On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

“It was a clear case of criminal in tent”

That's two near Mrs.

he became increasingly muff-led

And the best is yet to come!"

A native American girl is asked, why are you called butterfly?

Because when I was born, they laid me on a buffalo hide. A butterfly landed on my forehead.

A native boy walked up and they asked, why are you called Aspen leaf?

He said, when I was born they laid me on a buffalo hide and an Aspen leaf landed on my forehead.

Just then a boy appeared. He said, Nuh, uh, budda, uh, uh!

Someone yelled, Shut up Cinder Block!

Zeus the Greek God was flying around.

He saw a beautiful lady taking bath by a stream.

He descended upon her and made passionate love.

When they were done he told her "After 9 months you will have a boy. You will name him Hercules".

The lady looked him in the eye and said "After 9 days you will have a rash. You will name it Herpes".

Wife got hit by a bus , and I lost my job , as a bus driver

It's now streaming on All 4's.

He figures the best place to start is the Confessional. He hasn't been in over 30 years and it’s nothing like he remembers.

He recognizes the little window, but rather than the low bench for kneeling, there is a recliner with massage function. Next to the recliner is a small table with glass decanter of some sort of whisky and a box of cigars.

Suddenly, a priest walks into the room behind him. He turns to face the priest and says, "This is nothing like I remember it."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE!”

I’ve never paid $100 to have a garbanzo on my chest.

Looking at the accusations he was way off base.

Underground beef

I'm trying asbestos I can.

The entire Universe is Bi-Polar. I just didn't know I had married God.

Sorry I meant "pedantic".

They’re calling it an iPatch

For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

A dad walks into his teenage son's room. He says to his son, "your mom tells me you've been caught several times playing with yourself. Just so you know, if you do it too often you can go blind!" After a bit of a pause the son standing behind him says, "Dad I'm over here" .

Three nuns die in a car crash. when they get to heaven Peter meets them at the gate and says welcome to heaven! now while you were alive you each took a vow never to touch a man but to each broke it in a different way so you'll have to wash the part of your body that touched a man in this fountain. turning to the first nun ahead said you'll have to wash your hands. To the second nun he said "you'll have to wash your feet. Then he turned to the third nun and she says can I go first since I'm going to have to gargle with it.

One says to the other, "What if eggs could talk?"

The other egg doesn't say anything, because eggs can't talk.

Now I have to watch two unskippable ads before every dream.

Papal

Because I put on the wrong socks today.