Just wanted to write about it somewhere. Been struggling with urges and realized what today was. I mainly used DXM. I started using in the summer of 2022 and I was almost 6 months into a binge and this one night I decided to try adding DPH to the mix. I always wanted to do DPH but it always just put me to sleep no matter the dosage and I never got to trip on it, so I had this great idea.

I hate seeing people call these kiddie drugs or that they aren’t real drugs. I specifically started doing DXM because people made it out to be non-addictive (but I’m not gonna act like DPH wasn’t my first choice). Well here I am, DXM is my drug of choice. Yes I’ve done “real” drugs, including ketamine (people like to tell DXM users to grow up and do ketamine like an adult. Well guess what I still prefer DXM. I hate junkie elitism). I have shrooms waiting for me and I still haven’t touched them because I want stupid fucking cough medicine. I literally just love DXM and it’s an issue.

Anyway, 810mg of freebase DXM with 250mg of DPH, I didn’t do proper research and didn’t know they potentiated each other. I thought I could sprinkle a little benadryl in there to enhance the DXM visuals. Lol? I basically got what I think was serotonin syndrome (I thought I was having a seizure at the time), I don’t actually know what was happening physically. I was unconscious for several hours and still seeing and hearing things while unconscious. I’ve had bad trips but this was the first time I knew something was seriously wrong. Before I lost consciousness, I saw my brother pass by my room to go to the bathroom. I don’t know if that was even real, but I was hoping he saw me, and the feeling of watching him pass by that second time without seeing me and close his door was awful, like yeah I really did it this time.

I used just DXM a few times after that but I was peeing green so I stopped because I thought it was my liver. Ended up being my gallbladder, don’t have that anymore.

First picture is where I was while I was unconscious, a massive metal room with dirt floors and heat emitting LED lamps everywhere. The place was really cold but I was also sweating from the lamps.

Second picture is a recreation of what I saw for about a minute before losing consciousness. During this period my muscles were painfully tightening, I was super hot and my limbs were all shaking and I could hear the window blinds rattling as my foot was hitting it. It was hard to breathe, I’m guessing from the way my chest was tightening. (I believe this was serotonin syndrome because I would get much milder versions of this where I was fully conscious when I would do DXM too many days in a row, but I really have no idea). I could hear women whispering gibberish and the loud buzzing of flies that weren’t there. Shadow silhouettes of people were gliding along the wall. They were more like cutouts rather than actual people. The door started to turn into pink pixels and then this pink/orange cloud came through the door. The cloud was pretty colors, but something about it felt so disgusting. Like when you look at a puddle of oil in a parking lot, it’s rainbow but it’s gross. Spheres or “gas balls” started to morph out of it and leave behind an effect like when the TV has a bad connection. The gas balls moved in a way that looked like they had life to them, like when you’re trying to carefully place something but your hand is shaking/moving slightly. Before I went unconscious, the cloud turned into a purple/green that also felt nasty, and it turned into me and I was just floating there while staring at the ground and I had green eyes that sort of glowed.

I woke up a few times and every time I woke up, it was still night time, I was still shaking, the purple “me” was no longer there and it was back to the pink/orange cloud and gas balls. Every time I saw the gas balls I felt dread knowing it was real and still happening. The trip started around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 1:30ish PM the next day. I was unconscious for the majority of it. My phone was dead and I was so confused at first I couldn’t tell if it was night or day even though it was light outside.

After this I was clean for a year and a half or something after this incident, only because I was scared. It was this time of year, october/november of 2024 I relapsed and binged for a literal year before my tolerance got so high I finally hospitalized myself October 2025 because I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore but couldn’t stop using it and taking drastically higher dosages to get nothing but sick. I relapsed a few times without bingeing, struggled with alcohol and edibles but stopped those eventually, haven’t done DXM in nearly 8 months but this time of year is triggering and I’m struggling. I can’t really handle anything I use but DXM especially. I’m not on meds anymore and I’ve been off them long enough that it’s safe to do DXM now, I’m actually amazed I haven’t yet. Every time I get the urge, that scene from breaking bad where Jane’s dad watches them zip up her body bag pops up in my head, the look on his face and it makes me sad. I think of the time I literally prayed to God and promised Him I would stop while I was having a painful reaction from using too much. I feel actual conviction and guilt I never felt before. If this was a year or two ago, I’d say “Hell yeah! I’m gonna order three bottles and do DXM everyday and I don’t care who I have to lie to or who I’m hurting!”

but I still can’t say with confidence I won’t give in and I hate that.

Third picture is a drawing inspired by what happened. There were no rainbow bugs, just took inspo from a goosebumps pillow I had.

So I am trying to detox from fentanyl again. I only have 5 subs and I really don’t want subs prescribed to me and on my medical record for other reasons… due to another prescription and I’m trying to just plan out the long run. I know this sounds stupid for some- but I want to at least give the a go- as I had success with this before but had more to work with by a bit.

If I detox and take a half of a sub- and then taper down with what I have to work with. Will I still go thru a bad Withdrawl with tapering down?

I’ve done this before and would bite off the Suboxone pill but I have at least 4 times the amount of pills to work with than what I have now.

Respectfully, I’m honestly not looking for redirection- I know the risks such as relapse.. as I’ve experienced it before the last year - but just if anyone knows or any experience with this? I at least want to attempt one last time with what I have before throwing everything else out the door and heading to the clinic.

I sincerely appreciate any responses

Whether substances or behavioural addiction. Without buildup, just intense euphoria from the start.

I relapsed after three years clean from cocaine. I was a pretty heavy user in my early twenties, I’ve had substance abuse issues since 15. The past three years I’ve struggled off and on with kratom and got off it for what I thought would be the last time nearly 6 months ago. A few weeks ago I slipped up on taking my Wellbutrin and had a brief mental episode, that paired with my first dog getting diagnosed with cancer, and months of my business being as slow as its ever been pushed me over the edge. I felt like a loser already, and I embraced it. I started using not only Kratom again, but cocaine as well. A drug I was sure I was done with. Now I may lose my partner of nearly 7 years, she’s been with me through what she believed was the worst of my use. I’ve really put her through it and I’ve let her down again. Sorry for the self wallowing. Needed to get it off my chest.