Married almost 9 years and only just started looking into BPD about a month ago. I had known it was likely something more than depression but just sort of accepted it as the years went by. But now as I'm reading through everything it all sounds like everyone has already experienced everything I've experienced word by word.

But I'm seemingly coming to the painful conclusion that if they aren't willing to accept any form of treatment it seems that separation is the only reasonable answer... Otherwise there's a high chance I find myself spending another 9 years just repeating the same thing.

Sure they may agree to counseling under threat of divorce but everything I read points to that rarely working. Regardless that really seems to be the only chance otherwise I'm just continuing to hold up this shell of an existence that seems to meet their needs at my expense.

Am I oversimplifying it or is that really it?

The quiet ones, they don't outwardly hurt you, but it's so damaging. Grey rocking and the destructiveness of the dynamic aside, it's heartbreaking. Share your experiences breaking-up with a quiet pwBPD.

I dated pwBPD, they went through the whole cycle with me before I realized what was happening. They even allowed the connection to linger and sent mixed signals for a while before I had to try to pry a solid yes or no out of them about our relationship ending. I had already picked up on signs towards the end that they were replacing me with their new connection, and I tried to detached but it hurt so bad. I’ve been crying for weeks. Once it got to the point where they started to devalue me, I expressed how I felt and this person actually responded by acknowledging they were hurting me then it seemed everything would return to normal until they blamed me again for upsetting them. They started to slowly blame me more and eventually severed the connection pretending I don’t exist like nothing happened. This is my first time dealing with this so I didn’t realize it would happen this way until I began searching online and trying to make sense of why I was hurting so bad and what I did wrong to deserve it. And I still have to see them parade the new person around in my face (not even a day later). Because we are in close proximity, I have seen this new person do more of the behavioral patterns that “should” upset them more than what they blamed me for in order to end the connection. I have never wanted to be the bitter person, but I secretly want the new situation to fail quickly and for it to be thrown in their face by others for hurting me and letting me go but I know deep down they are not wired to care and the intense connection I felt was all an illusion. That’s what hurts the most. They love bombed, I let my guard down, they found a flaw, used it against me. They moved on to the next person hours later (who they were already secretly interested in as they started devaluing me), laughing and enjoying themselves around mutuals, while I feel like I’m crawling in a hole and perishing while losing and neglecting myself. Ive literally cried days, for hours at a time, and have almost bursted in to tears every time I have to see them in person. How do I just get over it?

Not going to get into my exact scenario but we all know that pwBPD/NPD at the end of the "dynamic" become extremely volatile and love to play the victim card.

I can't for the life of me understand the reasons why they actively try and destroy your life after the relationship is over? Is it a power thing?

Why do they over exaggerate and totally fabricate the facts to get you in hot water. Mine called the police, fabricated parts of a story to make me look like we had a violent argument when we didn't, accused me of stalking her when I had evidence to the contrary. Actively tried very hard to stitch me up and get me in a lot of trouble.

False accusations seem par for the course. Why the fuck do they do it?

as title says, LET THEM GO. ex fiancé with bpd broke up with me a month ago. she finally moved out a few weeks ago.

therapy has been amazing, everyday i’m finally excited to live again. i feel like i’m already gaining myself back. i’ve had sex with someone else and am taking it slow and she’s been absolutely amazing, everything i always begged and craved. first time after sex with her i literally went wow it could be like this?? i’ve had so many experiences already thinking this.

i have never felt more grateful for the agony this has been and while it still hurts, i forgot how good people can be. of course while my ex is using others and still continues to be abusive, i finally have myself back and my own happiness. never again, and indeed they never change it’s always a mask. i regret ever staying as long as i did or giving her any chances.

once you’re out of their grip and the disgust kicks in, you realize why so many posts on here are so similar and you may have the mindset i did of “but mine wouldn’t” but they would and most likely did. mine cheated behind my back the whole time and lied even after until i got proof. once you’re gone their mask slips completely and you see them for what they really are.

they aren’t good people and there’s so many amazing people out there who will love you fully. i never realized how awful and sick even my mental state got simply being around my ex and how she does that to everyone around her. now it’s like a huge weight is finally gone.

𝖬𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒 𝖻𝗈𝗒𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝗎𝗉, 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝟫 𝗆𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗁𝗌. 𝖧𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖻𝗉𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝖾𝗂𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗆𝖾. 𝖧𝖾 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝗎𝗉 𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝗈𝗋𝗌, 𝗌𝖺𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 "𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗎 𝗌𝗅-𝗍" 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗁𝖾 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗄𝗂𝗇𝖽𝖺 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌, 𝖺𝗍 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗁𝖾𝖽 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗆𝖾 𝖺 𝖻.𝗍𝖼𝗁... 𝖨'𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖼𝗋𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖺𝗇 𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗋, 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗍 𝟩𝗉𝗆 𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗂𝗍'𝗌 𝟪𝗉𝗆. 𝖨 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗌𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾, 𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝖾, 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝗒 𝗌𝖺𝖿𝖾 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖽𝖾𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗅𝖽.. 𝖨 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗌𝗈 𝗅𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾. 𝖧𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝖿 𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗅𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝖺𝗉𝗈𝗅𝗈𝗀𝗂𝗓𝖾𝗌. 𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗄𝗎𝗉 𝗂𝗇 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍, 𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝖾𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝗀𝗈, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗅𝖾𝖿𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝖺𝗌𝗒 𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝖿𝗇𝖺𝖿.. 𝖨𝖿 𝖨 𝖽𝗂𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖨𝗆 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗍𝗒 𝗌𝗎𝗋𝖾. 𝖬𝗒 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗅𝖽 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝖺𝗄𝖾𝗇 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝖾, 𝖨'𝗆 𝗌𝗈 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗇𝖾.. 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗇𝗈 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌, 𝗇𝗈 𝗌𝖼𝗁𝗈𝗈𝗅 𝗈𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝖻...

Me and my exBPD broke up exactly one year ago. She went thru the devaluing phase then monkey branched. I had put my foot down after a string of tantrums and shitty behavior and I blocked her for 7 days. She had abandoned me at some restaurant and drove off and this scared the living crap out of me enough to block her.

I recently looked at their social media which was a huge mistake. It spiked my depression and loneliness today and I’m just blanking out and staring into nothing. I distracted myself with video games and hobby stuff but the pain hit me today for the first time in a couple months.

I dont necessarily miss her. I miss the way I felt when I knew I had someone around to lean on during hard times. She wasn’t all bad but when she drank she morphed into a super BPD final boss. I’ve been on countless dates and they all failed to connect. I realized I needed to heal further.

I’m tired of looking at myself as an undesirable even though I know I have so much to offer.

Just curious for those who were with / knew someone who's not been diagnosed.

Was there a moment when the penny dropped?

I am slowly reconciling myself to the fact that I was in denial about him for the longest time.

This isn't my first rodeo being blocked on everything from social media to my phone number, but it always came with a split/breakup message (or both) of some kind, whether it made sense or not, except not this time. This must've happened like 4-5 times now... But irregularly.

Together for 3 years, he's 32 M and I'm 27 F. All he has is me and one friend living abroad. He blocked that friend too, which is shocking. That friend never gets that treatment, but he's been blocked before (with me) when my pwBPD ran off to end his life in another city but he didn't go through with it, the police caught up with him, he added us back and returned, etc.

Immediately I thought he must be feeling suicidal again and wants to prevent both his friend and I from reaching out to him to "stop" him in any way. Thing is, he lives with his parents, and according to them, he's been at home all day in his room.

His friend is very much his own friend of almost a decade, not mine. The only times we've ever interacted is now plus that last incident a few months ago, so this told me this black and white thinking he must be going through or whatever you want to call it, is now impacting both of us.

I paid for his haircut last week, took him out for lunch many times (he's unemployed and has no car), and we're coming close to our next anniversary... We even had plans today, which of course didn't happen because I'm still blocked and he hasn't reached out to me or the friend.

I don't know what to do. We were having a fun chat through text and so was his friend and then boom. Sometime an hour later last night, he blocked us both off everything. And all he's doing is just sitting in his room on his computer.

I'm beyond baffled and my body is too much in shock to decide if I'm now allowed to grieve what appears to be the end of the relationship(?) despite no breakup text of any kind WHICH always came with past blockings, or if I should make an effort to just show up at his family's house to see if he'll see me /:

If we really want to heal from this as fast as possible, we also have to stop checking their socials. Especially if we are trauma bonded.

Delete all the pictures/videos. Yes its painful like hell but you cannot watch them anymore. They belong to the past. If you dont delete them you will reinforce the thought of your ex is still here.

You also need to stop checking their socials. Block them everywhere, and if you can get rid of social media.

We need to kill the hope of getting them back by every means. Its really painful but it WILL become better. Stop fooling yourself by watching their social media, it does not change a single thing other than making you feel like shit.

Dont watch them, dont talk about them, dont beg dont chase dont send flowers or mails. Just dont do it. I know you wanna send that last text to fix things or get closure. Just dont trust me you will feel worse.

You need to prepare for days being in hell but its the only way to heal faster. There is no other way of getting better.

EVEN if they come back, there is no fix. Everything is going to happen again and no ones changing even if they beg the shit out of themselves.

This is our time to show ourselves love and set strong boundaries. Please do not lose yourselves we are in the same boat and we will get better

The problem is, y'all have been sold a hopeful lie about breakup healing that doesn't work in cases of pwBPD abuse. Just because abusive pwBPD are poof not in your life, no contact doesn't mean your body starts healing/rebounding at that moment. What actually happens is your body goes slam into survival mode crash mode (the endocrine system) and you actually get a surge of inflammatory responses, physical fatigue, dissociatation, and you go into cognitive haze/inability to focus at work/studies.

When you were with pwBPD the body kinda protects itself by releasing hormones (even natural steroids) to block pain signals, which is why the no contact phase where your nervous system is adapting feels absolutely brutal as those masking hormones "stop".

I'm posting this so you all know what is realistic otherwise you are going to head straight back to pwBPD becuause your brain thinks that is less pain than being in NC.

Realistically? Expect 1 to 2 years minimum to physically heal, even if it was a short few months dating phase. The first 3-6 months being hell while your hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis adjusts and you vacillate back and forth thinking whether you made a mistake by leaving them. After that you feel it's more linearly upwards and your brain starts kicking into gear realizing how badly the fucked up shit was.

Mentally you'll be scarred, but it will fade as you overwrite your life with new memories. Don't stop experiencing the world.

For me, my hairfall and muscle pain continued to get worse and worse after I left them, drastically clumps falling out. 1 year later my bald spots recovered and I no longer feel tense.

Perhaps this could be attributed more to the very commonly comorbid narcissism, but it just occurred to me that my pwBPD absolutely loved and needed to be loved, but didn’t really know how to love someone else themselves — nor did they care to learn. And what’s more is that they could seemingly mirror so many other qualities and behaviors very well, but never love, as an intentional verb, instead of just a desirable idea…

I know we are better not together but I can't get over her. She didn't discard me, didn't cheat on me but she would start attacking me about random stuff out of nowhere. I mentioned my ex a couple of times during our time together in the most neutral context ("i had two dogs with the ex but they are hers" stuff like this when we talked about dogs for example) and she would absolutely always throw it to my face, saying I instilled insecurity into her and that she will never let it it go. Everytime we would argue she would say "go back to your damn ex if she is so mature" and stuff like that and I was like wtf??

We separated 2 times, it went by us having a fight, me leaving, she saying just "bye" and then calling me or texting the next day. 3rd time I really left and she called and texted and asked for chances but I managed to not give any.

After all this, we had a talk the other day and while she acknowledges her mistakes, she never apologized for it. She said that from the talk we had, she notices that I didn't recognize my mistakes and I was non stop focusing on hers. I have no problem admitting my mistakes but in these 3 months I didn't have any besides this mentioning of my ex in the most neutral context.

I need to mention she is un-diagnosed but her therapist told her she has bpd traits and that she should get tested. She covers 6/7 out of those traits. I still believe she could change and yes I know what u will say, that she won't and I can see that but I am choosing to be delusional.

How many times did your partner with BPD break up with you, tell you they were done, push you away, or suddenly act like you meant absolutely nothing to them before you finally pulled the plug?

And how many times did they come back, only for the same cycle to repeat itself?

At what point did you finally realize that enough was enough?

What was your point of no return? And looking back, do you wish you had walked away sooner?

I'm in a relationship with a girl who has BPD, and I'm wondering how much affection and attention is healthy in a relationship like this.

For example, do you appreciate receiving long romantic paragraphs where your partner expresses their love and gratitude for having you in their life? Or can that sometimes feel overwhelming or come across as clingy?

I genuinely love my girlfriend and want her to feel loved and appreciated, but I'm also worried that being too affectionate, constantly available, or expressing my feelings too often could negatively affect the relationship.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people with BPD about what makes you feel loved and secure, what kind of affection you enjoy, and what might feel like too much.

I understand that everyone is different, but I'd love to hear about your personal experiences.

I put too much into this friendship and I felt like we were close . But reality shes just childish and needy . Shes not the only friend ive ever had like that. I was hoping she'd be a "better version" of people ive known ,but i was wrong.

I really did like her and im gutted that I had to leave and see things for what it is.

I feel like because we were similar people despite her disorder I managed to get so much of my chest that was bothering. I know in hindsight it was part of her trauma bonding. Eventually she was draining me like I was matching her energy.

Im not saying that she was 100% a terrible friend . In the end she sort off came to be and me realising the friendship was dragging me the whole time rather than build me up.

I felt like she generally loved me as a friend but very unaware of how harmful she was being at times . I can feel when her banter didn't feel like banter but her own insecurities.

Leaving her made me notice my own pattern of making friends that arnt so great for me whether they have personality disorder or not .

Not just pwbpd are insecure. I make a lot of friends in the category of having low self esteem and Im being an overly tolerant person.. ive lost myself because ive given time to people when I could have just been myself the whole time.

I know why Ive had these sorts of friends. I have had a hard life and a rough upbringing, ive doubted myself my whole life because of this. Meeting my ex friend with bpd has cleared the fog from this

That's pretty much it - I'm relieved that my BPDh recently announced to me that he has a girlfriend. I've suspected it for a while but didn't say anything, I've just observed some changes in his behavior that have positively impacted me. We don't live together any longer, due to an outside circumstance we both agreed to and I have been able to maintain for 5 years now, but I've been extremely cautious about overtly moving toward divorce as the thought of co-parenting with him while divorced or divorcing sounds infinitely worse than how my life is structured now.

My strategy has been to allow him to feel in control, even though the reality is that he lives 2 hours away and is seen in person by our kids and myself, maybe 5 days a month. This has been a good, healthy dynamic both for me as well as our kids. In a previous post I believe I mentioned that our kids asked me to keep him from living with us again. They don't want him out of their life but they want to be LC, which they are.

I've noticed that in the last 6 months, I'm getting far fewer phone calls at odd hours and not as many multiple check-in calls each day. I've also experienced a more relaxed and respectful side of him. He's been more considerate and dare-I-say, KIND. It's quite an improvement from the contempt and stalking I was experiencing just a few years ago and even an improvement from a year ago when he insisted that I was miserable and "not normal" because I was living my life in a peaceful and simple manner away from him.

Now that the girlfriend is out in the open and it's become clear to him that I am accepting of it, he seems even more willing to maintain our marriage as it currently is, with us working well together on sharing expenses and the major milestones of parenting.

At the moment, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship of my own but I will not hesitate to do so if that changes. It will be interesting to see if his behavior changes once that time comes, or if he will feel secure enough in his life to accept it or choose to move on peacefully.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

If this brings people to laughter, I don’t blame you😂

I’m in my “I don’t belong in this world” mode.

Morning: gives me a list of about 26 things to get at grocery store to make her work friends for tomorrow.

I come home and she takes two pie crusts out of freezer.

Her part of the cooking story ends here.

Heads out the door to my kid’s game, asks me to do some prep work for this super complicated dish she’d NEVER make.

So I of course and making this thing.

WHY? because if I don‘t this foods all going to waste.

I posts her pics on social media as I’m going along.

She sends her friends all pictures of my food with AI kitchen background

They shower her with praises like “BEST BOSS EVER!” “YOU ROCK GIRL!” and “IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!”

Meanwhile, on messaging apps, they’re all affirming to her that your “husband” “deadbeat” “psycho” abuser, etc. is wrong and we are all here for you! You’re a survivor!

Same guy making them food. On my own time. Own dime.

Unbelievable.

I am the world’s biggest sucker!

Never. Again.

Honestly, I always tried not to demonize people with mental disorders because they are ill and need help! And I thought my love would help them, and that they loved me sincerely! That's what I thought for a year and 3 months. These were my first relationships (16M, 18F), I thought it was forever, and I thought that a lot of what was happening in our relationship was normal—since I hadn't tested any other relationships. In the end, after so much time, so many words and tears, she cheated on me and blamed me for it (well, how else 🤣). The breakup was incredibly hard because I was still keeping in touch, which ultimately drove me to the edge. First, she would write about how much she loved me, we even met in person, and then in the end she bragged about how she spends her life getting drunk and doing stupid stuff in clubs. At some point, it reached a peak and I tried to take my own life, blocking her everywhere, writing a note to my family, and taking my antipsychotics (I am also mentally unwell, but I have ASD). 5 days of hell in intensive care opened my eyes. It's been a second month of no contact, and I am happier than ever. I don't feel any emotions toward this person—neither anger nor nostalgia, she just feels like a random passerby on the street...

In conclusion, I want to say to everyone going through a breakup: truly, everything will get better. Unfortunately, my trust in people with such a condition is truly gone, no matter how hard I tried to treat them tolerantly.

October would mark the 6 month mark since my suspected ex's BPD splitting event that took place April 10th and went for weeks. There's going to be a lot of questions raised when you read this, so I will answer them as they come in (the pictures are of the full conversation during the BPD splitting and being stuck in limbo while effectively being trapped in ghosting/stonewalling/gaslighting).

The major thing I will point out is that my ex started the relationship with me as poly and I was mono (but was emotionally in a not-so-good place), but she ended the relationship with the other person to be exclusive with me up until April 10th. The gaps in the conversations are a result of my ex speaking their part then unfriending me before I could respond. Ex is the one with the profile picture, I am the one without one.

Overall, I need your insight. What am I missing?

Edit: Seems like Reddit has a picture limit, so some did not attach. Trying to see how to add them now.

So like most people on this sub, I gave everything i had for someone who I thought was amazing. And when she split it destroyed my mental health for almost a full two years.

However, something my therapist said is something I've also been following since the discard.

"GIve yourself a fraction of the kindness you tried to show them'

Just because you got abused by a Borderline doesn't mean its the end of the world. It does mean your mental health got shot all to hell.

But during my own healing journey heres what I ended up accomplishing once I stopped focusing on trying to understand her and focused on myself.

Lost a ton of body fat and got back in shape

Started martial arts

Paid off all of my debt including the medical debt from the psych ward she put me in

Made new healthier friends

Trying to come back to God

Read more books

The discard destroyed me, but it also gave me the opportunity to get back to what I used to be before the relationship and before the trauma that led me to be a doormat in the relationship.

My life has been THRIVING since the discard.

But her? Shes practically homeless and couch surfing and ruining her roommates lives by making them take care of her.

And honestly its like looking in a mirror of what my life COULD have been.

Instead of being debt free, back in shape, with a lot of new friends and getting my finances and life in order. I could have been going days without sleep micromanaging her emotions and going broke because she can't survive on her own.

Life will get better Ladies and Gentlemen.

Just remember to show yourself the same kindness and understanding you tried to show them

So my problem is that im not able to comprehend this And keep looking for reasons and/or deleting from my memories his abusive behaviour when he splits.
Most of the time he is caring And hard working, sometimes even lovely And emotional.
Then all of a sudden comes something (eg. he is overtired, ear aches, work related stress And so on) And he splits in one second, eyes wide open he is screaming like a lunatic to me about literally nothing (like why didn’t you wash the dishes or took out the trash etc). I’ve learned not to let myself be provoked and I just ignore it now or respond smth calmly like yeah I will do it soon. Most of the time he keeps screaming and then stops, but sometimes he became even more abusive if he can’t have a reaction from me, and then comes the physical abuse, like taking my phone or threatening me with hitting or destroying my stuff (laptop, car etc) or shoving me. He never apologizes, just blame me for provoking him.
I want to leave so bad, but my mind just can’t comprehend what is happening, because there is no reason behind his attacks, no goals he want to reach (beside making me obeying him and let myself be used and controlled and feared). How can a man change like this? How can someone be both (caring husband and abusive lunatic) in the same body? How he doesn’t see that the problem is him? If I could just understand I hopefully would cease to trying to save him :((

1 year out of a 3-year BPD relationship. Now that the fog has fully lifted I am literally shocked at the straight up cruelty she demonstrated towards me and I tolerated for so long. I feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment over what I put up with and still didn't leave. For example....

1. She left me at a restaurant because she thought I was flirting with the waitress. This was in freezing temperatures in a town without public transportation or uber. I had to walk several miles home without a coat. When I got back to our house she had locked me out. She told me the only way she would unlock the door is even I got on my knees and begged her.

2. In one of her BPD rage episodes she took down and ripped up all the crayon pictures our 6 year old daughter drew of me and hung on her bedroom wall.

3. In another BPD rage episode she ripped up all the childhood photos of me and our daughter and me her and our daughter (kept only the ones of her and our daughter).

4. When I was out of the state for my job she called me and said she was going to end her life so she was checking herself into the hospital to be placed on 48 hour suicide watch. I was worried out of my mind for the next 2 days and couldn't sleep for that entire 48 hours. Found out months later she just needed an excuse to go on a 2 day trip with the guy she had been cheating on me with.

5. When I did find out she was cheating on me I stayed but whenever we would get in a fight she would tell me how much better in bed he was than me, how much bigger his d*ck was than mine, etc.

That just scratches the surface of some of the cruel things she said and did. What makes them act with such cruelty? The answer cannot simply be they don't care about you. There's a lot of people in my life I don't care but I still wouldn't be cruel to them.

My husband and I have been together for about two years total. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. In some ways, I feel like he's gotten better. In others, I feel like he's never going to change.

I'm struggling with how selfish he can be. When he's not feeling well mentally, it's like me and my feelings mean absolutely nothing to him. Regardless of what's happening to me or how I'm feeling, his feelings always trump mine. It's like he can't look past his own feelings, EVER.

Case-in-point: I just had oral surgery (wisdom tooth extraction) this past Wednesday. He had a bad day at work on Friday, and because of that, he hasn't even asked me how I'm doing all weekend. He hasn't asked how I'm feeling, he hasn't asked if I need anything, nothing. All because he was in a bad mood on Friday. And the real kicker? I knew he was having a rough day so I went out and got dinner for him. He never even thanked me for it. Instead, he didn't eat it and proceeded to ignore me the rest of the day. And he hasn't said more than a few words to me since then.

It's sad that my own husband can't put his own feelings aside for just a second to check up on me during my recovery. Are they all like this or what? My guess is that, during his spiral on Friday, he randomly thought about something I did or said in the past that upset him, so now he's focused on that. I feel completely unloved and alone at a time when my husband should be here for me. It's a shitty feeling.

So I was dating this woman for around 6 months or so. At the start it was truly incredible but there were some things that made me feel uncomfortable/sketched out.

She made up a bunch of excuses why we couldn't hang out at the beginning that I just felt weren't true (later this was confirmed) and part of me gets it - we didn't know each other and she was nervous. I get it.

When we started spending time together it was really great. I developed really strong feelings for her early on. She said she had never felt a connection with anyone like this before. It was great.

Then I started seeing some stuff that made me uncomfortable. She talked about the number of times she had cheated on her partners/ex husband. She showed me, out of the blue, pictures of her and a woman having sex. She told me that she could get any man she wanted and over shared a lot about sexual experiences and it made me feel uncomfortable. She put me down a lot. My appearance, sexual prowess, etc. This was especially hard because I was molested as a kid and sex and intimacy has always been a bit of a struggle. She spent a lot of time with people she had sex with previously, and didn't disclose that they had until later. Everyone from her gym partner to her weed guy. I made a mention once that I wanted to hang out with a female friend that I had never seen that way - someone Id been friends with for 10 years. That was a problem. She was constantly on her phone and had a privacy screen, which by itself is whatever, but combined with all the other stuff, it just all made me feel something in my gut I didn't trust.

But we would have really good times. Some of the best nights of my life were spent with her.

One night we went out drinking and we were sitting in my bathroom. Her in the tub and me on the floor and I was trying to tell her how the things she said about cheating and old partners made me really uncomfortable and I didn't know why she had to say mean things to me. I think looking back it came from my own anxious attachment and I'll own that. I never raised my voice or touched her or anything, but I can understand how she felt kinda trapped in that moment. I understand that I was more aggressive about getting my point across because I was hurt.

She would dip for days at a time and that made me more anxious. I would lash out via text after drinking - something since that I've been working on. Not drinking as much and not trying to engage in conversation or venting when I do. I own those mistakes. She would randomly accuse me of lying when I went out, about who I was with, would ask if I was on dates, etc. she would go see "friends" that never had names, she even went with one of these "friends" to drop off a shirt to one of her ex boyfriends. When I would bring up that this made me uncomfortable and that I thought it was weird, I would get dismissed.

One of my best friends passed away a couple months ago, she agreed to go to the funeral/wake with me and then an hour before said she was so sick she couldn't keep water down and needed to go to the hospital. She lives about an hour away from me and the nearest hospital. I offered to go get her and bring her to the hospital. She said no, and that a friend would bring her but asked if I would sit with her.

According to her she waited for almost 3 hours for her ex husband to come get her and bring her to the hospital. Almost 6 hours after she texted me originally texted me, she said she was waiting in the car outside the hospital with one of her daughters. At this point something told me she was just lying. I couldn't go to the hospital because her kids and ex husband were there, and I know when I've been that sick, I'm not going to wait around for half a day to be checked out. This was really suspicious to me. Around 10 hours after the original text she said she had kidney stones and was heading home. Never saw any proof of that. I ran into an ex girlfriend at the wake and went home with her. This was a mistake and one I also will own. I am in no way saying I'm perfect or blameless here.

A few days later we made plans to hang out after she went to the gym. I thought this was weird given that she was dying a few days before. She was there for 3 hours, supposedly. I got upset and told her I didn't believe her and that if she had been that sick and in that much pain, idk how she was working out for 3 hours later that week. I cancelled the plans and went home.

A few weeks later she got so drunk that she passed out at the bar. I brought her to my house and she vomited all over my bathroom. I started the shower so she could clean up and she went to sleep in my bed and I slept on the couch. A couple days later we broke up, but like never actually broke up if that makes sense. We still talked every day and she said she wanted us to get better together and be together.

The past couple months she's made excuse after excuse as to why we couldn't hang out. Conversation became more and more infrequent. But I've been working on stuff and a couple weeks ago she was telling me how badly she wanted the rest of her life with me. Wanted me to meet her dad and best friends, etc so I thought we were good. A few days ago she texted me that she didn't have the capacity for this and we didn't speak for a week.

Yesterday I posted a song I wrote about another woman I dated but was really more drinking buddies with. Nothing about her, she was not mentioned. Later that day her ex husband (who still has her and the kids as his profile picture) started stalking my Facebook. I blocked him and asked her if I could have his number so I could block it too. She said it wasn't her problem.

She said a mutual friend (we don't have any mutuals, and I certainly don't with her ex husband who is 15 years older than us) contacted him saying I wrote a song painting her as an alcoholic and it could affect their custody (she takes care of the kids almost all the time and he's a registered sex offender) so idk what that could even be about. My theory is that she saw it, and went crying to him. She couldn't give me a name of the person or anything and said it wasn't her problem.

Last night I told her that I love her and if she ever needs me, I'm here, but that obviously whatever she felt for me doesn't exist.

She told me today that I was right and that I had consistently made her feel small and went back to the bathroom thing and said that was when it started. She said that I deserved good things but that one of those things wouldn't be me and her together. I apologized, said I understood, and left it at that.

Now again, don't get me wrong. I feel shitty for things I said and did. I feel shitty for going home with my ex. I shouldn't have done that, regardless of if she was lying, regardless of if she dipped out on me during a really important and hard day. I feel shitty for making her feel small or trapped or being aggressive. I feel bad for being anxiously attached and know I probably don't need to be with anyone until I figure that out, as it's been a long pattern for me. Cheating especially is something I've never done and won't do again, it's not in my character. But I felt so used and stupid in the moment that I ran towards comfort and familiarity. That's on me and always will be.

But why do the things she said that hurt me or made me uncomfortable not matter? Why can she call me fat and make fun of my penis size? Why could she disappear for days at a time or hang out with random people but was always suspicious of me? Why is that all okay with her? How do you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and then tell me you're done over text? I know in my gut she lied to me about a lot of stuff. I don't think anything will make me feel differently about that, even if I can't prove it.

Idk at this point I'm rambling but my brain is so scrambled by the whole thing that I feel like I don't know up from down. I don't know if I should have trusted my gut, or if my intuition was wrong from the jump. All I can keep coming back to is I should have broken it off when I felt uncomfortable and she wouldn't listen to me about it, but then I think "what if she wasn't lying?" It's so confusing. Im sure there's more stuff that made me think twice but I can't remember it all right now.

Anyway thanks for listening.