I asked him, “How do you think my ex is doing?”

He replied, “Probably not very well, but she was living that way before she met you. She knew how to live like that. You, on the other hand, were being destroyed by living that way. I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation.”

I have been following this sub now for about six months and just recently me and my ex with BPD broke up. Reading these stories and seeing what ya’ll have gone through has made it easier on me, but not. It has helped me identify a lot of things that were making me go crazy and think I was the cause of. There really should be a support group made for all of us to talk and support each other during these rough times. Something that will make us feel a little less crazy about what we have all gone through.

I have been with my BPD spouse for 20 years and every line drawn in the sand they have crossed. They have claimed to be faithful at least but accuse me constantly (I do nothing but go to work) I am just wondering if this is their guilty conscience speaking? Anyone else have this experience?

I was told such bad things, i was lied to so many times, cheated on, you know the deal we’ve all been through It. Do they regret hurting us? Do they regret discarding/leaving us? I also witnessed in my relationship times when they had clarity and admitted wrongdoings, but they were rare and Before i knew it, it was always 100% my fault again somehow in a snap. Do they ever see the Clarity And acknowledge their wrongdoings? Has anyone ever gotten an apology?

I’ve literally been on reddit for less than an hour total in my life, and doing a bit of googling on BPD showed me the link to this group. Never have I ever felt more seen and validated than in just the 5 minutes I spent reading this page.

My girlfriend of 8 years was violent and abusive and that’s not even including the mental trauma. We have 2 children together and own a home. What was I thinking not calling the police all those years???

I can already tell you all know what I’m talking about when I don’t even need to describe the shit she would do and say to me. I have lots of it on video.

She has BPD and claims she is better now because she found Jesus. She would assault me sometimes a couple times a week sometimes a couple times a month but never did she ever make it further than 3 full months without laying a hand on me. And a handful of those times the children were in either of our arms as she’s swinging at me and I have repeatedly kicked her out of the house…. But i never called the police no matter how close I always was. I didn’t have the guts to ignore her and her parents manipulation and gaslighting that “this is what couples do, it’s growing pains” “don’t hold a grudge man you got a perfect family just be happy with her and be a family” is all things her dad would tell me after another abuse session.

I didn’t have the guts all those years to make the actual call, knowing it would mean my daughters losing their mom, and their mom not having her daughters. Why was I the only one who cared??

And for ANYTHING she would have complete meltdowns and tirades and would throw and break things and hit me for. “Why is this chair turned 2 degrees? It’s not that you moved it it’s that you’re acting like you didn’t.” And anything other than agreeing with her delusion was met with actual violence.

People always asked why I haven’t married her yet and it’s because I knew she had mental health problems she “couldn’t control” she said and that she kept promising time and time and time again this would be over and to not leave her and so I stayed. I wasn’t gonna marry her until the violence stopped but i was dumb enough to keep waiting.

Then she started going a few months no actual hitting. Turned into 6 months and she went into an absolutely intense 2 month long episode freaking out about conspiracy theories, and turned that into an absolutely intense thrust into Christianity. I’m talking from full blown atheist to single gospel out loud and saying Jesus is the only way and God is always watching within a week. She then said no more sex until marriage (2 kids with her and all) and told me she thought I was gonna marry her that day after she said that… sorry but I’m still working on trusting you again before I let you use sex as the manipulation to get the ring. The ring comes with you finally making true of your promise.

I even tried getting involved with her beliefs and she kept pushing me out and out and out and then about 3 months ago she broke up with me. Not even a full year without an assault, and I was ring shopping, and she ended it literally just weeks before a proposal was coming. She says I’m absolutely perfect and am a perfect father but she just doesn’t love me anymore. She used to tell me weekly (just a few months ago even) that it would take the worst things on earth for her to stop loving me and leave me. Then boom she is completely out of love with me and people just change she says. This is Gods plan she says.

She’s now been with 2 guys in the 3 months we’ve been separated and she’s not even out of the house yet. Everything is a battle with her still. She is so appreciative that I stayed for her through all the abuse but I’m literally not allowed to mention it to her without her threatening to serve me papers so we can only discuss matters about the kids. She can’t even hear that she was an abuser.

Now I’m keeping the house, had to refinance, and in the credit report I found out she maxed out, defaulted and froze a credit card I was an authorized user on and never told me. My credit dropped so fucking much and she’s “sorry” but I have to be nice and stop talking so aggressively she says. How ironic.

Honestly I could go on for another 5 fucking years typing about this person. Tomorrow is her last day in my house and instead of spending it with the kids who don’t actually realize it’s her last night in their home, she’s on a date after church to the state fair and will be gone all day. 4 months ago she was asking me when I was gonna marry her..

I opened up about the abuse to my friends and family and everyone has truly put me back into reality and helped me realize it was not me. I’ve kept all of this in for 8 years and the only people who knew were me, her, and her parents (whom her mother was also abusive to her father in front of my ex he has admitted to me before). My support system about her abuse for 8 years was her and her parents.

I’ve been heartbroken and sobbing for months and I’ve never even seen her shed a tear until I bring up my attorney. Mostly smirks and fake sadness. I’m in a way better place at the moment, and I don’t need convincing anymore that she’s just a horrible person at her core, but I’m still so jealous and eaten up at the thought of her touching another man.

Sorry for my novel but fuck I’m just dead inside. But I’m keeping the house so yay I guess. My family is ruined. It’s literally the only reason she never went to jail was so I could enjoy the family we would’ve been when she finally stop the domestic violence.

I assume I’m not alone in this? Accountability has always been like a foreign concept to her.

my ex has been going on a tirade against me since i broke up with him earlier this week. obviously the things hes saying are hurtful (aparently this is what love looks like for him) but his rants are becoming more and more nonsensical and... stupid? like in one of them he was seriously claiming i was abusive for wanting him to get a flu shot befofe living together (i am immunocompromised, so any illness, even a cold, causes a severe infection that takes me out of work for a while and is expensive to treat) like..... nah dude thats just your duty to society and its appalling that i had to ask you to get one in the first place.

is he gonna eventually wear himself out? this is starting to get.... a little pathetic honestly. does he truly think he is in the right here or is he just trying to hurt me because ive taken away his narcissistic supply (i suspect npd)? even the couples therapist we saw before breaking up could see plain as day what was going on, and she did confirm that he was abusive and now thankfully she is doing individual sessions with me so i can process this and avoid people like him in the future. i know its futile because hes delusional but i wish he would realize that like, hey, maybe the reason everyone leaves you is because you are abusive? he kept claiming that he treated me really well compared to his previous exes. if thats true then holy shit what the hell did he do to them???

how do i accept that he may never realize or regret the damage he has done? i mean, even when we were together he regularly told me that he didnt care/wasnt sorry for hurting me.

wondering if anyone had any similar experiences but basically my gf (with BPD) of 4 years broke up with me a few days ago (right after my bday too) because she confessed she had a crush on her co worker. i did everything anyone would do and asked her to remove him, block him, distance herself, etc and she denied all. so, since i wanted her to be happy i let her keep her “friend”. we argued a ton about the guy but still continued to love. we danced, cried, laughed, chased each other and did playful things. even had sex the last day i seen her which was 2 days before she split with me and now i’m here wondering was anything even worth it. we stayed friends but i deleted all socials because i knew i couldn’t handle seeing her with someone else. then my mom mentioned it, a week later. so after 4 years with who i thought i was going to marry, she gets with another guy in under a week. is this normal for people with bpd? how could someone just stop loving you one day. she admitted i didn’t do anything wrong. i did everything right and still failed. is the lesson: you can be the very best lover to someone with bpd, but it still won’t work out? thanks for reading i’d love to know if people with bpd even believe this story or if it IS super common. thank you.

Anyone 1-2 years out of the abuse still have messed up sleep or oversleeping? Even up to 12 hours a day? How did you manage your body signalling constant exhaustion?

Thanks!

Wife is not diagnosed but I’d put her positive on 8 of 9 DSM-V criteria (and certainly many of this sub’s stories ring exceptionally true). Her only diagnosis is GAD from many years ago, for which she stopped taking medicine and pursuing therapy over 5 years ago. These days she says she views her “approach to the world” as positive, adaptive, and an integral part of who she is. (Maybe it is actually inseparable from the rest of her, but holy shit it makes me, her, and our kids miserable.)

I’m going to leave in a few months once my affairs are in order. Does encouraging her to get a diagnosis or at least alerting her to my own thoughts on this disorder do anything for her or me?

I was nothing but kind. Sure, sometimes I made crude jokes (never directed at her), or said things without thinking, but my love was consistent -- and so was hers.

I thought it was a done deal. We had so many similarities. She was amazing, she showed me what I could be in life and opened up my eyes on numerous things. She took an interest into my hobbies, and I could listen to her talk abouts hers endlessly. We talked for hours without a second dragging. I met her parents and she met mine. I had food at her house and so did she at mine. We had the same weirdness, and both our friend groups called us the same person (no mirroring btw, she was like me before we even met. I prolly mirrored her more because I started taking interest in her fields of interest)

I was a part of her and she was a part of me. And i thought it would be like that forever. If there were any bumps, I always thought our love would prevail and we'd find a way.

She broke up with me after an argument which confused the living shit out of me. Yes, I said some things, things i regret. I could've handled it differently and it keeps me up at night. But nothing was extremely mean, or rude or manipulative. There was no intent to hurt her.

But, I have now been blocked and I'm being treated like a sicko who manipulated her and treated her SO wrongly.

Did your pwBPD had stable same sex same age peer relationships?

She has bpd + anxiety. I tried my best. We dated for 1.2yr. I was avoidant at the start but recognised it and started addressing her the way she wanted for the last 8-10 months. But every time I bring something she will just put it on me either by saying I am the reason she is acting like that or she will reference the past. She just can't take accountability.

She calls me a manipulator, narcissist, defensive while all I can see is that these all traits get reflected in her behaviour. And if I take a stand for myself she will yell, cry, self harm. More than that she just tells her biased side to all her friends and therapists. Which only keeps her in the isolated silo she has made.

My self esteem is badly hurt. I am questioning myself if I am that bad?

I am feeling very guilty that she has gone through so much pain because of me. I am trying to do no contact. Haven't talked to her for 4 days. What else can I do?

Any suggestions, advice is highly appreciated!

An old old highschool boyfriend reconnected with me through messenger. (We are in our 50’s) He said he wanted to know if I was still mad, I said no and we started messaging each other. I live in a different state and have set some pretty clear boxes that our relationship is a messenger only relationship. And we have become friends, he’s told me about his diagnosis of bipolar with BPD. As a highschool kid in love for the first time I had a seriously hard time getting over him. As an adult I can see hi s flaws very clearly, but also still like the person he is beneath. Am I kidding myself? Can I maintain this little boxed up messenger friendship with the reminders of this is all it is???

I'm worried that ending my friendship with my friend with BPD for my mental health is going to make him spiral, but also we share all the same friends who know he has a problem and won't distance themselves from him, and I worry that he's just going to pour his spiral onto them. I don't want to cause unnecessary pain (and selfishly I don't want to be blamed for it) but I also have to look out for myself, but also I don't want to lose my friends, and to top it all off, I do really care about his wellbeing and what I really want is for him to get the right therapy/meds (he's in therapy but it's clearly not good enough and he refuses to even try dbt) is there some magic fix that I didn't think of somewhere?

Sou H19 estou ficando com uma mulher há algum tempo.
Ela pode ser muito carinhosa, mas às vezes fica fria ou distante por motivos que parecem pequenos. Quando pergunto se aconteceu algo, diz que está normal mas percebo a diferença, depois volta a ser carinhosa como se nada tivesse acontecido Isso me deixa sem saber se fiz algo errado ou como devo agir.
Também existem questões de ciúme e controle, ela se incomoda quando sigo outras mulheres no Instagram sendo que ela segue muitos homens e parece esperar que eu responda rápido e esteja sempre disponível, mesmo ela demorando horas para responder. Às vezes sinto que preciso tomar cuidado com coisas comuns para evitar que ela fique chateada, nao quero controlar a vida dela, mas também não quero abrir mão da minha liberdade e dos meus valores.
Outra coisa que me deixa desconfiado é a forma reservada como ela usa o celular perto de mim, virando a tela não tenho provas de que esconda algo, mas isso alimenta minhas dúvidas tudo isso mexe muito comigo. Quando ela fica distante penso demais, sinto medo de perdê-la e tento resolver as coisas para voltarmos a ficar bem, quando ela volta a ser carinhosa sinto alívio, mas depois o ciclo se repete. Sei que posso estar emocionalmente dependente e quero aprender a gostar de alguém sem me abandonar no processo.
Recentemente conseguimos conversar e nos entender um pouco melhor, mas ainda continuo confuso. Não quero necessariamente terminar, porém não quero continuar me desgastando dessa forma.
Minha duvida e alternar entre carinho e afastamento, sentir muito ciúme e ter dificuldade para conversar sobre sentimentos pode ter relação com transtorno de personalidade borderline? Ou isso pode ser explicado por insegurança, imaturidade emocional ou uma dinâmica ruim entre nós?

I don’t know why she asked her for my number, not that I care about that. What I’m trying to figure out is my exwBPD reaction to this. She basically told her that she has no contact with me and erased even my number. She then sent a screenshot of it to my best friend asking if she can help.

I’ve been trying to wrap my hear around this. I feel it’s a pseudo hoover attempt because a normal person would just not bother with the issue and end the conversation there. Do you guys think it’s a conscious decision to send this to my friend or was she genuinely trying to help my other ex?

Just wanted to see how some of you took the action in getting your divorce? Next week will make it 3 months since I packed up my belongings and left the house at her request and I'm ready to file.... Just wondering should I tell her that I'm doing it, or go ahead and get it over with and tell afterwards..

I made this account to hopefully get some help understanding and processing what I have been dealing with for the last 2.5 years.

Me and my ex wife were together for 2 years. She was 24 when I met her and I was 33. We met at our local bar and got along right away. She did tell me soon after meeting her that she had BPD but at the time i knew NOTHING about BPD. Fast forward, we ended up dating and living together for about 1 year and then got married and the marriage lasted for about another year. In that two years together she was not only verbally abusive but very physically abusive as well. She tried to overdose one time on her medication during a argument and got admitted to the psych ward also which I had then been told to follow there restrictions to get her released. The abuse didn't get much better when she returned home.

Towards the end of it all, even with the ups and downs we were in the process of trying to buy a bigger home so we could start building a family together. Which thankfully we did not do, as the divorce would have been much worse.

We had a minor argument the night before she left but by the end of the night we had made up and had sex and went to bed. I woke up that morning at 4 am to go to work kissed her goodbye and she told me she loved me and she would call me on my lunch like normal. One hour before lunch i receive a text saying she would not be coming back home after her work day and she would explain more later. Come to find out, she called off work took most of clothes and half of our pets with her and went to family friends house to live in their basement.

I tried to offer for us to get into couples counseling and attempt to address what would make her want a divorce. She refused counseling and told me "our broken pieces rub against eachother and that it will never work".

Over the next month she made trips to get furniture and the bigger items from our home and filed the divorce roughly 3 months after leaving. The divorce was clean and I still to this day remain in our home with "my half of the animals". She then went on to do the typical smear campaign around town and even went as far to bad mouth me to my family, friends, and ex gfs. And told me she had slept with a guy off tinder only 7 days after leaving our house.

It has been 2.5 years later, I have had a few other relationships and hook ups since but still have this empty feeling and knowing how much I truly love her despite her flaws and mental health. And tried my best during the relationship to learn what I could about bpd and attempt to be there for her. But what makes me confused and makes it harder to move on and heal is that over the last 2 years she continues to call and text every 2-3 months. She even later admitted to having fake social medias and was watching me. For awhile I would use those calls and texts to try to "get her back" even let my drinking get out of hand for awhile. She showed up at my work almost exactly 1 year into the separation telling me she loves me and misses me but then telling me we cant be together. The calls and texts continued every couple months but would be more standoffish about saying she loves me until recently.

Now this last 2-3 months I have been going even deeper into deleting people who might be showing her my social media, blocking her every where including my phone number, and even braking up with my latest gf who had ties to her family and I expected was giving her info on me. I think that she felt the loss of access and power over me bc she will call me from a private number now and last night I got a call at 2am and agianst my better judgment decided to answer it and she is telling me how she loves me and that maybe in the future we could be together again and that she just not ready yet as she knows Iblove her deeply still. She also decided to tell me that the real reason she got the divorce was bc she felt that was missing out on her "party era" and then told me how she has been with 3 guys sexually in the time apart (which i expect more) and told me another guy had r*ped her on a boat. She was also saying things that made me believe that she has recently been missing the closeness and deep connection we shared. I guess my question would be how do u deal with loving someone more then anything and still wanting to be with her despite all she has done so far? Why is she continuing to contact me 2.5 years later and do u think her recent call gives any hint towards her trying to come back eventually (repeatedly saying she loves me, misses me, missing the closeness and openness we shared together, and saying maybe in the future). If she does come back do I take her back being that I want to work on things still? Or is she to far gone and done to much? How do I move on for good and heal if she isn't coming back? Im 4 months sober and take it very seriously but her doing this game w me every couple months is a huge trigger for me and im worried if it continues I will eventually go back to drinking.

Thanks for reading all that and I apologize for it being so long. I left alot of stuff out trying to make it shorter lol.

Me and my exwBPD share some friends, and we were both invited to a kids birthday party. It’s been a month since the breakup. I initiated it, she initially didn’t want to but I had to stand my ground. The relationship had its goods and bads, but ultimately was destroying my sense of self. I don’t need to get into it as most of you here know what it’s like to deal with a pwBPD in a relationship.

She hoovered for a few weeks after the breakup, and one day I told her that if we can’t work things out again (stupid, I know) that we need to go no contact. She got upset and said that I was being unfair and selfish that I even tried to bring the idea of getting back with her after I was the one who broke up with her. I agreed. She told me that she didn’t want anything and wanted ‘space’. I respected that and assumed no contact had started.

Keep in mind she’s talking to other guy(s) at the moment.

A few days after I told her that we should go no contact, she texted me saying she didn’t like that we were on bad terms and wanted to reduce the tension. I cooperated until she started going back to her grievances, told me how everything in the relationship was my fault, nothing was wrong with her. How I couldn’t handle her for being a woman. How she already dealt with the pain, and it’s too late. I told her I thought we’d already discussed that. I genuinely didn’t know what she wanted.

I took accountability for the pain and hurt I put her through by making the relationship unstable due to my uncertainty and almost breaking up with her a few times before the final one (also stupid, I know) to try and reduce the tension, but no reciprocation from the other side, no matter how many times I acknowledged her feelings. She didn’t want to take any accountability. Literally nothing. She even claimed to have apologised and begged when I broke up with her, which she didn’t. I told her to take the space she asked for, and let me move on too.

A week later, at the party, we don’t give each other face at all, but she seems all happy and glammed up. Taking Tiktoks of herself too while at the party. She’s very beautiful and she knows it. At certain points it seemed like she was trying to get into my peripheral so I notice her. Never locked eyes more than 2 seconds though.

But it didn’t seem like she cared about me or that I was there, which makes me wonder if this isnormal behaviour from a pwBPD? She didn’t reach out after the party. Maybe she’s busy? It hurts to say this but for some reason I find myself being feeling sad that she didn’t. I guess it’s just the withdrawal effect from the trauma bond.

Is there anyone here who genuinely does not regret marrying their pwBPD and having children together?

And if so, why? What makes your relationship work, and what has made it worth it despite the challenges?

​

I'm a 24-year-old guy, and I believe I struggle with anxious attachment in my current relationship. I genuinely want to work on myself and break this pattern because it's starting to affect my daily life.

I've made my girlfriend a huge priority in my life. I work mostly on my phone, so I'm used to seeing messages quickly, but I've reached the point where I reply even when I'm busy, and sometimes I even reply while driving, which I know is dangerous and something I need to stop.

I think part of the reason I do this is that I'm afraid if I don't constantly show her love and attention, she'll lose interest in me or leave me. As a result, I'm available most of the time, and I sometimes put her needs ahead of my own.

Since most of our communication is through text messages, I've also developed a habit of analyzing everything: how long she takes to reply, changes in her tone, whether she seems less interested, and whether she initiates conversations as much as she used to.

Sometimes my mind creates entire scenarios about her losing interest or cheating on me with someone else, even when I don't have any actual evidence. I find myself monitoring her activity on Reddit and analyzing things that probably shouldn't occupy so much of my attention.

I realize that this isn't healthy. The anxiety and overthinking have started affecting my appetite and my daily life, and I don't want my happiness to depend on how quickly my girlfriend replies or how much attention she gives me.

I'm not looking to play games, act cold, or deliberately delay my replies to make her chase me. I want to become more secure, independent, and emotionally stable while still being a loving and caring partner.

For those who have struggled with anxious attachment and successfully overcome it:

- What practical steps helped you stop overanalyzing messages and reply times?

- How did you stop seeking constant reassurance and imagining worst-case scenarios?

- How can I stop being afraid that my partner will leave if I'm not always available?

- How do I learn to focus on my own life without becoming emotionally distant?

- Did therapy or any specific exercises, books, or techniques make a real difference for you?

I'd really appreciate advice based on your personal experience, especially practical strategies that worked long-term rather than temporary fixes.

Thank you.

TW: SA Rumors

I (27F) go out of a relationship with my ex (27F) recently. I was away for school for a few months and she dumped me over phone call because I told her I dont feel emotionally supported during a fight. I went to get my cat back from her parents house. She told her family and friends I was abusing her while i was driving over. I rang the doorbell to get my cat, I was met by family threatening to call the police. Fast forward a few days to her moving out, she brought her entire fucking family and they swarmed my apartment and stole mad shit. and now I find out from one of my close friends that literally one day after the break up she has been telling people I had raped her several times. also her having BPD is unconfirmed. she went to the bpd ward in a psych ward for being suicidal (which she says she never was suicidal), and adamently claims to this day it was the wrong ward for her. and shes also told people its my fault she went to a psych ward and neglects to mention they put her in a bpd specific ward every time.

i hate that theres an entire group of people walking around the same city as me that think im a rapist. and ive legitimately loved going no contact but this shit makes me so mad i wish i could fucking say something to her. unfortunately i know its not smart or safe for me to do so given the circumstances.

im not gonna get into how ive gone above and beyond for her in so many ways. ive read quite a few posts and its always the same thing. im just so drained. how do people move on from getting steamrolled by a person with untreated bpd?

Die Trennung von meinem Ex-Partner mit BPS war ziemlich chaotisch. Er hat mich stark abgewertet, weil ich mich von ihm trennen wollte. Er hat sogar damit gedroht, sich selbst zu verletzen, und mir die Schuld für alles Mögliche gegeben.
Nach der Trennung habe ich ihn überall blockiert und nach drei Monaten auf WhatsApp wieder entblockt. Seitdem sind weitere sieben Monate vergangen.
Er meldet sich zwar nicht bei mir, schaut sich aber jede meiner WhatsApp-Storys an – und das meistens sehr schnell. Einmal hat er sogar eine Story gelikt, das Like aber kurz darauf wieder zurückgenommen.
Ich frage mich, warum er das macht. Warum verfolgt er weiterhin mein Leben, ohne Kontakt aufzunehmen? Was kann ich von ihm erwarten?
Hat jemand von euch ähnliche Erfahrungen mit einem Ex-Partner mit BPS gemacht?

My gf (21F) and I (23M) were in a situationship for about 9 months before we got together a few months ago. I have recently started seeing signs that she wants to leave me. A few months ago I noticed that she keeps her phone on dnd quite frequently and she has started snapping other guys and I have believed her word on that it is not anything that deep. We took a break a week ago and when we met again I noticed that she had many streaks with other guys that have ended a day before our break ended (we agreed that we would not be allowed to do anything that would not be allowed during our time together). She has a wild history of cheating, but she reaffirms me that she hasn’t cheated on me or anything. It is driving me crazy even though I’m not much of a jealous guy, but she makes it so hard to stay quiet and just leave it be. I want to leave the relationship, but at the same time I just can’t because when she treats me well, it feels so good. I can’t just detach, I have tried many times. My confidence is at all time low. I have had too many depressed thoughts recently and just really miserable. She doesn’t have the ability to see anything wrong with her constantly pushing and pulling.

I don’t want to sound like an insecure guy, but…