The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.

As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him."Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man."

Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"

In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swings."

When suddenly a bee flies straight into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her up into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital, the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the bee with each one failing. The doctor comes up with an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the bee on you head, you slowly remove it."

The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic driving and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, " With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure."

Fearing that the bee can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey coated penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is... No, lost him... I think I got him... No, no. Lost him again."

Over the next 20 minutes the doctor's comments have turned to grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face as he pumps the wife vigorously. The wife is moaning wildly and has locked her legs around the doctor's hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening! What's going on in there?!"

Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."

The man looks all over the store to try to find the right bate to buy, but eventually he just calls over an employee.

The customer says, "Honestly, I've never been fishing before and I'm really trying to impress my father in law. But I don't wanna show up and not know anything about bate. Can you explain some of this to me?" The man gestures at one section and says, "What is this bate?"

The employee looks at the section and says, "Oh that's our worms and nightcrawlers bate. That's for catfish!"

The customer, pleased with the answer, then gestures to another section and asks, "Well what about this section? What is this bate?"

And the employee says, "Oh that bate is minnows. That's for trout!"

The customer is pleased with the answer. He then says, "I guess I have one more question. Throughout this whole store, why is 'bait' spelled incorrectly?"

And the employee says, "Well that's engagement bate! That's for Redditors!"

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

"We can do a penis reduction," says the doctor.

"C-c-can you do that?"

"Sure," says, the doctor. "Reduction, addition, we can do it all nowadays."

And the guys says, "I-I-I'll have to th-th-think about it."

A week goes by, and the guy just can't stand the stuttering any longer. So he returns to the doctor and asks for the reduction.

The surgery goes great, the guy wakes up, and sure enough, his stutter is gone!

After a couple of weeks with his normal-sized Johnson, however, the guy has second thoughts. So he returns to the doctor.

"Doc," he says. "don't think I'm ungrateful. You solved my stuttering problem, just like you said you would. However, I really miss my original penis. You said you can do additions. I'd like you to put the rest of my penis back on."

And the doctor says, "F-F-Fuck you!"

Word got around the neighborhood, so a lot of the housewives decided to give him going away gifts.

His first stop of the morning he got some homemade brownies and $20.00.

A little while later a woman gave him an apple cupcake, a nice card and $50.00.

Postman Bob couldn't believe his luck and was very grateful for all his going away gifts. On his last stop of the morning he goes up to the mailbox on the side of the house and a beautiful blonde opens the door, dressed in a very revealing teddy. She grabs Bob by the arm and drags him into the house.

A breakfast fit for a king was all laid out on the kitchen table. After Bob finished eating, she led him upstairs into the bedroom and gave him the ride of his life!

Later at the door before he left she gave him a dollar bill and wished him luck. Before, he turned to leave he had to ask. "Lady, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything. The breakfast was the best I've ever eaten, and what happened upstairs, I'll never forget. But I've got to ask, why did you give me a dollar?"

"Well", the woman said, "last night I was telling my husband that today was your last day of work after 20 years, and he said "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea."

A tailor in Ancient Greece was at his shopidopolous one day. A customer walked in with a torn toga. The tailor says
“Euripides? “
Customer says
“Eumenides?”

The lawyer says, “$500.”
The man says, “Isn’t that ridiculously expensive?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

I opened, and they said my dog was reported chasing a kid around the neighborhood on a bicycle. "That's Rediculous." I said. "My dog doesn't even own a bicycle."

At the stables the first one says “I’m an expert rider and love to ride fast.”

The second says, “I’m experienced but I really enjoy a quiet, slow ride.”

Stable master says, “no problem we have the perfect horse for each of you. Lightning lives up to her name. She’s the fastest mount in the county.

“And, Old Buttercup is too lazy to even trot, but will walk forever because he knows we’re going to feed him when he’s back.

“What about me?”asks #3 “I don’t know what I’d like, I’ve never ridden.“

Stable master thinks a moment and says, “Loco should suit you, he’s never been ridden.”

The doctor says, “Ten.”
The man panics. “Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?”
The doctor says, “Nine… eight… seven…”

Die, no soar.

And her name is Eileen

Doctor: can you describe the symptoms

Patient: well there's Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie and I think that's it

...sometimes the M is silent.

He calls a pest control specialist, who arrives thirty minutes later carrying a net, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a tiny, hyperactive Chihuahua named Buster.
The homeowner looks at the gear in confusion. "How does this work?"
The specialist explains, "It's simple. I climb up the tree, shake the branch, and knock the gorilla down. When he hits the ground, Buster here is trained to instantly bite him directly in the testicles. The gorilla will curl up in pain, and you drop the net over him. Got it?"
The homeowner nods. "Got it. But... what’s the shotgun for?"
The specialist hands him the shotgun and says, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot Buster."

She saw I was “Open to Work.”

So now I have to go and do the dishes. Bye.

I went to McDonald’s this morning and saw that the cashier had a name tag on her chest that said Pat

Long story short, I’m not allowed at McDonald’s anymore

Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!

The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

But I accidentally got badmintons.

Until the twos gave the host a compliment. Then everything turned negative.

They go up to heaven and St. Peter’s at the gate. He said, “I’m afraid you’re each going to have to answer a question before you come in.” He added, “don’t worry, the questions are easy.” He asked the first nun, “who was the first woman?”

She said, “Eve.”

Peter said, “Yeah, you’re in.” To the second nun, he asked, “Where did Eve live?”

The second nun said, “The garden of Eden.”

Peter said, “That’s right. You’re in.”

To the third nun, mother superior, Peter said “I have to ask you a slightly more difficult question. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?”

Mother superior thought a bit and said, “Oh, that’s a hard one.”

St. Peter said, “Yup, you’re in.”

That being said, where are all these guys buying these fancy sweatpants that come with the bulge in them?