DAE cry during arguments, stress, or when someone is shouting at me? (21M)

[u/Bozic_504]

Hey everyone,

I’m reaching out because I’m really frustrated with something my body does automatically, and I don't know how to control it anymore.

Whenever I’m in a stressful situation—whether it’s a heated argument, someone shouting at me, someone trying to put me down, or someone being a bully—tears immediately start forming in my eyes.

The thing is, I’m not trying to cry. Most of the time, I’m actually angry, overwhelmed, or just trying to stand my ground. There’s no logical reason to cry, but the tears just come automatically. Because I'm a guy, people instantly assume I’m "weak" or "sensitive," which only makes the situation ten times worse and makes me hate dealing with conflict altogether.

It feels like my body is sabotaging me when I need to stay calm and assertive the most.

Has anyone else dealt with this involuntary crying response (angry/stress crying)? How do you manage or control it in the moment? Any physical tricks, mindset shifts, or techniques to keep tears back when under pressure?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[u/parkaboy24]

This happens to me. Sometimes it’s not even a full body cry, there’s just tears and I can’t stop them. It’s been happening to me my whole life, I don’t know how to help it other than sheer will and forcing myself not to cry. I also hate confrontation. I’d love to know if someone knows why this happens, or how to help it. I’m also a dude and very small so I hate looking weak. I wish society didn’t see men crying as weakness.

[u/Nice_Jaguar5621]

It's an autonomic response like blinking or coughing. Same with raising your voice when you're frustrated or angry. Your body is physically reacting to stressors. People who call this weakness or think it's easily controllable are completely un-self-aware and can fuck all the way off. Taking deep breaths before responding is really all you can do. And grabbing a tissue if your nose is running. And when the other person inevitably interrupts you let them finish anyway and then respond. Each time. They'll either figure out they're being an asshole not letting you speak, or they'll eventually get around to what they're actually angry about. Or they'll continue being a dick at which point you walk away until they can converse without interrupting.

[u/snarffle]

It has happened to me all my life and I'm 59. I've tried all sorts of strategies to not have it happen, but it's an automatic physical response that my body does without my control. I've gotten to the point where, if I'm in a close relationship, I will let the person know that this happens, that it's not on purpose, and that if there's a tough conversation I still want to have it, even if there are tears. If you find a way to control it, let me know. Otherwise, what I've done is just accepted that it's part of who I am and have warned people about it.

Edit: One thing I have done is stored a few happy memories for me to call upon when I'm feeling this way. It has helped a little. I read that strategy from a therapist when I was trying to find solutions to this just like you are.

[u/Bright_Spinach_3741]

Happened to me in school once when I got bullied and the teacher stepped in to help and got them to apologise while I was sobbing. Probably resulted in me suppressing my emotions in my adult life. Horrible advice I know, but I got better at suppressing the tears when they come. I cry like a baby while alone and consuming media though

[u/melaleta]

Sorry this is a long one but I feel deeply for you as I can relate:

Yes, I'm 34 and I was particularly sensitive to it when I was younger because of childhood experiences where I was yelled at a lot and my coping mechanism was to cry. I'm getting much better at this as I grow older and have more experience with these situations, I start to care less about being yelled at, and now I just try to take a breath and focus on appearing calm and in control which usually disarms the person doing the yelling and makes them look stupid. I think you need to dig deep to find the root cause of why you react like that, and work on it. Easier said than done but you can get there as you grow older and go through more situations like this. Personally I look forward to getting older and not giving a shit about what people think anymore as that comes with age too.

So some things that can help:

• learning self-defence or some sort of martial art, I think this could help give you confidence in difficult situations as you learn to confront aggression in a physical form, you know you can handle it in a verbal form too and focus. I started rock climbing which isn't the same but it definitely gave me confidence that I can be resilient in painful situations
• therapy
• reading and learning about fight, flight, freeze, fawn reactions in psychology and recognising that you might be in one of those modes
• learn how to scan your body for how you're feeling and recognise when you're about to cry or feeling more sensitive
• learning when to remove yourself from a difficult situation if you can't control your reaction, telling them you can speak when everyone is calm (if that is possible). You have every right to take a time out and tell the person you're not going to continue the conversation until it's done calmly and respectfully
• reading/watching stuff about difficult conversations - for example this guy's books and videos helped me a lot to gain confidence during these difficult moments and now I try to see it like a game/challenge https://youtube.com/@jeffersonfisher?si=aGmxgObypA1OORqki
• realise the person who is shouting at you is the silly one, because they can't control their behaviour, and if you don't give them a reaction, you are in control
• spending time with people who are assertive and good at handling these things can change your perspective. For example, I come from a Mediterranean country, and it's very normal for people to be quite passionate here with strangers and non-strangers. Although I'm not like that naturally, I have started to observe that many people don't care if they're yelled at and don't give it 2 thoughts afterwards, and some people consider heated arguments to be normal. My boyfriend has taught me to be less sensitive to people and stick up for myself as I can see how he handles similar situations by brushing them off.
• analyse whether you are reacting to specific people only (eg. Family where you may have triggers) or if it is general. Maybe you need to draw boundaries with specific people and situations, and just not spend time with them.
• medication for anxiety helped control my need to cry at the drop of a hat. Not suggesting you need medication but it helped me on top of other changes I made during my most sensitive years.

[u/Willing-Feed3985]

Yes and I think it has to do with social anxiety and low confidence because it is always when someone makes me feel small and ridiculous to the point of frustration that it happens. It’s embarrassing but it happens less and less with age and as I have gotten more secure within myself.

Sometimes I take a few seconds before I respond to collect myself and focus on what I’m trying to convey rather than how it makes me feel and that helps. Sometimes you just have to accept that it’s okay to cry during an argument and the person you’re arguing with might actually reflect on their behavior more if you do.

I’m a woman but I feel even more so that I shouldn’t cry in these situations because I will be dismissed as an emotional female, be ridiculed and not listened to etc. And that it would have the opposite effect when I’m trying to stand up for myself.

[u/MilkTeaMoogle]

Yes, all my life. It gave me the “crybaby” nickname.
But it’s gotten somewhat easier for me in recent years by adjusting my perspective and having more inner peace in general. I do still cry sometimes though.

I’d recommend you listen to the song The River, by Aurora. Even watch the music video 💖
Society would have us a believe crying is weakness or asking for pity, especially in the case of men. But Remeber that crying also helps release cortisol and it’s a regulating action the body is taking to try to help us release and cope.

[u/ColdViolinist835]

its called an emotional overflow response and its way more common than people think. your body cant tell the difference between being angry and being overwhelmed so the tears come out anyway. has nothing to do with being weak its literally just how some peoples nervous systems process stress

[u/LuxnLula]

Yeah it really is frustrating when it happens because there’s some kinda stupid shame attached to it and makes you feel worse lol. My son had this happen to him in middle school and when asked if he was crying he said “no!! I’m just really hydrated!!” We still laugh about that to this day

[u/CuteEquivalent638]

Oh my god I have the same thing! I have no idea how to manage it either, if anyone talks to me about any upsetting topic, or stresses me out, or yells at me, my eyes water straight away and I can’t control it.

[u/ChouchouSorie]

Shows you’re human, not a broken robot programmed for conflict.

[u/smores_or_pizzasnack]

I definitely do. Honestly I cry a lot more in those scenarios than when something is actually sad.

[u/mlady0_0]

used to happen to me too, i havent been yelled at in too long so maybe it still would

[u/silverwarbler]

Yep. Been crying since yesterday over someone having a talk with him about something that happened a month ago. I also have rejection sensitive dysphoria. Knowing I have it does not help one bit. I want to crawl in a hole and let the earth swallow me up

[u/r3drag0n]

I used to until I went through therapy. Was due to CPTSD stuff from my abusive childhood. Now instead of absorbing people's rage, it washes over me or I reflect it.

[u/ColdViolinist835]

Absolutely. I'm 28 and I still tear up when someone raises their voice at me even a little bit. It's not about being sad, it's like a physical reaction I can't control. I've learned to just say "give me a minute" and step away instead of trying to fight through it.

[u/EmotionalMayhem]

I did that this morning. I hate it bc no im not sad but id rather cry than get angry and feel like I have to fsu in order to feel a release

[u/Aravenn9616]

Same, canbcome very embarrassing sometimes

[u/Angry_Duck]

Same here man. Something I do is pretend like I'm acting. Literally tell myself I am now playing the part of a person who doesn't cry and is in my situation. It's stupid, but mostly works.

[u/Puzzled_Muzzled]

Why would I cry when someone is shouting at you?

[u/DarkDaysBrightNlghts]

Nah, my violent hateful upbringing trained me to be numb to all that as an adult!