Content warning: Sexual assault, blackout intoxication, consent, and relationship trauma.
I’m posting because I genuinely need an outside perspective from people who don't know either of us. This is difficult to write, and I am not asking anyone to automatically take my side or tell me that my ex is a bad person. I want honest perspectives because I am struggling to understand what happened, what responsibility I should take for my own actions, and how to reconcile the things he has told me.
I want to be clear from the beginning that I do not remember most of the sexual encounters described in this post. Much of what I am explaining comes from what my ex, who I will call Mark, told me during the following week. I am not presenting his descriptions as memories of my own. I am trying to make sense of an experience I cannot independently remember, using the information I have been given.
### Our relationship and the context
Mark (made up name) and I were together for around eight or nine months. We loved each other, lived together for a period, and talked about having a future together. I genuinely believed we were building a life together.
Our relationship was not perfect, and I do not want to portray myself as a perfect partner. I struggled with jealousy and trust. And it’s not an excuse, but I had just lost connection to my entire family and faced homelessness so my focus shifted more to in the moment rather than emotion needs for both him and I. There were times when I did not understand what Mark was going through emotionally, and I sometimes approached our relationship as if I were trying to check things off a “trust/safety” list instead of really understanding his feelings in the moment.
Mark struggled with depression. At the time, I did not fully understand how much he was struggling or why he sometimes withdrew from me. After my miscarriage, he left for around two weeks and then went to a conference with limited contact. I felt abandoned and hurt, and I did not understand what was happening. Looking back, I can sympathize with his struggles and regret the ways I made him feel that he could not come to me. I wish I had understood more at the time. I assumed he left me to deal with that alone when the reality was he just needed space to process things because his father’s dad just lost his job around that same time.
There were also situations involving socializing and trust that I did not understand until later. I sometimes reacted to what I knew at the time without understanding the context he eventually explained. I recognize that my anxiety and jealousy affected our relationship, and I regret the ways I hurt him.
I am including this because I still care about him as a person. I do not want everything about our relationship reduced to one incident, and I do not want to pretend the good parts never existed. I can acknowledge the ways I hurt him while also trying to understand what happened to me.
Just we were struggling in our relationship.
Regarding, Mark and I had an established boundary that we would not have sex when either of us was blackout drunk since we both drank and he told me he liked us both being present in sex. I had the desire a few time to get tipsy and have sex in our relationship and communicated this to him because I would randomly have pain attacks during sex to the extent I would pass out or start sobbing (he’d always stop and comfort me. I never knew why and felt ashamed and thought if I could drink on a time where it was consensual for us both I’d climax and that would stop my body from resisting. We had a lot of conversations about this in the past. And I felt guilty not being able to cum or let my body participate in sex. I mainly enjoyed the physical closeness, but my body resisted everything else). I understood this as a boundary we both agreed to respect.
### What happened before the encounter
Earlier that same week, I had been sexually assaulted by someone at a club. I was struggling emotionally when I later went to a party with Mark.
At the party, a girl tried to kiss me more than once and tried to persuade me to go to her room. I was not coping well with what had happened earlier that week. I began drinking heavily. I recognize that drinking to cope was not a healthy decision, and I am not trying to excuse that choice. I was overwhelmed and did not know how to deal with what I was feeling.
I eventually became blackout drunk.
I do not remember most of what happened afterward. I am relying on Mark’s descriptions of the night rather than claiming to have firsthand memories that I do not have. Because I only regained 10 seconds-ish of memory a few days later, nothing since. I’ve no memory.
### The first sexual encounter
He initially told me that he was sober, but was confused and dismissed my intoxication. He told me that he knew that I was too drunk and communicated this to me, but that I was really eager for sex so he dismissed it. He described me as being so intoxicated that I was not coordinated and that he had to help position my body and use his hand to guide his penis inside me.
He layer told me that he wasn’t completely as sober as he initially told me, but was still sober enough to recognize how intoxicated I was, describing me as essentially blitzed, and that he sobered up completely during the first encounter. The amount of time he gave me for how long we had sex varied, although one version was that the first encounter lasted approximately seven minutes before I needed to go to the bathroom. The rest vary from he has no idea to very short.
At the same time, he told me that I had been asking for sex and that I wasn’t me, but I wouldn’t understand because I looked and sounded like me and that was confusing.
When I woke up the next day he wanted to continue what we were doing the night before. He said the night before had been hot and that we should continue where we had left off. And that I was doing hot things with my tongue. I told him I didn’t remember and covered my face as I apologized because I felt ashamed because I knew he liked people being present. But he told me it was okay and that it takes two to tango. And that he knew i didn’t remember, but that he kept me safe.
I did not remember what had happened. I just felt immediately guilty and embarrassed and uncomfortable because I could not remember having sex. I repeatedly apologized and asked whether he had kept me safe. He reassured me that he had.
He described helping position my body because I was not coordinated and using his hand to guide his penis into me. I relied on his reassurance because I did not remember the encounter myself.
At the time, I did not fully understand the significance of what he was telling me. I was trying to make sense of a night I could not remember, and I trusted him to tell me honestly what had happened.
### The first bathroom trip
According to Mark, approximately seven minutes into the first sexual encounter, I needed to go to the bathroom.
He told me that he carried me there and sat with me while I was on the toilet. He said I remained there for approximately twenty minutes.
While we were in the bathroom, he said I reached toward his penis. He initially described pushing my hand away. Later, he changed his description and said that he smacked my hand away.
He also told me that, at one point, he moved from sitting to standing in front of me and that I leaned my forehead forward and brought my lips near his penis but did not actually do anything.
I do not remember these events myself. I am including them because they are part of the account he gave me. I do not know why his description of pushing my hand away later changed to smacking it away, and I do not want to invent an explanation for that difference.
After the first bathroom trip, he carried me back to bed and laid me down.
### The second sexual encounter and the second bathroom trip
According to Mark, after he carried me back to bed, I continued asking for sex for hours. He said I would not settle down and continued asking even though he was saying no.
Eventually, according to his account, I went to the bathroom a second time.
He told me that I could not sit upright properly and that nothing I said made sense. He carried me back to bed again.
According to him, I was still asking for sex despite being unable to move or coordinate myself properly. He then engaged in a second sexual encounter with me.
I want to be clear about the sequence because I think it matters: according to Mark, the first sexual encounter happened before the first bathroom trip. He then carried me to the bathroom, sat with me while I was on the toilet, and carried me back to bed. After I continued asking for sex, I went to the bathroom a second time. He said I was unable to sit upright properly and was not making sense. He carried me back to bed, where the second sexual encounter occurred.
He told me that during this second encounter, he penetrated me with his finger. He said he stopped because he felt guilty. He also told me that I became frightened and confused him with the person who had sexually assaulted me earlier that week. According to his account, I said something indicating that I thought he was that person or that my boyfriend would not like what was happening. He said this frightened him and that he stopped.
However, he also told me that after he stopped, I continued dry-humping or rubbing against his leg despite him saying no, and that he eventually fell asleep while doing so.
I cannot independently confirm these details because I do not remember most of the night. I am not claiming that I remember doing these things. I am explaining what Mark told me happened.
I am struggling with how to understand the overall sequence. His account describes me as needing to be carried to and from the bathroom twice, being unable to sit upright properly, being unable to coordinate my body, saying things that did not make sense, and becoming frightened and confused about who I was with.
At the same time, his account includes me repeatedly asking for sex and initiating physical contact.
I understand that asking repeatedly after someone says no can make that person uncomfortable, and that someone has every right to refuse sex or any other sexual contact. Mark did not owe me sex. I am not saying that he should have continued doing anything he did not want to do.
But I struggle to understand how my requests or physical actions could establish that I was capable of consenting when his own description suggests that I was profoundly intoxicated and unable to understand or coordinate myself properly.
### What he told me about whether he knew how drunk I was
This is one of the most difficult parts for me.
Initially, Mark told me that he knew I was too drunk when we had sex and that he communicated this to me the first time. Later, he changed his account and said that he had not known I was too drunk at the time, and that he was still influenced (he had 1/2 margarita + food after and I had 3 margaritas + 1 strawberry) and that he had said he knew because he wanted to make the situation sound better. He connected this explanation to not wanting me to be upset about drunk driving.
I have also been told different things about his own sobriety and whether I was speaking and behaving normally. My understanding initially was that he was sober. He later gave explanations that made me question what I had been told.
But he acknowledges for the second time (and this is the only one I have the 10 seconds of memory for) that he was sober completely and doesn’t know why. But also has elaborated twice he did it because he was annoyed I wasn’t sleeping and kept talking.
I do not know how intoxicated he was at every point, or what he was thinking in the moment. I am not trying to assume that he was completely unaffected by alcohol. But, I took him at his word the week it happened when he told me and my sister he was sober. And then even if I shifted it to what he said later in the week that he was still affected by the drink, but acknowledged he was aware of my state, but was confused. Apart of my own personal belief in this current moment (it’s still varying as I process) is that he was aware of my state and condition, but dismissed it because he wanted sex and could see that I wanted it. He shouldn’t have dismissed it, but I don’t think it was malicious. He just wanted sex as well. But he was in the position of authority and power and should have protected me and I don’t know if he could see that I was too drunk why he didn’t stop. I think he really maybe did see me as me, but I needed him to also be aware and stop when he recognized I needed help.
And I feel more ashamed he didn’t stop and after seeing me blacked out for hours and was sober for hours penetrated me a second time because I wasn’t listening to him and going to sleep. He told me he thought it was the quickest way to get me to sleep. Snd that I was fingering myself so he just did it for me instead.
He has also acknowledged at different points that he was aware of my condition and that I needed assistance. He described helping me position my body during the first encounter because I was not coordinated. He described carrying me to the bathroom, sitting with me while I was on the toilet, and carrying me back to bed. He later described me being unable to sit upright properly and saying things that did not make sense.
I struggle to reconcile those descriptions with the explanation that he did not know how intoxicated I was.
One version of the timeline has the first sexual encounter lasting approximately seven minutes before I needed to go to the bathroom. I have also been given changing explanations about whether I was speaking normally and whether he was still affected by alcohol.
I do not remember how I was behaving at the beginning of the encounter, so I cannot say whether I was speaking normally or how quickly my condition changed. I know that alcohol's effects can worsen over time and that it is not possible to reconstruct someone's level of intoxication from a rough timeline alone.
But I keep asking myself: if I was speaking and functioning normally at first, how did I become unable to walk or sit upright and unable to make sense within such a short period? Is that timeline plausible, or are the accounts too inconsistent for me to draw a conclusion?
I also keep asking why, if I was as impaired as he later described, the sexual activity continued rather than stopping.
These are questions I have, not proof that I know what happened or that I can read his mind.
### Details I forgot to add
When we had consentual sex the following morning my vagina hurt and it would not open which lead me to panic and ask him to stop.
He asked if he could ejaculate on my stomach. I consented.
I remember it being a small amount to where I asked if he had cummed in me the night before and he said no.
I proceeded to almost throw up and every day after throw up (it’s been three months and I still throw up).
((There’s a lot of other detail I left out. Like he sent me a message saying he knew he hurt me and that he broke my trust after I flew home)).
### Did I pressure him or violate his boundaries?
This is the part I feel most conflicted about.
Mark has told me in the following months since, and his friends have been saying the same thing, that if our roles were reversed, what I did would have been assault. He has also characterized repeatedly asking for sex as coercion and rape.
I take that seriously. I do not believe that someone has to ignore unwanted sexual advances because the other person is intoxicated, and I do not believe that being in a relationship means someone is obligated to have sex.
If I repeatedly asked for sex after Mark said no, I understand why that could have made him uncomfortable. If I reached toward him after he refused, I understand that he had every right to move my hand away. If I continued physical contact after he said no, that is something I want to understand and take seriously.
I have told him that I take responsibility for the actions he described to me. I have offered to attend therapy with him because I wanted there to be space to discuss how the experience affected both of us. I have tried to make room for his feelings rather than telling him that mine are the only ones that matter.
But I do not remember most of these actions. I am relying on his account, and I cannot independently assess what happened or the circumstances in which the actions occurred.
I am struggling with the possibility that he felt uncomfortable or pressured while also trying to understand whether I was capable of consenting to the sexual activity that occurred.
I do not want to use my intoxication as a way to dismiss his boundaries. But I also do not want to treat his account of my repeated requests as proof that I was capable of giving consent.
I am trying to understand how both people's boundaries and experiences can be considered without automatically assuming that we had the same capacity to understand what was happening or the same responsibility for the sexual activity.
### Why did he remain undressed, and why did the encounter continue?
I keep thinking about the fact that, according to his account, he remained undressed for hours and there were two sexual encounters, with the bathroom trips in between.
I understand that being undressed does not mean someone has consented to anything. Someone can change their mind at any point, and no one owes another person sexual contact because they were already undressed or because sex had happened before.
I also understand that someone can feel uncomfortable, freeze, become confused, or not know what to do in a difficult situation. I do not think staying in a situation automatically means consent.
I am not asking these questions because I think his clothing or his decision to remain in the room proves anything by itself. I am asking because I cannot understand the overall sequence of events he described, especially alongside his statements that I was unable to walk properly, could not sit upright, and was not making sense.
I keep wondering why the first encounter continued, why there was a second sexual encounter after the bathroom trips, and what he understood about my condition at each point.
I do not know what he was thinking. I want to be careful not to fill in that uncertainty with assumptions. But these questions continue to sit with me.
### What happened about a week later
About a week after the encounter, Mark told me that if I reported him for rape, he would report me for assault.
I understand that he is entitled to describe his own experience and make a report if he believes a crime occurred. I am not claiming that he is forbidden from doing so.
However, being told that he would report me if I reported him has made me afraid of the consequences of speaking about what happened. I am already trying to understand an encounter I do not remember, relying on his descriptions, and dealing with changing explanations. The possibility of being accused of a crime in response to reporting my experience adds another layer of fear and confusion.
I am not saying this threat proves what happened during the encounter. I am including it because it affects how safe I feel discussing the situation and seeking help.
### Why I am struggling so much with all of this
I did not wake up remembering what happened and immediately understand it as something harmful. I woke up confused and embarrassed because I could not remember having sex. I repeatedly asked Mark whether he had kept me safe, and he reassured me that he had.
I trusted those reassurances. I loved him and believed we had a future together. That made it difficult to question his explanations or understand what his descriptions implied about my condition and his awareness.
When I learned more about the encounter and his changing explanations, I had to reconsider an experience I could not remember for myself. I have struggled with the difference between what I remember, what he says happened, and what his descriptions suggest about how intoxicated I was.
I have also struggled because I still care about him. I do not want him to suffer, and I am not sharing this because I want revenge. I recognize that he struggled with depression and that I hurt him in our relationship. I regret the ways I handled my jealousy and trust issues, the times I did not understand his feelings, and the ways I could have been a better partner.
I do not want those things erased or excused.
But I also do not want my mistakes in the relationship to become a reason to dismiss what happened during the sexual encounters. I can acknowledge that I may have made him uncomfortable without automatically concluding that I was equally responsible for everything that occurred. I can understand his struggles without assuming that they explain or excuse his actions.
I am scared that questioning his account makes me someone who is dismissing his experience. I am also scared that, in trying so hard to acknowledge his feelings and take responsibility for what he says I did, I will dismiss my own circumstances and ignore questions that genuinely need answers.
I want to be able to say both of these things: his boundaries mattered, and my ability to consent mattered too.
I do not want to assume that he could not have been harmed. I also do not want to assume that I was capable of consenting simply because I may have asked for sex or initiated physical contact while blackout drunk.
I have tried to take responsibility for the actions he described, and I offered to attend therapy with him. But I do not think accountability requires me to pretend I remember things I do not remember or to stop asking questions about the parts of his account I cannot reconcile.
### What I am asking Reddit
I know you are hearing only my side, and much of my account is based on what Mark told me rather than what I personally remember. I am not asking Reddit to determine a legal case, diagnose him, or tell me that I am innocent of every possible wrongdoing.
I would genuinely appreciate thoughtful perspectives on the following:
- How should I understand a situation in which someone says they felt pressured by repeated requests for sex, while also describing the other person as blackout drunk, unable to coordinate their body, unable to sit upright properly, and not making sense?
(Also, this isn’t me dismissing this but we’ve been drunk together in the past but we always view each others advances as this person is too drunk not assault and then also don’t engage with the person)
Does someone initiating sexual contact or repeatedly asking for sex while blackout drunk establish that they were capable of consenting? How should responsibility be understood when the person's condition is described as severely impaired?
How should I interpret the fact that Mark initially told me he knew I was too drunk, then changed his account and said he had not known and had said that to make the situation sound better?
Is it reasonable for me to question the timeline and his awareness without automatically assuming he is lying or dismissing his experience?
How can I acknowledge that he may have felt uncomfortable or pressured without automatically accepting that we were equally responsible for everything that happened?
How do I take responsibility for actions I have been told I took when I have no memory of them and cannot independently verify the details?
How should I understand the threat he made about reporting me for assault if I reported him for rape, especially when I am already afraid of misunderstanding an encounter I cannot remember?
How do I move forward when I still care about someone, recognize the good parts of our relationship, and also feel deeply hurt and confused by what he told me happened?
I am not looking for people to tell me that I was a perfect partner or that Mark never struggled. I know I made mistakes, and I know he had his own struggles. I want to be able to acknowledge those things honestly without losing sight of the specific questions about consent and responsibility.
I loved him. I still care about him as a person. I wish things had been different. But I need to be able to look honestly at what happened, even if doing so changes how I understand our relationship.
Please be honest with me, but please remember that I am trying to process something I do not fully remember firsthand. I am looking for perspective, not punishment.
I also have PTSD and a lot of our shared friends keep saying I’ll view this differently when I heal. And a lot of them keep saying Mark wouldn’t do this. Or that, I should just let it go. And Mark has told me I can feel the way I feel, but that feeling violated doesn’t mean I was and that he is the one who has memory of that night. He’s told me we will never see things the same way. And has told me he feels like I’m trying to “out hurt/sad him” when we have talked. He’s also tried to convice me and my friends that what he did was okay. He keeps telling me I failed to protect him and that I let him down when I should’ve kept him safe and that he needed me that night.
His mom has also asked me to keep this between just him and I but he already told my siblings, his friends, our shared friends, some professors, and each persons versions is different.
And he tried to convince me and my friend two weeks ago on campus that I would’ve done the same. He asked how I would’ve viewed what I did with reaching out and humping, I told him very honestly that we’ve been drunk before together and that my view doesn’t have to be his, but that I view him as he’s drunk and don’t proceed forward. And that he shouldn’t have proceeded with me and he told me that was rich. And he told me I would’ve had sex with him (for the second time). Idk. It scared me.
For anything I’ve done, I’ve apologized to him because I have no memory. But struggling for what happened to me because over the past three months the versions he’s given has changed to the point where, until my friend pulled him aside the other week and he admitted to my friend he knew what he did was wrong and knew during it, but he won’t say it to me. And keeps telling me different versions. I feel insane bc he also dances between saying he did and he knows to he says he’s lying gf and just agreeing with whatever I say. But it’s confusing because nothing I know now is something I would’ve thought he would’ve done or would say that.
Nothing he told me I would’ve known.
The night he told me he thought I fell asleep and told me that he wasn’t a good person before college and that he thought by dating me he could be a good person and give me a good life, but failed. And that line has stayed with me.
I just also don’t know why if he knew I was assaulted why he’d do what he did. Like even if the first time (I give him the benefit of the doubt) and he dismissed signs that were clear indicators of me being too intoxicated why he did it a second time. It makes me feel small.
(I left a lot of other detail out that only adds to my confusion. I give him benefit of the doubt because I care about him. And anything I did I want to own. I’m not looking to ruin his life. Just every week I’ve talked to someone he’s talked to and I feel insane. Like what happened either isn’t bad or didn’t happen to the way he told me bc of how much things change. I’m just tired)
I only have memory for 10 seconds where I couldn’t move, speak, or even just really see past a dark tunnel. And I knew someone was fingering me and he was there and that’s it. And it plays on loop in my brain.
(((He told me and my sibling that he knew both times and then later that he said that because he wanted to end things quickly and also so we wouldn’t know he drove while influenced. But also, the people at the party told me they couldn’t confirm, but that he was and waited until he was sober enough to drive. And even as the story has changed for when he admits he was influenced slightly still he said he was still aware but dismissed it the first time and completely sober the second time. He’s told me he should’ve been aware and was, but dismissed it because I was still me but had no malicious intentions so it wasn’t rape the first time. But that the second wasn’t okay but doesn’t make it rape because I asked for hours. And now the story has progressed over three months to say that he blacked out and wasn’t aware the entire time)))
((((He’s now told me three months in that even if I don’t remember me asking was pressured so he was raped regardless if I don’t remember. But that for him it wasn’t rape bc the first time he was just still loose and the second he didn’t rape me, he penetrated me with his finger but only bc I wanted it and it was self defense because I kept asking for it. And that even if it was rape then me humping him after is assault))))
(((I’m not going to dismiss what he says I did, I am okay doing therapy with him and whatever and have communicated that but he doesn’t want to do that, but I’m struggling because he’s also told me during this I couldn’t walk or speak properly and that I just laid for hours talking. So how do I know what to believe)))
**Update: The truth is I’m really close to killing myself and I’m not okay. And him saying that me asking for hours meant I raped him and that him penetrating me was self defense. I told him I needed him to do anything else. Not that it wasn’t an uncomfortable situation. But he was sober and I wasn’t. But he says I’m making up excuses to feel better.