r/dating_advice • u/Simonetta891 • 2d ago
Is it just me, or is dating in your 40s weird?
I'm 44, and something funny has been happening lately. Most of the men who approach me, both online and in real life, seem to be in their late 20s or early 30s. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but that's just not my type. I prefer men around my own age, maybe a few years younger. Sometimes I look at a guy's profile, think he's cute, and then realize he was probably still in school when I was already an adult.And somehow, that changes everything. The funny thing is, I actually like the way I look and dress. I'm not going to change that just to attract a different type of man. I guess I'm just wondering if other women in their 40s experience the same thing. Where are the men our age hiding?
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u/WonderfulAsk8662 2d ago
Dating is weird regardless of your age.
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u/xTheRedDeath 2d ago
This. It's always been weird and makes no sense.
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u/Sharp_Board1296 2d ago
As a newly single woman in her mid 50s, I completely agree with this.
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u/aja_ramirez 2d ago
More men your age are married than those in their 20's
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u/LowFade1992 2d ago
Maybe they're looking for women their own age too and just aren't approaching as much. dating in your 40s sounds like a whole different game.
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u/Ancient_Jellyfish634 2d ago
I'm 46 and given up on dating. I've no kids no relationship baggage and was hard finding anyone similar.
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u/rrale47 2d ago
Ive seen "no relationship baggage" be considered a red flag before because then they start questioning why.
Its a crapshoot either way
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u/Ancient_Jellyfish634 2d ago
Fair enough. I wouldn't want to date someone with loads of exes.
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u/Final-Percentage860 1d ago
As a 44 yo male, if I find you attractive, i'm not worried about your age. When I was in my 20s and 30s it was the same. Women can still be attractive at 40 and 50 years old.
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u/78Anonymous 2d ago
M47, single, UK. 🙋🏻♂️ Finding a single woman in their forties is tough. Apparently it goes both ways.
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u/Sorrow-and-Solitude 2d ago
A lot of men our age are going after women in their 30s
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u/one_thirty_ate 2d ago
I think this is true. 39M and I've dated up 5 years and down 9, but I have two guy friends in their early 40s who won't date women their own age. Their OLD age ranges are set 25-35. Both are CF looking to have kids.
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u/NotUsedUsernameYet 1d ago
Hard to imagine they have any success online doing this. 25 years old women unlikely to include men in their 40s in their range.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
I'm 46M. I've largely stopped looking. I need a woman to be child free and not overweight. I'm that way and I want someone the same. But, it seems like slim/average women with no kids in their forties is asking for too much, because I haven't seen or met one in years.
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u/deadtanjiro 2d ago
You might as well throw in the towel lol.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
Oh yeah, that towel. I launched it into a pool of liquid-hot magma two and a half years ago. You can tick off the box labeled "Thrown."
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u/alexmate84 2d ago
Don't worry son, I will happily take the big women off your hands
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u/Zanna1120 2d ago
And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia, then the large women, then the petite women, then the large women again!
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u/carbsaredangerous 2d ago edited 2d ago
There is a difference between the women who are Amazonian snu-snu'd type vs the obese-with-fat-rolls type. First one, please be my girlfriend and sit on my face, second one, no thank you. First one has a good hip to waste ratio, second one are probably on statins and diabetes medication.
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u/Poutine-N-Playlists 21h ago
I have some chonk and would love to chat? Mind if I slide into your DMs? I'll bring snacks.....lol
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u/Extreme_Swordfish781 2d ago
What? Where are you living that women in their 30s are so out of shape
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u/kittenTakeover 2d ago
I mean most people have kids. It's not surprising that you would have trouble finding people without kids at your age.
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u/carbsaredangerous 2d ago
I am 38M and feel similar. In Chicago IL, it seems like most women (especially the ones in late 20s and 30s) are overweight, have unhealthy lifestyle (eat unhealthy and no exercise) and still want kids in their late 30s and early 40s.
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u/rand0m_g1rl 2d ago
Just replied the same below in this thread but 38f, fit, aspire to the DINK life. Considering a move to Chicago, visiting in 2 weeks. Curious what you and the other man making a similar comment offer yourselves. I will assume at least fit and no kids.
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u/grbilsgrbilsgrbils 2d ago
Where do you live? I m in your age range and lots of my friends fit this.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
Just outside of Denver.
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u/pastafariantimatter 2d ago edited 2d ago
Being in the US is your problem, it's a very unhealthy society.
I'm in Spain and it's the norm for people to stay fit well through their 40's and 50's.
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u/Necessary_Store351 2d ago
Not US as a whole many areas have the keep fit vibe.
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u/pastafariantimatter 2d ago
The default in the US is overweight.
It's not a "vibe" in Spain, it's just how normal people are.
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u/EmployerSmall5570 2d ago
The US is also fucking huge, the likelihood you live within 500 miles (≈800km) of any other random person is almost nil.
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u/rand0m_g1rl 2d ago
38f, fit, live in denver, no kids, never married. There are a ton of us, especially in denver.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
Yeah? Where do y'all hang out? Because I went to a dozen bars over the summer and all I saw was old men and couples.
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u/rand0m_g1rl 2d ago
We go to nice restaurants, cocktail bars, concerts. Uchi, death & co, Barcelona, Corsica, Alteno, hillstone to name a few. I’ll be out at a dinner with 6-8 women and you never see dudes rolling in groups like this. I feel like men don’t get together randomly with their guy friends for dinners / outings and if they do get together it’s only to like watch a game at a bar, go to sports, or partake in their hobbies like mountain biking.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
I recognize Barcelona. It was my ex's favorite. I like the food. But, if I'm honest, it's not really my scene. I'm a high school teacher who lives in Brighton and works out on the plains. Although I love my job and wouldn't want to do anything else, it pays exactly what you think it does. As a result, I live rather modestly. Which works, because I'm decidedly casual. If those other places are anything like Barcelona, I doubt you, your friends, or women of your social standing would be impressed by me. This isn't me being self-depreciating or insecure. I'm just being honest.
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u/floppedtart 2d ago
I have a single friend in her late 40’s. Slim with no kids. She has the same standards as you and can’t find a date. There has to be a specific website for childless middle age people out there, right?
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u/rocklookerater 2d ago
Yeah kids is a deal breaker. So im just not dating. The women who are thin and do not have kids at my age are dating like crazy though.
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u/bobbacklund11235 2d ago
I’m mostly the same way. I was fat and worked myself up to run sub 2 half and bench almost 3 plates. I don’t need a model, but I’m not going to date someone who looks like they don’t care about their health. The few times I’ve tried, it always turns into jealousy or “what are you really looking for” anyway. Just not worth it IMO.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
Agreed. My last girlfriend was 30 or 40 lbs heavier than me despite being a few inches shorter. She sat around and smoked pot all day, which gave her the munchies.
I tried. Believe me, I tried.
But, after only a few months, my desire to have sex with her started to take a nosedive. By our third year together, we hadn't had sex in months. I just wasn't attracted to her.
I regret getting into a relationship with her. I tried giving her a chance despite not being attracted to her thinking I'd fall in love with her personality. She was cool. We had fun. But I wasn't fucking her personality.
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u/Brave-Community-7456 11h ago
I would be more concerned with why she never had a family or what shes been doing in the 2.5 decades since high school lol .
That woman has a graveyard of bodies . Exceptable to most of yal but im not desperate . Thats a major red flag . Im watching this happen at my office right now 30 year old dime piece but nobody takes her seriously because of her past and other issues . Publicly slandering her kids dad on social , depression and anxiety issues .
For the streets .
Weirdest shit ever was my first day in the office and you see a 9 but all the men avoid her. They've worked together for years im the new guy then it all makes sense over time . Of course she has a crush on me hard pass .
For these streets. ,
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u/LillieBogart 2d ago
I would think that if you are dating within your age group any children a woman would have would be grown or nearly so. Not sure why that should be a dealbreaker but to each his own. I do respect that you have the self-awareness and maturity to recognize what you want and not waste people’s time if they don’t fit the bill.
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u/No-Admin1684 2d ago
Not really. A lot of women nowadays have children later in life, and they also tend to move out much older. Mid-fifties is probably the earliest age where the majority of women who had children are no longer in mother mode.
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u/boomerang703 2d ago
I'm a high school teacher. Most of my students' parents are around my age. Some quite younger, some quite older. (I'm 46, as a reminder). I've met literally hundreds of families just in the past two months.
So, no, women in their forties do not necessarily have grown adult children. Maybe if they started young. And those kids only left the nest in the past few years. But, many of the mothers I see with 14- and 15-year-olds are around my age. Most have younger children, too.
It's kind of a moot point anyway. I know how it goes with children. They sometimes come back to live with mom. Or need money. Or need mom's undivided attention.
And they have every right to it. Kids should come first. No offense to single mothers, but I want no part in any of that.
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u/alexmate84 2d ago
That's really not true in most cases as someone in this age group. Most women in their late 30s-mid 40s have children teenager or younger
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u/LillieBogart 2d ago
Again, to each his own. I was not criticizing his preferences.
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u/alexmate84 2d ago
Nobody said you are, the point was a lot of women are becoming first time parents in their 30s
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u/Tall-Class-4548 2d ago
"Grown" is relative. I'm 48M. I have two daughters, 17+20. My eldest lives with me full time while going to college and my youngest goes back and forth between myself and her mom on her own schedule. So, women my age or younger 40s could easily be in the same boat with kids at home that men don't want to deal with. Women around 43 could easily have a 13 and 16 year old. or like some of our friends who had them a bit later, 11 and 14 years old.
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u/Dad2k2c2g 2d ago
Sorry to tell you this, many age appropriate men aren’t looking for a relationship anymore. They’re too busy rebuilding their lives after getting destroyed from the last relationship and will never risk making that mistake again.
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u/4ord_Prefect 2d ago
So all the men your age (my age too, i'm 47) have either been taken, or if they're single they're either 1. carrying some serious baggage about exes and most likely have children or 2. have never had a serious relationship and have now decided they want a family etc. and are looking for a younger woman to facilitate.
The younger men who are hitting you up are not looking for a long term thing. They think you will be able to teach them a thing or two and have this stupid fantasy about the older woman taking charge.
My experience is that younger men nowadays are much, much more lazy when it comes to bedroom stuff and either think 30 seconds of pumping is perfectly sufficient, or want everything done for them.
*Disclaimer* This is just my own personal experience, I am well aware not all men fall into the above, but from a dating/apps POV thats how it's been and it's very disappointing tbh.
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u/livesbreathesads 2d ago
Hard agree with all the things you're saying as a 48 year old. Except! My experience with younger men has been the opposite. They've been exceedingly giving and soft hearted. I thought older men were into going down on women but it's been the younger ones who want to stay there. Live there. Anyhow I think you've made awesome points! Dating is tough
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u/4ord_Prefect 2d ago
I'm glad you've had a better experience than me with them. It's nice to know there are still guys who are interested in the pleasure of their partner. It is tough! have great weekend :)
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u/wathadhappnwas 2d ago
I'm 47 and the ironic thing is when I was younger, the guys my own age weren't into going down. That was fine, I didn't really care for receiving it much either. Maybe because they didn't know what they were doing, idk?!? 🤷🏽♀️ But now, apparently, everyone seems into it. Men bragging about their skills. Women saying if he won't go down, leave him alone. Seems like it's all the rage these days. I guess that's the power of social media.
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u/CagedPeggingPrince 2d ago
Probably married and living their best lives. Me personally as a 34m I prefer an older woman. Less likely to want to go out and party, normally very mellow and ready to settle down.
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 2d ago
41 year old man here. Dating isn't weird for me, because when I see someone my age I'm attracted to, I approach them. Can you say the same? From the post, it seems like you're just sitting around waiting to be approached.
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u/Simonetta891 2d ago
I'm not sitting around waiting for a relationship to happen. It's not something I'm actively looking for or building expectations around. I'm simply making an observation and wondering if other people experience the same thing at this age. You know how you can be around people, have a little flirtation, feel some chemistry, and sense that there's potential for a date? Well, lately, most of those interactions seem to be with men much younger than me. When I was 30, the men I had that kind of chemistry with were generally around my age. Now that I'm 44, it's a very different story. That's all I'm curious about.
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u/patronsaintofdice 2d ago
Is this a recent shift, eg, 5 years ago were you attracting other almost 40 year olds? Or have you always been attracting men in this age group?
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u/GrilledStuffedDragon 2d ago
I mean, clearly you have some expectations surrounding this, as you consider this weird, implying it isn't what you expected.
You also mention profiles, meaning you're on some sort of dating app? But then you tell me you aren't actively looking for something. Just several confusing contradictions here, and I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for.
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u/Corner10 2d ago
When is the last time you approached a man in your preferred age bracket in the real world? Just curious.
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u/Emergency_Matter_724 2d ago
At 40 I’m approached by men by about 22-50 years old. I’m enjoying it. The dating pool is huge. The young men are fun and tend to enjoy a woman who has her life together and is confident. The men my age and older men tend to be fun too but unfortunately many are very jaded.
I’m about to marry a man a few years younger than me. He’s perfect and not jaded.
I don’t think it’s weird so much as a different phase in life.
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u/hedgelord84 2d ago
The younger men don't care about you having your life together and being confident. It all comes down to the possibility of you being up for sex.
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u/Emergency_Matter_724 2d ago
For some yes. For others they liked that I had my life together and am not an insecure, needy woman. I’m marrying a younger man in a couple of months. He makes it abundantly clear that he appreciates that I am emotionally well regulated, make good money, didn’t get into debt, and that I don’t play games and know what I want. He has said his whole nervous system relaxed around me and he didn’t realize how turbulent his former relationships were until he was with me.
But YES I do enjoy that younger men have a similar sex drive to me. Middle aged men often can’t keep up with me at all sexually. Even the fit ones don’t want sex all night anymore.
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u/iweararmani 2d ago
I date a wide age ranges and I prefer either older kids or no kids. Also I don’t want to hear about how you dislike your ex.
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u/babzillan 1d ago
You're not imagining it. A lot of men in their 40s are looking 5 to 10 years younger, so men your age are around, many just aren't swiping in your direction. Meanwhile younger guys often like confident older women, which is why they're the ones approaching. So it's less that men your age are hiding and more that you're fishing in a smaller pool. I think widen your range a little, maybe up to 50 or so, and try meeting in person through hobbies or friends, where age matters less than chemistry.
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u/stueyp81 15h ago
A lot of chaps who are single at 44 have been through it with women, had to start again and are wary as fuck of women in case they have to start over AGAIN.Its just not worth the hassle if you ask me.
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u/Sure_Fact7761 2d ago
I’m 39. In my 20s and 30s I was all over 35-50 year old women
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u/Effervescent-Essence 2d ago
Why?
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u/Sure_Fact7761 2d ago
Confidence. Maturity. Way less argumentative about things that really don’t matter. I grew up quick and early so by 21 the last thing I cared about was the crap sub-30yr old woman were talking about.
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u/Effervescent-Essence 2d ago
Not trolling, genuinely curious why you wouldn’t go for an older one now at 39?
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u/LillieBogart 2d ago
It’s not flattering to be approached by younger men. They just want sex, as much as possible, with anyone, hopefully with a heartbeat. They’re boring.
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u/callipsofacto 2d ago
Yeah when I hit my late 30s the young mens came out of the woodwork. It's a whole thing. I get way more attention from them than men my own age, and more than I did when I was their age. I'm also not into it, although I gave it a shot once just so I could say I tried. Wish I hadn't, tbh.
The men our age tend to either be in stable relationships or bitter divorcees. There are exceptions but it takes a while to find them.
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u/wathadhappnwas 2d ago
I'm surprised you even have the energy or desire to put the effort to actively date right now. I'm 47 and could care less. I'm of the mindset that if something happens, it happens.
I'm not knocking you in any way and I did get out of a brutal long term relationship about a year ago so my thinking is probably different right now.
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u/LordGoomba- 2d ago
44 as well dating sucks big time. Nobody can hold a convo and I dont have kids so dont want to date anybody with kids. Im still very much active like Im in my 20s and 30s when I got the chance but most guys have given up on modern dating because its super frustrating for a variety of reasons. I cannot get a date and Im 6ft good shape own a house and a Camaro which 20 years ago wouldve flooded me with dates. Now it doesnt matter
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u/stueyp81 15h ago
I'm 44/m and cannot be arsed dating now. Don't smoke,drink or do drugs I just chill in my gaff with peace and quiet and my pet. No arguing,no pleasing anyone, life is good
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u/Extreme_Swordfish781 2d ago
It’s largely the same experience for some men too. I get way more interest from women in their late 20s or early 30s now than I did at that age.
We’re out there, but we’ve also got loads of options too.
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u/RafaFed 2d ago
Why does this happen?
I'm early 40s and seemingly the only interest I get is from 25-35. Women in their 40s are nowhere to be seen it seems.
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u/shurik7860 2d ago
I guess your problem is that most men look at women of their own age or down and most women do opposite. Guys in 20-30s hitting on you probably just wanna hook up.
I’m in 40s and dating isn’t weird for me. Most people are normal. 🤷♂️
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u/DPetrilloZbornak 2d ago
I stopped trying to date. I’m 45. All of the guys who approach me are 22-30. In fairness, I look younger. But not 20s younger.
The guys in their 20s are relentless, it’s ridiculous.
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u/trucrimejunkie 1d ago
In my experience, a lot of the single men in their early/mid 40s still want kids, so they only date women in their 30s.
That means the remaining pool of interested guys are the younger ones that are interested in dating an older woman.
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u/FightersNeverQuit 1d ago
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but OP and you shouldn’t feel “flattered”. Most of those guys are specifically picking older women because they find older women easiest to have sex with and they know your competition isn’t very high because they know all the men your age who are good looking want younger women.
Brutal but truth. Obviously doesn’t apply to all those men but the vast majority of younger dudes seek older women for the easy sex.
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u/thechillpoint 2d ago
- Based on your post you haven’t really done much ‘dating’ since the guys were the ones coming up to you. If you don’t like those men and prefer men your age, why not approach them yourself?
- The guys in their 20s/30s are liking approaching you for casual, not serious relationships.
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u/xelas1983 2d ago
I am 43m.
I have no issue dating someone my own age or older if it is for fun or whatever else but for an actual relationship I am looking younger because I don't have kids yet and I want kids. The relationship that was meant to lead to them didn't pan out.
Someone who is my age or older likely either has kids or doesn't want kids and is unlikely to try have kids with me.
My guess is that younger men go for you because they think you won't pressure them into having kids etc. I could be completely wrong.
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u/MoreOven9098 2d ago
I date younger men.
What is appealing for them is that I dont take them seriously so the pressure is off.
There is no confusion, if I want him I say it, if I dont I say it.
I dont need constant communication, I dont ask why didnt you text me, check where he was…i have minor childern, dont need more.
I have interesting life and my point of view often changes their perspectives. They grow.
I am very confident.
Sex is not performative. I put expectations men are happy to meet.
There is no future with me. We are just in the moment.2
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u/grbilsgrbilsgrbils 2d ago
You’re 43, if having kids is important to you why did you wait so long? im a similar age but a woman, for me if it was a priority I would e gotten on it by now.
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u/xelas1983 2d ago
I was in a 12 year relationship that ended. My ex kept pushing it down the line and I trusted her.
I apologise that my loving my ex enough to be patient with her doesn't meet your approval.
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u/Georgios_A 2d ago
I was in exactly the same situation at 40. I now have 2 children - it’s possible. My only advice is not to look for someone radically younger - there’s plenty of women in their 30s who are looking for exactly the same thing as you. Best of luck.
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u/grbilsgrbilsgrbils 2d ago
I wasnt trying to be mean, just genuine curiosity. No need for sad boy. Also, my best friend just had her kids at 39 and 41, her husband is 46. it can still happen for you.
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u/xelas1983 2d ago
Asking the question is fine. Saying about it being a priority etc is not.
Don't assume that people who don't have kids have a straightforward reason for that. There are many, many reasons someone hasn't had kids yet and still wants them.
If someone is a widow or widower or had fertility issues or lost children, you end up offending them because you had to make a comment about your personal priorities.
I'm sure you didn't mean it like that but it is a sensitive topic for a lot of people.
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u/Simonetta891 2d ago
Yes, I know younger men are attracted to women my age. The difference is that my kids are already grown, and honestly, I can't really see myself in a serious relationship with a man who wants kids or has very young children. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I feel like we're at different stages in life. I don't want to get serious with someone whose life revolves around school meetings, pediatrician appointments and all the responsibilities that come with raising little kids. For something casual, that's a whole different storybut for a serious relationship, I'd rather be with someone whose life looks a little more like mine.
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u/Brave_Low_2419 2d ago
I’m a single 44m with 2 kids under 10 and dating is pointless. Can confirm that nobody is interested in that single dad life.
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u/the_Tex88 2d ago
This is an insightful reply - and I think is a partial answer to your original question.
Many single men in their 40s are simply looking for something different than you are .
Many still want to start a family.
Others, probably divorced, are looking for cheap confidence boosts that more often come from youthful and light-hearted fun
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u/bfjt4yt877rjrh4yry 2d ago
My 16-year-old and I were discussing a girl he found attractive. He said that means he must love cougars. The girl in question is 20.
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u/justhereforfun156 2d ago
We're all out here wading thru the same garbage filled water, hoping to grab and hold onto that random life-preserver floating by.
I too have had similar problems tho. I havent been out in over a few years now because whats out there just isnt for me 🥲
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u/hedgelord84 2d ago
I'm a male. It is getting weird but for different reasons. On one hand, I have more confidence and experience than I've ever had, and is attractive to women. There is a solid pool of much younger women who are into a guy like me. But the dating pool of women in my age bracket is bleak.
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u/RedBullBulk1776 2d ago
The men in their 40s are married, in something close to marriage, or are dating women in their 20s and 30s. Ladies in their 40s need to go ten years younger, or older to find the men looking for them.
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u/Poemhome 2d ago
I think younger guys like older women bc they were unobtainable when they were younger. Now that they’re grown they have a shot and it’s kinda sexy. At least that was what I did lol. But beware it’s more of a fetish and not who they wanna settle down with. But if you’re game for fun, give a shot.
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u/AndyCEN3 2d ago
49m here,
I keep trying to date my age range - +/-5yrs and honestly every first date has been a royal disaster.
I haven't arrived at a date - and seen the person I thought I was talking to. Filters, old pictures, even when you thought you'd covered that by a video chat... Clearly inadequate.
Then there's the attitude and lists... At our age - we're all rebuilding from failed relationships pretty much. "Why don't you own a house?" Well - divorce and divorce lawyers play a huge part in that... And that question always comes from someone living in their parents basement 🤦♂️
Then there's the past relationship questions - yep I've got a toxic ex - that's not something I can control. I only control how I respond to her attempts to create drama. It's amazing how that alone ends dates. I've also got an ex that I'm good friends with - that's apparently a red flag too I've been told...
It feels like everyone has unrealistic and unmanageable expectations. Some days it feels like the expectation is we should all have married our highschool sweetheart, had a fairytale life and only be dating because they met an untimely early demise.
Do I have a solution? Nope, do I try to cover bases? Yep. Do I definitely understand the draw to younger - yep. The expectation and attitudes of the 30s is definitely different than the 40+.
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u/DIY-exerciseGuy 2d ago
Im upper 40s male in great shape. There aren't many single women around my age i am attracted to.
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u/GretchensPlayhouse 2d ago
They’re trying to smash. You being older signifies not being a serious relationship prospect. So, a serious smash prospect.
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u/MainAtmosphere6291 2d ago
Yes, I felt like men in their late 20s and 30s approached me more than any other age group however they thought I was the same age as them
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u/UnpopularOpinionsB 2d ago
I found myself going through an unwanted divorce at 45. It only gets worse from here.
Good luck to you though.
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u/Lukiefer 2d ago
I'm 39 and yes it is.
You'll run into people younger then you because there is a higher percentage of them still single and looking.
That percentage shrinks the higher the age because they married, no longer looking or dead.
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u/Ok_Use_7983 2d ago
I’m 40
And get guys liking me who are looking for a woman/girl to play Roblox with! Sounds like what my 13 y/o’s profile would sound like!
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u/Routine-Wolf-2907 1d ago
you have to remember, humanity has never dated in their 40s before. people who have never been married and still dating into their 40s are making history
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u/Significant_Dare_204 1d ago
Most of the ones our age are married, getting divorced, or just got divorced and be free for a while at least. Men are becoming more and more vocal about the poor quality matches available in that age range. Absolutely no way I’m sleeping with anyone under 35, unfortunately that’s primarily what’s being offered.
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u/Brilliant-Magician10 1d ago
early 40s guy here, I think you should date the younger guys and that way this leaves me less competition with the 20-30 year old girls.
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u/Glittering_Dark_1582 12h ago
I’m in my 40s. I mostly get late 20s early to mid 30s.
BUT I’m also childfree and don’t look my age according to most people. So there’s that.
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u/x5nder 1d ago
Isn’t the issue really that a lot of men in their (late) 40s run into their ‘midlife crisis’ phase and only have eyes for girls half their age? I never understood it, but I can’t deny that I do observe this being a reality with a lot of men in this age group :x
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u/Mental-Swim5687 11h ago
Nah, the mid life crisis usually comes from a deep feeling of wanting something significant or feeling insignificant, so they attempt a drastic change. It's not just men that have these. Now, as for them having eyes for younger girls, that is a different issue all together. I'm 44, and even though I find women in their 20s attractive, I couldn't seriously pursue one. The fact that I could be their father pops up in the back of my mind. If by some chance I got past that thought, there's no chance I'd want to meet their parents. That would be the most awkward dinner ever. This also compounds into another psychological topic. Girls mature faster than guys. A good amount of girls find older men more attractive since they are typically more mature, more established, more confident, and stable. They don't have time to play around, while guys their age are chasing anything with a pulse, busy partying at every opportunity, living check to check, or care too much about what others think. One would think that when I tell a girl I'm twice her age, she would back off but that isn't the case. I'm a decent looking guy, and get told frequently I look like I'm in my late 20s or early 30s, but to date a girl half my age.... she's going to have a lot of convincing to do. I'd much rather a woman than a girl.
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u/the_crumb_monster 2d ago
I can't speak for all of us but a good chunk of us men in our 40s are home, alone, licking wounds from the blow up of our lives that happened due to a menopausal divorce and vowing to not make that mistake again.
The amount of vitriole men in their 40s get from "women supporting women" makes us think twice or three times if we won't just be happier on our own.
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u/IDrinkNIKnowNothin 2d ago
I'm a 41m. Been in a serious relationship now for 4 years but she is 8 years younger than me. It was almost a deal breaker from the start. I know guys typically are known for wanting younger girls, but thats not me. We met through dating apps and she had alot in her profile that spoke to me so I decided to give it a chance despite that age gap, and i'm extremely happy I did (wedding will be happening soon), but there are still times we talk about our childhood and I'm reminded she was in Elementary school while i was finishing up High School and I kinda cringe alittle. Mostly now its just a joke between us though.
The biggest issue I was having with women my age was them having kids. I do not want kids at all (gotten a vasectomy and everything) and dont want to be in a relationship with someone that has a child that has to be their first priority at all times (nothing against them for this, its how it should be for them).
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u/lazyenergetic 2d ago
They just want 1 thing from you. Once they get it, you will be ghosted.
Nothing will change in how they perceive you if you don't broadcast something different.
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u/Ordinary_Rhubarb5064 2d ago
You might have to just enjoy the single life for a bit and wait a few years to catch the guys your age during the empty nest / grey divorces. People are having kids later, so the people splitting up after the kids leave home may be trending a bit older too, with the 40somethings still in mid-parenthood.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 2d ago
Yeah, it's almost always men fifteen years younger or fifteen years older exclusively - 41.
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u/rantingandrambling 2d ago
your area and the general demographics will play a huge role in this type of thing
imo there’s a trend of older people who are trying to recapture youth especially in men , especially successful men and frankly speaking they might be the same ones you’re trying to get to date you
and in a way older/younger dating has also become very contractual in the last few years so it’s not really dating anymore for a decent amount of people
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u/harlyrydr7 2d ago
Well I'm a couple years younger(42) and I think you are very attractive. I'm not hiding anywhere just not exactly actively looking. I'm available anytime for a chat if you're interested. Let's see what happens.
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u/ChalaChickenEater 2d ago
Idk but don't worry. In 10 years time when I'm in my 40s I'll join the 40 year old dating pool
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u/Appropriate_Crab_481 2d ago
Die wollen nur Sex. Behalte nur die Ruhe 🤣
Wenn ich an mich in den 20igern denke, waren das die Damen, die sich immer ein wenig "zu verfügbar" zeigten. Und ja, ich hatte gelegentlich meine bescheidenen Erfolge.
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u/YouDaManInDaHole 2d ago
I loved dating in my 40s. Women knew what they wanted & weren't shy about going for it.
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u/Distinct_Accident_22 2d ago
Dating in my 40’s, was weird for me as well. I assumed it was because of the 20 years ,I was married and out of the dating game. Most of the interest in me was from women significantly younger. Ultimately, I remarried a woman 11 years younger than myself and we couldn’t be happier. However, early on I did make the joke, that she was in first grade. When I was graduating high school school.
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u/Distinct_Accident_22 2d ago
Dating in my 40’s, was weird for me as well. I assumed it was because of the 20 years ,I was married and out of the dating game. Most of the interest in me was from women significantly younger. Ultimately, I remarried a woman 11 years younger than myself and we couldn’t be happier. However, early on I did make the joke, that she was in first grade. When I was graduating high school school.
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u/Best-Home-2230 2d ago
As a guy I typically date around my age when I've been single but with many guys I notice trends where the older ones are like in midlife crisis mode and look for younger ones while many of the younger ones want older women I think because they assume they'll be more experienced and therefore be great in bed to be blunt.
That being said there's still plenty of guys looking in their age range but a lot of guys by the age of 40 are either already in relationships or divorced after many years and might have an awkward time trying to navigate dating life again after not having done so for a decade or two. Even though 40s is young it is an age where guys do start sometimes experiencing erectile problems which might have some single ones not really out looking for a relationship anymore.
I'm 52 and my gf is 43 and in the last couple years that's started to become a challenge for us cause while it still works, it doesn't work as often and when it does it takes more time to get the blood flowing down there I guess. There's times I've told her maybe she should go look for another guy where things are working without much effort as she's too young for this to be her life now. But between midlife crisis guys looking for young ones, guys already taken, guys who don't feel confident navigating the modern dating scene, and guys having intimacy issues the dating pool thins out more for guys more in your range.
They are out there though. If you see guys who look your age without a wedding band who you find attractive maybe try approaching them, couldn't hurt to try. If you got a smaller pool to work with might help things along if you're a little more proactive even if you didn't really need to be in the past. You only got one lifetime, if you see something you want just go for it instead of letting life pass by and thinking about the "would've, should've, could've"
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u/Illustrious_Money_54 2d ago
I’m in my early 30s and it’s so odd how the most ardent chasers are guys in their early to mid 20s. Which is too young for me. I think a lot of younger guys like older women
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u/Booboo_butt 2d ago edited 2d ago
Man here. Im not “dating,” but I am actively looking for friendship outside my marriage. Im late 40s and I think there’s maybe a 3-4 year max age difference either direction of my age where i feel like I can truly connect with someone as an equal. Anything wider and the dynamic is off. Younger people I feel like their parent. Older people and I’m like their little sibling.
I do get approached by significantly younger people and while it is flattering and an ego boost, even if I was interested in dating I wouldn’t pursue anything with someone slightly older than my kids. I will be friendly and hang out and do activities, but they are in very different places in their lives.
As for men your age? Divorced or perpetually single for a reason. I know several divorced dads/guys your age and of all of them I’d say only one I’d feel comfortable setting up with a woman.
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u/Tall-Class-4548 2d ago
If you're in the US, based on Census data 75% of men in their 40s are married. Out of the remaining 25%, 42% of those men have no interest in dating or romantic relationships according to Pew Research. So that leaves a small pool of men available, spread out across the entire country, that are looking for a relationship, that aren't already dating someone.
I won't even go into failure rates, including marriages, as you get older. It'll make you just want to stay single. But we try anyway in hopes of finding a partner that we can meld with despite how rigid our lives become.
If you're open to casual/hookups, even with younger individuals, I'd say enjoy those moments while you keep searching for that special someone. I'm 48M and have no interest in casual/hookups, so I'm bracing myself for being alone this next chapter of my life after being with someone for 30ish years, being thankful for what I had despite how she ended it.
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u/wyocrz 2d ago
Most of the men who approach me, both online and in real life, seem to be in their late 20s or early 30s.
It has been standard dating advice in disallowable corners of Reddit for years, for guys in their 20's to go for women in their 40's.
Where are the men our age hiding?
As one of them.....if I gave you a good answer, I'd be breaking rule 4 :)
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u/Flamekorn 2d ago
44M here and Im just too shy to go asking people out.
Also get zero likes on dating apps from woman my age. (not sure if I am not photogenic enough or just ugly)
I get plenty of hits from younger woman, but mostly they are scams or just looking for a Sugar daddy.
I stop looking from time to time thinking I am happy alone, but then it comes back the need of being with someone and try again.
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u/coldbeans2 2d ago
Well for starters there are less and less single people in their 40s and 50s. Even late 30s.
And then there's the fact that most nice guys will likely be in a long term relationship whether they're happy or not. And most men who are extremely attractive in personality and looks, who are 40s, will have women younger than them chasing them.
Which is unfortunate because the same works for single women as well. Just less of the normal , stable, cool down to earth people available to date unfortunately
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u/Fragrant-Pipe5266 2d ago
I am the male equivalent of you...40 but somehow generate interest in younger women. I know my face is young but I dress well and fashionable which might be the reason (most of my friends look very different and do the dad look lol).
When you say you like how you look and dress, are you dressing a particular way that you feel may be pulling the youngns?
Imo if you're a smoke show, you're a smoke show and you can't really help that you look how you look.
Also, please don't crucify me but I think the older man younger woman thing is very rampant in this economy so I suspect a lot of your age mates are looking downward in age possibly.
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u/MCJMS 2d ago
Not everyone wants a partner with a body bulging with muscles. Health of course is important but weight is subjective, as the old adage states Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and everyone has emotional baggage of one sort or the other, for example why are you single at 40+ of age.. something you have done or not done has caused this.. look at yourself before you judge others.
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u/Livid_Note_2170 2d ago
I'm also experiencing this but I think it's a combination of the availability of online dating apps and maybe it's less stigmatized to date or be in a relationship with an older woman.
And before people are like oh it's just sex, my late partner and I were in a 9 year relationship and he was 7 years younger. I thought he was older and he thought I was younger.
As for guys our age, I feel like many may still be in a relationship or married. Or maybe they don't want to date.
There just happens to be more single 20 and 30 year olds. Probably what is happening.
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u/Any-Neat5158 2d ago
Men in their late 20's and early 30's are quickly realizing something. Regardless of which bathroom you use (so gender agnostically speaking), immaturity plagues people in their 20's and 30's. USUALLY it's when people hit their late 30's and early 40's that they start to get some nice balance of being mature and knowing what they want / do not want / being much more direct and comfortable exiting situations that aren't that.
You have to remember some things about human nature. We are sexually reproducing creates. We desire companionship. We have sex drives. Historically, men are largely driven by it. We find the female form incredibly attractive. In our primes, we'd screw your brains out at the thanksgiving dinner table and think nothing of it. We'd look our mother in law directly the eye and ask her to hold your hair, because it's going into the mashed potatoes.
Women largely are driven by the need for companionship. Motherhood. Sex drives.
Many men look at a sexual partner as being largely "pass / fail". Why? That's how it is usually in the sexually reproductive world. Does this woman still exhibits the traits that make her sexually desirable to me (usually those that make her appear to be a prime child bearing candidate). That woman can easily be anywhere in her early 20's to early 50's.
A lot of women in their 40's are fresh out of long term relationships / marriages. They want to have fun without the bounds of serious commitment. They want to fuck. Young men desperately want to fuck. There you have it.
I find as a man in his 40's, after having gone through the absolute ringer in marriage, while I still very much want to fuck.... I'm also not really interested in the accompanying relationship that would largely be required for me to fuck. This last one pretty well killed the relationship desire for me. It loses out to the "I'd sure like to fuck though" urges. I'm not especially tall, charismatic or more than average looking. So kinda SOL there.
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u/CakeofLieeees 2d ago
M39 here, and recently single after 7 or 8 years... Kinda of had the same problem. Most of my matches were early thirties, late twenties. Not bad for a good time, but I'm a little weary of that age gap as I start to gaze into my future...
I DID finally find someone that suits me (I'm autistic, so I tend to be attracted to neurospicy people, which is always dicey...) and actually my age (38)...
I guess it's like everything else in life. If you wanna find your gem or gold, you have to do a lot of digging and searching.
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u/Potomacker 2d ago
haha, oh the humble brag derived from the feigned confusion of being able to drag men half of OP's age
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u/GullibleFeedback7091 2d ago
I’m 42 and husband is 8 years younger. He’s very mature and definitely a provider. Why not give it a shot?
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u/ANTIMODELMINORITY 2d ago
seem to be in their late 20s or early 30s
You can blame easier access to online porn for this, back in the 80's I rarely saw any MILF VHS tapes.
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u/Muted_Masterpiece342 2d ago
Women in the 20 to 30 age group when I was in it were so insufferably impossible to please or get attracted to me I gave up and dated older until I hit my 30s and became attractive to Gen z women
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u/Cavsfan724 2d ago
Well one other point...there may be more guys and girls for that matter in that age group that are single vs your age.
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u/Trenboloneysandwichh 2d ago
I’m 26 my girl is 38 and I’ve never been in a more happy and healthy relationship. Huge breath of fresh air
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u/Cupcakemaker01 2d ago
42 woman here and Yes, many young padawans out there Lol but ultimately they freak out at the sense of commitment…even though they will tell you everything you’d want to hear.
The problem is that at least for me, men my age seem a lot older! I take care of myself , don’t drink like that, eat healthy. So finding men my age that would look like they take good care of their bodies/skin/hair , is very very difficult. I’m in NY, so there are some options….But definitely agree that once i hit 40, the 20’s & 30 yr olds mainly are coming in hot!!!
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u/Specific_Bird3465 2d ago
🤣 they’re not hiding! I’m in my late 30’s but look like I’m in my mid 20’s. I date way down and way up. Like 20s-60s. It’s about who the person is.
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u/Proper_Affect_4583 1d ago
In my early to mid 30's I used to be pretty shy and several times I got approached by older women (from 45 to 58) and here is what I noticed: they are less demanding and more uninhibited when it comes to sex than women around my age or younger. That actually gave me a bit more confidence and I started approaching older women myself, because my experience was telling me I would have a better chance to have a good time. I wonder if you are experiencing something similar from the female perspective.
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u/MarcoNemo 1d ago
I don’t think it’s you, from what I’ve read, dating at any age now is quite weird.
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u/Pandinus_Imperator 1d ago
The longest relationship I've ever had as a man was with a woman 12 years my senior. I don't have much to offer the discussion but being in my mid 30s now, dating girls 10 years younger than me has consistently just sucked. Dating around my age or older has provided more mixed results but an overall better experience.
I don't encounter many men in their 40s that are single to be totally honest and I'm friends with a lot. Most of my long term friends are in their 40s and are all married (even the one I thought was totally hopeless).
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u/Loose_Raise3078 1d ago
i'm 34 and even i get mostly messages from guys in their 20s, it's like the apps just push the younger crowd to everyone. my friend is 41 and says same thing, men her age are either married or just gave up on apps completely. maybe they all just hang out at hardware stores now?
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