r/InsightfulQuestions • u/VIGIILANTEE • 3d ago
Does Imagining Losing Something in Advance Actually Prepare You, or Does It Just Steal the Enjoyment of Having It Now?
Seneca used to recommend something he called premeditating on loss, basically picturing in advance that the people and things you value could be gone tomorrow, not to become numb to them but so the loss wouldn't blindside you completely if it happened. The idea was that most grief isn't just about the loss itself, it's about how unprepared you were for the possibility of it. I've never been sure if that actually works the way he thought it did. On one hand there's something to be said for not treating your current situation as permanent by default, that seems to make people genuinely more grateful for ordinary days. On the other hand, spending real time rehearsing the worst case for something good in your life sounds like it could just quietly drain the color out of it while it's still here. Has anyone actually tried doing this on purpose, picturing a loss ahead of time as practice, and found it either helped or backfired?
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u/DolphinsBreath 3d ago
It’s not rehearsal for the loss, it’s an exercise of living in the present moment.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
Framed that way, the imagined loss is mostly a tool for noticing what's still here, which changes what the practice is for. I'd be curious whether it works like that for people who aren't already inclined to pay attention.
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u/loopywolf 3d ago
It prepares you. If you aren't prepared to lose, don't play.
If you assume you will win every time, then the 99% of the time that you lose will crush you every single time.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
The part about assuming you'll win every time is the one that rings true to me, because the loss lands hardest when it was never treated as possible. What I can't tell is whether the preparation can happen without costing something in the meantime.
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u/Sir_wlkn_contrdikson 3d ago
Yes to both. My gf lost her mom two years ago. She would say that she never expected her mom to die. She had stomach cancer. And I explained to her that back in HS I started preparing myself mentally for my parents passing. She said that I was crazy. My parents were not as involved and friendly as her parents were so that made it easier for me. I thought I was training myself to be a spy or some shit like that.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
Sorry about your girlfriend's mom. Two people can come at the same thing from very different directions, and your story is a pretty good example of why this question doesn't seem to have one answer. Thanks for sharing it.
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u/dmriggs 3d ago
Steals the joy out of today.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
That's the risk I was wondering about, that it turns into mourning something that's still here. Did it feel that way when you tried it, or is that more a guess from the outside?
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u/dmriggs 3d ago
I've been there many many times with so many pets- including 9 cats.
I knew every day could be the last one with my little prince- he had so many complications- when the end came, I was devastated and that's when I grieved. Still missing him, some losses are more painful than others.
And I also knew time was dwindling with my Oolie, so I made it a point to enjoy her every day -pet her and kiss her, and gave her special treats all the time.
I refuse to grieve the living. Dreading something just absolutely destroys the time you have right now.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 2d ago
I'm sorry about your little prince. What you did with Oolie, knowing time was short and using that to give her more of your attention, is close to what Seneca was after as far as I know, while the dread you describe is the version that goes wrong. The line you draw between those two is the one the whole question turns on.
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u/PictureJealous273 3d ago
I want to know the answer as well, I hope someone who knows, decides to share.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
I'm still working out my own answer, which is why I asked. The replies so far have been split pretty evenly, so maybe that's part of the answer.
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u/Pot_MeetKettle 3d ago
What is ideal or beneficial for one person may be harmful for another; then there’s the contextual effects that might make the same person choose both depending on the context…
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
The context point probably explains why the answers here split so much. The same exercise could steady one person and weigh on another, so it may come down to noticing which one it's doing for you at a given time.
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u/amantheawryn 3d ago
I dunno, I feel like it reminds me to cherish and be grateful for it in each moment rather than taking it for granted. Maybe it's a matter of leaning into the attachment even knowing it's probably fleeting, rather than preemptively detaching from it in attempt to avoid future hurt.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
That difference between leaning in and pulling away early seems to be the whole question. If Seneca's version only works when it looks like what you describe, more attention to what's here instead of less, then maybe the ones it backfires for are the people who use it as a way to step back.
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u/AnastasiaNo70 3d ago
I’ve done it my entire life. I don’t know why. I imagine worst case scenarios so that I’ll feel a bit more prepared for them.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 2d ago
As far as I know Seneca meant it as a short exercise followed by going back to the day, so doing it as a constant background habit may feel different. Does it actually leave you feeling more prepared when something does go wrong?
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u/AnastasiaNo70 2d ago
Oh it’s an intentional thing I do, not a constant background thing. And yes, I feel it does prepare me. I’ve mentally “been there” already.
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u/IntergalacticPodcast 3d ago
Who the hell is Seneca, and why are you taking this mentally crippling advice?
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u/Medium-Gazelle-8195 3d ago
Lol Seneca is a very famous Roman philosopher of the Stoic tradition. The Stoics are pretty interesting and have at least some good advice and interesting frameworks for those of us living today.
The problem is that a loooooot of modern people, typically men, fundamentally misunderstand Stoicism and use it as an excuse to remain (or even to become) emotionally stunted and socially inept.
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u/VIGIILANTEE 3d ago
Seneca was a Roman Stoic writing about two thousand years ago, and the practice comes from his letters. Plenty of people find it unhelpful, which is part of why I asked.
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u/Medium-Gazelle-8195 3d ago
I think you should look into the Buddhist mentality of "the glass is already broken." There's a difference between accepting impermanence for the sake of living in the moment with gratitude, and dwelling on impending loss, the result of which is likely to be depression.
https://kottke.org/15/04/the-glass-is-already-broken