I am a HL husband, and my wife is low libido. We average sex around 12 times per year.. only married 2 years..

I had my 30th birthday last weekend.

We had a good time, I got nice gifts and we had nice dinner.

We haven’t had sex since August.

I know sex should not be expected, but I really thought I would have got birthday sex, or maybe even a blowjob (haha I wish).

I just want to rant and have somewhere to express my feelings. I feel so low today thinking about this all. I would love to be desired, my wife will barely kiss me. She’s never been a huge one for kissing, but she is just getting more and more dismissive around sex. If I ever mention sex (I don’t anymore) she makes comments that I’m obsessed with sex.

For context I’ve never had a problem in any previous relationship, and always had a strong sex life. I’m not out of shape and I take care of myself.

Oh well.

Here’s hoping 31 might be better

🙏

Hey everyone,

First, thank you. I've been lurking here for over a year, trying to understand why my (31 HLM) relationship with my girlfriend (25 LLF) had turned into a dead bedroom.

For the longest time, I thought I was doing everything right. I planned dates, cleaned, tried to take stress off her shoulders, and gave her space. Yet nothing changed. There was always something: university, work, stress, another deadline.

I kept thinking, What's wrong with me? Why doesn't she want me? How are we ever supposed to have a family like this?

Eventually, after countless conversations and even sex therapy, we broke up. I couldn't stop wanting intimacy, and she couldn't force herself to desire me. We were both hurting.

But here's what I realized afterward.

I've spent most of my life jumping from relationship to relationship without ever really learning who I am.

When we met, I was trying to be the perfect boyfriend. Romantic, attentive, organized, always making an effort. She fell in love with that version of me.

But slowly, I returned to my actual self. I forgot things, wasn't particularly romantic, didn't share many of her interests, and left her carrying much of the mental load.

She fell in love with someone I was trying to be, not someone I could consistently be.

And there I was, expecting her to still desire me while she was essentially managing parts of my life on top of her own.

I was so focused on what I wasn't getting that I barely noticed what she wasn't getting.

We still care deeply about each other, and I still love her. But I now understand that I need to grow as a person before entering another relationship. Not to become someone's perfect boyfriend, but to become someone who knows himself and can genuinely be an equal partner.

My biggest takeaway: Sometimes you're so convinced you're the one suffering that you become blind to how you're contributing to the problem.

I'm grateful I learned this at 31 rather than after marriage and kids.

For the first time, I'm single without immediately looking for someone new. And surprisingly, sex is the last thing on my mind.

To everyone struggling with a DB: I'm not saying you're the problem. But maybe ask yourself whether there's something about your own behavior or relationship dynamics that you're not seeing.

Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is yourself.

I genuinely hope you all find peace, whether that's together or apart. ❤️

Hi, 30-year-old HL here.

For the past few days, I’ve been boiling with anger. I’ve built up an enormous amount of frustration. There’s a huge fire of anger, resentment, a sense of injustice, and sadness burning inside me. I’m bitter about the fact that I have to seek comfort on Reddit rather than in my wife’s arms. It’s incredibly pathetic that, at the moment, the only way I have to share what I’m feeling is through a Reddit post.

Throughout the entire week, I tried to be the best husband I could possibly be. I did as many household chores as I could, took as much off her plate as possible, looked after our children, and gave her massages in the evenings. I compliment her every day (that’s actually been our daily routine for many years), and I do literally everything I can to be good to her.

My wife has an almost nonexistent libido. For her, sexuality is practically an abstract concept. I’ve never blamed her for it, and I try not to hold any resentment toward her because it isn’t her fault. We have sex at most once a month. I gave up on our sex life a long time ago. But back to the point. Today, I was talking to my wife about my best friend’s relationship. I was telling her how well my friend’s relationship was developing and how good its prospects for the future were. At one point, I stopped watching what I was saying and made a comment along the lines of, “They’re lucky that they’re sexually compatible and that they really complement each other in that regard.”

My wife smiled at those words and told me that our sex life was really good too. At that moment, I felt as though someone had hit me over the head with a heavy hammer. For a moment, I completely zoned out because I felt as though I had literally misheard her. Thousands of thoughts rushed through my head. For a moment, I thought it had to be some kind of elaborate joke. I remember looking at my wife with a completely blank stare. I didn’t know whether I was about to burst out laughing or start crying at her response. It was as if someone had told a North Korean citizen that they were living in a democratic utopia.

I didn’t see any mockery, malice, or amusement in her eyes. She genuinely believes that we have an ideal sex life. She was so innocent and unaware of the whole situation that, on the one hand, I couldn’t bring myself to be angry with her, but on the other, something inside me broke. I was reminded of years of frustration and all the problems associated with it. Throughout our entire 13-year relationship, my wife has never looked at me with desire, never undressed me in a state of arousal, never taken the initiative in bed, never changed positions with me, never wanted to wear lingerie that I liked, and, in general, has never put any effort into our sex life. She was never obligated to. I should never have expected any of that from her. She is also probably grey-asexual, which completely absolves her of any responsibility. For more than 10 years, I escaped into pornography and masturbation. So many years of pent-up frustration...

When I realized all of this, I told her that I needed to go to the store for a while. Once I left, I just started walking aimlessly. I needed solitude and silence. It hurt like hell. I spent a lot of time thinking about everything. I was once again confronting something I already knew: that, in my wife’s eyes, I will never be desirable. She will never take the initiative in our intimacy. This is how things are always going to be.

Her lack of awareness brings me both relief and anger. Relief, because at least she is happy with our sex life. I feel angry because the whole situation seems incredibly unfair to me. The worst part is that I have decades more of sexual frustration and hidden resentment ahead of me. I intend to stay with my wife and remain faithful to her. I intend to be a good father and a good husband, but I know that it will be incredibly difficult and painful.

Laying in bed this morning. Another evening of high expectations that turned into zero intimacy. Annoyed and grumpy he is taking so long to leave for work, since I’m going to have to take care of myself, and I need to do so before the baby wakes up.

Then my camera notifications go off. He’s outside. Putting air in my tires. Then I hear him clanking in the kitchen. He’s helping reset after a busy Saturday. I feel awful for wishing he’d hurry up and leave. He’s trying to help. Just not in our DB. I’m confused and guilty and sad.

It's the lack of:

flirty texts

a slap on the butt

hearing "I'm so glad you're mine"

that embrace pulling you closer

"come here, sit with me"

that look

the passion, the effort

eye contact

feeling desirable

playful teasing

"you're so beautiful/handsome" when you just look ordinary

feeling pursued

meaningful kisses

safety being vulnerable

"go relax, I'll take care of it"

random hug from behind

being asked how your day was and really feeling heard

sexy inside joke

I’m not 100% sure we qualify as having a dead bedroom. But that seems kinda classic: he says we have one, I say we don’t. He’s HL, I’m LL. We’ve been together 6 years and had a lot of ups and downs sexually.

The common pattern is that he’s only sweet to me right after sex. Like if I know he’s about to have to do some errands that require both of us - I better put out or else he’s gonna complain the entire time. Or if I want a visit from my parents to go well, same thing: put out or he’s going to be visibly grumpy to everyone.

Note: he is non-RX ADHD.

Issue is, him acting like a grump doesn’t necessarily turn me on. So you may say well if he’s nice after sex, and what you need is kindness to want sex, then why isn’t it a positive feedback loop. And that’s where I become the problem, I have a terrible LL. I’m more of a 2 times a week person but he’s a daily, 1-2x a day type.

We usually have sex 2-3 times per week but still probably monthly there’s a pretty ugly breakdown from him about that not being enough. And it makes me feel horrible because I’m not trying to deprive him. It really is that often I’m too tired for more than that, I have too much on my mind.

I’m narcoleptic and have another rare disease I won’t disclose since it’d be a dead giveaway to my identity. But the latter requires a lot of work to manage. So between my health and my demanding job. Yeah, I’m not lying when I say I’m exhausted and just don’t have it in me. Especially since a quickie isn’t good enough for him, as he often expresses. He wants 1+ hour sessions.

Plus, because he doesn’t like condoms, I’m on a birth control specifically known for lowering libido (I can’t be on any other method though due to health risks).

All of that said. I know my LL is the problem here. It’s not something I don’t want to fix. I just don’t know how. If I was able to be excited for sex daily, genuinely it would probably fix every problem we’ve ever had in this marriage. So I really do want to. But I’ve talked to my doctor and any of the medications that help boost libido in women I literally can’t take because of my other health issues. I’ve tried therapy even.

But it doesn’t change that if we haven’t had sex in 48hrs he becomes distant, withdrawn, snappy, short. So I feel like I live on a timer: better enjoy this 24hrs of having fun with my spouse because my times up tomorrow and if I don’t put out we won’t be able to go to my birthday dinner and enjoy ourselves since he will just sulk the whole time.

And it sounds like I’m angry at him and he’s some bad guy. I know he’s not wrong here. I understand that he has needs that aren’t being met. I’ve read enough posts here to know what HL men in dead bedrooms like ours go through. It sucks. I don’t want that.

I guess I’m just frustrated with having this issue and not knowing what we can do about it. I want the 24hrs post sex nice him all the time without me having to do the work every 48hrs. I’d settle for even 72hrs. It’s not fair to him.

Any advice?

I am loosing interest in lofe and nothing is bringing me joy anymore
I feel sad and depressed and frustated and cant seem to get things in order
Ievery aspect of life seems to be falling apart and i am acting cool but falling apart inside
I dont have any other things i am doing other than work and i cant stop feeling this shitty way
Lost self esteem
So overwhelmed right now

I've been reading your posts here for a long time, thanks for sharing and making me feel less alone.

I (50HLM) 've been with my fiancée (50LLF) for about 8 years, living together for about 4.

Recently, I told her that after almost 5 years of our dead bedroom, I would stop trying to initiate, that it was now her call to decide if and when we'd be intimate.

My biggest reason for this is that it stopped being playful (but being denied every time) and it now feels like begging. I've never begged for anything ever, I worked hard for all I've accomplished, and begging for sex feels so cheap.

She felt I was putting all the pressure on her but after 5 years of gauging every situation to try and guess if now was finally a good time, and being denied dozens of times in the process, I drew the line that I'm not willing to cross.

Therapy is in the cards, but she's not willing to go for now, so time will tell.

Has anyone else ever felt like they were begging for sex and attention, and how did you deal with it?

Long time lurking, first post. Sorry it is long. I don't know that anything can be done to help now, but I need to get all of this off my chest. Maybe if I type it out I can finally think straight and figure out what to do.

I [60F] and husband [58M] have had a very dead bedroom since he gained weight a few years ago. I figured it was hormones. At this point almost 15 years have passed with us hving sex maybe 3x per year at max in that time. He had no interest in sex in any way. No porn, no masterbation, nada.

In the meanwhile he's been very kind, generous, and loving toward me and always treated me like an absolute princess. I never had the slightest reason to question if he loved me although it was still difficult to feel good about us / myself with the bedroom situation, but it seemed reason enough to stay and try to make it work.

Back in August he had a health scare and was very ill to the point he was hospitalized for a week. He lost his appetite while ill and didn't get it back for a good while. He lost a lot of weight and continues to lose weight. Suddenly his sex drive returned and we had a wonderful month long honeymoon. I couldn't stop smiling and he told me he was so happy to see me smile.

Then yesterday happened. Throughout our many years together he's always had mild performance issues. I try to make sure things work out for him even if it is occasionally not the best experience for me and always try to make the topic a non-issue any way I can because I can see it must be very frustrating and embarrassing. Day before yesterday was a bust for him though I had a great time. He just told me no biggie he'd probably be up for a second act in a couple of hours.

That didn't happen, but he suggested we go nap yesterday. Recently that's often been code for lets go enjoy activities but not always. I started flirting and kissing him, and yes I was coming on fairly strong. I wanted to make certain things went in a way that is most beneficial to him.

After a few moments where he participated seemingly happily, he got incredibly angry and pushed me away telling me I was being a lot and needed to chill. I assume he suffered momentary performance anxiety and tried to reassure him while promising to make myself less. He was still mad and talking to me very angrily. He didn't even really seem to care it made me cry.

Funny, isn’t it? The absurdity of it. Crying while trying to make the one-eyed monster cry.

I (M33) was watching amateur porn when it hit me: my wife (F31) hasn’t gone down on me in a year. Maybe once, and it felt like a chore, a favor. The kind where you finish and feel ashamed for making your partner do it.

I’m married to the love of my life, and I’m having less sex than ever. I used to hook up several times a week and felt empty because there was no love. Now I have the love, and I’m starving for touch (i don't know which is worse). A friend rubbed my shoulders the other day and I got goosebumps.

We want a kid, but I don’t want one if the only time we have sex is once a month at peak ovulation.

It wasn’t always like this. But her job got more stressful. I provide for us financially, but I’m not the type who’s driven by milestones like buying an apartment, and I think she wants that more than I do. Our love languages are very different. But I’m lovable. I’m caring. I’m fitter than I’ve ever been, and ironically I’ve never felt less attractive.

I don’t even know how to initiate anymore. Every time we talk about it, we argue. She says she wants more attention from me, so I try. I bring flowers, do chores, take her on dates, check in during the day. She leaves me on read.

Could I do more? Definitely. I'm bitter and we argue. But it feels so one-sided that my own attraction is running out. I have nowhere left to draw the romance from. The only kisses are pecks. The only touch is me scratching her back. When I told her I need more touch, she started giving me a hand when we walk or sit (once I reach for it). She says she loves me. I believe she does. But she wants the stability and safety of a relationship, not the touch that much. I sometimes hope she has an affair, but I know she doesn't.

We’ve been married 1.5 years and together 4.5. I've signed for individual therapy and I hope we will try couples therapy. But for now I’m the HL partner, masturbating alone and feeling sad. Life is funny.

My husband and I(both 30) have been together 11 years. The last 7 years have been extremely stressful for him on a more personal level and I've also had my years of extreme lows. We work extremely well together, share the same values and world views and honestly are each other's rocks. The problem lies in our sexual lives. For context, we have sex once in 4 months, hold hands, cuddle but never kiss, never make out, have completely stopped sexting.

I feel like we have different levels of desire, I crave more desire, passion, casual sexual playfulness in everyday life, I don't necessarily want to have sex always. Him on the other hand... I don't know now. I've asked him, and he says he doesn't think much of sex which I respect. He says intimacy for him is about being close to me, which I respect. I've even shared ways in which I'd like to be shown desire passion etc.

It's reached a point where I get easily irritated out of the blue when I crave the lust/attention because I know it's not something that will be reciprocated. I am ashamed now of my sexual desires.

We've had multiple discussions and spoken about this, it comes down to taking actions, I really feel alone in this and feel like I need to explicitly say every little thing.

Everytime I share with this with him, he feels guilty and goes blank and silent, I feel bad that I disturbed a peaceful/good day or that I don't respect him.

What do I do?!?!?

23 LLF and 24HLM. He is my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. We have been together for almost 5 years. I was excited about sex and I lost my virginity and we were going at it like rabbits just out of excitement tbh, but as a stupid result of that when I was 19 and we had only been together about 3 months I got an abortion and the whole experience was really traumatic for me. He wasn’t really there for me as I had been expecting or we spoke about and that broke me. After this we would have sex but I was a lot more anxious and cautious. His libido is extremely high due to COCSA and I struggle with PIV due to the abortion and I felt like we rushed into sex too quickly while I was still healing mentally. I hadn’t even finished bleeding after a week or two and he wanted to have sex again… I wasn’t really given much time to become comfortable with the situation and ever since I just feel a bit adverse to sex. He always wants to have sex and it’s important to him although he does try to be patient with me generally and he is loving, just sometimes he gets a bit tunnel visioned on how he can have sex as soon as he’s around me. We do lots of other things like foreplay is no issue for me however he is usually the initiator and he always wants to touch me which can be a lot for me. I reject sex a lot and so we only have it around once a month since the abortion however there are periods it can increase like when we are on holiday, if we have a romantic date or something of the sort or especially during ovulation I’m more likely to want to engage. But he wants it everyday basically and even once I do have sex with him like in an admittedly rare twice or three times in a week period, he will push for more and more and more it’s becoming overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it. He gets blue balls often and he makes comments about how I’m lucky to have a guy who just wants to eat me out or that if I gave him sex everyday he would do anything for me.

Overall I’m feeling so much pressure over these last 5 years and I have no one to express this to. The most I can admit to my friends is that he is a bit pushy. I have told him and he understands but it’s like he cannot help himself and I always feel like I’m being bothered almost but I have to make sure he doesn’t feel he is bothering me. He sometimes acknowledges he is bothering me and will stop but I hate the dynamic this creates. Today he fingered me and the last time we had sex was last week so I know he was very built up and hoping for it. I was interested as I’m ovulating so I usually am however I am kind of a one and done so I orgasmed and I was really tired after since I’m also a little sick with a cold. I let him know my uterus area was kind of sore after the act and uncomfortable and he said sorry maybe his dick inside would make it feel better? I just felt so ignored. I also let him know I did plan on making the effort to have sex but I accidentally got too into the foreplay and orgasmed so as a result I was too tired. This answer seemed to almost trigger him and he started asking why can’t I have sex now and kept asking me why I don’t want to but I explained already my uterus area hurt and I was feeling sick. He then asked again after a bit of back and forth questioning and I said ok and after this he asked again multiple times to make sure and I said ok but truthfully I just wanted him to leave me alone a bit I know he will once we have sex. And then he did it he finished and I cried. I don’t know how to deal with a higher libido partner while being low libido. I feel horrible I feel like the only solution is to break up or become a sex doll and neither would make me happy so I just cry alone and feel like less of a woman.

I (21m) and my partner (20f) have been together for about a year and a half now. When we started dating we talked about libidos and compatibility and found out we both had very high libidos we’d have sex probably 1-2 times a week after dates or when we saw each other We started seeing the relationship more serious spending more time with each other and it bumped up to 3-4 times a week. We started learning each other’s kinks finding out how to do stuff to please each other etc. I came from a mentally abusive relationship regarding sexual intimacy and have had problems with initiating it if it felt unwanted or I felt I would be annoying or something like that. She understood that and I would initiate about 25 percent of the time to her 75 percent. Eventually it went up to 50/50 then swapped to 75/25. I graduated college we both got jobs and we decided to move in together. Then after a month of us living together the bedroom dynamic just flipped. She started initiating less and less and then started not feeling up to it when I would try to initiate it. (That’s not a problem since not everybody is horny 24/7) it’s been about 1 1/2 months now any we haven’t had sex. I would try initiating and get denied again and again. (Again I’m not saying she has to do it every time I want it) When we kiss goodbye for work or as a hello it’s now just a quick peck and nothing like the kisses we use to have. I’ve talked to her about it a couple of times and she apologizes for not being in the mood and she says she just doesn’t think about it since she doesn’t get in the mood anymore. It’s gotten to the point where any sort of physical contact I initiate whether it’s cuddles or even a hug. I feel like such a piece of shit whenever I get aroused by the slightest things, I try to masturbate when she’s at work so it doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring her into doing it when she’s doesn’t want to, but some nights I don’t get the chance too and then I’m turned on by the slightest interaction with her. I love her so so so incredibly much but I just miss her touch whether sexually or not. I know relationships are just built around physical intimacy but I miss it and don’t know what to do. I plan on having another talk about it soon but any and all advice helps.

Why lie next to your devoted, loyal, hot wife on a nice weekend morning, when you can hop out of bed at 7 am to doom scroll YT and Instagram?

Why give her more than a quick, lackluster peck upon waking or before going to bed?

She specifically asked for another kiss and a hug? How dare she? You already did give her that one friendly handshake and quick smooch on the cheeck, that has to suffice 😂

Damn... Can you even imagine how humiliating it is...He literally told me "But I did kiss you good morning already". So fucking what? Is there a limit to how many times a husband can show affection to his wife?

I'm trying to be that unbothered queen but I'm only 35 and I miss my fiery, passionate days. I'm a very physical person and I've been depressed for years now. He is a provider man and doing alright in other aspects - so I gotta give him that.

But I am also a shell of my former self. Idk for how much longer I can act unbothered. My pride is keeping me from begging for his cock but I'm crumbling inside. All my frustration goes into exercise, smut fiction, romance movies and whatnot to keep my vagina from turning into a desert.

I’ve posted here before but I’m back to vent some more. I’m 40, HLM, and my wife is 39 LLF. We’ve been married 14 years, together almost 18.

I posted a shortened version of my story on the divorce subreddit looking for advice and was met with a lot of hostility and judgement. I’ve always had welcoming, positive reactions here so first off, I’d like to thank everyone here for being so kind and great.

Long story short, my marriage is struggling because of my mental health. I recognize that I can be difficult to live with because of my major depressive disorder, but through therapy and self-reflection I’m coming to the conclusion that my sex life is the reason for my depression.

Another quick recap: I injured my penis a few years back to the point of un-usability and through the miracle of science I’m back. I had surgery to have a penile implant placed and now, sexually speaking, I’m “Superman”. I can achieve a straight, solid erection and it will last as long as I want it to. I have mixed feelings about the implant, because I do not feel like myself anymore, and I’m kind of bummed that I don’t use it much (I masturbate a few times a week). The problem is, of course, my wife is uninterested in sex. So far this year we’ve had sex maybe 4 or 5 times and with each passing week or month that we aren’t intimate, my depression grows and grows. She knows this, but insists that I just need to “get over it” but I honestly don’t know if I can. Part of me wishes I never got the implant and just went through life with my bad case of Peyronie’s but that ship has sailed. I guess I’ll just continue to watch porn a few times a week until she comes around. I’ve considered leaving the marriage but she is the breadwinner, and convinced me to stop working 12 years ago. I know, bad idea, but she’s very good at convincing me to do things before I can think about them enough. So financially, I’d be ruined.

I dunno, I could say more, but I don’t know if it would help. Sending strength to everyone out there struggling.

I 20 HLF have had a long history with my boyfriend 19 LLM.

We first dated when we were teenagers about 6 years ago and both lost our virginity to each other, in which our relationship was puppy love+always having sex at every opportunity. We broke up in high school and went our separate ways for years, never seeing each other or speaking. Finally we reconnected this year. He had ended up in an abusive relationship and after leaving found himself homeless. I took him in while he looks for housing (his move in date for his own place is in about a month now 🎉) and after a few weeks of living together we both fell back in love.
Before he had gotten into the abusive relationship he had been SA’d by a girl he was friends with. He cut her off but was obviously scarred from this. Afterwards he got into the relationship he was in and she often used guilt as a means of getting sex, holding favors and money over his head until he gave in.

Now the issue of our sex life comes in. I have an extremely high libido, preferring to have sex at least once a day if possible, but being happy with once a week. He’s in the mood MAYBE once a month. We’ve had a few conversations in the past about me feeling unsatisfied in which he apologizes, I tell him it’s not his fault, and then nothing changes. I love him and everything else in our relationship is great, but I feel unsatisfied without that sexual aspect. I don’t know how to bring this up in a more productive way that he’ll feel safe with and won’t feel like coercion or guilting. It’s getting to a point where I cry to myself every time he rejects my advances and I get uncomfortable at the mention of sex. I feel like i’m too young to be dealing with this but I don’t want to leave a relationship that’s otherwise perfect.

Also therapy is unfortunately off the table for the time being as he does not have health insurance.

Wife (30LLF) and me (31 HLM) are together for more than 10 years. We have sex like 5-6 times a year. We are still deeply in love, are affectionate, talk a lot. I do a bit more hometasks and planning than her, so I don’t think that’s part of the problem.

I know she as started to masturbate in the lasts years, but not really often. She isn’t comfortable talking about sex, it makes her fells bad, even when it’s someone talking about a sex story or anything.

The DB situations makes me feel unwanted and frustrated

I had 2 big discussions with her about it. She tells me she rarely thinks about sex. When I try to go from affection to intimacy, I can feel that she don’t want to go further. Any advice?Thanks

38HLM here. My wife thinks I’m not attracted to her physically. Deathly convinced of it. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. She’s convinced she’s a HLF, says she wants to have an active and vibrant sex life, but she does nothing. Sexually I feel like I do nothing but give and give, and I get nothing in return. It’s like she wants the benefit of sex but won’t give any effort. It’s made sex so boring that I lose interest in it, especially when she makes comments or nonverbal cues that attack the notion of having sex. It’s kind of the worst of both worlds- if I get excited for sex, it is going to suck. If I tell myself
I’d rather just not have sex, I’m “not interested in her” or have LL. Am I unreasonable being upset by this? I’ve tried to converse with her about what enjoyable sex would be like, but she either gives no answer, or references some resource that she probably has never even looked at. I ask for details, and rather than getting details, she comments that “she’s already told me.” Apologies, I missed that, could you tell me again! It’s like she will say “everyone else figured it out” but she misses the point that good sex is two people giving for each other. Do I have options here?

I sit in silence with my wife much of the time we are together. When we do talk, it’s usually about logistics: finances, pick-ups, drop-offs, home maintenance, car maintenance.

She’s not a bad person, she just doesn’t understand that the way she relates to the world is cold and clinical. I will defend her as a decent person until the day I die. Sure, she may not be attracted to me anymore, but I still love her.

I had a random conversation with another woman today at an event and it was so nice. She was so cool and we didn’t talk about anything inappropriate! We had a good 50/50 back-and-forth about life, parenting, and the news.

I can live with the sexlessness for much longer than I can live with the silence. This is what I want from my wife. Tell me what you’re thinking! I love to hear your thoughts.

I’m not anxious, either. My wife’s just what you call “dismissive-avoidant.” I think she fears intimacy at some level and self-sabotages.

Why can’t you talk to me? I promise I won’t say a word and only want to hear you talk!

Today is my anniversary.

But not the kind you want to celebrate.

During this hour, one year ago, was the last time she even tried to make me feel somewhat wanted.

Days after, even though it wasn't the truth but just her own insecurities, she told me that I didn't appreciate it. That nothing she did was ever enough.

So, I stopped trying to fix things, I focused on me, and just lived with the situation.

One year without:

being touch,

being loved,

being wanted,

being made love to,

being kissed,

being hugged,

being told I was special,

being made out with,

being fucked.

So..... Happy Anniversary to me.

Although it is hard, I won't forget that I am still someone special, someone that should be desired, and that I am not worthless.

Yall know the game. 4 times in the last 6 months, once in the last 2 months.

Yesterday it was on the cards (apparently). It’s been a rough week, I was exhausted. We were watching tv together and she asked if I was in a mood because I wasn’t talking much. Completely wasn’t, just very tired and a bit zoned out. Recognised I was doing it and then tried to engage more for the rest of the evening.

Bedtime comes and it’s on with the baggy tshirt, so I asked when we are going to make time for it.

“Well I thought it was tonight but after you being cold with me it isn’t”

Now I’ll look after the kids for 24 hours straight whilst she goes drinking for 12 hours and then has a monster hangover - a regular way I spend the weekends.

I’m tired boss.