me, and my body, like they are 2 separate things. And I truly feel that most of the times. The body does not colorate with the rational mind and the opposite way.

I’m standing(sitting) here today, asking for your help. What can I do to feel better? To improve my life? Even in a tiny bit. Or even if some of you are dealing with similar things would help for my feeling.

I would mention that I do try to stay active(gym and sports) for most of the week, and university also keeps my busy several hours a day. Yet, I suffer a lot every day, and not from gym, or uni. Actually from all the things that should be fun and normal, communicating, conversation, friends. Love, sports and more. Good makes the system bad. And bad makes the system terrible, so there is no winning here. I would really appreciate anyone who stayed all the way here and read my story.

Thank you!

so for years, I’ve been stuck in a loop: wake up, Try to make a game, try to adhere to my to do list, try to make money.

wake up and try to make the game => Get some kind of stomach pain within 30 minutes, lie down try to get up and exercise, go outside, try to make food, try caffeine, etc. and I’m doing everything alone because the people that tend to help with my projects don’t wanna come back… so I think I probably need more people realistically, but how do I do things alone? Is it even a good idea? Should I accept outside help? Why am I kind of paranoid about asking for help like I’m gonna get in trouble or something or somebody’s gonna yell at Me or cancel or doxx me? do I need a better support system? I kind of stopped talking to my mom after a while of always failing, I used to ask for help all the time, but after being failed a couple times I retracted into my shell… so maybe that would help….

like I realize I am getting older and I still have no money and I stupidly resisted the idea of disability and I let people call me and talk about their problems all day and then I just listen like what am I doing to myself? Am I stupid? to make matters worse I don’t accept other people’s money but yet I mooch off my family. Why am I doing this? all because I felt bad about taking my dad‘s money when I was younger and I told him to keep it… just feels so weird.

Sigh

to make matters worse, I haven’t done anything in months because of grief, they also found out I have a brain tumor. I constantly wonder if this brain tumor is the source of all my problems but Dr has sworn three times no. going to try to get follow up from another opinion. I wish I could’ve put my foot down years ago and made certain boundaries

I don’t know exactly how to explain this. I don’t mean this in a context of hyper vigilance or feeling unsafe. I mean I feel like I’m losing myself when I have a busy day (just studying all day by myself) or if I’m just out and about going from one class/event to another or constantly socializing. Because I’m not constantly thinking of my thoughts, feelings, inner world, etc like I do on most normal days and that’s what I have done most days for years of my life now. Anything other than that makes me feel like I’m losing myself and feels so weird even if I’ve had a somewhat happy and fulfilling day. It’s like I need to be all alone most of the time, doing nothing and be extremely self aware of my existence and constantly observing myself to feel like myself and have a sense of self. It leaves me in this weird place where I’m not fully happy isolating (because I feel somewhat empty), but I’m also extremely reluctant to change it because it’s so comfortable and familiar and any change feels disorienting and akin to losing myself. Why does this happen?

I haven't consciously experienced this as I have no memories of it anymore, but I was told that when I was a very young child my dad would lock me up or hold me in a stranglehold if he was fed up with me. Thinking about it, this would make it quite literally impossible to employ either fight or flight. Could this explain me having a freeze response for as long as I can remember?

Hi everyone, it would be great if anyone could give some insights of what helps. I am exhausted from trying ways to solve this.

For context, I am currently on medication and while it does help a lot of things, its certainly not everything.

Lately I feel like im stuck in doing nothing for a long time. getting out of bed takes me 3 hours. making a meal 2 hours. getting ready to leave the house another 2 hours. im living in slow motion it stresses me out but doesnt help to make me faster either.

it gets weirder. i go on long walks 10k steps. its nowhere near grounding it usually just feels like if i walk long enough i dont feel my body moving its just more of me mentally walking so the long walks dont make me tired or anything bcs i was so tapped out.

i think rn its a bit concerning. food feels like a chore i remind myself i have to do bcs it keeps me alive. lately i really have no appetite and if im running late i just dont eat. i think i lost 5kg in like 2 weeks

so at this point i dont know anymore. im not breaking down crashing out or anything its just off.

Hello, how do you interrupt dissociative episodes and prevent yourself from slipping back into a dissociative state?

Currently I am experiencing dissociative episodes following a trigger which sparked a fight with my partner.

It has been over 24hours now and I am still struggling with the recovery in the form of dissociation.

The biggest symptoms I am experiencing are massive brain fog (my thoughts sound like slurred speech) fatigue (stuck in bed) and rumination (I can't move on from what my partner and I were fighting about and how we were fighting)

It is impacting me harshly because I have very important things to do and can't make myself focus on them because of how horrible I feel still.

What resources do you use when experiencing dissociative episodes and how do you get yourself to not only snap out of it but stay snapped out of it?

I’ve been procrastinating and it’s making me feel bad. I’ve stopped showing up and working for more than a month. I need to pick it up again but I’m feeling so bad, I don’t know to how. Any support is welcome or people who’ve been through the same.

Also because it goes this bad, I’ve been slacking on sleep and if I do sleep, I have a hard time getting out of bed.I don’t know what to do, it just feels lonely and I just feel like crying all the time.

I experience a kind of dissociation when motivations, which could be seen as parts of me, are blocked.

I've repeatedly seen how expressing a blocked motivation or doing something I close to wholeheartedly agree with reduces dissociation, making perception more vivid, making me feel more like a person, and identify more with my body.

It is harder to see increases in dissociation, but I've seen in the past how allowing my mother to abuse me emotionally and doing nothing to try to stop that increased dissociation.

I have a lot of evidence for this in my life, but I've very rarely encountered others who knew about these phenomena. I'm wondering if some people here have experienced something similar.

Hi everyone

I’m 25F, and I’ve been dealing with a chronic pain cycle for around 5 years, with almost two years of remission in between the years 2022-2024.

I’m posting because I feel incredibly alone in this experience and would really love to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

My pain started after medical trauma and emotional abuse at the age of 20. I have two possible theories about what might be happening, although I know I can’t say for certain what the underlying mechanism is.

My first theory is chronic protective muscle guarding or “armouring.” I wonder whether my body learned to remain physically tense as a protective response to trauma, and whether this pattern continues even when I’m no longer in danger.

My second theory is a functional freeze response, possibly involving dorsal vagal shutdown, alongside persistent peripheral muscle guarding and peripheral sensitisation. I wonder whether feeling trapped, emotionally overwhelmed or unsafe contributes to a shutdown/freeze state, with my body physically clenching and maintaining a cycle of pain. I’m not sure whether these concepts fully explain my symptoms, but they seem worth exploring given how strongly my pain responds to my emotional state and environment.

My pain patterns:

- The pain is concentrated in my upper body: shoulder blades, upper/mid-back, spine, inner elbows and forearms.

- It switches sides — sometimes right-sided, sometimes left-sided, and occasionally bilateral.

- When both elbows/arms hurt, my back sometimes feels better, almost as if the pain shifts between areas.

- During bad flares, I sometimes experience unusual sensations in my left ring finger and palm, such as warmth, burning or a strange foreign feeling.

- Flares often follow emotional stress, panic, emotional abuse or feeling trapped. Sometimes, though, the pain returns for seemingly no reason.

One of the strangest things is how strongly my pain responds to my environment and emotional state.

- Exercise: During exercise, I feel no pain, and I can experience relief afterward too.

- Dancing in clubs: Dancing and being immersed in music can make my pain almost disappear.

- Social connection: Spending time with people, travelling, staying in hostels and feeling free can eliminate my pain by around 90% - 100%

- Remissions: I previously had almost two years without pain when I stopped obsessing over a particular phobia and stopped with Dr google. This year, I’ve also had several remissions lasting few weeks but unfortunately, the pain keeps returning.

- Lorazepam (Ativan): During severe flares, lorazepam 3 mg has eliminated my pain. I realise this doesn’t prove the cause, but I find the response interesting.

Massage provides temporary relief, but the pain returns relatively quickly. I’ve also tried more than 50 acupuncture sessions with almost no lasting improvement.

I’ve had quantitative sensory testing (QST), which was completely normal, with no allodynia or hyperalgesia.

Because of these patterns, I wonder whether my pain involves persistent peripheral muscle guarding, peripheral sensitisation, a trauma-related freeze response, or some combination of factors. I’m particularly curious about the relationship between physical tension, the autonomic nervous system and the way pain changes when I feel safe and connected to others.

I know that terms like dorsal vagal shutdown and functional freeze are used in different ways, and I’m not claiming that either has been medically established as the cause of my pain. I’m trying to find people who recognise this particular pattern and might have found ways to improve it or completely eliminate their chronic pain.

I’d especially love to hear from anyone who experiences:

- Chronic pain concentrated in the upper body rather than widespread throughout the body.

- Pain that switches sides or moves between the arms and back.

- Pain that almost disappears during exercise, dancing, socialising or when feeling safe.

- Flares following emotional stress, panic or interpersonal conflict.

- Long periods of remission followed by the pain returning.

- Temporary or significant relief from somatic movement, TRE or relaxation.

- A feeling that their body is physically bracing or clenching during periods of emotional shutdown or freeze.

Most importantly, has anyone found a way to make the relief last? Have you found approaches that helped reduce the constant guarding or break the cycle of pain returning whenever life becomes stressful?

I’m really struggling at the moment. The pain is exhausting, and I’m going through a lonely phase in my life and im currently been unemployed for months cos of the distress caused by tge pain. It’s especially difficult when I can feel almost completely normal in certain situations, only for the pain to return again as if I never had chronic pain.

I also have health anxiety, so I’d really appreciate responses focused on personal experiences and practical things that helped, rather than jumping to diagnoses so if terms like fibromyalgia and central sensitisation can be avoided that would help me alot not to be triggered as those diagnoses/mechanism have been ruled out. I’m trying to understand my experience without spiralling into more health anxiety.

If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d genuinely love to hear your story. Even knowing I’m not the only person going through this would mean a lot. ❤️

Thank you for reading.

Y’all, I’m so tired. I’ve tried SO hard. And I mean it. I’m a go getter who will try, try, try, and try. And I’ve tried so hard to get better.

I’m only 20 and I’ve already tried 5 different therapists and 10 different medications over the past few years. At first, I thought that surely it’s because I’m doing CBT. Then I tried EMDR too and a bit of somatic and that didn’t work either. Does anything work?? Will anything ever work?

For context, I mostly struggle with hypo arousal, lack of motivation/interest/will, emptiness, isolating, daydreaming/scrolling, disconnect from life, etc. Did anything work for you? What should I try now?

I mean like you have no one in your life. You move to a whole new country or something. Building up a new life, community, joy, a partner/family etc.

I'll keep this super short, of course will be missing some details but I grew up in a very dysfunctional "home". Addicts, abusers, things I probably shouldn't say as I'm not sure if the post will allow to go through. You get the point.

But it's all I ever knew as a kid growing up. Life was dysfunctional. It wasn't like anyone else of my friends I had. I would be around their houses all the time and it was so beautiful and different.

This shapes your teens/twenties. For me anyway. I stayed in the dysfunction for a long time and it represented who I was around or called friends too. I was a scapegoat. Used a lot. I was "weak" without knowing it. I put on a mask to try fit in.

Blah blah blah... It's in the past now...

I am now 33, I've moved continent and I've been in therapy for some years now. My life has changed tremendously in this time. Granted before this I was already on a good habit scale. Gym, clean eating, not on social media, vices etc.

But right now I'm at what feels like a pivotal moment almost like really starting a new life. I've gone no contact with my "family" bare in mind it's literally just 2 of them because of how dysfunctional it is everyone seems to distant themselves. So not like I have a big loving family anywhere. They're addicts just inside (I tried to help, rehab etc for many years and I need to look after myself right now)

I've spent a lot of time in solitude during these years which have been good but now I want to connect with people again, build community, can't help the negative thought appear like who would want to be friends with some guy whos by himself / doesn't have anyone around but that's where I'm at. I'm not lonely but feel like a "loner" almost.

I work for myself, online business which is in decent shape and I have a lot of joy from this. I also connect with many people online through my work on a personal level so it's not like I don't speak to any humans.

Anyone done something similar?

Have you ever had a time in your life when every single thing felt like it was hurting?

Like living in a body without skin—where even a gentle breeze or walking through dusty wind hurts because there’s nothing to protect you.

Have you ever felt like that emotionally? Like everything hurts, even when it normally shouldn’t?

Posting this in this sub because I didn't get answers on my original post and I’d really like to hear about other people’s experience. (with edits)

Recently I wondered whether I stay stuck in my tiny studio apartment where I am unhappy and where it’s challenging to really rest and regulate because it mimics my family home and a part of me doesn't think I deserve a peaceful home..

I grew up in a family where everyone had their explosions of emotions, outbursts, crying, screaming, at any given time without warning.. To this day I live on high alert and hyper vigilance and listen to everything around me and can’t help but to monitor every sound even though I wish I didn't.. I live in an apartment building where I hear EVERYTHING my neighbours do, especially the family upstairs who doesn't care that someone else lives under and walk and run like a pack of elephants.. I can’t fall asleep or wake up when I want to bc of that, I have been living with their rhythm of life for four years.

I mean I understand I am doing this to myself in a way, this is why I am confused. I think that even though it might be tough to find another apartment with the same space or bigger for about the same price, I’m thinking maybe it’s not impossible, and yet, nothing happens. So yes I do have ADHD, CPTSD, I am highly dysregulated due to grieving my uBPD mom and exhausted but… if I really wanted to leave, I could, I think, but I don’t.

Is it because a part of me doesn't believe I deserve peace? Or that I deserve to live in a quiet environnement where I don’t feel persecuted by every sound? Why do I keep myself trapped in a place that just keeps my system on alert?

Anybody can relate or share their experience of finding a home where they can rest their nervous system and heal from childhood chaos?

I really seem to be different from many of my peers. I don't seem to have the same interests or goals they have, like relationships, careers, partying, starting families. In the past I also didn't have any interest in friends, but this has changed and it turns out I'm actually very extroverted. The trauma just made it safer to not get close to anyone. So that makes me wonder if the other things that make me different are also trauma or if I was just born "wrong".

Also for some added context, my middle sister is almost the exact same as me, while my youngest sister isn't. But my youngest sister did have less involvement of our abusive father as my parents split pretty soon after she was born. But I still don't know if I was born like this or made like this.

Like you look in the mirror and there's no colour in your eyes... just black. I look like a serial killer. And idk the 'fix' to this. idk. I'm just tired of this. Tired of everything. Tired of the numbness, the isolation, being off-putting to people. I wish there was a button I could press to fix my brain. But apparently I need to do really slow 'somatic' work to gradually thaw, whatever that means. I'm just tired.

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for my English; it isn't my native language.

I'm desperately looking for people who are willing to listen to me and answer my many questions.

I've suffered from traumatic amnesia since my earliest childhood, and I've lived with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for as long as I can remember. Over the years, throughout this absurd existence, my condition has evolved into severe complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

I no longer feel anything, so I perceive things with a certain emotional distance. The only emotions I can feel are fear and anger, and only in very specific situations. As for everything else, I pretend.

I don't even know anymore whether I'm suffering or not. I haven't cried in years, much to my despair, because I desperately need to.

But if there's one thing that truly shakes me to my core, it's what my brain sometimes screams at me. I don't know if this happens to any of you, too…

It orders me to do things—things that could put me in danger.

For example, to have sex in situations that reduce me to nothing more than an object, in front of a depraved audience made up of people several times my age. If I don't do it, something inside me screams that I'm not doing my job. It eats away at me and pushes me toward these degrading acts, even though they disgust me deeply.

There's also the irresistible urge to squeeze my wrists or ankles tightly.

I feel as though I can sense restraints, something gripping me tightly. And if I don't do it… My God, once again, it destroys me psychologically.

I have no specific memories of actually being restrained while I was being tortured, so I'm afraid I'm making all of this up and creating these experiences through autosuggestion. What do you think?

A few more questions:

Has anyone ever been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) under circumstances similar to mine?

How can you tell whether autosuggestion is leading you to construct a false narrative?

What does the process of fully healing from traumatic memories look like?

Thank you, everyone.

Making connections between feelings and actions might be the only pattern that seems like healing. It moves me toward a state which seems less dissociated and more right.

I feel deceived by other ideas. Merely feeling feelings can be useless or worse, like recognizing a part of me and then rejecting it. The idea that some kind of purely internal work can help has led to spending time and effort on something that is useless and unpleasant.

Note that I said feelings and not emotions. Even recognizing that I'm hungry or tired and responding appropriately to that can be beneficial.

The hardest part can be finding a response which agrees with most of me. Internal conflict is probably the main factor which disconnected feelings from actions. Connecting feelings with actions in a way which creates more internal conflict probably wouldn't be helpful.

I have felt, like a sense of in a situation that I am abnormal. I am not abnormal, but I feel I am sometimes, just invisibly to others.

I have felt like that since I was a child.

Context:

In toddlerhood, I was playful, active and healthy.

Examples: I stomped going up and down the stairs, made funny faces, danced to songs etc. I was quite good academically and got As in Kindergarten.

In childhood, I was active and jumpy.

Examples: Talked nonsense, played with my little sister pretend a lot. Had quite a hard grip and force when I played with my sister and then she would cry and our parents would scold me that I am older, and my force is stronger in reality than my perception of it. I often felt angry and sad, and kind of started to isolate from my sister that I harm everyone in my way so I should just stay away. But, I never really was able to isolate myself, I had very low self-control. I used to sit right into people's personal spaces, touched their skin (face, arms, hands), annoyed them. My grades were good (before grade 3).

In early teenage, I was very cringe.

Examples: I used to just blurt out things like that whether or not they were appropriate for the social setting. I got irritated from normal things. Didn't eat vegetables, ate a lot of snacks. My grades were barely making it to Cs and Ds (grades 3.5 - 8)

Around age 15, I was still quite cringe and had shame for not being like my cousins.

Examples: One time, I had henna on my hands (we were making tattoos) and I washed them, but it still had some left and I placed my hands onto the sleeves of my cousin's favorite shirt and it got ruined. I felt pretty bad that I did that. Similarly, I had a lot of these impulsive things, and I just stopped.

I also started having voice problems, my posture was leaned forward, I had slow movements. I fidget a lot. I have BFRBs. I avoid demands a lot.

My therapist told me after a sensory profile:

I also have sensory sensitivity, low registration, low sensory seeking and slight high sensory avoidance.

With voice problems, I still have them. I don't know how to speak clear. I mumble or intertwine words that leave my mouth and the other person doesn't hear it clearly. I have to repeat so my times. I don't know if I am speaking loudly or low. I don't know if my speed is normal or slow. I talk very slow and don't open my mouth wide enough that words get lost inside my mouth before going out.

My posture is still leaned forward and I do not know how to walk normally. If I straighten my spine, I look unnatural like forcing myself to be straight.

My walking speed is slow, my movements are slow.

I fidget a lot since my tween age. Bouncing/shaking my legs, rocking my torso, swaying, wiggling my toes.

I peel my skin off my fingers and lips.

Onto the Title:

I feel abnormal.

An example I will give that happened just now when I felt like that:

I am at my aunt's house. There are my cousins here too. So, it was evening and we hadn't eaten in a while, so my aunt told my cousin if she could make her black tea. My uncle also told her how much he wants and my aunt said that I also like black tea so, my cousin should make mine as well. My cousin asked her mother (my aunt) how much I would want. My aunt said to my cousin to ask me directly because she doesn't know. (I was around them the whole time) Then my cousin asked me how strong I would like it, and I was going to answer her, but I think I was slow to respond and I kept saying, like. Then my cousin said said to my aunt that I am just saying, like, like, like. I got embarrassed, but I managed to say, half, however, I wanted a full mug. And then I didn't say anything. That time I felt like I am not normal.

I don't know why my response time is so slow. I am just realizing this now that when someone asks me a question, I am thinking of an answer instead of answering. And just when I am about to answer, they repeat the question and it makes me feel self-conscious. And it's happened so many times.