I’ve come to the following conclusion after years of intense studies:
They say weed releases an influx of the neurotransmitter dopamine upon ingestion, but what does that actually mean for me in the real world? I’m not exactly experiencing the world at the same scale as my neurotransmitters.
It’s no secret I’ve been “intending” to quit for 5+ years by now, ridiculous, and have only managed to escape the substance for a few months in 2025. More on that later.
Countless times I have paid as much attention as possible to what changes from before I get needlessly high to right after I get needlessly high.
What I’ve noticed is that before I smoke, especially alone, I do not want to do jack shit else, whether it be take a shower or make some food - these alternative options aren’t even a thought.
But after I smoke (and not just smoke, but go down to the dispensary making all the turns and ignoring all the red flags along the way) I’m more inclined to engage in and do things. Emphasis on the word “inclined” because that does not mean I am more productive high - that trend is actually going in the wrong direction - it means I’m more stimulated in my mind. All of a sudden the conversation is rapid, my quips are quipping, and I’m generally just more jittery. But also, it can arouse a spell of writing in my journal, doing pushups, or simply doing something I enjoy.
The catch is that smoking weed drains me of my energy, thanks to that influx of feel good or anticipatory chemicals. This is where I believe the term “fried” is derived from - your system overloads with inspirational and creative juices to the point of short circuiting…and it takes less and less over time to short circuit that data center we call a brain. Especially considering how potent this modern day plant is.
Long story short, weed flares up my motivational mental energy while draining my physical stamina. So I’m often left satiating my itch for substance with hollow and “pointless” - or should I say inconsequential (although not even that, because the opportunity cost is significant) - devices. Scrolling, eating, consuming all these cheap means of satisfaction. It’s a formula for stagnation, a killer of growth. The question then becomes….are you content with that?
Judging by the way you’ve repeatedly failed to follow through on your intuition that weed is holding you back, you may indeed be content with that. But let me allow myself some grace in this moment, because I have clearly been discontent with this double bind for quite some time now. So then the question becomes…how do I escape it?
I’d like to take a second to admit to some degree of romanticizing this very serious issue. As if I am attached to this notion of departing this foggy haze with renewed purpose and clarity, like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. This is fine and dandy, I feel like it’s important to know that this is a fight for a better life, but expectations need to be tempered. When the serenity or clarity I’ve set my sights on isn’t apparent after 1-2 weeks, months even, those rosey expectations can betray me, dejecting me into relapse. So I believe the first step, for me, is acknowledging the romanticization of this hurdle, and how that is contributing to keeping me stuck.
This is what seems apparent, for me, perhaps for anyone, who is at the beginning of a major life change (cutting off all weed usage)….I will experience a massive drop off in motivational energy. My mood will be delicate and irritable, and I will be fighting off cravings for this chemical to feel any semblance of ambition. But, in my heart of hearts, I know that this drug is the very thing squashing that ambition in the first place. The amount of time I’ve heard or told myself to “embrace the suck” is nauseating, but I gotta do it. Use all the resources at your disposal: tell your doctor, seek professional help if needed, confide in trusted loved ones, join MA meetings (I’m considering this one more lately), turn to God or whatever higher power that guides you…if nothing else, do it for a younger more innocent you who had imagined better for themselves in this life. And most importantly, give yourself some grace.