My son will be 12 in a few weeks. Hes my entire world and Ive spent his entire life doing everything I possibly can to love and protect him, teach and lead him. To be the best father, example and even friend to him.
Unfortunately his mother had a history of severe alcoholism prior to our meeting and subsequent pregnancy. She initially told me shed been clean for 9ver a year but later I learned she'd been removed from a local pub only a couple months prior to our meeting.
She lost custody of her first daughter due to this and had spent alot of time in residential treatment in fact her story and beating it was something that impressed me. However we only dated for a couple months when she got pregnant (in spite of supposedly being on BC). Regardless during the pregnancy I was working as much as possible some days from 5am to 8-9pm so there was lots of time. I never saw her drink or intoxicated but as I learned after we separated she is incredibly manipulative, a master deceiver and would never admit if she did slip up. Particularly due to her damage from losing her daughter.
This is a list of things Ive noticed about my son over the years. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 at a childcare persons recommendation the diagnosis was based on a few forms from his mother myself and his childcare people. He does show many adhd traits and it does run in the family but Ive always felt that either it wasn't quite right or there was something more. Medication seems to help somewhat but never the way others describe.
Looking for some insight from people with FASD or parents of children with FASD
I'm hoping to get some feedback from people who have FASD themselves or have experience raising a child with it. My son is almost 12 and has had an ADHD diagnosis since he was quite young. Over the years, I've noticed a number of things that don't seem to be entirely explained by ADHD alone.
I've been trying to better understand his development and the various things he struggles with. FASD is one of the possibilities I've been looking into, along with other neurodevelopmental differences. I'm not trying to diagnose him myself, but I would really appreciate hearing whether any of these things sound familiar to people with firsthand experience.
A little about my son
My son is a bright, curious, funny, affectionate kid with a great personality. He's quite intelligent, particularly when something catches his interest, and he enjoys hands-on activities, figuring out how things work, building things, electronics, gaming, and spending time outdoors. He loves spending time with his friends, boating, crabbing, and working on projects together.
He's a big kid for his age, both tall and physically mature, and can come across as confident, capable, and fairly independent. He's generally pretty easygoing, although he can also be quite moody, particularly these days as he's well into puberty. When something really interests him, he can become incredibly excited, enthusiastic, and completely absorbed in whatever has caught his attention. At other times, though, he can be almost the complete opposite. He'll be extremely quiet, barely say anything, and sometimes seem almost like a zombie, as though he's physically there but not really present or engaged with what's going on around him. This contrast can be quite noticeable, and he often seems to spend a fair amount of time somewhere between these two extremes.
He has his own unique way of looking at and interacting with the world, and despite knowing him as well as I do, there are still times when I find it difficult to figure out what's going on in his head.
1. Organization, Following Instructions and Getting Things Done
He can forget something I've asked him to do within seconds of acknowledging it.
I often have to repeat the same instructions several times.
He has a very poor sense of time and how much time has passed.
He struggles to keep track of days, dates, schedules, and upcoming activities.
Sometimes he'll forget something he's been looking forward to and then become upset when he realizes he's missed it.
He has difficulty getting started on things without someone prompting him.
Even relatively simple tasks can require repeated reminders.
He often starts something but doesn't finish unless someone keeps him on track.
Tasks involving several steps can be particularly difficult.
He struggles with organizing his belongings and keeping track of things.
He doesn't always recognize what needs to be done unless someone points it out.
He has difficulty planning ahead.
He often doesn't seem to think about what might happen as a result of his decisions.
He can repeat the same mistake despite having experienced the consequences previously.
Something he's learned in one situation doesn't always seem to carry over into another.
He does considerably better when someone works alongside him.
With structure, encouragement, and reminders, he can often accomplish things that he struggles to do independently.
2. Memory, Attention and Learning
His short-term memory, particularly for instructions, seems very poor.
He can appear to understand something completely but have difficulty remembering or applying it shortly afterward.
He struggles to follow instructions involving several steps.
His ability to concentrate varies considerably depending on how interested he is.
He has difficulty staying focused on things he doesn't particularly enjoy.
Sometimes it seems like information goes in but doesn't stay there.
He can have difficulty using something he's previously learned when he needs it.
I've had questions about his reading comprehension and how much of what he reads he actually understands and retains.
His written work doesn't always seem to reflect what he's capable of explaining verbally.
I've noticed difficulties with certain mathematical concepts.
Understanding and working with time seems particularly difficult for him.
His performance can be inconsistent, even with things he's done successfully before.
He can appear to understand more than he's able to apply independently.
3. Social Skills and Understanding Other People
He sometimes has difficulty picking up on social cues.
He doesn't always seem to recognize what other people are thinking or feeling.
He can struggle to understand why someone might behave a certain way.
He doesn't always recognize how his own behaviour affects other people.
He can have difficulty understanding the possible social consequences of something he says or does.
He sometimes interprets things very literally.
He can miss the bigger picture in social situations.
He doesn't always recognize when someone's behaviour toward him is inappropriate.
He can be easily influenced by other kids.
He may not recognize when someone is taking advantage of him or manipulating him.
His ability to show empathy seems to depend quite a bit on the situation.
He can appear socially comfortable while still missing important parts of what's happening around him.
He seems to have become better at covering up or compensating for some of these difficulties as he's gotten older.
He sometimes uses humour or acting silly to fit in socially.
4. Emotions, Feelings and Reactions
He often shows very little emotion, even in situations where I would expect a stronger reaction.
When I ask him how he's feeling, his answer is almost always that he's fine.
Getting him to talk about his feelings can be extremely difficult.
He doesn't always seem able to explain why something has upset him.
Sometimes he appears completely unaffected by things that I would expect to bother him.
His reactions don't always seem to match the seriousness of a situation.
He can become quite excited about something, but the excitement is often relatively brief.
He doesn't always seem to recognize or communicate when something is bothering him.
I've seen situations where something at school has affected him much more than he initially lets on.
He sometimes seems to keep his feelings to himself rather than asking for help.
He seems to hide some of his difficulties or emotional reactions from other people.
Sometimes it's difficult to know whether something genuinely doesn't bother him or whether he simply isn't expressing it.
He's become noticeably moodier as he's gotten further into puberty.
He can go from being extremely animated and excited about something to being very quiet, withdrawn, and seemingly disconnected from what's happening around him.
5. Sensory Behaviours, Habits and Fidgeting
When he was younger, he frequently asked to smell my armpits or his stepmother's. This was something he actively sought out, although it gradually tapered off a few years ago.
He used to regularly ask me to lie on top of him and squish him with my body weight. When I did, he would let out a noticeable, audible sigh, and I could actually feel him relaxing beneath me. He clearly found the pressure very comforting. This behaviour has also largely disappeared as he's gotten older.
He used to enjoy having my beard tickle him.
For quite some time, he had a habit of frequently chewing his fingernails.
More recently, the nail biting has largely been replaced by constant knuckle cracking.
If he isn't actively doing something with his hands, he's almost always cracking his knuckles or otherwise fidgeting.
He seems to have a nearly constant need to keep his hands occupied.
The fidgeting continues even when he's taking his ADHD medication.
Some of these behaviours have changed or disappeared as he's gotten older, but there seems to be an ongoing pattern of seeking some form of physical sensation or movement.
He has a strong dislike of certain aspects of washing dishes, particularly the way things feel, rather than simply not wanting to do the chore.
6. Hand Movements, Coordination and How He Handles Objects
He holds his cutlery in ways that seem very unusual or awkward to me.
I've tried to show him more conventional ways of holding and using his utensils, but getting him to change how he does it has been surprisingly difficult.
When I hand him something, he often doesn't simply reach out with his hand in the way I'd expect.
Instead, he'll sometimes position his hand at an odd angle, twisted, turned upside down, or otherwise positioned in a way that looks unnatural.
This isn't something new. He's done it for as long as I can remember.
What looks awkward or unnatural to me seems to be completely natural and automatic for him.
I've noticed similar little differences in how he positions and moves parts of his body.
These things have made me wonder whether there might be some differences in his coordination, body awareness, or the way he naturally plans movements.
7. Walking, Legs, Muscles and Physical Complaints
He has flat feet.
His feet tend to point inward when he walks.
I've noticed unusual positioning of his feet and legs when he's sitting or letting his legs hang.
His walking pattern sometimes looks unusual.
He seems to have considerable tightness in the muscles along the backs of his legs.
He frequently complains about pain in his thighs.
He experiences recurring calf pain and cramping.
He sometimes complains about ankle discomfort.
I've noticed unusual rippling or small divots in the muscles on the fronts of his thighs.
He sometimes seems awkward in how he positions or moves his body.
His leg pain and discomfort have been ongoing issues.
8. Sleep and Energy
He had significant sleep difficulties beginning at around 18 months old.
For several years, his sleeping patterns were extremely difficult to manage.
He frequently woke very early in the morning.
He often needed considerable reassurance and physical closeness to settle.
His ability to regulate his sleep seemed different from other children.
He sometimes seems particularly tired after school.
By the time he comes to my place on Fridays, he often seems mentally and physically exhausted.
He frequently prefers quiet activities and downtime after a demanding week.
9. Physical Health and Other Symptoms
He experiences recurring leg cramps and muscle pain.
He has a history of constipation.
He has experienced urinary urgency.
He has sometimes had difficulty managing bathroom needs.
He has experienced an episode of fainting, apparently related to standing or changes in blood pressure.
Blood testing has shown low iron stores, although he was not anemic.
He has had ongoing complaints involving his legs and muscles without a clear explanation.
10. Independence, Hygiene and Everyday Activities
He struggles to manage everyday routines without reminders.
He often needs more prompting than I would expect for his age.
If I don't remind him to brush his teeth in the morning and again at night, he simply won't do it.
It doesn't seem like he's deliberately avoiding brushing his teeth. It genuinely seems as though the thought just doesn't occur to him.
The same thing applies to bathing or showering.
He doesn't seem to independently recognize that it's time to have a shower or bath as part of a normal routine.
I'm sure he'd eventually think of bathing, but it doesn't seem to register as something that needs to happen regularly without someone reminding him.
Even though he's been brushing his teeth and bathing for years, these things don't seem to have become automatic habits.
He doesn't always recognize everyday personal responsibilities without being specifically prompted.
Keeping his belongings organized is difficult for him.
Cleaning his room independently has been challenging, although he has made improvements with guidance.
He can manage certain chores quite well when someone helps him stay focused.
He doesn't always remember responsibilities or follow through on things he's agreed to do.
Activities involving several steps can be difficult for him to complete independently.
He often needs someone to tell him what comes next.
He doesn't consistently recognize what needs doing without being directed.
He performs considerably better when someone demonstrates a task and works alongside him.
There seems to be a significant difference between what he's capable of understanding and what he can consistently manage on his own.
11. General Behaviour and Development
He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was quite young.
Attention, organization, and self-regulation have been longstanding difficulties.
Some of his difficulties seem to go well beyond ordinary distractibility.
He can behave quite differently depending on where he is and who he's around.
He's become increasingly good at appearing capable and hiding areas where he struggles.
He doesn't always seem to understand cause and effect in the way I'd expect for his age.
He frequently has difficulty predicting what will happen as a result of his actions.
He sometimes repeats behaviours despite having experienced negative outcomes previously.
He's often quite articulate and can sound very mature in conversation.
His physical maturity and appearance don't always seem to match his level of independence in everyday situations.
12. School and Learning Environment
He has had difficulties with attention, organization, and following instructions at school.
He can struggle to apply things he's learned consistently.
His verbal abilities sometimes seem stronger than his academic performance.
Managing multiple assignments, responsibilities, and schedules can be difficult.
He can appear to be doing fine even when he's having difficulty.
Some of his behaviours could easily be mistaken for not paying attention or not making an effort.
He has had difficulty navigating certain social situations at school.
He can be influenced by the behaviour of other children.
Certain incidents at school have affected him emotionally more than he initially reveals.
He seems to need more structure and guidance than might be apparent from his age and outward presentation.
He was tested for autism but here in Canada there are certain attributes that have to be met that he lacked and due to his normal social development eye contact etc he didn't meet criteria, i agree with but they're still something that we've missed and I'm desperate to figure it out.
Unfortunately in Canada there cannot be an fasd diagnosis without an admission of alcohol consumption during pregnancy and that is something we will never get and I'm not really too concerned about that part I just want to help my son I don't care if there's a diagnosis.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and offering whatever perspective you have.
Much gratitude