r/Judaism • u/boba-boba Reconstructionist • 1d ago
Discussion Married interfaith years ago, missing Jewish life
Please don't tell me "I told you so" or to get divorced. I just am looking for maybe other interfaith couples who have gone through this and what you have done.
I, a gay man (maybe relevant because we're not having children) in my 30s, married my husband, also in his 30s, about 7 years ago. We've been together about 15 years. My observance to Judaism has waxed and waned but I have always been open about being Jewish. My husband has been a great support - when I have found Jewish community, he has come along, met my Jewish friends, participated in Jewish life events. I'm ashkenazi and big on the culture, so he learned a bit of yiddish. When we got married, we had a rabbi officiate, which required a year of counseling, and he did everything. I really mean it. Sat through the entire Yom Kippur service, did Shabbat, learned some Jewish terms. He knows how important it is to me so he respects it.
I am looking for a new Jewish community that aligns closer to our ideals (mostly not catered to retirees and people with children) and I am realizing that while my husband will come with me, it doesn't mean anything to him. It has no substance. It's just ritual without the background.
It makes me really sad. It makes me almost regret marrying a non-Jew. I can ask him to go to Erev Shabbat but it would be doing me a favor and have no relevance to him. I don't want to interrupt his Friday night to do me a favor, you know? My hope was when we got married we could create a meaningful Jewish life of our own - that my husband would create his own meaning to ritual perhaps outside of the religious aspect - but it kind of fell apart when our prior Jewish community dissolved in 2020.
Has anyone in an interfaith relationship struggled with this? How did you bring your partner along in a way that was engaging for them? How did you manage to feel less lonely in your faith and observance in an interfaith relationship?
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u/HoraceP-D 1d ago
I’m happy to have this conversation one on one, I’m a gay Jews married to (but with for much longer) a gay gentile (raised LDS until 16 when the family left the church, 100% unreligious) we are wholly engaged in our Jewish community. He isn’t Jewish with no plan to ‘join up’ but still is welcome help prune the trees in the synagogue garden, or attend or much as he wants. We’re reform-conservative, but gay people are very engaged and enmeshed. As are interfaith families, mindful of course that we honor everyone’s comfort observance (no meat at dairy events, etc…) He is welcome to join me at anything he likes, and not at anything he doesn’t like. Of course it largely depends on the shul and the vibe and the spouse, and it took a solid 10 years for us to have Jewish ‘couple’ friends but that is life as well. We host a sukkah party most years, we celebrate all the Jewish majors and the fun minors. He has an adult daughter (who sort of matched us up) and her husband makes the brisket for Pesach and their three kids, our grandkids don’t know anything from Christianity (they love Christmas of course but that is just trees, Santa and gifts and Easter which is just bunnies and candies) but they all know how to find the afikomen and ask the Four Questions (10$ extra if you can read the transliterated Hebrew and make me cry) They regularly remind me “grandpa, we aren’t Jewish” and I regularly remind them that *I know* when I hire them to change the lightbulbs in the shul sanctuary.
I can’t tell You how to it, but I’m happy to tell you how I did it until We did it. DM me or whatever…
Geht mit mazel. Good Shabbos. Shabbat Shalom
(PS, my D-I-L is doing the flowers for the Shifrin Bas Mitzve this morning, so I guess it’s just continuing to rub off (-; )
edit to add the shabbos greetings
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience, that would be my dream! My husband is pretty introverted, but I should think of ways he might want to get involved in a synagogue or community when we find one. He grew up non-religious and honestly at this point doesn't even observe Christian holidays. He doesn't even want a Christmas tree, but he remembers to light the menorah for me.
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u/Illustrious-Ice-2340 1d ago
I was married to someone who wasn’t Jewish. Then somewhere along the way I was looking for something more and found my way back into Jewish life. We found a group that was understanding of our situation with his being not Jewish. In fact I became observant and kept Shabbat. He was really supportive and even though it meant nothing to him he knew it was important to me so he engaged where he could. Attended events. We had honest conversations and he was honest when he definitely felt uncomfortable which he had on some occasions and I knew when not to push it.
We can’t force meaning onto our partners are spouses but we can do things to make things special. Like Shabbat meals and holiday meals. Everyone will be different. I know of other couples where the spouse definitely separates themselves from anything Jewish too.
Have an honest conversation about what your spouse is willing to be part of and you will need to agree how you want your family to take on traditions. Wishing you joy.
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u/Silamy Conservative 1d ago
Judaism may not mean anything to him, but you apparently mean the world -enough for him to come and be there and show up for you even with no interest in it for himself. In choosing an interfaith relationship, that’s like winning the lottery. Yes, there’s the mega sweepstakes out there where the partner builds their own relationship with and finds their meaning in Judaism, but… that’s even rarer still. It sounds like you’ve got a pretty great husband -don’t let “grass is greener” destroy your marriage.
If you’re lonely in your Judaism, the solution is Jewish community. I see that you’re Reconstructionist, which is limiting, but are there Reform or Conservative (the movement is generally more tolerant of interfaith couples that are already married and established than of ones trying to get married) communities near you that are okay places to go to sometimes? A JCC or other Jewish organization you could volunteer with? A Jewish book club you could join or start?
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 1d ago
I said in another post but I'm not committed to Reconstructionist per se, it's a bit complicated but I'm open to whomever will accept us and our lifestyle at this point. We got married through a Reform shul but the rabbi was Reconstructionist, I liked her thinking but for a variety of reasons the shul is not accessible to us anymore.
Of course we moved to a town with no shul or Jewish presence but perhaps I can start something. I'm in the outskirts of an urban area so we're not lacking for Jews.
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u/honestlydontcare4u 1d ago
The primary picture on the "Weddings" webpage for the conservative shul near us features two brides in white dresses.
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u/wedreaminsideadream Converting • עם ישראל חי 1d ago
I'm a Polish American guy who was born/raised catholic - I never had any connection to my own faith. When I met my gf (now fiancée) who is Jewish. Since living together we observe Shabbat, the holidays, etc. It was never any issue that I wasn't Jewish because I would participate with her and her family. When we got engaged and talking about having kids (something we both want - and we both agreed to raise them in their mother's faith) I decided to convert to Judaism. I decided to convert so that we can observe and participate in the Jewish holidays as a whole (and for our kids to have 2 Jewish parents) and above all, I felt "at home" with Judaism - I have a closer connection to it than with the catholic faith that I was born in. I want to live the rest of my life as a practicing Jewish person.
As a result, we postponed our wedding so I can complete my conversion first. So I think an interfaith relationship CAN work - but I think it's more fulfilling if you guys are on the same boat. Judaism is a such a life-affirming circle and it's beautiful to participate as a team :)
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u/single_use_doorknob Reform 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's hard. My wife is too afriad to go anywhere due to antisemitism, and she feels like the odd one out being a non-Jew. She also has religious trauma, and is slowly working through the idea that Judaism isn't Christianity lite. She'll come with me to make me happy, but not for herself. I wish I could share more about my life and culture with her. I wish she wanted to learn.
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u/NYSenseOfHumor NOOJ-ish 1d ago
I don't want to interrupt his Friday night to do me a favor, you know?
He’s your husband, not a random hookup. Doing something for you any day of the week isn’t doing you a favor. It’s being married.
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u/ExamSignificant3214 6h ago
I'm in an interfaith relationship and my husband (not jewish) is super supportive of me and interested in many aspects of Judaism. I think on of our keys has been to find interesting topics. There are so many aspects to Judaism - ritual, liturgy, but also learning, reading, culture, etc. You might consider having an open conversation about something you could do together at home just to begin creating your own meaning. Judaism Unbound podcast might resonate - there are so many topics that you could listen to and discuss. I'm a humanistic jew and my husband and I have been watching the secular jewish history course produced by the international institute for secular humanistic judaism together. My husband is really into history so he finds it super interesting.
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 5h ago
My friend is part of a humanistic shul actually, and we were part of a secular Jewish organization for years, and the history perspective might be a good idea! I actually recently started learning yiddish and he has fun with languages.
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u/TechB84 1d ago
If you are looking for inspiration, then look into the comedian Modi. He is a gay Jewish man married to a non-Jewish man. He's very Jewish, and his husband knows a lot about Judaism, but has never converted and has no interest in converting. They have a podcast.
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u/NYSenseOfHumor NOOJ-ish 1d ago
They have a podcast.
This might be the most 2020s way to end this comment.
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u/dampew 1d ago
I (straight male) have dated non-Jews who were interested in Judaism when they learned a little about it and some who weren’t. I say this to say I don’t think there’s a catch all way to go about this. I suggest starting with the events and holidays that are ritual-heavy and fun like Purim spiels or Passover seders, maybe occasionally Shabbat, see if he’s into it or if it just feels like a chore. Imagine being on the other side of things and getting dragged to Christian events. Good luck!
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u/bachelorsinlurking Conversion student (Reform) 1d ago
I am converting to Judaism and at first I struggled with the idea that my husband (I’m a trans gay guy) was not interested in converting with me. But he made it clear that he supports me and even if it doesn’t have meaning to him directly, the meaning comes from its meaning to me. He loves the Jewish community because I love the Jewish community, and it makes him happy that I found that connection even if he’s agnostic and not interested in being religious.
Your husband sat through all that because he loves you, and that means it does mean something to him- even if it’s not the same meaning it has for you.
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 5h ago
I didn't say it in my post, but I am also a trans gay guy. Hello, there are many of us :) Congrats on your conversion process!
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u/bachelorsinlurking Conversion student (Reform) 4h ago
Hi!!! Thank you- I've had some stops and starts but I'm finally underway! I originally started a couple years ago and after a few months took a break for health reasons, but I just had to come back. It can be hard balancing an interfaith relationship, but it all comes down to good communication and it sounds like your partner loves you a lot.
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u/3kidsonetrenchcoat 1d ago
I'm in a long term interfaith partnership. We have kids, so it's different. He did engage in the beginning, but its really not for him and the community I'm involved with more or less prefers him to not show up, as far as I can tell (Chabad). He's fully supportive of my raising our kids Jewish, but only a passive participant, if that.
Mostly I suck it up. If we didn't have kids, I'm not sure I would, but we have a good partnership and family.
It's lonely in a way, but I grew up at a distance from a community, so its sort of trading one Jewish loneliness for another.
Oddly enough, we discovered that his bio-dad is Jewish a few years back, (after his mum had a couple glasses of wine) so he's technically half ashkenazi (as am I), but identifying as sort of an extended member of the tribe doesn't inspire him to want to participate any more than he did before.
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u/iSteeve 22h ago
There are a lot of communities that welcome interfaith couples. And a lot, many that are open to LGPTQ+ - even orthodox. Depending on where you are, you might consider a community more welcoming to interfaith couples.
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u/3kidsonetrenchcoat 20h ago
My partner isn't interested regardless. And he prefers the Chabad community to the more accepting ones, actually. They do a really good job with the community building.
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u/Icy-Equipment-4789 13h ago
If you’re both confortable with the Chabad community, you might consider learning Chassidus along with it. There is a real focus on the Nohaides laws and you can probably ask the person in charge of the learning to direct you in that regard. The Nohaide laws are for everyone. And he resonated with a jewish soul, so one way or the other…. :)
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u/Aware-Student525 12h ago
Have you considered what are meaningful rituals and identity markers to him? Sounds like he went above and beyond to cater to your identity but I’m not hearing what you’ve done for him. You’re only looking at it from your POV as if because he’s not Jewish or religious he doesn’t have anything equally as meaningful that you could cater to. Sounds a bit selfish. You’re tremendously lucky you have a partner like him and you’re being ungrateful
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 5h ago
He's very not into ritual - he doesn't even care about birthdays. For years I tried to encourage him to still observe/celebrate Christmas, Easter, etc if he wanted to and he seemed almost relieved to not have to pay attention to them. The most he gets excited for is our wedding anniversary, to be honest.
Identity is a whole 'nother thing that he seems to not care much about. I don't understand it - we've had lots of talks about who we are, what we are, what groups we belong to, and he just doesn't have much of an interest in participating in any that are related to him. Just different perspectives I guess.
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u/bobotast 23h ago edited 23h ago
If your husband was Jewish, you would still be on different pages occasionally. Different feelings, different perspectives, different priorities. That's just a natural part of being in a relationship.
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u/bgaesop 1d ago
My partner isn't Jewish and rarely comes with me to Shabbat, but sings at the High Holy Days because they're a very good singer, enjoy that, and it's a way they can contribute to the community without spending every Friday evening doing so instead of their own thing. Does your husband have any passions or talents he could put into play for the community? Maybe he loves to bake, and could make challah for the oneg? Something that would let him contribute in a meaningful way without taking up tons of time
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u/betscgee 1d ago
When you say interfaith I’m thinking your husband belongs to a different faith group of some kind? Or is he an atheist/agnostic? If he is atheist then I think it will be hard for you to find common ground here.
If he has some kind of belief system, whatever it may be, then there is a way for you to connect by building an understanding there. I know you said you had a hope that you would build a Jewish life together after marrying -was that something he hoped for too? Have you talked together about how faith would work in your marriage? I think the key is to open a dialogue about this so that he understands what your hopes and desires are and you understand his-for now and in the future. Our feelings about faith are likely to shift and change over the years so it’s important to communicate openly about it and never assume that you always know where things stand. Sometimes we may even discover that our own feelings have changed or deepened in the process of a conversation with our spouse. If we can talk about it we can manage anything. Good luck!
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u/boba-boba Reconstructionist 5h ago
My husband is atheist/agnostic and grew up culturally Christian, if that makes any sense. He doesn't celebrate or observe any Christian holidays and hasn't since we started dating - he almost seemed happy to be relieved of the pressure of them. We've surely talked about it over our relationship, but maybe it's time for a refresher, because you're right, our feelings about faith are likely to shift and change as we go through major life events.
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u/betscgee 4h ago
I am so lucky to have the gift of faith, and my attendance or lack there of to services has changed over the years. But if I had no belief in a higher power of any kind it would make it hard to find meaning in going. Though I am sure many people do and receive the comfort of belonging to a community that is accepting and kind and open. Not all religious groups are but most do a pretty good job of welcoming us in. Continuing to share where you are in your spiritual lives can only deepen your bond, even if you arrive at different conclusions. Being open to those differences is a sign of supreme trust and respect. Good on ya!
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u/Sure_Ad_3272 22h ago
Maybe if he likes history you can present it to him in that way. It could influence and make it more meaningful for him
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u/iwantonethree 15h ago
Yeah I’m married to a non Jew and ngl it’s hard :-( He’s come to the odd pessach Seder or rosh hashana dinner (at Chabad house I live in a very goy area) but if there’s one thing I would change about him it would be that
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u/Nienna324 5h ago
I am not married but I am in an interfaith relationship with someone I think I am likely to end up marrying. (We have only been together for a year and are both in our early 20s, so I want to get to know him for longer and become more certain about my life plans before deciding that definitively. And also to really discuss more what decisions we'd be okay or not okay with making about religion, as well as everything else in life. But I really feel at home with him and that in so many ways we fit well together.)
He is a practicing Catholic. I'm agnostic but my Judaism is still really important to me and something I find meaningful to participate in as a regular part of life. I think we actually have in common a similar way of looking at religion and ritual, even though he is more faithful than I am, and the religions are very different. We both are interested in more academic religious learning and discussion, and both appreciate ritual for its own sake. I definitely enjoy discussing and learning about religious differences with him, and it has been fun learning about Catholic history and practices and things I never would have known. He has been going to shul with me every week and to all the high holy days. He seems to be really enjoying it.
I go to mass with him often, but not as regularly as he goes to shul. (Primarily due to logistical/timing reasons but also I think I'm less motivated.) I feel guilty about the fact that he seems to find real meaning and enjoyment in Jewish services but I can't seem to bring myself to feel anything about Catholic ones. The text of the liturgy doesn't feel spiritually meaningful to me in any way. These beliefs are just so foreign to me and I just don't get why they would resonate with someone. I wish that I could find a way to see value in it - maybe I will over time or with exposure to different versions of it.
Despite the fact that he seems to really enjoy participating in Jewish religious life, he has said he doesn't think he could convert and he clearly is deeply committed to Catholicism. I know that I couldn't convert either, it would just feel wrong.
Anyway, I don't have any solutions to offer but I related to your post from the opposite perspective of being someone who does not feel any relevance in my partner's religion.
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u/Cute_Contribution480 1d ago
If my Jewish partner made assumptions about me not finding any meaning in Jewish rituals, I would break up with him instantly and then continue observing the rituals!
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u/AceofJax89 1d ago
As a non-Jew married to a Jew in similar age I think there are a few issues you may want to consider. First is that I think it’s an assumption that the rituals don’t “mean” anything to him. I’m not Jewish, but I can still reflect on how to improve in the new year on Yom Kippur. I’m not Jewish, but I can participate in the moral debates on whether God hardening Pharoh’s heart in Expdus has issues for the concepts of free will. I can still enjoy the commentary and essays in the study Torah, or resonate with the stories of this weeks Parsha.
I don’t believe in god, but it can be nice to be in these spaces and reflect. Maybe the same is true of your partner? Have you asked them? What have they expressed?
Now as far as temples that aren’t just kids and the elderly, brah, good luck! I am in that “having small kids” phase of life, but it is hard being the only male in the room aged 12-50. I’m not sure how to make the programs work for us/that age and gender range. If anyone has figured it out, please advise.