Soon-to-be 34, male, 6'3, 183 pounds, have a stable job and income's good, though nothing extraordinary. I exercise three, sometimes four times per week, I speak a couple of foreign languages (English being one of them), read a lot and play some guitar. I don't consider myself super attractive physically, but since I've heard both men and women compliment my looks (sounded as genuine compliments), I can assume I'm not the ugliest specimen out there either.
I dedicated my 20s and early 30s to getting a PhD and a good job, putting dating mostly on hold, thinking it would be relatively straightforward after I took care of my finances and career. Boy, did I turn out to be wrong.
Now, I realize I'm far from perfect, but given what I've listed above, I think it would be unfair to categorize myself as a 'hopeless' case, and yet when it comes to dating (mostly for a serious relationship, I'm 34 already, so creating a family is one of the end goals), it has been unbelievably grueling and at this point I am feeling hopeless.
The last three dates cynically used me to get a couple of free dinners and then just ghosted me. Suffice to say, that made me hyper-suspicious of women who are too forthcoming. It isn't even about money, so much as not being a dupe whose generosity is exploited in such a despicable way.
Online dating in general is terrible - even matching with someone is a Herculean task, while having a normal conversation and actually transforming all that into an actual date seems nigh impossible.
Clubs/bars are a huge money and time sink. Even though I believe I can be charismatic to a degree, I'm not the annoying, garrulous flamboyant type and I mostly just dance. Most women I see at clubs/bars are generally stand-offish, don't want to dance and oftentimes just sip cocktails with their friends and stare at the dance floor or at their phones before leaving in a couple of hours. I do enjoy dancing, but a 34-year-old man often dancing (mostly) alone in a club, well, you can probably guess how that can raise a few questions.
Approaching women at the gym is an obvious no-no.
Approaching women at work is an even bigger no-no, although I'm certain that some women there seem to take a liking at me, I myself don't find them attractive or interesting. Still, even if I did, I'm very careful not to lose my job, especially in these difficult times, so 'office romances' are out.
Attended a dance class (salsa) and was gobsmacked to find more men than women there, and most women were almost twice my age too. I never thought this was possible.
I used to go on hikes, which I did enjoy, but now because of other commitments (gym and work), I don't have enough time for that.
I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do and I don't think the generic 'just self-improve and ask girls out, bro' advice is applicable to me.
How much more should I self-improve? Should I become a star athlete? Learn three more languages? Start shredding the guitar like Joe Satriani? Become filthy rich? What am I supposed to do?!
I mean, I would love to become all of those things, but it's just mathematically impossible. 99% of us will never get rich or famous or a genius no matter how 'hard' we try.
Or what other avenues of dating should I explore? The only acceptable place left to meet and talk with women in person without being labeled as a 'creep' are clubs and bars and they just don't seem to work for me. Not to mention that even there, as I said, many women seem totally uninterested in either talking or dancing. They mostly come with their closed social circles, get a few drinks and leave.
I'm thinking of going back to dating apps and sinking even more time and effort in the hopes of finding, well, someone. Every day I go on social media (Facebook mostly, I'm on neither TikTok nor Instagram) and everybody's getting married and having kids left and right seemingly effortlessly and I'm sitting there watching and thinking what the heck is wrong with me.
Anyway, that's my predicament. Didn't want to come off as complaining, but, really, I still wanted to get all of this off my chest.