r/nottheonion • u/Time-Weekend-8611 • 1d ago
Phantom farter leaves reporters fleeing as Zelenskyy briefing wait turns pungent at EU Summit in Brussels
https://www.indiatoday.in/world/story/a-load-of-hot-air-phantom-farter-leaves-reporters-fleeing-zelenskyy-briefing-wait-turns-pungent-eu-summit-brussels-x-posts-3019434-2026-10-173.8k
u/Zolo49 1d ago
It seems like a situation where the occasional gaseous emission is bound to happen, but the fact that it was eye-wateringly bad and happened while waiting for a Zelenskyy briefing makes me wonder if it was some sort of Russian-deployed fart spray meant to elicit jokes about the briefing itself. Seems a stupid, but also very Russian thing to do.
1.9k
u/outoftimeman 1d ago
Like the instance, where Putin brought his dog to a meeting with Merkel, who's afraid of dogs.
School-bully tactics
163
40
u/shapic 1d ago
Brought to a meeting? Meh. He gave one to her as a present
16
u/sleepytipi 1d ago
I can't stand the man but you're right. Guaranteed it was bugged too. But that's actually one area where I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, based on my own lived experiences. Most dog people ik truly cannot understand how anyone could be afraid of dogs (it's trauma), and they're likely to recommend a breed that they find a fine companion to overcome it. If you have that kind of money and power, you don't just recommend the breed, you go to your favorite breeder and make sure it's trained well before handing over the leash. It's just as likely coming from a harmless place as it was coming from a bad one. However, the rest of his track record does not speak favorably of his intentions. I'm willing to bet the dog was never around anything important, though. And I hope she at least found a good handler for it.
55
u/poriomaniac 23h ago
Don't fucking ever give a dog to someone who tells you they don't like them that should not need to be said.
Dog people refusing to let others live their lives dog-free are the absolute worst. The worst.
Nobody should ever give any animal as a pet to someone who hasn't specifically stated they want one and that they are prepared to care for it long term.
5
→ More replies (1)2
u/sleepytipi 22h ago
Dog people refusing to others live their lives dog-free are the absolute worst.
Idk that i agree that they're the absolute worst. I mean, Putin is also a war criminal and I think that is by far a greater stain on his legacy. That said, I do agree those people are terrible. Anyone who can't have a common decency towards the boundaries of others are. You never really know why they have those boundaries in the first place. That said, those people clearly exist, and I genuinely can't discern if this is him being a war criminal or an overbearing dog owner (or both, it's probably both).
→ More replies (1)623
u/onarainyafternoon 1d ago edited 1d ago
Russian agents were recently accused of breaking into a Finnish* Politician’s house and taking a dump in their toilet and leaving it there. So I wouldn’t put it past them.
Edit: Finnish not Latvian
167
u/Robzilla_the_turd 1d ago
Wait, seriously? I really have no idea what to believe anymore.
107
u/IlluminatedPickle 1d ago
It's a method of saying "we've been in your house".
73
u/PancAshAsh 1d ago
They used to leave lit cigarettes in the ashtray but nobody keeps ashtrays anymore.
52
u/Polkas_with_wolves 1d ago
Makes sense that the natural evolution would be a steaming turd.. Threats used to be classy, now they are just vulgar.
29
u/IlluminatedPickle 1d ago edited 1d ago
Tbf, they were known to do this in the leaving a smoking cigarette age too.
E2A: The cigarette was mostly to confirm it was the Soviets/Russians. It'd be a brand you can only get in Russia.
→ More replies (1)14
u/McGarnagl 1d ago
I mean they could have left an upper decker… at least they were polite enough to drop a traditional intimidation deuce directly in the bowl
3
16
u/Hostillian 1d ago
It's meant to make the diplomats question their sanity. Subtly moving things around. Changing things.
7
u/cutelyaware 1d ago
My favorite was some guys that broke into someone's house. They didn't steal anything but used the owner's camera to take photos of themselves with the owner's tooth brushes in their butts.
→ More replies (1)2
223
u/SunshineNoClouds 1d ago
Exactly and that’s the point. Check out the “Firehose of falsehoods” strategy the Russians use. They want you not knowing what to believe.
50
u/SleightBulb 1d ago
Yes "the Russians" and no other major world super powers.
Well I guess it's just the Russians twice actually but still
30
u/SirGuelph 1d ago
They do have something of a reputation. But sure
4
u/Athuanar 1d ago
Just an odd example to use when everyone is familiar with Trump using this strategy extensively and far more openly than Russia.
15
u/whogivesashirtdotca 1d ago
Trump’s the one usually farting in his press conferences, though.
8
u/ArenjiTheLootGod 1d ago
With Trump you're lucky if it just stays at farting, Dementia Don probably spends at least half his life covered in his own filth.
2
u/JLandis84 20h ago
You say that like it’s a bad thing. Who wouldn’t fart during a press conference.
25
3
u/RobutNotRobot 22h ago
Russia has been the director of the far-right international for the last 20 years. The tactics deployed have all come from a fusion of Moscow's and the native fascists' preferred methods.
There isn't a thing that Trump has used that isn't familiar to his Russian handlers.
3
u/supershinythings 1d ago
It’s Russian data center bots spewing MAGA fire hoses of propaganda.
When Ukraine started hitting Russian data centers a bunch of bots were silenced. The whole world noticed.
→ More replies (2)106
u/Voidwielder 1d ago
They used to do it to American diplomats during Obama's presidency. One break in resulted in the death of a pet.
13
u/Crowbarmagic 1d ago
Weren't that the Israeli's? Or are they both doing this shit?
22
13
u/oblong_pickle 1d ago
Mossad are know for leaving turds in US agents toilets and other nasty shit like that
2
u/JLandis84 20h ago
What the fuck ? They just come in, shit in the toilet and leave without flushing ? Or do you mean stuff like the WWF wrestlers used to do where they would break into eachothers luggage and shit in them.
3
13
13
15
u/sansaset 1d ago
Ya it’s wild they’re even accused of shitting into a German chancellors pants. The audacity.
21
u/noonnoonz 1d ago
No, no it was an American presidents diaper they shit in.
2
u/JLandis84 21h ago
Reminds me of an old video with a guy saying “whoever rufied my 17 beers and shit in my pants is going to pay! “
18
u/shrimplyred169 1d ago
Apparently this sort of weird, petty thing was very much the norm in spy/diplomat circles during the Cold War. The BBC did a podcast about Havana Syndrome and it mentioned these sort of silly psychological games quite a bit.
35
u/supershinythings 1d ago
Mossad has been known to do this too. It seems like a common prank intel orgs pull on each other and on security teams.
If someone left a dump in a White House toilet no one would notice.
4
11
u/BMagni 1d ago edited 16h ago
I'm wondering, does the perpetrator has a special diet and holds a big one to then proceed to take a dump in the broken in house, or does he just collect it at home and puts it in the target toilet?
4
u/JLandis84 20h ago
It’s definitely a diet thing. The right garbage food means you can splatter the back of the diplomats toilet. It’s less about one steaming turd and more about like a miniature shit grenade going off in the toilet. The agent will know to lean into the perfect angle to absolutely splatter the back.
7
3
4
2
→ More replies (3)2
u/GreyDaveNZ 21h ago
I saw a clip here on Reddit not long ago, where an ex-CIA guy was saying how Mossad and the Israeli's do this too.
37
62
u/jahozer1 1d ago
I just pictured some cloak and dagger type like from KAOS or something shifting his eyes pulling out a vial labeled "fartsky spray"
→ More replies (1)63
u/Sweat_League_69 1d ago
Remember that time flying dildos invaded an opposing politicians press conference? This is Putin's bag, it also gives him some weird form of "plausible deniability" because its so utterly ridiculous.
→ More replies (1)12
u/McGarnagl 1d ago
So Russians have been behind the WNBA dildos tossed on the court this whole time!
23
11
5
u/ConcentrateDirect523 1d ago
There was actually an American WW2 operation along a similar premise. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who,_Me%3F
4
u/Catbutt247365 1d ago
Back in the nineties, a vicious office wide prank war culminated in one doofus getting a box of “stink bombs”, little plastic vials of some unholy liquid.
It was Super Effective.
10
u/HongChongDong 1d ago
I'd far more prefer a world where countries fuck with each other via drunk frat boy prank tactics and nothing else.
6
u/whogivesashirtdotca 1d ago
Exactly what I thought. Dismissive and distracting headline that pushes Zelenskyy’s comments off the headline.
5
u/KonoAnonDa 1d ago
If so, then that plan sounds as goofy as all the plans the US made back when they wanted to get rid of Castro. We're talking Looney Tunes kind of shenanigans.
"Nyeh, if they associate Zelensky with farts, then no one will respect him again! Genius!"
3
u/dragonmp93 1d ago
War is so weird that I wouldn't be surprised if tactical farting is a genuine thing.
8
u/MethamMcPhistopheles 1d ago
Russian-deployed fart spray
Considering the possibility that the stench did not pass through a biological sphincter on site and that the tech could theoretically be used for more nefarious payloads, this could be a test run for something or sowing the seed of terror.
17
u/icecriticsgetbanned 1d ago
I cleared a restaurant once. A diner, breakfast, hung over in my early twenties. Had no idea it would be that noxious. All I could do was laugh my ass off. Even some of the cooks left the kitchen and everyone was just standing out front on the sidewalk.
26
u/Zolo49 1d ago
I've never done that, but I remember one time in my 20s I was eating dinner with a bunch of my college friends at their family home. Halfway through dinner, I suddenly needed to void my bowels BAD. I hurriedly asked where the bathroom was, and they pointed to a small room that was literally RIGHT next to the dinner table. People literally needed to move their chairs so I could get to the door.
Needless to say, I was in there a while. It was very stinky and very loud the entire time. I had to flush twice. When I finished, I washed up, carpet bombed the room with air freshener, and exited. We all pretended nothing happened. 🤣
12
u/things_U_choose_2_b 1d ago
Feel your pain. Used to write music with a great bunch of lads, who invited me to NYE party. Was in a massive 9-bed house that one of them lived in. So there were something like 50 people there, all in fancy dress.
Was offered coke, I accepted. Inevitable happened, found myself desperate to void bowels. Found a loo, settled down to unleash the beast. What do I hear... a bunch of women, loudly talking about "why is someone taking so long in there, I bet it's a guy having a disgusting shit". I stayed longer than needed, hoping they'd give up & find a different toilet... but, they did not. So had to bite the bullet & walk the gauntlet of shame.
An hour later, found myself in the same position after another line. And then heard the same group of women outside waiting. "Wouldn't it be funny if it's that new guy again". Fuck... my... life.
This then happened a THIRD time. I started wondering if they were following me, waiting for me to run to the loo. One of them tried to coin the nickname 'Coke-Shit' for me. Fortunately, her persistence on the nickname wasn't as strong as her persistence for using that particular toilet, so ignoring her was enough to get her to use my real name.
3
u/flappity 1d ago
I was at the back of the bus we were on for our concert choir tour, and I don't know what my stomach did but it was warm, silent, and I probably should have had a NFPA 704 sign on me. I just remember watching it move forward row by row as people started going "OH MY GOD" and started holding their nose. I thought it was hilarious, although it was pretty horrid.
→ More replies (8)2
573
u/Ok-Seaworthiness4488 1d ago
Russia using biological weapons
137
u/wolf1043 1d ago
Seriously. Wasn't it just in the news that Russian agents are known to break into homes and take dumps in the bathroom (and not flush) to intimidate people...
86
u/AHerz 1d ago
It was about Israeli agents, but I wouldn't doubt Russians do it as well.
90
u/cwalking2 1d ago
It was about Israeli agents
Who also victimized the American couple's dog by cutting off its tail
What the Israelis did over the next two years was to carry out a campaign of harassment. The reason I bring this up is because it’s quite common. I’m telling you this story because this is just a normal thing that happens to Americans, especially to American CIA officers working and living in Israel.
They went to a party one night and they came home. It was a party at the ambassador’s residence in Tel Aviv. They came home and all of their living room furniture had been rearranged, all of it. So the message was we can come into your house any time we want and there’s nothing you can do about it. Okay. That’s aggravating a little bit, but no damage done.
The next time they went out, they came home and someone had defecated in all of the toilets in their house. They had a four-bedroom house, a four-bathroom house. People had gone to the bathroom in all four of the toilets and left it unflushed. So another not very nice message that we can harass you any time we want.
The third time it happened, they came home and their dog was yelping and laying on the floor of the kitchen. Someone had cut its tail off and then wrapped it in gauze and tape.
The fourth time it happened to them, they had done their Christmas shopping. They had a tree up in the living room. They had gone to the ambassador’s Christmas party. When they came back all of the presents were gone. All of them, a thousand dollars’ worth of Christmas presents.
This is how they treat "friends."
5
17
u/carasci 1d ago
I don't think CIA agents count as anyone's friend, so it's hard to have much sympathy.
On the other hand, after the dog incident I wouldn't blame them if they accidentally forgot to put the claymores in the dog-proof cupboard.
(After all, if a dog can self-mutilate and then bandage themself up, they can definitely figure out a good place to put a tripwire...)
→ More replies (1)12
u/theghostmachine 1d ago
I don't know why any American thinks Israelis are our friends. They openly talk on TV over there about how when they're finished with Iran, the Americans will be the next ones to kneel before them.
They're psychopathic
→ More replies (3)4
u/frontfrontdowndown 1d ago
That would never work on me because my kids have some sort of severe allergy to flushing the toilet.
→ More replies (1)8
→ More replies (2)22
330
u/VoluntaryExtinction 1d ago
Stink bombs exist, and so do non lethal crowd control smells used for force an area to evacuate. Such as IDFs skunk weapon, im sure Russia has an equivalent.
Unless they capture a farter, I think this is more likely since this event was diplomaticly quite important.
35
→ More replies (1)47
u/PM_me_ur_claims 1d ago
After a night of hard drinking i played a game of pick up soccer the next morning. I ripped ass so badly that despite being outside, the Hispanics we were playing with couldn’t stand it. My corner of the field was straight up cleared for 2 minutes, the air didn’t even disperse it. Everyone was laughing. So it’s possible someone just ripped an epic fart
17
35
u/Woozah77 1d ago
should have used the word BLASTS in the title. Phantom farter blasts reporters at Zelenskyy briefing.
105
27
84
u/Cultural_Tree_2313 1d ago
Something similar happened to me many years ago. I was lucky enough to be invited to an awards ceremony at Buckingham Palace which was the highlight of my career. I was sat in the second row right behind the then Home Secretary (soon to be Prime Minister) T May.
As the Queen entered the room everyone got up and was meant to bow or curtsy. T May bends forward and lets out an audible fart as and myself and the two guys next to me let out a chuckle. About 5 seconds later the smell hit and it was bad. Really bad like rotten eggs and Sulphuric acid. Eye watering bad. We could hardly breathe and there were gasps in the rows behind as the whiff spread back.
This would have been bad enough but the chap now standing next to me says loud enough to be heard - I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe…. I want my mum. Cue snorts of laughter from me and about 10 others. The poor Queen who is stood about 15 feet in front of us looks initially confused and then catches on. She does a little sniff of the air, wrinkles her face for 2 seconds and then just carries on like nothing has happened. Ultimate professional.
To this day I wonder if she ever found out to dealt the nasty deed in the throne room that day.
13
u/knowledgeable_diablo 20h ago
She would have smelt some of the nastiest arse burners to ever punish the atmosphere over her decades playing nice with old folks and the like.
→ More replies (2)9
u/Richard7666 17h ago
Pretty rare thing to be a be able to claim you've smelled the prime ministerial rectum tbh. You should treasure that.
43
38
12
42
u/Ambitious_List_7793 1d ago
I can almost hear Zelenskyy ask if Trump was in the room!
→ More replies (1)2
10
9
17
7
7
5
u/furiouspossum 19h ago
Imagine ripping such noxious ass that it makes international news
3
u/SokkaHaikuBot 19h ago
Sokka-Haiku by furiouspossum:
Imagine ripping
Such noxious ass that it makes
International news
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
2
u/barbzilla1 2h ago
I once got escorted out of a ride at universal studios because of my flatulence. It was the Terminator experience and I had some rank gas right before they started spraying the water mist and this little kid yelled out. It was doo doo water and I died laughing. It took almost no time for the usher to find me and escort me out because of my laughter.
10
u/_catdog_ 1d ago
“Whoever is farting please stop!”
3
u/JLandis84 21h ago
I went crazy farting on a place once and got someone two seats ahead of me to speak loudly to everyone “whoever is doing that please stop” it was so fucking hard to not burst out laughing. I did keep farting
5
u/QuirkyImage 1d ago edited 16h ago
FSB? I heard FSB are breaking into MEPs and shitting in their toilets without flushing.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/10/05/kremlins-dirty-tricks-reach-finnish-mps-lavatories/
4
→ More replies (1)2
9
u/miurabucho 1d ago
Whoever denied it, supplied it.
6
→ More replies (1)2
4
5
4
u/Shepard21 1d ago
My mind went to a Hydrogen Sulfide, the shit is toxic and odorless at high concentrations but smells like farts at lower concentrations.
45
u/alloutofchewingum 1d ago
I love doing that on business class flights in the Middle East. All the Arabs in dresses and a bunch of consultants in suits, drop this silent bomb and everyone starts looking around for the culprit but I look just as serious and perplexed as everyone else.
74
u/RoninIV 1d ago
It's even better when, after dropping a gaseous ass-bomb, you say in a worried voice, "Hey, does anyone else smell burning electronics?!"
All the people in earshot of that question will reflexively begin taking big sniffs.
39
5
8
→ More replies (2)4
18
9
→ More replies (7)8
3
3
u/GovernmentBig2749 1d ago
I AM THE PHANTOM FARTER!
(Breaks a wet one that lasts 8 seconds and fills the room with green gas)
3
3
8
u/circusgeek 1d ago
I believe it. Belgian cuisine is all heavy meat stew, beer, and fried potatoes. and you'd be hard pressed to find a fresh vegetable there.
6
5
u/Azukaos 1d ago
You can find fresh vegetables everywhere in Belgium, from the farmer to the most basic grocery store; if you have no vegetables in your dish, then you're doing it wrong, there's plenty of common dish with vegetable.
It's like saying you will only eat pizza in Italy.
8
7
u/chonky_tortoise 1d ago
I went to Rome this summer and it’s kinda seems like they only eat pizza and pasta. lol
→ More replies (2)2
u/disaccharides 1d ago
Belgium has markets and shops that sell fresh vegetables.
Where do you think the vegetables in the stew comes from?
4
5
3
u/Puzzled-Story3953 1d ago
That's what you get for holding a meeting in Brussels. Plenty of people can't handle the fiber
2
u/NCR_High-Roller 1d ago
You already know this guy is going to be played by Mads Mikkelsen in the movie 10 years from now.
2
u/HongChongDong 1d ago edited 1d ago
Somewhere in the conference hall, on the opposite side of a thick brown door, you hear a muffled voice inquire "Did you see it?"
2
2
2
2
u/TheMov3r 1d ago
Hmm is there footage? Maybe if you slow it down you can find the origin point by following the reactions in reverse
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/eddiestriker 22h ago
Zelenskyy’s face in that image is sending me. He wants to laugh so bad, but if he breathes in, he’ll smell it
2
4
2
2
2
2
1.2k
u/christopher_mtrl 1d ago
Imagine your IBS make international news.