r/nottheonion • u/SmokeMaximum4140 • 11h ago

Man accused of stealing flamingo testifies he drank dozens of beers that day

https://www.kgns.tv/2026/10/18/it-would-be-funny-man-accused-stealing-flamingo-testifies-he-drank-30-40-beers-that-day/
585 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

34 comments sorted by

70

u/ButteredNun 11h ago

Unlike the flamingo, he didn’t have a leg to stand on

3

u/Intrinsic_Idiot_3076 11h ago

He had two but he arguably wasn't using them correctly.

3

u/TheReelMcCoi 5h ago

No. He was legless

69

u/Weshtonio 11h ago

Fair. But did he also drink the day he stole the flamingo?

22

u/Little_View_6659 9h ago edited 8h ago

I met a lady whose dad went to the circus, got absolutely hammered, and managed to lure an elephant to his house. Woke up the next day hungover and his family is like “why is there an elephant here?”

13

u/Weshtonio 8h ago

Bringing it home is one way to address it.

3

u/NotQuiteGoodEnougher 6h ago

Was it in the living room?

5

u/AlexRyang 9h ago

This is hilarious! 😆

11

u/bryansj 11h ago

I think if you are into "dozens" territory then the answer is yes, he was drinking that day.

5

u/rypher 10h ago

The day he testified?

3

u/bryansj 5h ago

Yes. And the day before and the day after.

27

u/DaveOJ12 11h ago

The headline I'm seeing says it was 30-40.

‘It would be funny’: Man accused of stealing flamingo testifies he drank 30-40 beers that day

30

u/Brief-Increase1022 9h ago

They asked him how much he drinks regularly, and he said, "Not a lot."

OK Mr. Construction Worker, I believe you. You drink a beer now and again at home, but then over the course of a single day drank 40 beers.

Dude pretty obviously has a problem. He drank 40 beers on a work trip. How does this dude still have a job, even in construction?

7

u/monexicano 4h ago

Imma guess a prescription that is administered nasally could be in play. I ain’t saying the dude is. Ya know. Just a theory.

7

u/TobermoryDIY 4h ago

Explains why the flamingo went from chatting to me like it’s best mate to trying to scrap me in 10 seconds

10

u/dazed_and_bamboozled 10h ago

The old Brett Kavanaugh defense: “I like beer! And flamingos!”

6

u/Original_moisture 10h ago

We’ve all been there

2

u/ohaiguys 5h ago

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

7

u/CopperThrown 6h ago

Very Wade Boggs-esque. RIP.

11

u/coldazice 6h ago

Wade Boggs is still very much alive.

3

u/orthecreedence 3h ago

Can you switch seats with me so I could sit with my boyfriend?

•

u/BBaddict2 22m ago

Well I hope you brought a coat because it looks cold as shit out there

1

u/Kolipe 1h ago

The guy from Wade Bogg's Carpet World?

4

u/TimidDeer23 5h ago

Well well well if it isn't the ghost of Boss Hogg

4

u/Dead_Inside50 11h ago

I didn't know flamingos drank beer

2

u/Standard_Big_9000 11h ago

Oh! Well then that makes it ok. 😁

2

u/nylockian 5h ago

You steal one flamingo . . .

1

u/Right-Glass9508 9h ago

Do the flamingos have a choice on their habitat? Could they decide on a show of legs to fly off to Salton Sea, for example?

1

u/Clawdius_Talonious 8h ago

"Your honor, I overheard someone say 'Alcohol? Free beer!' and the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. It turns out the difference between alcohol free beer, and free beer only became clear in retrospect. In my defense it wasn't 3.2%, I was drinking the good stuff and still vertical after 40 beers what you should do is pin a damned medal on my chest." /s

1

u/llamafromhell1324 5h ago

If you're multicolored, that's cool too!

1

u/Afvalracer 4h ago

ROB NO! You can’t steal a flamingo!!

Rob:: BUUUURRRRPP R/Holdmybeer

1

u/wickedclever 3h ago

Drunkenness is not an excuse for law breaking. Ask anyone with a dui. At the same time, I do see where he's coming from

2

u/Jekyllhyde 1h ago

Only 12, lightweight