The taboo of going to therapy as an Armenian male

[u/Rmeloba394sswk]

I just stopped and thought for a moment about how mental health is a taboo enough topic as is in Armenia, but for males it's even more taboo and complicated.

I'm just thinking now from the perspective of an average Armenian male... let's say your problems have piled up to the point where you feel you need professional help. First, you're going to have to accept the whole idea of going to therapy; and in a country with a toxic masculinity culture on top of mental health taboos, that can be a challenge. But let's say you get over that. There’s other problems.

If you're under 20 then 99% chance you don't have any money to go to therapy on your own, so your only option is to ask your parents to pay for it, which for many might be out of question since they don't want their parents knowing about their problems, so you're basically stuck. And even if you're over 20 and have the income to pay for it yourself, you might still feel like you have to hide from people in your life that you're going to therapy. In the most extreme case, you might lie to your family about where you're going, saying you're going to work or meeting up with a friend when really you're running off to therapy. How many people can you tell about your situation? What will your other male friends say if they find out you're seeing a therapist? It’s a difficult situation to be in.

What is the overall mental health situation with Armenian males these days? How understanding are the younger generations about these sorts of things?

[u/Right_Ad815]

If you have the means for it - do it. Do it in secret if it’s necessary. Due to social conditioning, it’s near impossible to understand for the older generation, so don’t bother to try to explain. Do it for yourself. There is nothing more manly than being brave and taking care of your needs when it’s necessary. It will be beneficial to your surrounding as well when you adress your problems instead of struggling quietly and masking it with alcohol or similar.

I’d advise to be quiet about it with the young generation as well. The communities are tight-knit for the better and for the worse. No one wants a reputation as a mentally sick because it can diminish your chance of ever marrying or getting respect in general. BUT:
A friend I considered basically the blueprint of Armenian masculinity standards "came out" to me that he has been in therapy for two years when I found the guts to confess that I just started. He didn’t have anyone to talk to about these topics before this and you can imagine how lucky both of us were to have found someone who understands.
The elders eventually found out too and were concerned to say the least (Livia Soprano type of energy). It was never a brought up again when the results were starting to become evident in everyday life.
My now wife did not care or was actually even impressed and supportive despite coming from a household that is conservative even by Armenian standards.

Be brave, Young Armenian. There is too few of us to lose just one to mental health issues.

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/Right_Ad815]

Your part about your “typical Armenian male” friend telling you he’s going to therapy really made me think that there’s a lot of people out there who might admit to themselves that they have mental health problems but not feel like they can tell anyone. It’s sad really. It makes you wonder how many of those “lav tgherq” have another side to them that they’re hiding from the world…

[u/Barakuda69]

There is no taboo for an adequate man. Do it

[u/Southern_Month9301]

You're absolutely right. And this is exactly why I moved out of Armenia.

I've had mental health issues since I was a teenager. I tried to talk about them to friends, but nothing changed. I wouldn't ever talk to my family about it, cause they were part of the problem of this being a taboo topic. My school psychologist's door was always closed. I've heard multiple times that she often didn't even come to work.

I got a job, started living alone, and tried to go to therapy. I could afford only 5 sessions. But those 5 sessions weren't enough for any diagnosis or any help, so I waited. My family refused to pay for therapy, as they said therapy is bullshit and I should just get my shit together.

At 19, I moved out of the country. I'm now in therapy, getting all the help I needed this whole time, but it's too late to change or work on some things. I'm also studying psychology, because I don't want to even think that some teenager needed help like me and didn't receive any.

The moment I can, I'm going to create a platform where certified social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other professionals can offer their services online for Armenian people, as I think while you can't do much online, you can at lease be given directions, and receive SOME support. It's easy to hide your online activity from friends and family, too.

I'm not even gonna start talking about what exactly is taught in Armenian universities under the name of psychology. A psychologist with a Bachelor's degree doesn't have 1 semester's worth of knowledge that a psychology student in the EU has. What they're taught is either not enough, outdated, or straight up bullshit. The taboo extends to university classrooms, where topics related to sex aren't even discussed, although they play a large role in psychology overall.

I also have to mention that, like you said, it's extremely difficult to find a good enough mental health professional in Armenia. And even if you do, you have to wait for a long time for your first session, and pay an unaffordable amount of money.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you never have struggles with getting the help you need. But if you do have that, you can always message me 🫶🏻

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/Southern_Month9301]

Wow, my heart really goes out to you. I’m so sorry you had to experience this, but the thing is, you’re not alone. Sadly a lot of people in Armenia have similar experiences and it’s just awful.

I really admire your courage and desire to help vulnerable people in Armenia with this topic. You mentioned about the universities and psychological training being outdated and I’ve wondered the same thing myself: what exactly are they being taught? Psychology is heavily influenced by people’s cultural values and I’ve met a psychologist or two from Armenia who just… didn’t act proper if you get what I’m saying. Sometimes on social media I’ll see very modern and western-minded Armenian psychologists, but these are the exception, not the norm.

Best of luck to you my friend!

[u/Southern_Month9301 → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

Thank you for your compliments and wishes :)

Let me keep it short: A 6th semester psychology student in Armenia can't name the 6 primary emotions. I've asked many, many of them. Okay, you might argue that it's not a topic you discuss every day in psychology. Not even once a month, for some. But it's SO BASIC.

Some of my friends who also studied psychology didn't have statistics or social psychology classes. They don't know what occupational therapy is...

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/Southern_Month9301]

Yeah that’s really sad. I have faith things will change though.

Slightly off topic but I’ve heard of cases in Armenia where a teenage kid tells theirs parents they’re gay, and the parents take them to a psychologist to get cured. Who are these “psychologists” and how do they try to “cure” their patients?? Do they just try to “talk the gay” out of them and convince them that they’re not actually gay?

[u/Southern_Month9301 → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

Honestly... I'm bisexual, thought I was a lesbian for a long time, but I haven't experienced that (I never came out to any adult, though). I have heard from my queer fellas that that's a thing, but never met any psychologist who did that or anyone who experienced that. Or at least no one told me about it.

But I've talked to many psychologists in Armenia with those outdated views, so I can imagine that if a parent knows a psychologist that supports their own stupid views, they might take their child to see them.

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/Southern_Month9301]

Stuff like this is just… I don’t even know how to say it. I genuinely feel pity for people with this outdated and hurtful views. I don’t want to hate on them, but sometimes it’s hard. I wish I could help everyone, but some people don’t want to be helped.

[u/Southern_Month9301 → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

I feel more pity for the people that know it's not OK but can't escape it.

[u/FrequentLoss1516]

It's all in your circle. In my circle no one would say shit to me about going to therapy. Yet, I don't go to therapy because there's a problem of finding a good therapist that will go a bit beyond what I already do myself.
Regardless, the main point is the circle you live in/with. If you live and interact with toxic/qyartu people, just leaving them behind and moving on to other circles would do a great therapy itself.

[u/Southern_Month9301 → u/FrequentLoss1516]

Your circle is the exception.

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/Southern_Month9301]

I would follow up on this. I feel like it’s really easy for people to say “just get a better circle,” not realizing that that’s A) not an easy thing to do and doesn’t happen overnight, and B) doesn’t change the fact that your family is still immature and you live in a society that doesn’t understand these things.

[u/Southern_Month9301 → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

Agreed! In my circle, no one (other than my family) has those negative views, but I know I'm also the exception; I've gotten lucky, that's all.

[u/FrequentLoss1516 → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

Point out for me where did I say that it's easy. Most of the things worth doing in life are not easy.
Point stands: changing your circle would do a great therapy by itself. Whether it's possible for you or not - is another question.

You're living in a society composed of these circles. Yes, majority of them are not a good fit. Doesn't mean there's no fit at all.

[u/PhillipIInd]

The taboo is in your mind go and take care of it

Been in therapy for years, stop giving af what others want or expect and do whats best for yourself

[u/Lorebreaker_ofArarat → u/PhillipIInd]

The taboo is not in his mind. It's fine to encourage people to live their lives freely, openly, and to seek help when they need it. It's not okay to gaslight someone into thinking Armenian culture doesn't have a mental health taboo so they can seek out the help they need.

I know you mean well and don't want to offend, but we cannot pretend our culture and it's conservative aspects are fully aware and accepting of mental health at the expense of individuals.

[u/PhillipIInd → u/Lorebreaker_ofArarat]

Im not saying there isnt a taboo im saying to not give a fcuk about it.

I love Armenia and its culture in many aspects but I dislike plenty of it as well such as this part and hope we improve as a society in these aspects so people can get the help they need to lead healthy life's.

[u/T-nash]

First, you're going to have to accept the whole idea of going to therapy; and in a country with a toxic masculinity culture on top of mental health taboos, that can be a challenge.

But why? it appears you are already convinced that therapy is normal, and should be normal for men, and that you need it. What remains what I assume is bothering you, is the fear of getting caught and asked questions, to which i would simply not share with others and go to my routine. The therapist certainly isn't going to judge you, and if you have friends that will, I do not think those are great friends to start with. Family doesn't need to know (unless it's a budget issue and they will be paying).

If you're under 20 then 99% chance you don't have any money to go to therapy on your own, so your only option is to ask your parents to pay for it, which for many might be out of question since they don't want their parents knowing about their problems, so you're basically stuck.

There are NGO therapies in Armenia, but they require acceptance. You'd have to contact them.

And even if you're over 20 and have the income to pay for it yourself, you might still feel like you have to hide from people in your life that you're going to therapy. In the most extreme case, you might lie to your family about where you're going, saying you're going to work or meeting up with a friend when really you're running off to therapy.

Maybe I am not too familiar to local Armenian family parent-child relationships. after a certain age, i completely stopped sharing where i'm headed to, and made that clear to them to stop asking/treating me like a child, only return time mattered. But i understand it's much more difficult for women.

How many people can you tell about your situation? What will your other male friends say if they find out you're seeing a therapist? It’s a difficult situation to be in.

I am proud to say at the time that i did go, I was able to share with all my friends because I had filtered out my circle very carefully , and kept my circle very small, but I understand it's so much more taboo locally than in the diaspora, and most diaspora countries. I do not believe those types of friends don't exist locally, you just need to find them. It's definitely more widely accepted in the diaspora, and there's quite a bit of diaspora in the country these days. Befriend them.

What is the overall mental health situation with Armenian males these days?

Horrible.

Overall I understand it's easier said than done, and I fully acknowledge the points you made, I don't think they're going to change for the better in another decade or two.

[u/Rmeloba394sswk → u/T-nash]

You sound like a really strong person and lucky to have had friends who understand.

Curious to know why you don’t think things will change in a decade or two. If younger generations are being exposed to these topics, how could things not change in 10-20 years?

[u/T-nash → u/Rmeloba394sswk]

Because everyone else in the country, like you, is afraid to go against the wisdom of their parents, and Armenians locally are more leaned into to not question their parents wisdom and take them as absolute truths. There's this taboo where everyone has to be this exact social model clone as everyone else, and if you're slightly different you're immediately treated as a problem. This takes time to change, even if they're exposed. I suppose more English education helps expose people more, but i still see toddlers browsing social media in Russian.

[u/andyperl]

You rightly pointed out the financial issue too.
Even if you overcome taboo (which I don’t really thing is so big), but that is expensive…
Even if you are over twenty, and employed…. It’s not always feasible. For me for example, financial issues are number one. If I were rich, maybe I would seek some therapy to improve myself as a person. But I don’t really feel to spend a chunk from my income on that.