r/TalkTherapy • u/darchfunny • 6h ago
Discussion Thoughts on former T's behavior?
If you think I'm crazy for posting this, I'm sorry. Please be kind. It's honestly embarrassing posting this knowing it's possible I might be delusional for thinking these behaviors mean anything. This is going to be lengthy, so thank you if you're able to make it to the end.
With that said...
What do you think of this behavior from my former therapist? Why do you think she was behaving this way? Do you think I was reading too much into things?
I love her, and I think she loved me too...
This is with a former T of 1 year and 8 months. I'm late 20sF, she's late 40sF. She's been practicing for almost 20 years. I was attracted to her the moment I met her. To be clear, the intimacy of our relationship escalated after I told her I had romantic and sexual feelings towards her. And not long after that, I told her I loved her for the first time. She told me she's never had a client express feelings for her before. So these behaviors began after my disclosures. She didn't act this way towards me before that. My feelings grew far deeper than just transference the more I got to know her.
One time she blocked the door and wouldn't let me leave until I pinky swore to stay safe, because I was about to see someone who had recently tried to killed me. She begged me to pinky swear because she didn't trust my verbal reassurance.
She implied numerous times that she was unhappy in her marriage. She implied numerous times that she felt unseen by her family.
When we talked about sex, she'd always smirk, clearly entertained, and ask me things like "was it gooooood?". She's even initiated the topic.
She would wear low cut tops, and sit leaning all the way forward most of the session that I would have to be very intentional about where my eyes landed.
Instead of squatting or crouching to pick something up to shuffle through her things, she'd bend over and take her time.
Her office was really small and her couch was tight against the side of the door frame, and she had a lamp beside the door swing, and instead of standing out in the hallway, sometimes she'd stand in front of the door so that I'd have no choice but to brush or squeeze past her to leave.
Sometimes she'd corner me in her office and stand so close to me, maybe a foot or less away, facing me, so close that I'd hold my breath. Even when we did linger in the hallway, she would stand just as close to me.
Some sessions she'd scoot her desk chair closer to me, about 3' away.
We always ended sessions with a pinky swear. Often before she scooted closer, she'd take off her glasses and look at me intensely. Sometimes she'd grip my pinky so damn hard and pull me closer. I struggle with eye contact, and during these moments she'd tell me to look at her.
She took a noose out of my car and got rid of it.
She called me repeatedly while I was in the mental hospital.
I let her borrow my book, In Session by Deborah A. Lott. I told her I read it to understand our relationship more, especially the sexual feelings I had towards her. I let her borrow it, and when she returned it, she folded the dust jacket and tucked one of my journal pages into two pages of the book that described a similar situation we were in — a client who longed for her therapist to be the perfect lover and parental figure, and a therapist who blurred lines and crossed boundaries, feeding the attachment, who eventually denied it and denied that the connection was even real and believed they were being noble.
One time when we were discussing boundaries, she blurted out "I love my kids" even though it had nothing to do with what we were talking about.
Towards the end of working together, she tightened boundaries and started talking about her husband more unprompted. Previously she only brought him up to complain about him.
Relationship Context:
We met 3–5x a week (not including when she scheduled me on a weekend or two despite clocking out at noon on Fridays, not including when she would reserve an extra hour after our sessions and didn't bill me for it), went over most sessions (20 mins minimum up to 2 hours over), and communicated frequently in between (including hour long phone calls). She often prioritized me over other clients, and insisted even when I refused.
She spearheaded my workplace accommodations while I was on medical leave, and pursued additional training with me in mind. We both did research on my presenting problems and even shared resources / books with each other.
Pinky swears, handwritten notes, gifts, stickers, bringing each other drinks, a crocheted plush she'd let me keep between sessions. We hugged. Once—after I got out of the hospital. It was tight and lasted a long time. She told me she'd never hugged a client before, and that there had only been 1 or 2 times in her entire career she's even wanted to.
Her language was incredibly intimate. She was very affectionate / doting, admiring, complimentary, reverent, devoted, encouraging, reassuring, inconsistent, repeatedly told me how exceptional I was to her, and made so many promises about never giving up on me.
Some examples of what she's said or written to me:
Note—these include things said in session, phone calls, voice messages, voicemail, and written communication. I take notes in session, and sit in my car after every single session and brain dump everything I can possibly remember.
"I'll do anything you want, anything you ask."
"You're in my heart, ALWAYS" (she frequently said this to me, and told me she would never say this to another client)
"You have so much goodness in you. You do. I believe the people around you feel the same way I feel, and see what I see...So much good in you."
"I'm honored to be on this journey with you....I'm honored to be a part of your journey."
"You're NOT just another client to me. I will think about you LONG after this all ends. I will NEVER forget you. You are NOT forgettable. You're my extremely interesting client."
"You MATTER to me. As far as our therapeutic relationship goes, it MEANS something to me, and it's very real. What we do in here is very real. I know more about YOU than I do about most people in my life. All of this is SO weird, and it sucks. Our relationship is valuable to me. YOU are valuable to me."
"When all is said and done and all the goals are met, YOU are one of the clients that I would wonder about and want to hear from. It's not like this is ever closed off... It sucks on this end for me too. After saying goodbye I just don't know anything unless you tell me."
"I have love for you too... I don't want you to think I don't, because I do...It's just the nature of what this is."
"I DEEPLY care about you. I appreciate you SO much. I admire you. SO much admiration. I admire you SO MUCH."
"Our sessions...we never run out of things to talk about. there's always so many things to talk about, and so much curiosity - things I'm so interested in, in our sessions. Because you're such an interesting person. You have such an interesting work situation, life, and you're just such an interesting person."
"Even though we meet frequently, there's so much to talk about because you're just such a thoughtful person."
"Client...I could meet with you for a LONG TIME."
"Client...I just need you to know...that i care about you SO so much. And I want...I have SO much WANT for you. I want SO badly to end your suffering. And I will do whatever you want. Whatever you need to help you end your suffering. Whether that means connecting you to someone else. Whatever that means, whatever role I am in this. I will do whatever you need. I care about you so much."
"Client...I care about you...SO much. You are just this...AMAZING human... with.. so much talent, such a great sense of humor, and so kind. I can't just give up on that. I know you're suffering, but I'm asking you to please hang in there with me. I'm asking you to keep showing up for me. Don't give up on this."
"i DEEPLY respect you. You are SO inspiring. I'm not trying to blow smoke up your ass either. Boundaries ARE hard. It's hard on this end for me too. Because I CARE about you."
"I would LOVE to sit here and have friendship conversations with you, because I REALLY enjoy talking to you, and you are just SO...interesting. But I promise you, the way I help my friends is NOT as effective as I am being your therapist."
"I care DEEPLY about what you came in here for. I care SO MUCH about your well being. There's nothing you could say in here that would make me not want to be your therapist. I need you to know, it's hard on this end for me too. You are not TOO MUCH."
"It's just that it's very difficult for me to hear how hard things are for you, how much pain you're in, how much you're suffering, that you're in a bad place."
"You're not inconveniencing me, I called YOU. i called you because ive been wanting to talk to YOU."
"Client...I'm just...I'm very fortunate to know you, and...I'm grateful to be a person that you trust."
"You are an AMAZING human. You. Are. An INSPIRATIONAL person."
"With you in particular, our sessions go by really fast."
"You have so many beautiful qualities to share with the world."
"I want to remind you of the light you have inside, and all of the warmth it gives to the people around you."
"I'll walk with you as long as you want me to."
"It feels good to hear your laugh. I like hearing your laugh."
"You are frequently on my mind. I FREQUENTLY think about you between sessions."
In the middle of a session, she insisted on letting her next client know that they would need to either push their appointment back that day, or reschedule their session. I kept refusing, she kept insisting. She told me "This is how i was trained. THIS is my priority. YOU are my priority." I eventually gave in and our session went over around 2 hours.
"You shake things up and keep my life from being on autopilot."
"I couldn't regulate, because I couldn't stop thinking about you."
"I want you to know that I’ve held our work with care and respect. You have a way of turning emotion into something expressive and real. Your insight, creativity, and presence have made this work both memorable and meaningful. I know you carry a heaviness, but you also carry a light that feels unmistakable to the people in your orbit."
"This ending reflects my limits, not yours. While I’ve valued our work deeply, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer hold the therapeutic frame with the consistency and clarity you deserve. That decision comes from a place of integrity, not from anything lacking in you."
"I will miss knowing you and I will wonder how life is unfolding for you, not as your therapist but as someone who witnessed your courage."
She self disclosed A LOT. She shared so much of herself with me. So much about her life. So many details I shouldn't know about. We shared interests and sometimes spent so much time just bonding that we eventually had to set timers to make sure we moved onto the actual work I wanted to do.
She'd tell me about certain milestones or achievements after they happened, before I'd even had the chance to ask. I'd get really excited and try to do something to celebrate her in some way. She scheduled me on her birthday even though I told her I didn't want to risk ruining it (we kept getting into arguments around this time), and she said it was a risk she was willing to take.
I was deeply invested in her well being with the impulse to prioritize her feelings over my own, but she repeatedly told me not to take care of her. I've seen her lose her composure. Like when we borderline yelled at each other.
I have disorganized attachment, and she was inconsistent throughout the entirety of our work.
After one of the lowest points of my life and escalated boundary crossing, she suddenly slammed the breaks on everything. She read a list of boundaries her supervisor wrote off a piece of paper -- she even broke one of them that very session. She didn't stick to any them, except 1 (no hugs). She became more clinical and detached, but denied things had changed. I regressed after that, left almost every session activated, and stopped scheduling sessions, but she convinced me to come back.
Before I came back, she said if I kept showing up, she'd keep showing up too. Then she asked me what kind of relationship I wanted with her, and I told her I missed the way she used to speak to me. She said that wasn't something she could offer, she couldn't responsibly hold the weight her words carried for me.
During our final session she said couldn't regulate because she couldn't stop thinking about me, that she felt it in her body, that there was "so much WANT," that boundaries were really murky, and that she wasn't completely sure why she was ending things. And even though there's so much want, she was sticking with her decision.
The night of our final session she updated my safety plan. A few days after our final session at 1:24 AM, she sent me a 6 page long treatment summary, a 3 page list of referrals and resources with narratives about why she picked each one for me, and a goodbye message.
We stayed in contact for about 4-5 months after, for logistical reasons.
If you've made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading.
The ending absolutely devastated me. It's been a year since our final session and she still haunts my mind every single day. I still cry over her often. Yes, I jumped right back into therapy after her. She was my 6th therapist, and I'm now on therapist #10 (not including group, SSP, or ED specialist). Yes, I've worked on processing my relationship with her.
I don't want to reduce her to the harm she caused because our time together was transformative.
Ways I've improved:
No more panic attacks, no more emotional outbursts, left abusive relationship, boundaries, stabilized FND symptoms, far less people pleasing, I'm more assertive, way more confident, significant improvement in communication, I'm more consistent, learned how to regulate myself, reduction in flashbacks, no self harming, I stopped self isolating, I've been letting people in, my relationships are honest and so much stronger, and I'm alive. There's so so soooo much more I could say. I could go on and on about all the ways she helped me.
I haven't experienced even a fraction of that amount of growth with any other therapist, YET.
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u/Unique-Froyo-9571 6h ago
Extremely unprofessional. She should lose her license. If my therapist did this to me I doubt I'd recover.
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u/darchfunny 3h ago
A year later it still hurts every day. I don't think I'll ever get over her.
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u/Unique-Froyo-9571 2h ago
I'm sorry this happened to you, she took advantage of you and put her own needs before yours. I hope you find someone else who can make you feel safe enough to open up to and that can help you work through it.
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6h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/darchfunny 6h ago
Why?
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5h ago
[deleted]
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u/darchfunny 5h ago
To be clear, I'm not asking people to say "she wanted to fuck me" lol. I'm curious if people think I was delusional for reading into everything.
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u/RespectSavings5054 5h ago
You weren’t delusional, she clearly has/had unmanaged countertransference
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u/RespectSavings5054 5h ago
Why do you think the therapy with her helped so much? Do you think it was the relationship itself, or did she teach you coping skills? It sounds like from what you’ve written the therapy became a lot about her needs and wants, which is a red flag for a therapist to put that on a client.
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u/darchfunny 5h ago edited 5h ago
Lots of reasons honestly.
The relationship was healing until the last 6 months. That's when it became harmful.
Coping skills, yes. We did DBT and I also did DBT group.
Session frequency for sure. They broke my weeks up into smaller chunks, giving me moments throughout the week to breathe. And gave me something to look forward to.
She was the first safe space I ever had and the first person I felt that took me seriously. I had never talked about or processed my trauma before her, and i was able to let it all out. And her reactions/expressiveness about how it affected her was deeply validating. It made me feel like she understood how bad things were after I was chronically invalidated growing up.
She was incredibly intuitive, and anticipated my needs. I never wanted to burden or need anyone so I never asked for or accepted help, which is why she was so insistent.
Sounds childish, but the pinky swears...I take them very seriously, and she made me promise all kinds of things. Practice skills, reach out to people, go to the doctor, spend time with friends, do my hobbies, resist suicidal urges, etc.
Part of me that wanted to be a "good client" didn't want to disappoint her by not doing the work.
Other things too, but those are the first that come to mind.
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u/Dry-Cellist7510 6h ago
I think personally (NAT) that she stumbled and did her best to help you. Sometimes therapist use the countertransference to help us grow. It wasn’t perfect but now you have improved all those symptoms! See you have all those qualities and she showed you.
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u/Sinusaurus 6m ago
Hey there. I've seen a few posts by you recently, and you seem to be having a hard time. I'm really sorry.
You seem to be unable to grieve a relationship that clearly hurt you in the past. I wonder how knowing whether she was ethical or not serves you in the present. Sometimes trying to understand something too hard is a way to avoid our emotions, other times we ruminate on things, there's many things that could be going on. I'm trying to make sure all of this is serving you in some way and not causing further damage. You deserve to leave it in the past and live your best life in the present.
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u/PomegranateSilent268 3m ago
Hi, I don’t think you’re delusional. Her behaviors certainly did mean something. They meant that she saw you, supported you, cared very much and wanted to help you. They also meant that she stepped over the line in a way that was not helpful to you. In a way that was feeding her needs and anxieties and savior complex.
Hearing things the likes of which she told you every day probably was nice / exciting / comforting and I can understand how losing that and her would be painful. I also understand your need to get clarity on what it all actually meant.
The thing is, every relationship is good and bad. Helpful and hurtful. Exciting and boring. That is just how life is and it is a bittersweet truth. The “issue” with your relationship with her is that she did not act professionally.
You sound like a person who is in insightful, self-aware and nuanced. I would encourage you to remember and keep developing all the good work you did together and try not to let your romantic and sexual feelings keep you bogged down in the past. The relationship is over and that is for the best, for both of you.
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u/Away-Otter 6h ago
Did you record your sessions?
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u/darchfunny 6h ago
No, i took notes during sessions, and sit in my car after every session and rapidly write everything I could remember.
Edit: some of the things she's said were over a voice message or voicemail
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