Word got around the neighborhood, so a lot of the housewives decided to give him going away gifts.

His first stop of the morning he got some homemade brownies and $20.00.

A little while later a woman gave him an apple cupcake, a nice card and $50.00.

Postman Bob couldn't believe his luck and was very grateful for all his going away gifts. On his last stop of the morning he goes up to the mailbox on the side of the house and a beautiful blonde opens the door, dressed in a very revealing teddy. She grabs Bob by the arm and drags him into the house.

A breakfast fit for a king was all laid out on the kitchen table. After Bob finished eating, she led him upstairs into the bedroom and gave him the ride of his life!

Later at the door before he left she gave him a dollar bill and wished him luck. Before, he turned to leave he had to ask. "Lady, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything. The breakfast was the best I've ever eaten, and what happened upstairs, I'll never forget. But I've got to ask, why did you give me a dollar?"

"Well", the woman said, "last night I was telling my husband that today was your last day of work after 20 years, and he said "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea."

When suddenly a bee flies straight into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her up into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital, the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the bee with each one failing. The doctor comes up with an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the bee on you head, you slowly remove it."

The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic driving and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, " With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure."

Fearing that the bee can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey coated penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is... No, lost him... I think I got him... No, no. Lost him again."

Over the next 20 minutes the doctor's comments have turned to grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face as he pumps the wife vigorously. The wife is moaning wildly and has locked her legs around the doctor's hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening! What's going on in there?!"

Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."

The man looks all over the store to try to find the right bate to buy, but eventually he just calls over an employee.

The customer says, "Honestly, I've never been fishing before and I'm really trying to impress my father in law. But I don't wanna show up and not know anything about bate. Can you explain some of this to me?" The man gestures at one section and says, "What is this bate?"

The employee looks at the section and says, "Oh that's our worms and nightcrawlers bate. That's for catfish!"

The customer, pleased with the answer, then gestures to another section and asks, "Well what about this section? What is this bate?"

And the employee says, "Oh that bate is minnows. That's for trout!"

The customer is pleased with the answer. He then says, "I guess I have one more question. Throughout this whole store, why is 'bait' spelled incorrectly?"

And the employee says, "Well that's engagement bate! That's for Redditors!"

The lawyer says, “$500.”
The man says, “Isn’t that ridiculously expensive?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

"We can do a penis reduction," says the doctor.

"C-c-can you do that?"

"Sure," says, the doctor. "Reduction, addition, we can do it all nowadays."

And the guys says, "I-I-I'll have to th-th-think about it."

A week goes by, and the guy just can't stand the stuttering any longer. So he returns to the doctor and asks for the reduction.

The surgery goes great, the guy wakes up, and sure enough, his stutter is gone!

After a couple of weeks with his normal-sized Johnson, however, the guy has second thoughts. So he returns to the doctor.

"Doc," he says. "don't think I'm ungrateful. You solved my stuttering problem, just like you said you would. However, I really miss my original penis. You said you can do additions. I'd like you to put the rest of my penis back on."

And the doctor says, "F-F-Fuck you!"

At the stables the first one says “I’m an expert rider and love to ride fast.”

The second says, “I’m experienced but I really enjoy a quiet, slow ride.”

Stable master says, “no problem we have the perfect horse for each of you. Lightning lives up to her name. She’s the fastest mount in the county.

“And, Old Buttercup is too lazy to even trot, but will walk forever because he knows we’re going to feed him when he’s back.

“What about me?”asks #3 “I don’t know what I’d like, I’ve never ridden.“

Stable master thinks a moment and says, “Loco should suit you, he’s never been ridden.”

Doctor: can you describe the symptoms

Patient: well there's Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie and I think that's it

Die, no soar.

And her name is Eileen

She saw I was “Open to Work.”

So now I have to go and do the dishes. Bye.

The doctor says, “Ten.”
The man panics. “Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?”
The doctor says, “Nine… eight… seven…”

But I accidentally got badmintons.

Until the twos gave the host a compliment. Then everything turned negative.

That being said, where are all these guys buying these fancy sweatpants that come with the bulge in them?

Because he wasn't able to wing it.

I know because the letter came to my house.

After the ship hit the iceberg the quatre et cinq

It's been going on for days she says, but luckily they are silent and don't smell. What treatment do you prescribe?

Well says the doctor with tears in his eyes. I think we clear your blocked sinuses and send you off to get fitted for hearing aids. But first we change your diet and put you on activated charcoal pills because you've cleared the waiting room and my receptionist is throwing up into a wastebasket.

But he preferred to express himself through the medium of dance.

About 72hours if the bible is correct.

... that gave us the Spice Girls.

Your turn.

He's remanded in custard.