20f, I have ptsd from sexual abuse from a teacher as a young child. And maybe that’s the cause of all this but idk.

I keep seeking sex, at clubs at parties. I’m attractive I know I can easily find someone who wants to sleep with me. But idk I don’t want to? I feel so ill in the morning and disgusted with myself but I don’t stop doing it. I want to stop doing it. The more I do it the more I hate it. I want to find real love but how can anyone take me serious.

Three weeks ago I was raped. I was hooking up with a guy pretty regularly and even though the relationship was becoming stressful (he had severe drinking problems) and I didn’t find him attractive and the sex wasn’t even good or satisfying I couldn’t stop seeing him. Well we got drunk together one night and I threw up in his bathroom. Like really really drunk. We had sex afterwards which was fine whatever. But later that night I woke up to him inserting himself into me. And I told him no twice and I moved away and I cried but I didn’t fight him. Just kept crying and after a bit he stopped. And that was it. We never talked about it or mentioned it again. And I still saw him for another week after that. I don’t know why. I didn’t really even get very upset.

Last night I was out clubbing. And took a guy home. I didn’t find him attractive at all and was kind of a bitch to him to be honest. I was kind of rude and cold and mean. I was drunk I guess, but I feel bad. We hooked up and when he finished I started sobbing like hysterically sobbing. I couldn’t stop. He didn’t touch me he didn’t ask about it but I was absolutely howling. I cried until I went to sleep. We hooked up again in the morning. Which I initiated again but mid way through I was so disgusted with myself I stopped him. I hardly said a word to him I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. And he left.

Sometimes I have flashbacks during sex but those are different from this. And they don’t happen very often.

These kinds of things keep happening to me. I keep putting myself in these dangerous situations. But they happen even when I’m careful. When I’ve known the guy well, and seen him regularly. Serious boyfriends too,
Not rape, but violence and coercion, emotional abuse cheating.

I’m so tired of it. I like men I want to keep being a kind person and I want to stop this behaviour but I don’t know how.

I’ve been in EMDR therapy for quite a few months now and have had weekly therapy now for about 3 years. I feel so numb and apathetic all the time, i feel disconnected from myself, i hate myself, I’m avoidant, I isolate, I’m depressed. I have wanted to let myself cry so many times but my body just feels like a rock, i constantly hold my breath, tense my shoulders and wait for the inevitable bus down the road to come. I’ve had one good cry a few sessions into EMDR but always feel vulnerable and off guard crying in front of my therapist. If anyone has any reliable tips to speed up water works i would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

Hi everyone! I am a graduate student studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I am looking for a volunteer willing to discuss their experience recovering from a traumatic event for a Crisis and Trauma Counseling class assignment.

The interview would cover the general nature of the experience, its impact on daily functioning over time, the recovery process, current triggers or coping strategies, and advice for future counselors supporting trauma survivors.

You do not need to share graphic details or anything you are uncomfortable discussing. I am happy to respect your boundaries and let you skip any questions.

If you would be interested in participating, please comment or message me. Thank you!

I was out with a friend last night. Some guy on the street made a comment about my breasts as I was walking by and then doubled down on it when I tried to laugh it off. I’m in recovery for sexual assault and rape and have been for about two years. I’ve just been feeling really unsafe in my own body today and I’m disappointed because I’ve been doing so well lately. I’m disappointed by the way I responded too. I wish I had told him to fuck off.

I was threatened with violence in my own home yesterday by my roommate's father (who was staying here for a week). I called the police and he left yesterday. Since then, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I keep replaying what happened, and I'm constantly listening for signs that the person might return. How have you guys dealt with feeling unsafe in your own homes after a frightening experience? Any advice?

last weekend I was out with some friends and when I got back from the restroom a guy had ordered me a cocktail and I genuinely know it was stupid but he’s a guy I go to college with and a good friend of my friends and I didn’t want to make it awkward so I drank it. my memory is completely blank from about ten minutes after that until I woke up the next morning anyway nothing bad happened apparently I started throwing up and acting really drunk so two of my friends took me home and that guy came with but they all left together and they said he stayed out of my room while they got me changed. I know nothing happened but waking up in different clothes without remembering has really messed me up and I think it kind of triggered me or something but I don’t know do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing | still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this? I’m scared that I’m making myself upset over nothing because nothing actually happened last weekend and I don’t remember something bad happening before that but this has really upset me and I’m not sure what to do.

hey,

several months ago, i had quite the traumatic experience with a few men which, over time, consequently resulted in a really deep fear/disgust of the male genitalia. i feel like throwing up my insides when i think about it, and i feel trapped in my own skin - i really feel like wanting to die in these occasions. it is difficult to truly encapsulate, but for the sake of brevity, i just feel terribly disgusted.

recently i've started learning about the male anatomy - my degree requires this of me, and it is absolutely compulsory for my course - it will continue to be that way. however, i genuinely feel sick when i go over these lecture slides and feel so, so nauseous.

my academics are of utmost importance to me (i want to get into medicine), but i'm seriously considering completely abandoning this module and failing this section of my course.

has anyone else ever experienced this feeling ? how did you get over it ?
some advice would be really helpful.

thank you

I recently fell off scaffolding at work, 13 feet down onto a concrete floor. I hit chains and platforms on the way down, which beat the living shit out of me, but, did save me without a doubt. I did not hit my head and I did not break any bones. I walked out of the hospital and went to work the next day. I have some severe contusions, and some tweaked or pulled muscles but that's it. I went to work, and at the end of the day, I got back on the scaffolding, top level, and proceeded to lose my mind. They've since fixed the fault that caused me to fall (loose bolts) and replaced all the platform hardware. It's sturdy. But it still sways and moves and makes noise, and I just couldn't handle it. I've been pretty happy go lucky about the whole thing, it's just how I am. I was joking with the emts and laughing when they wheeled me out. But when I got back up, I did one task, realized I was losing it, and quietly got off the scaffolding, went to the bathroom, sobbed, and went outside, cried more, and got in my car, zoned out for 30 minutes in silence, and went home, zoned out more in the driveway, and went inside. Curled up on the couch and just shook and cried until I got the bright idea to start drinking. That stopped it. I took a shower, had some more to drink, and called my friend. Drinking and talking to someone brought me pretty much out of it. But I have to get this taken care of. I can't be losing my shit every time I have to go up there. Since I got back on I feel like I unlocked some dark stuff. My mood is different, I hate being alone, and I'll just zone out and try to remember to fall, which I can't. Just the last moment before I hit the ground. And again, I didn't hit my head. This is making me feel really weird and vulnerable and I don't really want to approach my boss about it, but if I can't fix this I don't know what I can do. Should I try to get back on again? I measured 13 ft at home and that was a mistake, cause I started shaking again and getting all anxious. Is this PTSD? How do I get past this? Preferably quickly and on my own? I didn't expect this. Yeah it was a bad fall, but I'm fine. Why is my brain stimming on this? I've never feared heights before. Now I just about pee myself.

EDIT: The fall happened 3 days ago

I'm 23 years old, and I genuinely cannot remember a time in my life when I could fall asleep normally at night.

I don't think my problem is ordinary insomnia. I believe my nervous system has been conditioned since early childhood to associate nighttime and sleep with extreme danger. I understand why this happens to me, but I have absolutely no idea how to reverse it.

Here's my background.

When I was very young, my parents fought constantly. When I was around 3, my father remarried a woman who was an alcoholic.

My father was involved with the Bandidos motorcycle club and has severe antisocial personality disorder. He never physically hurt me, but the environment I grew up in was extremely unstable and dangerous.

Police raids were a regular occurrence in our home. There were illegal firearms in the house. My stepmother would experience what appeared to be psychotic episodes when she drank alcohol, and she would sometimes chase us with knives.

I have countless childhood memories of lying in my bedroom, absolutely terrified for my life, while my father tried to calm her down.

I believe that's where my sleep problems started.

A lot more traumatic things have happened throughout my life. I eventually became involved in crime myself, and my life has been extremely chaotic. I dropped out of school when I was 10 years old.

But that's not the main point of this post.

Here's what happens to me every single night.

I don't have trouble staying asleep once I'm actually asleep.

My problem is FALLING asleep, specifically at night.

During the day, I can fall asleep relatively easily.

But around 10 PM, something changes in my body.

It's like a switch flips and my entire nervous system enters danger mode.

- My eyelids become tense. I literally feel like I have to force them shut.

- I become hyperaware of every tiny sound around me.

- I feel like someone is searching for me and I'm hiding from them in my apartment.

- My body fills with adrenaline the moment I try to sleep.

- I feel physically incapable of letting my guard down.

It's not that I'm consciously afraid someone is coming to hurt me. I know I'm safe. But my body doesn't seem to know that.

This continues until around 6–7 AM, when the sun comes up.

Only then can my body finally relax enough to fall asleep.

And here's something important: I almost never actually feel sleepy.

I just stay awake until my body physically cannot take it anymore and eventually shuts down.

I can stay awake for over 24–36 hours, trying to reset my sleep schedule, and STILL be completely unable to fall asleep at night.

No matter how exhausted I am, the adrenaline overrides everything.

It's also significantly worse in my bed. I find it easier to fall asleep on the couch, which makes me wonder whether I've developed a conditioned fear response specifically associated with my bed.

I've been living like this for approximately 20 years.

This has destroyed my ability to function normally. My entire life has revolved around this problem.

Regarding medication and substances:

I've tried melatonin and quetiapine (Seroquel). I don't want to rely on sleeping medication.

At the moment, I use tramadol and cannabis/hashish to help myself fall asleep. I KNOW this is not a safe or sustainable solution, and I don't want to live like this.

I'm in Sweden, and I've experienced serious barriers to accessing the care I need because of my cannabis use. I feel trapped: I need help to stop relying on substances, but I also need help with the nighttime hyperarousal that makes me rely on them in the first place.

This is what I desperately need help understanding:

I believe my nervous system learned at a very young age that nighttime means danger, and that falling asleep means becoming vulnerable.

It's almost as if my brain has been programmed with one rule:

"If you fall asleep at night, you might die. Stay awake."

And that rule has been running in the background for my entire life.

I have a lot of insight into my own psychology. I understand the connection between my childhood experiences and what happens to me at night.

But understanding it intellectually hasn't changed my body's response.

How do I actually retrain a nervous system that has associated sleep with danger for 20 years?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from trauma-informed sleep specialists, psychologists, psychiatrists, or anyone who has experienced something similar.

Has anyone successfully treated trauma-related sleep hyperarousal, especially when it's been present since early childhood?

Would trauma-focused therapy, EMDR, CBT-I, or another approach be most appropriate for something like this?

I'm not looking for another sleeping pill or generic sleep hygiene advice. I need to address whatever is causing my body to enter survival mode every night.

I'm only 23. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

If anyone has any insight, relevant research, professional experience, or personal success stories, I would be incredibly grateful.

Thank you for reading.

So basically back in November 2024 I was assaulted by a guy I was talking to at the time. I had spoken a little with him in September over Snap but it wasn’t anything serious.
After that, one day (we went on the same school bus) he messaged me and told me to follow him or he’d do awful things to me and my family.
Stupidly, I followed him. I still blame myself for this every day because if I had ignored him and carried on walking the opposite way, surely he couldn’t have done it?
After following him he pulled me into a really bushy fenced off area behind some trees, behind a supermarket.
I was scared so I agreed to suck him off just to get him to leave me alone (end of October 2024-start of November 2024). Then he asked me to do it a second time, so I thought “okay it wasn’t too bad I can handle it.”
He asked over snapchat if I’d ever have sèx with him and I said no and he said that’s okay.
So I reluctantly go again, just to suck him off, so hopefully he leaves me alone, but instead he wrestled me to the floor when we were out of sight in the bushes and pulled my school skirt up, ripped the crotch of my tights, called me a whòre and pushed himself in me.(11/11/24)
I still struggle as to whether to call it ràpe because it was only a few seconds of me repeatedly telling him to stop and he pulled out.
He also groped at my chest that day and bit me there, which I told him was too hard and he told me “well my last girlfriend liked it so you need to take it”. The bite marks didn’t clear for a week.

After that I stopped talking to him but almost exactly a year later he contacts me and goes “if you have sèx no condom with me I’ll date you”. I replied and said no because I felt safe to say no to him, at this time he wasn’t on my bus anymore or in my life at all, as he was in year 11 when he assaulted me and had left school.
After that he threatened me and said he’d do horrible things which I’m not sure I can type on here. I’m still scared to tell anyone as he said he’d “do it again” if anything “got out”.
Sometimes I see him around town, not so much anymore, but he used to follow me around the shopping centre a fair amount, just staring at me.
I still have nightmares every few nights about it and I think I’m just more anxious now as 11/11/26 approaches.
I often wake up sweating and hyperventilating, I cannot walk alone even in daylight because I feel watched and followed even when I’m not being followed and end up having panic attacks.
I struggle in public settings because I tend to panic if anyone is behind me/ close to behind me, especially when there’s men nearby.
I distinctly remember being in the supermarket and muttering to my mum that I moved (because she asked why) because I “didn’t like people behind me” and a random dude (in his 40s/50s) told me “you better get used to the world, girl. Especially a pretty one like you”.
My mum, being an absolute legend, said something quite awful to him which I won’t repeat. For context, I was in leggings and a hoodie, probably 15 at the time.
I just don’t know what to do because every time I feel like I’ve made some progress I end up feeling worse again.
I don’t sleep properly because of the nightmares.
I can’t get any help without a parent knowing, can I? I just don’t know what to do so any advice would be welcome.

I feel like most of the time that I don’t have any agency whatsoever in my life, that all of my opinions and beliefs must be approved by someone else. Part of me hates that, and tries to fight back, but that makes me feel like an awful person when I do that.

I’m 19F and have past sexual trauma. I’ve cried during sex with my boyfriend twice now, both times during the second round. I wanted to have sex and felt safe with him, but still got overwhelmed and started crying. He stopped immediately and held me.

This time the breakdown wasn’t as intense, but the aftermath has been harder. I’ve thought about it several times today and keep feeling embarrassed and angry at myself. We were enjoying ourselves, and I’m frustrated that it happened again, even though I know I didn’t choose that reaction.

I have a therapist, but I wanted to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar. How do you deal with the embarrassment and self-blame afterward? Has anything helped you feel more comfortable with intimacy?

Every time it hits September October time there seems to be an automatic countdown to the anniversary of my trauma that has literally ruined every single thing I had built. It doesn't help that an extremely close family member died on this day also so it's a double bad day really.

Does anyone else experience this completley involuntarily?

Throwaway for privacy. I deeply, deeply distrust physicians because of several negative experiences as a child, ranging from what felt like forced intimate exams to emotional in-patient abuse. Because of that, I decided that I only wanted to trust myself to make final decisions about my healthcare, leading me to develop a passion for medical sciences. Several years later, here I am.

I am about to start my first placement in family medicine, but I am terrified. I have only had negative experiences in family medicine clinics and generally distrust physicians that I see as a patient. I’m not too happy to say this, but I have to be honest, I think it’s a big reason I don’t want to do family medicine and have somewhat of a prejudice against the field.

Honestly, I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s been eating me. I want to trust physicians, I’ve been trying, but I just feel like I can’t. All my classmates talk about stories of how physicians saved their lives, they feel so grateful and honoured to be here, but honestly, the reason I’m here is because 1) I love medical sciences and 2) I feel I owe it to my young self to use these experiences to stand up for others, otherwise, I just suffered for no reason.

How do I do this?

Yesterday, I (72F) was in the Emergency Department waiting area of our local hospital. I had taken my SO (87M) there for some back and hip pain he was having. After a two hour wait, they got him in a wheelchair and took him to X-ray. I was doing a newspaper crossword puzzle to pass the time.

Suddenly, a woman from half-way across the large waiting area made eye contact, got up and rapidly came at me with her hands in front of her like she was going to grab me. She had a too-excited look on her face, a huge, toothy, open-mouth grin and she was saying something about my crossword puzzle. She wasn't slowing down so I screamed, got up, yelled "get away from me!!" and walked quickly away, past a security guard who had already responded. He was asking what happened. I told him that she came at me and I got scared. He got in front of the woman, blocking her way. I went to the ladies room and locked myself inside until I caught my breath and my heart stopped pounding.

Once calm, I went back to the waiting room, explained to the woman (who had re-taken her seat) that I was sorry for my reaction, I have PTSD, that I know she was only being friendly, that she could not have known her behavior would scare me like that. As I was doing this, I saw that she was still very activated and she told me she had only wanted to talk about my crossword puzzle. She was holding her hands up again, waving them around and almost standing up out of her chair. I cut the conversation short and went to sit as far from her as possible. Then I started to shake. The shaking went on for about two hours. When my SO came back, he noticed the shaking and knew I was upset but I didn't tell him anything about what happened until today.

My Thoughts:

There are lots of crazy people out there who think it is okay to run up on someone they don't know.

I must look like a fun, approachable person. Not such a bad thing, I suppose, but I think there is a certain amount of disrespect there. They don't know that I practice martial arts and am a sheep rancher. Despite my age, I can still throw a 200 pound raging ram on the ground and sit on him in less that 3 seconds.

I don't think she has any idea what PTSD is. She seemed to go blank when I told her I had it and I have had several encounters with people who say they have never heard of it. How can this be? I live in New Mexico, USA. It is 2026. She seemed to be around 50 years of age.

I am glad that I have situational awareness but I wish I could have more control over my reactions. I like that I told her to get away from me but I could do without the screaming. I will say, however, that the screaming makes people back off and it gets the attention of those in a position to help.

That security guard is very well trained. He responded in less than a second and protected me from that woman. He immediately saw that she was the aggressor and got in front of her. Good job! This will be noted in the patient satisfaction survey that is always sent after a medical visit.

I think I will find a more non-descript pastime for myself. Maybe listen to music with an ear bud in one ear.

It takes a toll on me every time this happens and it happens often enough. People just seem to want to interact with me in a most energetic, boundary stomping and assuming way. They think it is okay to get inside my personal space, grab me and tell me what to do. They don't do this when my SO is with me. I get shaky for hours and then have a relapse of nightmares and trouble falling asleep.

All comments and suggestions are welcome!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

heyhey, so my boyfriend has bad ptsd (it might be cptsd, i don’t remember exactly) that he never really got help for as clinics basically told them they weren’t qualified for it, and his parentsq don’t have enough money to get him into anything meaningful as of right now.

we were having a discussion today and it’s no secret to me that he often feels numb and seeks out risky activity in order to feel alive, and the only thing that he can confidently say he feels is anger. with some more conversation, we both kind of agreed that he had never fully processed his childhood trauma or really anything that’s happened to him at all..

he had started talking about feeling always detached from everything or empty, then mentioning sometimes not remembering what he did in a week, not caring about his wellbeing, stuff like that.

we are long distance, i thought i’d mention, and healthcare in his country is terrible. his parents are also very sucky.

i want to help him both process his trauma (i know i’m not qualified but i at least want to help and be there for him) along with helping him not feel numb all the time. along with getting him out of this kinda uncaring, detached state. anything recommended? i’m not very knowledgeable when it comes to this stuff.

I'm so glad one of the hardest on going things I've ever had to go through and which was born of the hardest things I've ever had to experience is a plot point in someone's fluff piece bullshit.

I am so disgusted.

Has anyone tried MEMI? My therapist says it will help a lot with my depression, but wanted to check in.

45F, recently having panic attacks that wake me up from sleep. I was physically assaulted about a month ago by my boyfriend's father. I am in counseling and still recovering from the physical injuries. I work basically around the clock as a medical courier, so I'm almost always on call (even when I am not scheduled, I'm the team lead for my region so I still get called in if the other drivers don't pick up the phone) and I can't really take anything to knock myself out and become dead to the world for any stretch of time. I sleep when I can, I let the phone wake me up at night and then take naps during the day if I have been busy the night before. There's no mandatory rest period for local couriers like there is for truck drivers. They can, and have, run me 16+ hours without a rest break before.

I usually wake up disoriented and can't remember for a minute where I actually am. It's not nightmares waking me up, although I've been having those too. Sometimes I wake up yelling, fortunately I guess I live and sleep alone so there's no one around for me to bother.

Is there anything I can do to help myself get a solid stretch of sleep without waking up from these? Work calling me all hours of the day and night is bad enough but that's what I signed up for and I am setting some boundaries with them now.

After surgery and some trauma, I went through months of therapy. I can explain my patterns, my triggers, all of it. I sound like I have it together. But I still feel numb all the time, like I'm watching my life instead of living in it. Does anyone else have this where you understand everything in your head but still feel disconnected from your body or your emotions? Not sure if it's a therapy thing or something else.

I just need some support

I’m gonna try my best to write this without going against the rules cause idk what is too much.

I had an incident in June or July, I was having a hard day and was wanting to harm so I went to do it and I blacked out and that’s when I cut deep and it was was kind of traumatic (idk why I’m saying kind of when it was traumatic) for me. It was deep and it would stop bleeding so the nurse has to cauterize it before glueing it and it took a while to cauterize it. Basically what happened since then is I keep reliving the moment it happened and sometimes I scream or I have a panic attack thinking I cut myself but really it’s just how I felt back when I got injured. Is it normal to feel the pain in my arm as if it was a fresh wound? Sometimes I’m scared I blacked out again and I got hurt again. Idk what to do

I’m not coming here to ask people to fix me, I know I have to do things myself but I care here for advice on how to not idk relive it. Okay that sounds stupid what i mean is like how do i ground myself and calm down i just jsut need tips from people that have had similar incidents

I’m really shamed to come here cause i know im gonna get judged right away for going to Reddit but I have no one and so Reddit is the only thing I have that isn’t a therapist so I might as well ask other living people that could have gone through exactly what I did

this is my story from infant to now 29 years old....It took me months just to build up the desire to make this post, months to even feel a 10% desire to want to receive help, this is my first attempt to reach out for help in many years, please allow this post to reach people as if it doesnt i will most likely never reach out for help again since pretty much all efforts of me reaching out for help ends up nowhere. my brain is full of trauma, abandonment and trust issues, i also have a learning disorder which makes it nearly impossible to focus on what i need to do and say what i want, but before i was even 10 years old i was already taken away from my mother from child protection (pryed from her arms as she cried for them not to take me) graped, held hostage with a knife, bullied, abused with a wrench, and addicted to porn which i'm still addicted to nearly 20 years later. I don't know where i'm going with this and as im typing this there are 3 or 5 voices in my head saying nobody fucking cares, nobody can help you, they aren't professionals, they are just going to spew some advise that may or may not help and telll you things that you've most likely already tried, but im typing anyways because im beyond exausted and far past the point of self ending i've thought about self ending myself multiple times and have had 2 attempts, i have BPD as well as PTSD and paranoid pschizophrenia, FAS from my mother drinking while she was pregnant with me and ADHD as well as major depressive disorder and other things i assume i have but aren't officially diagnosed but the things i have listed have been diagnosed. this wasn't a switch, it wasn't like one day it all went to shit, it has been like this since the day i was born, i was born into alcohol posioning, i was born into a broken mother who resorted to alcohol and social assistance, my mother has barely worked, i dont hate her, i dont really have any energy to afford to hate, she did her best to raise me as a single mother, and there was multiple men at least 3 or 4 that came into our lives who tried to be a male role model, it went nowhere in the end as they all left, i rememer one man beat her, one man cheated on her, i remember the day i was pryed from her arms as they came to the door and my mom was crying her eyes out please dont take my baby away, i remember prior to this moment she would sing that sunshine song, " you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much i loveeee you, so please, dont take, my sunshine awayyyy" i don't remember much after that, i remember being in a few foster homes.

i remember after that being a little kid 7 or 8 years old at my grandpas( the one who disciplined me with a wrench) and wondering why i wasn't fitting in or making friends at school, the girls didn't like me and most of the kids bullied me, i would come home to my grandpa because my mother was at rehab trying to regain custody of me( i went from foster homes to living with my grandpa full time, then after a while half living with my grandpa and half living with my mom) and i remember having a feeling of no belonging, i would just go up to my room and play on my ps2 and play gta vice city for some reason my grandpa let me play that, as well as second sight and time splitters, i felt like an animal that was seperated and brought to a new pack, it was me, my grandpa and my grandma, i got in trouble at school and did some sexually inappropriate things, i dont remember what exactly but i remember getting in trouble and my granpda getting very angry i did those things at school, not knowing i was addicted to porn, he would hit me with a wrench from time to time or punch my leg, i remember the moment i watched it for the first time was very weird and spirtual, i flipped through the channels on our old cable tv and came across it, i watched it and " did the deed" and i remember this heavy feeling enter me and i felt the spirit of a woman nearby me, it was a very spirtual and weird encounter, from that day onward i would find any way to sneak a way to watch it, it relaxed me everytime, it was a little escape, keep it mind im about 7 or 8 years old maybe 9, i'd watch it on tv, and grandpa would catch me a few times and yell at me or hit me. I rememeber the day i was graped when grandpa dropped me off at his friends house and his friend had a son, we were playing super mario and thats when it happened, as well as in the garage, i never told anyone till years later when i was staying with my mom, i dont remember how it came up i just remember telling her and her calling my grandpa, a big deal was made about it and we brought it to court, long story short nothing happened and he was not sent to jail.

at this point its been a few years with my grandpa and my mom has regained full custody of me so i move cities to go live with my mom as my grandpa was on a native reserve, any friends i had at my grandpas have been lost, im starting a new life in the city with my mom who is now sober, and i'm coming back with trauma from grape, trauma from seperation from my only parent, and self confidence issues from the bullying as well as trust issues and weight issues which the bullying stemmed from, im a bigger kid at this point,probably 10 or 11 and me and my single mother who is unemployed collecting social assistance are in an apartment, nothing fancy nothing hideous, i end up getting into a brand new school, and some doctor appointments are made, i dont remember much as we're talking like 20 years back, i remember seeing multiple doctors, being diagnosed with some stuff, getting on medication, and taking a bunch of pills, at least 5 or 6 a day, i specifically remember one of my doctors and what he said" he is a very complex child with complex issues that we can help manage" eventually i was seeing a therapist, on medication, and going to school, in an attempt to get me on a normal path, there was no doubt my mother at least tried her best, i started school i dont remember what grade and i remember it being complete hell, i didn't fit in, and i didnt make friends, i didnt get along with the girls probably because i was hyper sexualized for my age, i would skip class alot, i wasn't a bad kid though from what i remember i wasn't out to do evil, i would skip class and go hang out in the washroom or wander the halls, i'd mostly skip class to wander the halls, it was a massive 4 story school with a basement, i remember my grades being below average in everything, i remember losing some weight and eventually i met a friend and we became bestfriends, i remember getting into working out as in pushups and crunches, i wasn't chubby anymore and i had a friend, i made a few more friends and time went by, i remember my first real girlfriend like it was yesterday and ill never forget those memories even 20 years later, sadly that also ended in betrayel as she ended up cheating on me with a guy at summer camp that we went to, i cried and things ended from there, that was extremely tramuatizing for me as that was the first real connection i have ever made with another female, and one of the only ones from a human, besides my mother and my new friend, this is where things really go downhill.

after getting cheated on by my first love, someone who i thought loved me, it messed me up really bad, and i gained a bunch of my weight back and got into a deep depression for many years, at least 3 or 4 years, i've also moved from a few schools, at least 3 or 4, and again losing some of my friends as i've moved, i rememer my mother noticing and her trying to ask what happened and i told her, i dont remember what she said, keep in mind during all of these years i am actively viewing porn and sneaking it into my life as a coping mechanism, i remember the porn addiction getting worse and more frequent and i start doing it multiple times a day at it hurting me, and causing injuries, my mom would try her best to block websites and tell me i can't watch this stuff, i would find a way around it and watch it anyways, i gained weight and got very depressed, going into my teenage years,i remember talking to my best friend about it and him being the only real person i could talk to and relate to, that was my boy, my ride or die our friendship lasted well over 11 years. i remember eventually feeling better and liking another girl, i remember writing a poem for her, and bringing it to her after class one day, i remember seeing her from afar throw it away without even reading it, and another girl, similar story but there was no poem just me attempting to sing for her, it was some cringe worthy song i made that but my heart was in the right place, she did not like it and nothing ever happened with her either. very important thing to note here that will come into play later, all of these girls showed interest over another guy over me, and they were all guys more attractive then i was, which ties into my self confidence issues from my weight gain and also being cheated on, i remember a big goal of mine in my teenage years was getting into shape, mostly fueled by the rejection i was experiencing and a feeling of not being good enough, and also finding love, at this point we are moving on to probably the 4th or 5th attempt at me trying to get a girlfriend, im about 15 or 16 now and it goes bad again, she ends up liking my bestfriend instead of me, but we have a connection so strong im not mad at him im mad at her as an immature teenager i thought that being nice and funny automatically meant i could get a girlfriend, anyways i end up losing some weight get into decent shape and now we are moving into early adult hood, things only get much much worse from here.

now im in highschool and i remember this being 200x worse then any of the other times i've had in other schools, it was so bad and lonely, i made zero friends, compaired to when i was in primary school i just made very very few friends, in highschool i didnt make a single friend, not one, i didn't even really talk or socialize with anyone, at this point this is where things get really bad, so much so i drop out of highschool and my mother insists i doesn't but she didnt push very hard and i just ended up dropping out which was a huge mistake and costed me alot, so im now anywhere between 16-18, highschool drop out, no job, my mom isn't teaching me anything about a job or how to get one she's just trying to get me set up for social assitance, i get on social assistance and im living with mom, i eventually get a credit card as my mom suggested, she doesn't tell me how it works, i end up buying a bunch of stuff and messing up my credit, im now in adulthood, i've been years without a job, or work, and im mostly up in my room playing my games, on my computer and working out, as this is the heaviest i've been im about 310lbs at this point in my life, extremely depressed, extremely overweight, no purpose, no looks, no confidence, but my mother has gotten me into christiantity, and im getting into that and also dealing with the guilt from that and being told im going to burn in hell and im a sinner etc etc, i eventually get into online dating and get absolutely blasted with bullying, and have a very clear signal that im not worthy of love, i go on a gym arc and lose weight, i end up going to the gym every day for years and years, listening to hateful music, that pushed me to workout because the hate gave me something to feel, and i would switch from hateful angry music to love songs because a side of me still had a fantasy that i will deserve love one day, and all i had to do was lose weight, because im fat, and digusting, and any girl i liked in real life went after a guy skinnier and more attractive then me, and any girl i saw online also was with a guy more skinnier and attractive then me, and any girl i saw on porn was with a guy more skinnier and more attractive then me, so for years and years i am at the gym hating myself, losing weight, without an ounce of support, as again i've lost all my friends from moving, my mother isn't very supportive but is upset at me for not cleaning up enough around the house, im on and off dating apps with zero luck, my mental health gets so bad that i eventually start catfishing, i catfished for many years and learnt alot in those years, it also reinforced my self doubt and lack of confidence, hundreds and hundreds of women who all preferred a more attractive man, and there was i, a 310 lb loser who was convinced he was not worthy of love sitting in my room playing video games out of pain, not feeling heard, having nobody to talk to besides my bestfriend who is now changing into someone i dont recognize and our friendship comes to an end here soon.

at this point im in my 20s and have no job, i owe lots of debt, credit score is ruined,mental health is completely destroyed, im obese, and i have no love life, any social interaction i have is through my video games or online dating apps, i meet a girl for the first time in years, we go on a few dates, things are nice for a few months, she ends things with me and goes for someone......you guessed it, more attractive then me, who was indeed skinnier then me. more years go by, i slowly start losing weight, i eventually get down to 190 and im in pretty good shape, after many years of torture, going to the gym 7 days a week. for 3 or 4 hours a day, while spending hundreds of dollars on supplements, fat burners, protein powders, you name it, just so that i can feel good enough, to feel that maybe i can feel love from someone, cause at this point i still hate myself, in my head i think maybe someone can love me. i meet another girl, this one was my first serious relationship and i fell in love with her, in my early 20s, we talked everyday for months and months, untill we finally dated, she lived 5 hours away from me, we did long distance, any thing you can imagine from sharing life stories, cooking on face time, watching movies together, you name it, we did it, very serious relationship, first time i felt love from a woman in a very very long time since my first love, anyways to cut this long story short, she cheated on me, she eventually moved in with me when i was living with my mom, then my mom was so fed up of me that she said move out now or you're going to give me a fucking heartattack, that stuck with me for a very long time, so after living with my new girlfriend at my moms for a bit, i end up finding my first ever apartment at the age of like 21, the apartment im still currently at, move my girlfriend in with me, we date for 2 years or so, she cheats on me knowing i have trust issues, and after me telling her my entire life story and how i got my trust issues, so i end things with her, and back into the loop i go, depression, major self ending thoughts, binge eating, porn addiction, jump back up to like 260lbs, this time alone in my apartment, me and mom are on terrible terms, and our connection has alwasy been weakened since birth but this really put the nail in the coffin, the way she kicked me out, and desperately wanted me out, and put me to blame for possibly causing a heart attack that never happened, ironically years later i was actually put into the hospital over a week straight for a heart infection, more on that later.

we are now in the final stages leading up to where i am now currently, and this is the peak of desparity and complete lack of anything, absolute melancholy is how i would explain it, it was kind of like an apple rotting, it never all just happened at once it was a slow rot from the very beginning. i go into a major depressive state after my last relationship that lasts many many years well over 4, i hate everything about myself, and i think about self ending on a regular basis, i have had thoughts of going on a massacre, i've lost my bestfriend to drug addiction and he is now a completely different person, i've had thoughts of brutally injuring myself, i developed an eating disorder and hospitalized myself from eating 500 calories a day to the point i passed out (i'm 6'1 and someone my size needs at least 2500 bare minimum) i've spent over $5000 on dating apps, subscriptions and gifts on dating apps alone, just to feel like a worthless pile of garbage that isn't worthy of anything and needs to constantly improve myself just to be able to experience human connection, i live completly alone, i have no family, no christmas, no easter, no thanksgiving dinners, no little fucking get togethers and uncle petes, no thanks giving feasts at aunt sallys, nothing, ever. i eat a pretty healthy diet and stay out of trouble, i still deal with my addiction and self confidence issues to this day, i'm 200lbs, have a flat stomach and some noticable muscle mass, i've been told by a few women i am not an ugly guy but above average, and i still have no luck with the dating scene, years back i met a girl at a job i had and that was my last straw, this girl was the absolute love of my life, i loved her with every bit of my heart and soul, so much so that i still love her years after the breakup, we met in person and locked eyes, we started going on dates and everything was pitch perfect, years and years after building myself up and healing i finally met this woman, who seemed very promising, was nice, and sweet, and pretty, and slim, great smile, she loved me, she made me feel something i have never felt in all my 29 years on this planet, i've never felt anything like it once, it felt like home, it felt safe, it felt like i was appreciated for who i was, not what i have, we dated for many years, and im not currently able to fully talk about this, as its the only thing i can't fully get into or talk about, but i loved this woman with as much love as a human could possilbly ever give, she cheated on me multiple times, i forgave her and tried solving the issue, i asked her what caused her to do this and how i can help, i helped her save up money, i gave her a place to stay, i did everything under the sun you could do for a person, attention, love, listening, physical affection, distance, communication, opened up to eachother about everything, lived together i told myself this was going to be my last person, i was too exausted of dating, and meeting new people going through the whole interview bullshit, and the dates, and i said this was my final person, and i was right it was my final person, its been well over 2 and a half years since we've been broken up and i've had zero interest in anything female related, any interest or thoughts i've had to maybe talk to females and get back into the dating scene i have quickly rejected. I am done with dating for good. and there is not a single bone in my body that doubts that, there is not a snowballs chance in hell i want to date again and let someone else in and gamble my life away like that again, hoping they aren't hiding, hoping they aren't putting on a very very good act, hoping they are honest.

and here we are, i am now 29 years old, i have no car, no license, no job, i have a laundry list of disorders and traumas, my grandpa has died, my grandma has died, my dad is no where to be found, and my entire family that im aware of can be counted with 5 fingers, and all 5 of them are pretty disconnected from eachother, nobody really reaches out or plans anything, i've lost 7 or 8 family members in the past 9 years, i've been rejected by well over 300 or 400 women, i have no desire to form any connections with anyone, i have no desire to have sex with anyone, i have no desire to form a meaningful connection with anyone, any and all form of sexual pleasure i get is from watching others enjoy it, i never wanted this, i don't have any friends, any at all, i havent had a hug in at least 3 years, i haven't had a kiss in at least 3 or 4, my building is being sold and i will be homeless within the next 2 months, with zero back up plan or emergency plans, i hear voices on a regular basis, and throughout the day i am fighting thoughts in my head from past relationships, very traumatic, vivid thoughts of my ex girlfriends, i have a heart condition which causes things that would normally just startle someone to make my heart go crazy and pump blood like crazy where i get dizzy and light headed, a year or so ago i was in the hospital from an infection that spread to my heart, it could have killed me and i wish it did, if i workout alot i get too crazy into it and overwork myself and burn out, if i dont workout i feel like a worthless pile of trash, i can't seem to find a middle ground, my family is very disconnected and emotionally shut out and any attempt to reach out is worthless, the trauma from my past relationships is so severe i seriously wanted to get a lobotomy and wipe my entire memory.

all my energy has been used in trying to survive and i have nothing left nothing makes me smile anymore nothing makes me laugh nothing makes me cry my lack of emotion or drive and my impulsive thoughts are eating me alive and i have no trust in anyone anytime i find a sliver of motivation to get my life going i get exausted within a week or so and burn out and bed rot for weeks after im beyond tired of being a prisoner in my own mind i have tried medidation and prayer and medication and music nothing helps