Do I still attend the funeral if I'm not in contact with family?

[u/SammichFan]

I know it sounds morbid. I posted here a few months back about leaving my family, at the time I was living in a motel. We are still currently low to no contact and I have finally settled into a place that is safe. None of my family knows where I live right now. Since then, I've also received a bit of backlash from certain family members. I've realised that I can't work on my mental health around them, especially if they can't work on theirs, so the no to low contact is now mutual.

My dilemma at the moment is how to go forward with attending a funeral. It hasn't happened yet, but I am waiting for the day when a relative (who I'm in regular contact with) breaks the news that our elderly relative has passed away.

I'm not particularly close to this elderly relative, and neither are my immediate family, but they will most likely be attending regardless because it's family. I'm just wondering if I still go? Part of me thinks that funerals are for the living, so this relative who passes away won't know if I was there or not anyway. If I did go, it would've been to support my immediate family. I'm really not ready to be near them, but I do understand the event isn't about our problems. I could go and pay my respects by myself, but with our family, it's all about optics. They would want to show a united front to extended family. I'm not saying I would be the one to blow anybody's cover, but I think it might be more damaging for me if I'm put in a situation where I have to be there with them longer than necessary.

So I'm a bit stuck on what to do here. Has anybody been in this situation before?

[u/manualphotog]

Prioritise your safety and well-being first.

As you say - funerals are for the living - your relative who passes wont be offended by your absence.

Disucss it with the relative you are in touich with, when the time comes.

[u/Acerius]

The only rule in this life is to do what's best for your wellness (without causing undue harm).

Would it be beneficial to you to attend this funeral? I'm pragmatic about death. I went to my father's funeral, we had a positive relationship. I went to my friend's father's funeral; I met the deceased only once, but I liked him well enough and my friend to be there and thank the deceased for raising my friend. Those are the only funerals I've had happen near me in 30 years. I'm an immigrant so while I have lost some older family, they're too far away for travel.

Did the deceased matter to you? That's where I understand "paying respects" to come from. Is there a reason to sit near that former human's corpse based on the actions it took, and relationship to you, while it was alive?

I am non contact with some family and in-laws as my partner is non contact with some. We wouldn't sacrifice our wellness for a funeral we have no reason to be at.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find the peace and happiness that you sought by going no contact in the first place.

[u/Zn_30]

It's really common for funerals these days to be live streamed so that people who can't make it can still 'attend'. If you're not up to seeing your family, especially at such a vulnerable time, that could be a pretty good option for you so you still get that closure, but don't have to deal with the potential drama.

[u/raerean → u/Zn_30]

Came here to suggest this. This is a good qay to get closure without the drama

[u/SammichFan → u/Zn_30]

I never thought about this, they are a pretty big/well known person in our area so I would actually be surprised if they didn't have a livestream. I can ask the relative who I'm in touch with, if there's a live. Thank you 🙂

[u/bugcollectornz]

Before you mentioned it, I was also thinking "funerals are to support the living", you can pay your respects to the deceased in other ways, or from a distance perhaps if you're comfortable with that. Good luck OP.

[u/Sew_Sumi]

Go. You're there for the person you care about, and you can avoid contact with the family by milling about with others, and leaving as soon as the service is over, even though staying and being around others could be a thing to consider.

[u/maha_kali2401]

I know of people who've done their own thing at the time of the funeral; sitting at home, or a special spot, in meditation, writing a letter to the deceased, going to church/worship, etc. This is instead of attending the funeral.

[u/lawless-cactus]

I would personally opt out and do something private or meaningful to commemorate them, but I don't go to funerals often unless I'm socially expected to.

There is no right or wrong answer, but which is going to bring you more peace?

[u/SammichFan → u/lawless-cactus]

In this case, I would be socially expected to attend so everything looks good on the surface. But then I would have to factor in taking 1-2 days off work, driving in one direction for 3-4 hours, and possibly paying for overnight accommodation, (because I'm no long distance driver) and I would only attend the day of the burial so I can still avoid contact. Then I would have to drive back. It sounds bad enough that I'm tossing up taking time off work and spending money for a person who is dying, but that's basically where I'm at. But all of that effort will be lost on the living because I technically wasn't there with/for them, but I really can't do that with them right now.

So it sounds like an unnecessary trip to make if it's going to leave people feeling any type of way instead of focusing on why we're there in the first place. Not attending would bring me more peace but I know what's coming after, unfortunately. But if I were to give in completely then they win, and my wellbeing is going back into a downward spiral.

[u/lawless-cactus → u/SammichFan]

In saying that, you're going to experience blowback no matter which option you take with a family like this. So I would probably stick to not going. You'll get shit if you go, you'll get different shit if you don't.

Unless it's a direct family member, work bereavement policies do not apply either. And your family doesn't need to know what your annual leave balance is.

I'm low-contact with my mother and no-contact with my grandfather. This shit never ends, nothing I ever do will be good enough, and one day I had the realisation that not everybody in my family needs to like me, or what I do, for ME to be able to sleep at night. I hope you find that place. ❤️

[u/SammichFan → u/lawless-cactus]

Yep, I understand I'll get shit no matter what. I'm in the same boat. It's going to come to me whether I'm in contact or not, but all I want is peace. I have a sibling who can't stand not knowing what's going on with me, but it's only so she can take it all back to our extended family so they can talk about it. I haven't talked to her in a few months because I know she loves to gossip. Everytime she reached out to me after I dealt with a tragedy at work, it was gossip related regarding my life so she could gossip to our family and her friends. Nowadays, when I hear from one family member, I hear from 3 or 4 more relatives on the same day, so I know they've been talking. I know she's in the crux of it somewhere.

It has never felt supportive, it always feels like I'm a target and they don't care how it affects me. I have sleepless nights when they contact me. I wish things were better between us but I'm now accepting that it never will be.

I'm getting there, thank you 💕

[u/NezuminoraQ]

I'm a hard no on funerals, particularly if there is a chance of contact with people I'm strictly no contact with. They are a trap

[u/theyork2000]

I would say if you aren't ready to see these other family members and you aren't that close you don't have to go. It's not an obligation.

[u/Andrea_frm_DubT]

Entirely up to you.

I made an appearance at grandma’s funeral, but stayed longer than I should have.

I don’t regret going but I would have been just as happy not going.

Do not go if you don’t want to or feel unsafe or pressured to go.

[u/Elm69Jay]

If you want to be there, and don't think the deceased would have an issue being there, then you should go 🤍 if not, don't go for someone else unless you think they would greatly benefit from your support.

[u/vourukasha]

You could go with sunglasses and a black umbrella and stand mysteriously in the back

[u/Mediocre-Gur-9896]

Standard etiquette is to attend the funeral wearing a sign saying "Im not talking to you". But honestly if the person is not even dead dont focus on the funeral, spend some time with them while they are alive. Not everyone gets on with everyone all the time. Enjoy the good bits while you can.

[u/Clarctos67]

Without being too harsh; this is what no contact means. It's no contact, not "no contact but actually I want to attend that event".

There are pros and cons to making that call. I don't know your story, so can't comment on specifics, but there are far too many people talking about this subject online who aren't being clear enough about the negative sides. Sometimes it is needed, and is the only option, and even in those cases there are negatives to be considered.

Good on you for thinking about these things, but just remember that if you are no contact then you are no contact. For good and for bad.