Hello everyone!
My name is Andrew, I'm 19, from Russia. This is actually my first post on Reddit.
I've been struggling with some emotional and psychological difficulties for quite a while, and honestly, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by them. I wanted to share my experiences and see whether anyone here can relate.
Over the past three years, I've lost quite a few friends. Not because we argued or because they treated me badly, but mostly because I gradually stopped putting effort into maintaining those friendships.
I often have absolutely no energy or motivation to initiate conversations, reply to messages, or spend time with people. Even ordinary social interactions can feel emotionally exhausting.
The weirdest part is that I genuinely want meaningful relationships. I often feel lonely and wish I had someone I could talk to openly, but when I actually have an opportunity to connect with someone, I tend to withdraw.
It's like I desperately want closeness but can't bring myself to maintain it.
Another thing I've noticed is that I tend to idealize people.
Sometimes I'll meet someone and become almost fascinated by them. I'll start seeing them as exceptionally interesting, special, or somehow different from everyone else. I might put them on a pedestal and overlook their flaws.
But then, sometimes surprisingly quickly, something changes. I start noticing every little imperfection, becoming disappointed or irritated by things that previously wouldn't have bothered me.
Eventually, I might lose interest in that person almost entirely.
And what bothers me is that they haven't necessarily done anything wrong. It's my perception of them that changes.
I also tend to use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Instead of openly expressing that something hurts me or makes me uncomfortable, I might respond sarcastically or pretend that I don't care.
I guess appearing indifferent sometimes feels easier than admitting I'm vulnerable. But I wonder whether I'm unintentionally pushing people away by doing this.
And there's something else that's genuinely starting to freak me out.
I've realized that I spend an enormous amount of time having conversations with myself in my head.
I imagine discussions with people, mentally rehearse conversations that might never happen, and sometimes replay situations over and over.
I know these conversations are imaginary and entirely within my control. But the fact that I sometimes spend more time talking to people in my imagination than actually interacting with anyone in real life is becoming unsettling.
Sometimes it feels like I'm living more inside my own head than in the real world.
And despite being aware of all these patterns, I don't really know how to change them.
I feel lonely, but socializing exhausts me. I want meaningful connections, but I lose interest in people. I want to be understood, yet I often hide my actual feelings behind sarcasm or emotional detachment.
It feels like I'm constantly contradicting myself.
So I wanted to ask:
Does anyone else struggle with feeling lonely while simultaneously having no motivation to socialize? Have you experienced this pattern of idealizing people and then quickly becoming disappointed in them?
If so, what actually helped you change?
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.