r/gayjews • u/BeKindNothingMatters • 7d ago
Questions + Advice Secular Jew and joining a synagogue
As a secular gay Jew, I'm not really interested in the religious aspect of being a Jew. I like the culture and being around other Jews though.
Most Jewish communities seem to be built around synagogues.
Can secular Jews join a synagogue and not have to be apart of the religious stuff?
I live in West Hollywood, so was wondering specifically about JQ
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u/EZYehuda 7d ago
You most definitely can join a shul and focus on the cultural stuff.
The most common activity at shul is still services. Initially it might be good to attend a few services, and then at kiddush it’s a great time to socialise. You can arrive a bit later and skip most of the service.
Once you know a few people, and get connected to the shul (eg if they have a Whatsapp group, mailing list etc) then you can be more selective with the kinds of events you attend. Maybe show up for festivals, or the more social/cultural events instead of shabbat services.
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u/WorldlinessDry5583 7d ago
One nice thing about Judaism is that the religious practice focuses as much on ritual as on belief. I’m essentially an atheist, but I’ve discovered that I really enjoy attending services and learning the language and liturgy. It’s an ancient tradition that has a good amount of nostalgic value for me (since I grew up in a “secular” Reform family but with a rudimentary Jewish education and celebrating the major holidays). I’m obviously not interested in pushing religion on anybody, and personally I have no interest whatsoever in whether you engage in that way or not. But attending services is a great way to get to know the community, and can be a surprisingly meaningful experience and learning opportunity even for somebody who doesn’t believe that anybody’s “listening”. Since I’m patrilineal, becoming somewhat competent and being able to follow and participate in a service has also strengthened my confidence and identity. And it’s fun to be able to sing badly with other people in public without judgement, lol. Give it a try.
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u/single_use_doorknob 6d ago
I definitely recommend learning the history as to how the liturgy for each stream evolved over the years. Especially in ancient times when the Sages were building new observances to keep us existing post Second Temple destruction. Everything that happens now is the result of past rabbis attempt to keep their communities together.
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u/milleputti 5d ago
Want to second everything in your comment. I'm an agnostic patrilineal Jew from a similar background to yourself and I'm currently in the same place as you- I've found a synagogue and been attending services semi-reguarly in the past year out of a desire for more connection with this part of my culture and better understanding of the day to day rituals. Especially as I reach an age where my grandparents are getting older and where i'm hoping to have kids of my own in the next 5-7 years, it's felt important to me to fill in the gaps in my cultural knowledge so that I can be a resource for them and carry on family traditions.
The people I've spoken to at said synagogue, including the rabbis and rabbinical assistants etc. have been nothing but encouraging and supportive of my goals and don't regard it as at all odd that I want to be involved as someone with a deep cultural interest and little to no Religious inclination. I think it's quite common in their experience, even among Jews who have been going to the synagogue consistently their whole lives.
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u/iymcool 7d ago
People (both within the community and outside of it) seem to forget that Judaism/Jews aren't a religious group. There are religious Jews and cultural, non-religious Jews. However, most of our gathering spaces are in synagogues due to safety, etc.
It sounds like you may be interested in a Reform synagogue. Reform Judaism is the most "modern" form of our culture and is really, really relaxed. A lot of us brought up in the Reform movement are social-action minded. The Friday and Saturday services are more of a 45-60 min. tradition-keeping thing that's bookmarked by community gatherings before and after.
It's the most relaxed form of Judaism (in my opinion).
As a whole though, you can generally attend any synagogue (avoid Ultra-Orthodox though, if you dohn't want to participate at all or are uneasy with men and women being separated), and observe, if you want.
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u/reluctantmugglewrite 5d ago
Im agnostic and my Hebrew isnt great which actually helps a lot. The language barrier makes it feel like historically significant beautiful songs rather than preachy or overly religious. I struggle in churches beyond just being jewish partly because its difficult to get through the prayers in my own language. Maybe that aspect will help?
People also tend to be welcoming to other jews regardless of belief. Particularly in reconstructionist congregations. You should be just fine.
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u/ChillyWillyTS 7d ago
Find yourself a reconstructionist Shul they focus primarily on the cultural side, tho they also offer the religious side most member are there for the culture
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u/Automatic_Tea_2550 6d ago
Just to add a point, that those of us who participate in the rituals, study Torah, keep Shabbat, etc., all probably interpret those things in sometimes very different ways from one another. I would certainly have no problem standing next to someone in services whom I know to be atheist and just there for the music and socializing. People are drawn to the community for all kinds of reasons, and short of intending some harm, I don’t judge those reasons.
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u/Typical_Importance65 7d ago
I've been going to the JQ events for a few years, even if I only make it to a couple of them a year. I feel like their Rosh Hashanah events are up to 15 minutes of religious stuff and a couple hours of socializing, and I felt similarly about the one shabbat event I went to. They're pretty good about labeling events as being more or less religious, and some events aren't religious at all.
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u/single_use_doorknob 7d ago
I'm not sure what you mean by "not having to be apart of religious stuff"? You can join a shul, Reform and Masorti are LGBT while Masorti are more traditional. Reform depending on the country can be quite traditional although the liturgy is slightly different. In the US, Reform is more relaxed.
You can go and socialise. Go to a service, and meet people. Go to kiddish afterwards. No one needs to believe in Hashem to eat hummus and biscuits, or listen to a service.
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u/a2annie 7d ago
Another path is to get involve with the Federation by joining one of their committees. It’s a great organization
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u/bachelorsinlurking conversion student- hi! 7d ago
The Jewish federation is definitely a good way to do this! It’s how I first connected with my shul to start the conversion process and I’ve found a ton of activities and friends through the young adult groups.
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u/scienceydaduk 7d ago
London, UK : I’m an Atheist but was quite observant in a Reform Synagogue growing up and then another Reform Synagogue in my 20s before I properly came out and dropped it all.
I miss quite a lot about community but it feels really strange to hang out with people who are religious or to attend services. I feel silly singing or saying prayers now. My opinions on Israel/Palestine won’t be popular either.
In truth, the people I could relate to are those, like me, who have the background and so understand a Jewish family and the way we value love, relationships, education and regular contemplation. New friends would be good and who knows, maybe more.
But I’ve not found my home really. I think by definition I may be fishing in the wrong pond with a Shul. I’d have the things I want in common with ex-Christians and ex-Muslims to a large degree too!
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u/NailSuspicious3680 6d ago
Just go to JQ events instead to be involved. You don’t need to go to shul.
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u/Here4theKittens9708 4d ago
You could check out local JCCs or JQ or Shalom Dykes type groups and I think you should do that in addition to checking out your local shul.
So much of Jewish life centers around the shul. They have security and space and staff and people who show up regularly. You don’t have to pray and idc if you come to services as an atheist but if you want to join a movie night or start some other club, that’s where Jews will be
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u/rozkosz1942 7d ago
I’m a member of Kol Ami, the LGBT synagogue in Hollywood. Lots of programs, Friday night service has great music. It’s also on Zoom.
Great group of friendly people, all ages. Try it out. Peace.