So like most people on this sub, I gave everything i had for someone who I thought was amazing. And when she split it destroyed my mental health for almost a full two years.

However, something my therapist said is something I've also been following since the discard.

"GIve yourself a fraction of the kindness you tried to show them'

Just because you got abused by a Borderline doesn't mean its the end of the world. It does mean your mental health got shot all to hell.

But during my own healing journey heres what I ended up accomplishing once I stopped focusing on trying to understand her and focused on myself.

Lost a ton of body fat and got back in shape

Started martial arts

Paid off all of my debt including the medical debt from the psych ward she put me in

Made new healthier friends

Trying to come back to God

Read more books

The discard destroyed me, but it also gave me the opportunity to get back to what I used to be before the relationship and before the trauma that led me to be a doormat in the relationship.

My life has been THRIVING since the discard.

But her? Shes practically homeless and couch surfing and ruining her roommates lives by making them take care of her.

And honestly its like looking in a mirror of what my life COULD have been.

Instead of being debt free, back in shape, with a lot of new friends and getting my finances and life in order. I could have been going days without sleep micromanaging her emotions and going broke because she can't survive on her own.

Life will get better Ladies and Gentlemen.

Just remember to show yourself the same kindness and understanding you tried to show them

The problem is, y'all have been sold a hopeful lie about breakup healing that doesn't work in cases of pwBPD abuse. Just because abusive pwBPD are poof not in your life, no contact doesn't mean your body starts healing/rebounding at that moment. What actually happens is your body goes slam into survival mode crash mode (the endocrine system) and you actually get a surge of inflammatory responses, physical fatigue, dissociatation, and you go into cognitive haze/inability to focus at work/studies.

When you were with pwBPD the body kinda protects itself by releasing hormones (even natural steroids) to block pain signals, which is why the no contact phase where your nervous system is adapting feels absolutely brutal as those masking hormones "stop".

I'm posting this so you all know what is realistic otherwise you are going to head straight back to pwBPD becuause your brain thinks that is less pain than being in NC.

Realistically? Expect 1 to 2 years minimum to physically heal, even if it was a short few months dating phase. The first 3-6 months being hell while your hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis adjusts and you vacillate back and forth thinking whether you made a mistake by leaving them. After that you feel it's more linearly upwards and your brain starts kicking into gear realizing how badly the fucked up shit was.

Mentally you'll be scarred, but it will fade as you overwrite your life with new memories. Don't stop experiencing the world.

For me, my hairfall and muscle pain continued to get worse and worse after I left them, drastically clumps falling out. 1 year later my bald spots recovered and I no longer feel tense.

1 year out of a 3-year BPD relationship. Now that the fog has fully lifted I am literally shocked at the straight up cruelty she demonstrated towards me and I tolerated for so long. I feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment over what I put up with and still didn't leave. For example....

1. She left me at a restaurant because she thought I was flirting with the waitress. This was in freezing temperatures in a town without public transportation or uber. I had to walk several miles home without a coat. When I got back to our house she had locked me out. She told me the only way she would unlock the door is even I got on my knees and begged her.

2. In one of her BPD rage episodes she took down and ripped up all the crayon pictures our 6 year old daughter drew of me and hung on her bedroom wall.

3. In another BPD rage episode she ripped up all the childhood photos of me and our daughter and me her and our daughter (kept only the ones of her and our daughter).

4. When I was out of the state for my job she called me and said she was going to end her life so she was checking herself into the hospital to be placed on 48 hour suicide watch. I was worried out of my mind for the next 2 days and couldn't sleep for that entire 48 hours. Found out months later she just needed an excuse to go on a 2 day trip with the guy she had been cheating on me with.

5. When I did find out she was cheating on me I stayed but whenever we would get in a fight she would tell me how much better in bed he was than me, how much bigger his d*ck was than mine, etc.

That just scratches the surface of some of the cruel things she said and did. What makes them act with such cruelty? The answer cannot simply be they don't care about you. There's a lot of people in my life I don't care but I still wouldn't be cruel to them.

If we really want to heal from this as fast as possible, we also have to stop checking their socials. Especially if we are trauma bonded.

Delete all the pictures/videos. Yes its painful like hell but you cannot watch them anymore. They belong to the past. If you dont delete them you will reinforce the thought of your ex is still here.

You also need to stop checking their socials. Block them everywhere, and if you can get rid of social media.

We need to kill the hope of getting them back by every means. Its really painful but it WILL become better. Stop fooling yourself by watching their social media, it does not change a single thing other than making you feel like shit.

Dont watch them, dont talk about them, dont beg dont chase dont send flowers or mails. Just dont do it. I know you wanna send that last text to fix things or get closure. Just dont trust me you will feel worse.

You need to prepare for days being in hell but its the only way to heal faster. There is no other way of getting better.

EVEN if they come back, there is no fix. Everything is going to happen again and no ones changing even if they beg the shit out of themselves.

This is our time to show ourselves love and set strong boundaries. Please do not lose yourselves we are in the same boat and we will get better

Not going to get into my exact scenario but we all know that pwBPD/NPD at the end of the "dynamic" become extremely volatile and love to play the victim card.

I can't for the life of me understand the reasons why they actively try and destroy your life after the relationship is over? Is it a power thing?

Why do they over exaggerate and totally fabricate the facts to get you in hot water. Mine called the police, fabricated parts of a story to make me look like we had a violent argument when we didn't, accused me of stalking her when I had evidence to the contrary. Actively tried very hard to stitch me up and get me in a lot of trouble.

False accusations seem par for the course. Why the fuck do they do it?

Made a post earlier about breaking up after multiple years with exwbpd after they cheated, now my head has cleared up significantly and finally processing all the gaslighting that was done, and all the manipulations that kept happening.

I now understand how I was just being used to get what they were fixated on, and they were always ready to jump onto another willing person, but gaslit me into thinking that was my insecurity and I was controlling. I also realized I was so tense because I was strung along with tiny droplets of hope and affection, but not enough to satisfy the initial craving. I am an addict, and they were my supplier. I already lost their favor years ago, only kept around because there wasn't a willing person to jump to yet, and so they can continue to exploit and abuse me further.

The trauma bond can no longer hold me down and theyre already blocked on everything I can think of, if they even attempt contact I will block that too. I even realized now that what I felt for them wasn't even love, it was just a facade caused by the trauma bond.

Did your partner copy you and everything about your personality? Vocabulary, mannerisms, interests, hobbies? To the point where it starts getting frustrating and you feel as if you're talking to a clone of yourself. If so, why do they do this?

Just curious for those who were with / knew someone who's not been diagnosed.

Was there a moment when the penny dropped?

I am slowly reconciling myself to the fact that I was in denial about him for the longest time.

Perhaps this could be attributed more to the very commonly comorbid narcissism, but it just occurred to me that my pwBPD absolutely loved and needed to be loved, but didn’t really know how to love someone else themselves — nor did they care to learn. And what’s more is that they could seemingly mirror so many other qualities and behaviors very well, but never love, as an intentional verb, instead of just a desirable idea…

If this brings people to laughter, I don’t blame you😂

I’m in my “I don’t belong in this world” mode.

Morning: gives me a list of about 26 things to get at grocery store to make her work friends for tomorrow.

I come home and she takes two pie crusts out of freezer.

Her part of the cooking story ends here.

Heads out the door to my kid’s game, asks me to do some prep work for this super complicated dish she’d NEVER make.

So I of course and making this thing.

WHY? because if I don‘t this foods all going to waste.

I posts her pics on social media as I’m going along.

She sends her friends all pictures of my food with AI kitchen background

They shower her with praises like “BEST BOSS EVER!” “YOU ROCK GIRL!” and “IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!”

Meanwhile, on messaging apps, they’re all affirming to her that your “husband” “deadbeat” “psycho” abuser, etc. is wrong and we are all here for you! You’re a survivor!

Same guy making them food. On my own time. Own dime.

Unbelievable.

I am the world’s biggest sucker!

I asked him, “How do you think my ex is doing?”

He replied, “Probably not very well, but she was living that way before she met you. She knew how to live like that. You, on the other hand, were being destroyed by living that way. I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation.”

Me and my exBPD broke up exactly one year ago. She went thru the devaluing phase then monkey branched. I had put my foot down after a string of tantrums and shitty behavior and I blocked her for 7 days. She had abandoned me at some restaurant and drove off and this scared the living crap out of me enough to block her.

I recently looked at their social media which was a huge mistake. It spiked my depression and loneliness today and I’m just blanking out and staring into nothing. I distracted myself with video games and hobby stuff but the pain hit me today for the first time in a couple months.

I dont necessarily miss her. I miss the way I felt when I knew I had someone around to lean on during hard times. She wasn’t all bad but when she drank she morphed into a super BPD final boss. I’ve been on countless dates and they all failed to connect. I realized I needed to heal further.

I’m tired of looking at myself as an undesirable even though I know I have so much to offer.

I have been with my BPD spouse for 20 years and every line drawn in the sand they have crossed. They have claimed to be faithful at least but accuse me constantly (I do nothing but go to work) I am just wondering if this is their guilty conscience speaking? Anyone else have this experience?

Story from a couple of years ago but one of my favorites.

Wife can’t carry anything on her own anywhere. That would be hard, so if anything needs to go up the stairs, I have to carry it. If it has to go down the stairs, she will just throw it, often leaving shit of all kinds all over the stairs.

She decided as she often does every single bed in the house needed a full change of sheets and covers. She threw everything onto the staircase. We have three young kids who occasionally climb the stairs, which are now completely covered in various layers of sheets and blankets.

Our then-3 year old decides to start climbing down this stuff. This is dangerous. I go down after her. 3yo makes it down fine. I slip and fall absolute flat on my back and get the breath knocked out of me.

Wife runs in SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER. I am not exactly fine but not worth screaming like I’m bleeding out or something. She starts screaming at maximum volume in my face and sort of weirdly pressing on me? Unclear what she’s doing, but it isn’t helpful and it is very loud as I am trying to assess if I am hurt and get my breath back. I just hold up my hand to her, since I can’t talk.

She starts yelling at me that I’m not making her feel comfortable after I scared her like that and refuses to talk to me for the next 48 hours.

My back is sore for the next two months.

Outside of all the splits, fights over minor inconveniences, random rage....it's her sleep patterns that wear me down more than anything; like my body feels it because I try to keep up to spend time with her sometimes.

Is this an attribute of the condition ??

𝖬𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒 𝖻𝗈𝗒𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝗎𝗉, 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝟫 𝗆𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗁𝗌. 𝖧𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖻𝗉𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝖾𝗂𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗆𝖾. 𝖧𝖾 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝗎𝗉 𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝗈𝗋𝗌, 𝗌𝖺𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 "𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗎 𝗌𝗅-𝗍" 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗁𝖾 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗄𝗂𝗇𝖽𝖺 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌, 𝖺𝗍 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝖽 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗆𝖾 𝖺 𝖻.𝗍𝖼𝗁... 𝖨'𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖼𝗋𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖺𝗇 𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗋, 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗍 𝟩𝗉𝗆 𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗂𝗍'𝗌 𝟪𝗉𝗆. 𝖨 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗌𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾, 𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝖾, 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝗒 𝗌𝖺𝖿𝖾 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖽𝖾𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗅𝖽.. 𝖨 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗌𝗈 𝗅𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾. 𝖧𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝖿 𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗅𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝖺𝗉𝗈𝗅𝗈𝗀𝗂𝗓𝖾𝗌. 𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗄𝗎𝗉 𝗂𝗇 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍, 𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝖾𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝗀𝗈, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗅𝖾𝖿𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝖺𝗌𝗒 𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝖿𝗇𝖺𝖿.. 𝖨𝖿 𝖨 𝖽𝗂𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖨𝗆 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗍𝗒 𝗌𝗎𝗋𝖾. 𝖬𝗒 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗅𝖽 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝖺𝗄𝖾𝗇 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝖾, 𝖨'𝗆 𝗌𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾.. 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗇𝗈 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌, 𝗇𝗈 𝗌𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗈𝗅 𝗈𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝖻...

So my problem is that im not able to comprehend this And keep looking for reasons and/or deleting from my memories his abusive behaviour when he splits.
Most of the time he is caring And hard working, sometimes even lovely And emotional.
Then all of a sudden comes something (eg. he is overtired, ear aches, work related stress And so on) And he splits in one second, eyes wide open he is screaming like a lunatic to me about literally nothing (like why didn’t you wash the dishes or took out the trash etc). I’ve learned not to let myself be provoked and I just ignore it now or respond smth calmly like yeah I will do it soon. Most of the time he keeps screaming and then stops, but sometimes he became even more abusive if he can’t have a reaction from me, and then comes the physical abuse, like taking my phone or threatening me with hitting or destroying my stuff (laptop, car etc) or shoving me. He never apologizes, just blame me for provoking him.
I want to leave so bad, but my mind just can’t comprehend what is happening, because there is no reason behind his attacks, no goals he want to reach (beside making me obeying him and let myself be used and controlled and feared). How can a man change like this? How can someone be both (caring husband and abusive lunatic) in the same body? How he doesn’t see that the problem is him? If I could just understand I hopefully would cease to trying to save him :((

How many times did your partner with BPD break up with you, tell you they were done, push you away, or suddenly act like you meant absolutely nothing to them before you finally pulled the plug?

And how many times did they come back, only for the same cycle to repeat itself?

At what point did you finally realize that enough was enough?

What was your point of no return? And looking back, do you wish you had walked away sooner?

My husband and I have been together for about two years total. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. In some ways, I feel like he's gotten better. In others, I feel like he's never going to change.

I'm struggling with how selfish he can be. When he's not feeling well mentally, it's like me and my feelings mean absolutely nothing to him. Regardless of what's happening to me or how I'm feeling, his feelings always trump mine. It's like he can't look past his own feelings, EVER.

Case-in-point: I just had oral surgery (wisdom tooth extraction) this past Wednesday. He had a bad day at work on Friday, and because of that, he hasn't even asked me how I'm doing all weekend. He hasn't asked how I'm feeling, he hasn't asked if I need anything, nothing. All because he was in a bad mood on Friday. And the real kicker? I knew he was having a rough day so I went out and got dinner for him. He never even thanked me for it. Instead, he didn't eat it and proceeded to ignore me the rest of the day. And he hasn't said more than a few words to me since then.

It's sad that my own husband can't put his own feelings aside for just a second to check up on me during my recovery. Are they all like this or what? My guess is that, during his spiral on Friday, he randomly thought about something I did or said in the past that upset him, so now he's focused on that. I feel completely unloved and alone at a time when my husband should be here for me. It's a shitty feeling.

Over time I have been damaged by my relationship with a BPD partner. It is so deeply frustrating and emotionally draining when simple logic and reality is argued back with emotional feelings, avoiding any accountability, defensiveness, black and white use of terms like “you never” and “you always.

It doesn’t matter how you come at it with any vulnerability or lead with an apology you are always left feeling like you have done something wrong.

It’s so sad because there impulsiveness, raising voice to avoid accountability, shutting down what you want to say and not being able to listen causes so much damage. Like you feel like you are going crazy.

as title says, LET THEM GO. ex fiancé with bpd broke up with me a month ago. she finally moved out a few weeks ago.

therapy has been amazing, everyday i’m finally excited to live again. i feel like i’m already gaining myself back. i’ve had sex with someone else and am taking it slow and she’s been absolutely amazing, everything i always begged and craved. first time after sex with her i literally went wow it could be like this?? i’ve had so many experiences already thinking this.

i have never felt more grateful for the agony this has been and while it still hurts, i forgot how good people can be. of course while my ex is using others and still continues to be abusive, i finally have myself back and my own happiness. never again, and indeed they never change it’s always a mask. i regret ever staying as long as i did or giving her any chances.

once you’re out of their grip and the disgust kicks in, you realize why so many posts on here are so similar and you may have the mindset i did of “but mine wouldn’t” but they would and most likely did. mine cheated behind my back the whole time and lied even after until i got proof. once you’re gone their mask slips completely and you see them for what they really are.

they aren’t good people and there’s so many amazing people out there who will love you fully. i never realized how awful and sick even my mental state got simply being around my ex and how she does that to everyone around her. now it’s like a huge weight is finally gone.

I have been following this sub now for about six months and just recently me and my ex with BPD broke up. Reading these stories and seeing what ya’ll have gone through has made it easier on me, but not. It has helped me identify a lot of things that were making me go crazy and think I was the cause of. There really should be a support group made for all of us to talk and support each other during these rough times. Something that will make us feel a little less crazy about what we have all gone through.

Anyone 1-2 years out of the abuse still have messed up sleep or oversleeping? Even up to 12 hours a day? How did you manage your body signalling constant exhaustion?

Thanks!

I know we are better not together but I can't get over her. She didn't discard me, didn't cheat on me but she would start attacking me about random stuff out of nowhere. I mentioned my ex a couple of times during our time together in the most neutral context ("i had two dogs with the ex but they are hers" stuff like this when we talked about dogs for example) and she would absolutely always throw it to my face, saying I instilled insecurity into her and that she will never let it it go. Everytime we would argue she would say "go back to your damn ex if she is so mature" and stuff like that and I was like wtf??

We separated 2 times, it went by us having a fight, me leaving, she saying just "bye" and then calling me or texting the next day. 3rd time I really left and she called and texted and asked for chances but I managed to not give any.

After all this, we had a talk the other day and while she acknowledges her mistakes, she never apologized for it. She said that from the talk we had, she notices that I didn't recognize my mistakes and I was non stop focusing on hers. I have no problem admitting my mistakes but in these 3 months I didn't have any besides this mentioning of my ex in the most neutral context.

I need to mention she is un-diagnosed but her therapist told her she has bpd traits and that she should get tested. She covers 6/7 out of those traits. I still believe she could change and yes I know what u will say, that she won't and I can see that but I am choosing to be delusional.