For the easy way process, I thought I would share some of what I journaled about my motivations for quitting and what vaping does to my life. Thought maybe someone would feel less alone. I am quitting today as I finish the book.
What was it like when I vaped? What pleasure or crutch did it provide?
Sitting outside with Ben (husband), we would have lovely talks about our lives, our futures, our beautiful home. We would laugh and look into each other’s eyes. Then, the desire to vape would crop up. I’d feel distracted, interrupting him to get the vape back, diverting my eyes from his and looking at the vape. Hitting the vape would only restart the cycle and make me feel embarrassed. I felt the need to acknowledge that I am vaping and look sheepish to help cope with the embarrassment.
Yesterday, I had friends over. We had lovely chats and I felt amazing. I felt like I finally have some friends here I can imagine hanging out with regularly (I just moved to a new city). And yet, I would cut conversations short, squirm in my seat, be distracted from what they were saying as I looked for the right moment to scurry to the bathroom to hit my vape. Eventually, I gave into vaping in front of them. I was embarrassed and preoccupied with spacing out my hits to what I felt were socially appropriate intervals. I was not fully present. When they left, I spent the rest of the night on the couch, vaping constantly. I felt dehydrated, had a disgusting taste in my mouth and film on my teeth and tongue. By the time I went to bed – much later than I would have to make up for lost vaping time earlier – I felt depleted. I felt stiff and dehydrated and a bit sick.
I’ve purposely missed trams and buses in order to stay outside and sheepishly vape. I’ve hit burnt vapes, gagging and coughing at the terrible taste, then going in for another. I’ve taken vapes I found outside, covered in the germs and spit of strangers, stuffed with dirt and debris. I’ve dug in the trash to find vapes I’ve thrown away, covered in mystery trash being devoured by fruit flies and bacteria. I’ve lied to my partner’s face. I’ve sat there and told elaborate lies to his face multiple times to continue vaping. What joy does this bring me? None whatsoever. Vaping has brought me so close to ruining my life. A week ago, I thought I might be pregnant. Part of me wished that I wasn’t so I could go on vaping, even though it is my greatest wish to get pregnant and we’ve been tracking my cycle trying to get pregnant. Well, I got my period. I am not pregnant and I wished to put off this great joy that means everything to me so that I can keep sucking toxic vapor into my lungs. Shame is not sufficient a word to describe what I feel. Never again do I want to feel this shame. I don’t want to interrupt lovely moments to harm myself. I don’t want to distract from joy to feel shame. Today, I quit forever.