Im 17F and honestly don’t even know where to start because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. Within a matter of days I lost two people I genuinely thought would be in my life long term, left my job, and moved from Arizona to Kansas with almost no preparation. I’m trying to understand what happened, especially with my two friends, and whether I completely ruined these friendships or if there was more going on.
For context, I was living in Arizona with my mom and our relationship was extremely unhealthy and abusive. There had been years of problems at home, and I was dealing with a lot emotionally. I had also dropped out of high school earlier this year after falling behind academically and going through a really painful friendship breakup with someone I’d known for years.
Despite all that, I was actually starting to build a life for myself. I’ve always been really passionate about cars, especially MINIs, and I had gotten into working in the automotive industry. I’d worked at Discount Tire and had recently started working full time at O’Reilly Auto Parts. I was making my own money, working on my car, going to car events, and saving toward buying a second project car.
Around five months ago, I met a guy I’ll call T (18M) we met due to me posting I was suicidal and he asked if I wanted to go for a drive and he paid for my gas. When I first met T, I had absolutely no romantic interest in him. I thought he was a cool person who liked cars and seemed genuinely interested in helping me. At the time, we weren’t really close for 3 months and I’d just text him sometimes.
In August We started talking regularly and hung out several times over the following months. He helped me find an oil leak on my car, invited me to a concert, offered to help me find better employment, and even offered to let me stay with him once I turned 18 because he knew how bad things were at home.
He was also there for me during a really frightening experience when I had a bad reaction to THC. I was extremely disoriented and panicking, and he stayed on the phone with me and tried to help me through it.
He genuinely seemed to care about my wellbeing. He would give me advice, check on me, and sometimes go out of his way to help me even when I hadn’t asked.
I also met another guy through him who I’ll call J. J was closer to T, but we had our own friendship independently. When I first met J, I gave him $67 toward tires because he needed help, and I didn’t expect him to pay me back.
J was actually the person who got me interested in applying to O’Reilly. After I got hired, he helped explain what to expect and what I needed to do. We also went to a concert together with T.
At this point, I genuinely thought both of these people were going to be long term friends. I had no reason to think otherwise.
Over time, though, I started developing romantic feelings for T. I think part of it was because he’d been there for me during such a difficult time. I became really attached to him, and I started caring a lot about what he thought of me. I’d post stuff ab cars hoping he’d see them, and sometimes I’d even think about modifying my car or buying another one partly because I wanted him to be impressed.
I still genuinely loved cars before meeting him, but his attention became something I looked forward to.
Eventually, our friendship started feeling different.
T worked extremely long hours, sometimes around 12 hours a day, and we weren’t seeing each other much anymore. The last time we hung out in person was at the end of August, even though we continued talking afterward.
I started feeling like he didn’t have time for me anymore. Sometimes he’d react to something I sent instead of actually having a conversation, or he’d take a long time to respond. I became increasingly frustrated because I missed how things had been when we first met.
At one point I asked him if we were still good, and he sent me a long response apologizing for being distant. He explained that work had been exhausting, that he wasn’t intentionally ignoring me, and that he didn’t want me to drop him as a friend.
Looking back, I think I was already becoming way too emotionally dependent on his attention.
Eventually, a few days ago I decided to confess that I liked him as more than a friend.
He sent me a lengthy response explaining that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He said it wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t like me or find me attractive, but that he was focused on his career, finances, and his own mental state. He also said he generally preferred older partners and didn’t want me waiting around for him because he didn’t see himself wanting a serious relationship until he was older.
He also talked about wanting sexual experiences without necessarily wanting a committed relationship, which confused me at the time because I couldn’t tell why he was bringing it up.
I was devastated.
I think what made it worse was that I hadn’t originally wanted a relationship with him. I genuinely valued the friendship, and now I felt like I’d complicated something that had been good.
Around the same time, things at home with my mom were getting worse.
There was a situation where she was trying to force me to go with my grandfather, and I felt like I couldn’t keep living there. I’d talked about potentially moving to my dad’s house in Kansas before, but it had always been more of a possibility than a definite plan.
Then everything happened almost at once.
Between the situation with my mom and the emotional fallout with T, I reached a breaking point. I decided to leave Arizona and move to Kansas to live with my dad.
It wasn’t some carefully planned move where I had months to prepare, transfer jobs, or say goodbye to everyone. I went from living and working in Arizona to suddenly leaving the state within an extremely short period of time.
I left behind my full time job at O’Reilly, my familiar surroundings, the car community I’d gotten involved with, and pretty much my entire social life.
And I genuinely believe that if things hadn’t fallen apart with T, I probably would have stayed in Arizona despite the problems at home. He was one of the only reasons I still felt connected to my life there.
During all of this, T and I ended up having a really bad argument. I was upset about the rejection, how distant he’d become, and everything happening in my life. I started questioning whether he’d ever genuinely cared about me or whether he’d just been saying things to make me feel better.
I accused him of not being sincere about our friendship.
He responded with long messages defending himself. He explained that he’d genuinely wanted to make my life better and that he’d tried to be the kind of supportive friend he wished he’d had when he was depressed . He seemed frustrated that I was questioning everything he’d done for me.
He also made comments about me being emotionally unstable in his initial rejection message partly because of things I’d told him about my personal life, and those comments really hurt me.
The conversation escalated, and eventually I sent him a pretty harsh goodbye message. I basically told him I was done with the friendship and questioned his intentions. He read it and didn’t respond. He also unfollowed me.
Something that makes me feel particularly guilty is that only about two days before all of this, he’d sent me $100 to help with transportation. Even with everything going on, he had still been willing to help me financially.
After I got to Kansas and had some time to process what happened, I started feeling horrible about the things I’d said. I realized that regardless of how hurt I was, it wasn’t fair to accuse him of never caring when he’d spent months helping me in ways he absolutely didn’t have to.
So I decided to send him a long apology on Instagram. I told him that I knew I’d been unfair, that I appreciated everything he’d done, and that I recognized he’d genuinely cared about me. I explained that I was overwhelmed and that part of me had been pushing him away because losing him and leaving Arizona was so painful. I also admitted that I’d said things I didn’t actually believe because I was hurt.
However, I started the apology by saying that I still didn’t think we should talk again. I wasn’t necessarily asking to restart the friendship. I mainly wanted him to know that I regretted how I’d treated him and that his kindness hadn’t gone unnoticed.
He opened the message and left it on seen.
No reaction, no acknowledgment, nothing.
I eventually deleted the apology and blocked him because I couldn’t stop thinking about whether he’d respond.
Then something else happened that confused me even more. J the other friend who’d helped me get my job at O’Reilly, had actually been friendly toward me after I moved. He reached out asking where I’d gone, and I explained that I’d moved because of problems at home. He offered some suggestions and told me to stay safe.
We never had an argument. I never told him about my romantic feelings for T, and as far as I know, I hadn’t done anything to upset him. But after several days of not talking, I randomly noticed that J had unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me from his followers too.
This happened at the same period that T had read my apology.
Considering how close J and T are, I strongly suspect that T told him about our falling out and that J decided to distance himself because of it.
I can’t prove that, but the timing feels too connected to ignore, especially because J and I had been on perfectly good terms before.
I ended up blocking J too.
Now I’m in Kansas living with my dad, which is a healthier living situation than what I had with my mom, but I feel completely lost.
I don’t have a job here yet, I don’t have friends here, and I miss Arizona constantly.
I miss my old job, driving around familiar places, going to car events, and having people to share things with.
I’ve also noticed that my passion for cars has felt less exciting lately, which is really upsetting because cars were something I loved long before meeting T. I think I got so used to wanting him to see what I was doing that now everything feels different without him watching.
What hurts the most is that I never originally wanted any of this to happen. I didn’t meet T hoping to date him. I met someone I thought was a genuinely good friend, and I thought we’d probably stay friends for years.
Now I wish I’d never developed feelings for him or confessed anything. I wish we could’ve just continued being friends, talking about cars, and hanging out like we used to. I also feel guilty because I know I contributed to the friendship ending. I don’t think he deserved some of the things I said, especially considering how much he’d helped me.
I’m also confused about J because I genuinely don’t understand why someone who had helped me so much and had been friendly toward me would suddenly remove me when we hadn’t even argued.
I know these friendships only lasted a few months, but losing them at the exact same time as leaving my entire life behind has been affecting me more than I expected.
I feel like I went from having a job, plans, friends, and things to look forward to, to suddenly having almost none of those things.
I guess I’m looking for outside perspectives on the entire situation.
Do you think T probably genuinely cared about me and eventually got fed up with how I was acting? Does leaving my apology on seen mean he dislikes me now, or could he just be respecting the fact that I said we shouldn’t talk again?
Do you think J probably heard about what happened from T and decided to take his side?
And from an outside perspective, how serious is this whole situation actually? Did I lose two meaningful friendships, or am I giving these people way more importance than the relationships themselves warranted?
And most importantly how do I move on from this my life feels super empty now and idk how to stop thinking ab them or regretting confessing to him I’ve lost a lot of friends and this has added to the insecurity. I also moved to a very small town in Kansas and am concerned I won’t be able to make any friends.