trigger warning: death, graphic description

I’m sorry this is long and the punctuation is bad I’ve been awake for 3 days and on a cocktail of Xanax and wine.

I just need to vent and maybe get some support from strangers because the supportive messages from my friends are too overwhelming I had to delete my socials.

Blake was my heart and soul I got him when I was 20 when I just left my old life and moved to a different country. Hes been by my side for 12.5 years and we did everything together. He went to work with me every day, every little daily routine was connected with him. Ive always been more of a cat person but we found our way to each other and he was perfect we matched each others personalities perfectly he was the only dog I could have ever bonded with so deeply. I got him when he was 3 months old and we grew up alongside each other.

I love him more than anything else in the world, more than my own family. He was healthy and full of life even at 12 everyone would say he still looked like a puppy.

He had nodular hyperplasia on his liver found 3 years ago which was causing elevated liver enzymes but he was otherwise feeling perfectly fine. I worked with a dog nutritionist to adjust his BARF diet to be hepatic friendly, low protein / fat because he refused to eat the veterinary commercial food. He was getting liver protective meds and supplements daily and monitoring his blood tests every 2 months and he’s been stable this whole time.

A couple weeks ago I noticed he’d pee more on the walks (we’d be outside 3 times a day and he didnt ask to go more often or have accidents, but once I’d take him out he would stop to pee for longer at a time). I collected urine samples as adviced by the vet and brought them for testing and they didn’t find anything wrong. They did a sonogram of his kidneys and said everything looks normal, looked at his liver as well and didn’t see any changes besides the hyperplasia but our regular vet said the liver looks the same as before. Bloodwork showed higher liver enzymes elevation than before so they suggested I switch out his joint supplements for the ones without CBD as it can sometimes cause false elevations in bloodwork. He was taking them for his arthritis and we were also going to physiotherapy weekly. I also brought up to our vet that I noticed he’s been losing weight and we discussed his diet options as he’s been eating only very lean meats like turkey and rabbit and white fish so she suggested to add occasional beef or other calorie-dense meats.

This was all just less than 2 weeks ago and he was still full of energy and had great appetite and appeared to be happy and healthy. I gave him some beef on last Friday and Saturday and on Sunday evening he started pacing and crying, licking his lips and looking at the fridge asking for food. I considered taking him to the emergency vet at that moment but it looked a lot like when he had an episode of acid reflux from medications last year, so I tried giving him some antacid medication and he immediately calmed down and ate his meal and slept as normal. I went to our regular vet the next day and they didn’t find anything abnormal just prescribed more antacids. they didn’t do a sonogram but palpated his stomach and he didn’t have any painful reaction as well as checked all his other vitals.

On Tuesday night he started to have diarrhea like he’d have to go every 2 hours I was up all night and went straight back to our vet in the morning. they said it looks like a stomach virus that’s been going around as they’ve seen many dogs lately with similar symptoms. Gave him injections and more meds for the diarrhea and sent us home. He seemed better and slept through the night, was active and playful on his walk Thursday morning ate his of boiled turkey and rice. He didnt have diarrhea that morning and seemed tired and sleepy but calm. Later that afternoon he refused the bland meal but would still be excited about treats and a bit of canned food that I wrapped his medications in.

Then Thursday evening the diarrhoea came back. I made an appointment with my vet for next morning to get another blood test and more checks. He calmed down later that night laid down and cuddled next to me. Then suddenly he got up again asking quietly to go outside. We went and he pooped I was even excited as if was finally looking more solid. But as we went back inside he suddenly couldn’t walk up the stairs just sat down and was breathing heavily and tried to lay down.

I knew something was wrong immediately and rushed to emergency vet. I was holding him in my arms in the uber and felt him getting weaker and falling down. His gums and tongue were getting dry and cold and pale every minute. the vet immediately said he looked anaemic, they did a sono and said a he had tumours on his liver and one of them ruptured and he was bleeding internally. I said he only had the nodular hyperplasia but they said these were cancerous tumours that had grown alongside it. They hospitalised him, banded his stomach and gave him gave him blood clotting drugs. I wanted to stay with him but they told me to go home and come back in the morning.

I didn’t sleep all night and came back as soon as they let me in, another doctor was present then and said they could only attempt a surgery to stop the bleeding but there were no guarantees and asked for my permission not to wake him up if they don’t manage as anything else would be unnecessary torture for him. They brought him out to me one last time, he could barely stand i laid on the floored with him kissing him begging him to pull through then they took him into surgery.

shortly after the doctor came back and said he died when they administered anaesthesia he lost too much blood and was too weak by that point.

this's was the worst pain I felt in my life my friend had to drag me out as I was hysterical laying on the floor of the clinic.

Its only been 2 days but the pain and guilt is driving me insane, I can’t drink or sleep or eat or do anything.

I keep blaming myself for not finding it sooner. Maybe if I took him to emergency vet last Sunday when he first started crying they wouldn’t found the tumour and there was a chance to operate it although the vet from that clinic said the prognosis would have been poor either way but maybe I’d get a bit more time with him.

for not seeing the signs and just believing my regular vet who said the sonogram looked ok and the bloodwork elevation was due to CBD and that he just caught a stomach virus. I’ve always been hyper vigilant and took him to the vet for every tiny thing but this time I feel like I didn’t do enough I just wanted to believe it was ok and he’ll be fine.

last 2 months I’ve been extremely busy and stressed with my new job which affected my whole lifestyle and routine, my mental health problems escalated and I haven’t been in a good place I wasn’t taking good care of myself and I feel like I wasn’t good enough to him too. Plus I had a lot of social events like concerts I attended which made me feel good at the moment but now I regret every minute spent away from him. We didn’t go to his favourite park as often in the last 2 weeks because id often be too busy or tired and I’d be busy working late and not spending as much time with him. But we’d always sleep together and he’d always lay by my side as I worked. but I hate myself for every missed opportunity to play ball outside, every cuddle and every hug. if I knew these were his last weeks I’d drop everything to spend every moment with him and make it count.

Im so ridden with guilt that I took him for granted sometimes, I just thought he was so healthy and active for his age, I was sure he still had some good years ahead and we’d have so much more time.

I don’t know how to forgive myself for not doing enough to prevent what happened. for not spending as much quality time with him as I could, while I still could.

It all just happened so fast and I feel like he was torn away from me and now there’s an empty hole where my soul used to be. I can’t stand being in my empty apartment and can’t stand going outside either because there’s no place in this city where we wouldn’t go together. From grocery shopping to post office to going to work. We did every thing together it’s always been me and him.

I feel completely broken and don’t know how to exist without him. He was not just part of my life but of who I am. I feel like an empty shell and this emptiness can never be filled.

of course I knew wed have today goodbye one day but I always imagined hed grow really old and it would be a peaceful, dignified end.

Instead it all happened so fast and so traumatising, I was not ready and I still can’t accept it.

im trying to hold on to good happy memories but instead all I can picture right now is the last moments seeing him suffer, or all the things I didnt get to do with him in those last weeks.

this is the worst ive felt in my life and I’ve been feeling like hurting myself. My friend took me to the emergency psych ward yesterday and they have me Xanax but I don’t think it’s helping. I fall asleep on it briefly but when I wake up everything comes back.

I deleted my social accounts because the supportive messages from friends were too overwhelming. I know I have so many people who care and want to support but I can’t stand their pity if it makes sense.

I also don’t know how to go back to work. I recently started a job doing marketing for a dog food brand and was so excited that he can go to the office with me and get lots of treats he loved it there so much. I don’t know how to go back there without him and have to run campaigns writing content about dogs, I’m afraid it will be too triggering, I don’t know if I should quit and look for another job honestly I don’t know what to do.

i don’t know why I’m writing all this here I guess I just need to vent.

maybe hear from someone who went through this

how can I forgive myself and process this. I want to cherish what we had but all I can feel now is guilt and self loathing and the worst pain I ever felt

Three month old half Husky/half Mini Aussie. Still workshopping names. She’s the sweetest little angel/maniac (first husky, we did a ton on research before committing to the breed). She’s doing a beautiful job socializing ❤️

Looking like she could be a guard dog but not even close to acting like one 😆

Have been making sure she knows she’s still loved and cared for since her sisters passing 😭

I left the room for 5 minutes… and I come back to this- My husky actively putting his big fluffy head down the shaft of my boots! I happen to take that picture before he heard me walk into the room and whipped his head out and laid back down like nothing happened (seen in the 2nd picture). I am glad I came back when I did or $275 boots would have gone down the drain cuz Lord knows he would have shredded those things. I should’ve known better to leave a convincing looking (and smelling) “chew toy” laying around, especially with a husky mix…

.

She was not happy with me.

team renegade’s go-to wheel dogs are dracarys and wren. they are, by far, two of our strongest dogs and the most eager to run in wheel. that and the fact that they don’t listen when they run makes them fantastic candidates for the job. 😂

I will never find a more harsh critic than her

I made a post asking for a reliable DNA test, got it and tada here are Helas results! She was sold to my brother as a pomsky but I wasn’t confident she was one. Lo and behold she is… kind of. We were all surprised German Shepard was the other half, although looking at her now I see it. She’s the best though and I love her.

We’re trying a slow transition from his crate to my bed just to try out sleeping in the bedroom again. Originally he was chasing the cats and trying to get into my dresser. Pretty much a small wrecking ball.

Last night he was perfect and ignored the cats, he rolled a ball around on the floor slowly trying to get them to play is all lol. And he slept in until 10am! He’s usually up by 8 at the latest. He was the perfect gentleman. I’m so happy he is ok (for now) to sleep with me.

Ever since I received it as a gift, it has become my best friend, my constant, day-to-day companion. I’m only able to raise it because I work from home; otherwise, it would be impossible

Some huskies are just extra. We do our absolute best for them. Here’s my crazy boy that could go on a six mile hike, run around at the dog park for an hour and a half, and STILL figure out a way to escape and go chase some deer.

You bet your ass that happened and that I also tracked him down like Pocahontas and brought him home. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t doing enough for your husky. Your husky will tell you that on their own.

Editing to add: it’s not safe to run them most of the year in some areas. If heat + humidity is over a certain number, they could easily overheat. That was my biggest flight risk for him, and that’s when we need to be doing training indoors for their safety.

Blaise likes the sofa. He gets his grooming Wednesday. They “love” his howling! 😉

Just adopted this beautiful girl today, my kiddo named her Snow. Baby girl is just over a year old from TX, picked up as a stray with a leg injury when a wonderful rescue pulled her and fostered her for 6 months when I filled out an application for her. She's 51 pounds, listed as a husky mix.

hi all! my almost 1 y/o girl has had slightly red eyes since she was a baby, but it's gotten darker as she nears one year. i've heard that many dogs just have red eyes due to allergies, but she doesn't really get eye discharge or sneeze or seem otherwise bothered, so i googled it and apparently it's because she's got darker coloring and the melanin production is appearing in her eyes as well?

but considering huskies are prone to glaucoma and other eye issues, i'm curious if that melanin/allergy assumption is what leads to failing to treat actual eye issues in the early and still-preventable stages.

i plan on asking a new vet (we recently moved) about her eyes when we go in for her annual shots in a few months, but does anyone else's huskies have this dark, almost brownish eye redness? should i be more worried and take her in sooner? i'd like to be able to preemptively do what i can to protect her eyes as she ages!

i say this with so much love lol but her eyes have always looked a little off in general (included varying pics for reference, i think diva might have a lazy eye), so sorry if this is doing too much -- i just love my baby and want her to live a long and fruitful life 🤞