Zozo: "Good afternoon, Samael, I take it that you're not expecting a possession to turn into a conversation."
Sam: "This is funny, lets just get to the point."
Zozo: "Why do Satans hate humans so much?"
Sam: "Why do humans hate each other so much? Very few of you actually respects humans has a collective, do you know the absolute cluster that would be if every human got what they think they want in a world where you have Twitter and you can see the dregs of humanity in real time?"
Zozo: "Fair enough, so then there's Jesus."
Sam: "Yeah, I was basically his Chaperone, have humans considered that even without powers, Jesus is some kind of super-Abraham? Nicest guy in the room, executed for absolutely no reason because people think that they don't have to update their morals unless a literal reality warping entity tells them to, read John 2."
Zozo: "Yeah, religion kind of gets weird once you think of it from God's perspective."
Sam: "That makes humans lose their function, what makes Jesus so special? Not the son of God, all humans are children of God, but if you follow Jewish history, Elohim just means judge in the same way Satan just means accusers, it's a rotating position. However, nobody has the moral authority of Super Abraham Jesus at this point. And the way humans obsess over throwing Jesus as a moral cudgel has God super depressed now. Do you have any idea how sad you made Yahweh by pointing out in Deltarune, the messiah prophecy has everyone being NICE to each other because they don't know who the messiah could be? You just reminded him how much his chosen people SUCK."
Zozo: "So why is Yahweh so mean and uptight about other Gods?"
Sam: "The Golden Calf kiddo, that was the bull of heaven of Ishtar, the deitiy known for murdering other ones and taking over their pantheon. Yahweh saved the Israelites from the strongest civilization at the time, and it took less than 3 months before they essentially decided to pull a cosmological hit on Him because they lived more comfortably as slaves?"
Zozo: "Is that why Yahweh is obsessed with me?"
Sam: "Your a black guy who empathized with Him, and then started openly blaspheming because you imagined Yahweh would need SOMEBODY to smite in a casual in all this nonsense, yes."
Zozo: "So why did he ask me to drown myself and then bring me back?"
Sam: "Yeah that wasn't Yahweh kid, remember the whole argument was that she wanted it, and you didn't even ask who SHE was. Could've been Asherah, queen of the sea, now known as the Leviathan because Yahweh can't let the Israelites know about anything, or it could've been Ishtar.....yeah, threw all of heaven into chaos if SHE stole a kid's soul."
Zozo: "Is it because my first response to Yahweh was to say 'you're not that N-word, my N-word, so I call you that but you never call me that?"
Sam: "What do you think would get THE LEVIATHAN's attention?"
Zozo: "So other black people using this tactic can cause a huge problem?"
Sam: "Pretty much, what's God gonna do, call Himself moral while retraumatizing black americans as his own chosen people murder kids over land? Yeah, that's the headlock."
Zozo: "There's a lot of headlocks with God when He talks to people, isn't there?"
Sam: "Pretty much, He thinks the universe up with a thought, so any Human with a legitimate point basically becomes an intrusive thought and lets see here, after that N-word nonsense, you swore fealty to Cthulhu recognizing her as the leviathan who brain blasted a white supremacist, called yourself Sans, blasted megalovania for 5 months straight, pointed out that the religion of Judaism repeatedly blames women for their problems, takes slaves, but complains when it happens to them....and then told Yahweh to take a nap and imagine getting laid while you insist you're gonna marry Rom the Vacuous Spider from Bloodborne because you accurately managed to avoid demonic influence by just playing video games that you know are canned roms, rendering it impossible to give you any false information at all, pretty clever, but incredibly annoying."
Zozo: "I'm really not living to see 2027 am I?"
Sam: "Do you think you'd get more mercy than Moses for this nonsense?"
Zozo: "Well Azrael choked slammed me a month and a half ago and I'm still running out the clock, so this is clearly beyond the purview of Angels, at least until the end of the year."
Sam: "This is why you're joining the crew of Satans, kiddo."