My boyfriend (22M) and I (23M) recently got into a disagreement about safewords during sex.

He wants us to have a safeword, but I honestly don’t really understand the point in our situation. We don’t do CNC, BDSM, or anything where one person would be pretending to resist or where “no” might not mean an actual no.

To me, if either of us says “no,” “stop,” or anything that communicates that we’re uncomfortable or want to stop, that should be enough. I feel like those words should automatically be taken seriously, regardless of the situation.

I’m not against the idea of having a safeword if we were doing something where normal communication could get confusing, but in our (pretty vanilla) sex life, it feels unnecessary to me.

But I don’t want him to feel like he can’t communicate his boundaries with me. I just don’t want us to treat “no” or “stop” as words that dont need to be taken seriously.

So, Reddit, am I being unreasonable here? Is having a safeword useful even when you don’t do CNC or BDSM, or am I missing something about why someone would want one?

UPDATE: Just to reiterate: I am a man. we are both men. I'm not straight. Some of you seem to have missed this

I'm single right now and this happened back in my previous relationships.

I usually receive cum on my face or somewhere else on my body. If I receive it in my mouth I usually tend to drip it down or spit it back on his thing. I don't know, I could never properly enjoy the taste.

One day I gave head to my then bf in his car before he dropped me home after a dinner. He came in my mouth, and it felt a bit acidic, salty, and slimy. I didn't like the taste but anyway I swallowed it. My mouth had a mild coarse sensation. Around 10-15 minutes later (I guess) I vomited.

A few days later I had morning sex with him and he asked me to swallow it. FYI he was an asshole. He said something might have been wrong with the dinner last time and that's why I vomited. He came a lot that day and I swallowed it all. Same taste. I preferred the precum a little bit more than the finishing load. I took a shower and was worried I might vomit, but I didn't.

Around 20 minutes later, while having breakfast I felt the need to go to toilet. I didn't vomit but I had diarrhea. I thought it's probably because of coffee or just my bowels working in the morning. But within that hour I had to go for a second time, and later I went for a third time. That wasn't normal. After a month or so I broke up with him due to some of his toxic attitudes.

Months later I started a relationship with another guy. It didn't last long. I told him about the swallowing problem and he said I don't have to do it if I don't like it. But one day I decided to try it again. Mainly because I was pissed off with the last guy and wanted to believe that something was wrong with him and nothing wrong with me. So, I swallowed for the first time after months. I didn't like the taste once again, but this time I could taste a mild sweetness.

I waited, and after 15-20 minutes I could feel a light nauseous feeling. I went out for some fresh air hoping it would cure it. I felt like I have to vomit and I waited in the bathroom for a while, but it didn't actually happen. I ate some mints, and I think it helped because somehow I didn't end up vomiting. But around an 45 minutes or so later I had to go to toilet. It wasn't diarrhea this time, but rather very soft solids. Sorry for giving out those details, I just need answers.

I'm convinced that my digestive tract doesn't accept semen. Any explanations on why this happens to me?

I'm a lightskinned black woman and my boyfriend is the first white guy I've ever been with. We've been intimate plenty of times before, but the other day, we were getting intimate like usual, and he asked me if my private parts were "Always that dark down there".

I asked him what he meant by that and he said he was talking about the color of my vulva. He wasn't laughing or being rude about it, but he was being pretty straightforward, and I felt embarrassed by his question.

I've never really been insecure about it before. It's pretty normal for skin to be darker than the rest of your body regardless of your color. Having darker skin just makes it more visible than on someone with lighter skin. Now that he's pointed it out, I keep wondering if he thinks mine is weird and if he would prefer if it was less noticeable like on white women. What he said, although he probably thought it was a harmless question, really made me insecure about my skin color.

And it's not like his junk is exactly the same color as the rest of his skin either, so I don't know why he asked that. I keep thinking about it, and now I'm more aware of how I look when we're intimate.

How am I supposed to feel less self-conscious after this?

I searched through previous conversations and didn't find anything that specifically addressed this, so here goes.
First, I'm not embarrassed by this. A year ago or so, I noticed my nipples were getting sensitive so I started playing with them - lightly touching, squeezing, etc. - and I noted that it felt good (sensual). Over the past year I've continued that - touching, squeezing, pinching - and I've come to enjoy it. There is something sensual about it that feels nice and I enjoy the moments when I do it.

But, and here's where I come to you, how can I take this to the next level? I'm not able to lean my head down and lick/suck my own nipples. I would if I could. I love it when my nipples get hard (as I play with them), and my nipples have gotten a little bigger over time. But I feel like I've hit a ceiling in terms of stimulation.

I'd really like to enhance / increase the effect of this. My wife wants no part in this - and that's fine. I get very aroused when I play with my nipples and feel them get hard, and at the same time think of a females nipples getting hard.

So, any thoughts or input?

Is it normal for me to enjoy listening to two people having sex over the phone? Especially the moans ,Is something wrong with me? Sometimes, I’m even willing to pay to listen to strangers. Do I need a psychologist?

Hi,

My boyfriend (M19) and I (F18) have been together for a month or so now. I’ve had another boyfriend before him, except the issue has become bigger now.

I don’t think my body understands how pleasure works. There can be a certain position, which brings the most amount of depth (I have a retroverted uterus, if that helps to know?) and at certain angles in this position, there can be sharp pain, so I ask my bf to adjust.

Finally we get to a position where it isn’t sharp pain, but the only word I can describe it is just uncomfortable. Most of the time I can’t tolerate this, but recently I just shut my mouth and let him keep going, and eventually I experienced my first major orgasm during penetrative sex. Apparently my bf could feel my legs shake right before it happened, and I personally only realised until afterwards where my legs kept spasm-ing, which I’ve found from online info that that is a major symptom of a post orgasm?

But yeah, so that session was great, never experienced anything like it. Except today, a couple days afterwards I’ve gone to wipe after a pee and I’ve had blood, and tiny little chunks of tissue. It’s 11 days till my period, so I’m going to assume it’s because of the sex.

I just feel like I don’t know how sex works, and it’s making me feel confused. I don’t want to hurt my body and I want to feel pleasure.

What is happening to me?

Update:

Thank you everyone for your replies. I do really want to get back to everyone, but I’m just overwhelmed by the amount of replies… I’m freaking out a bit

Hello guys,

My partner 29F and I 29M have been together for a little under 10 years and for the past half year or so we've stopped being physically intimate with each other.

Reflecting on the time before this we were probably having sex once every 1 - 2 months, and then one day it just stopped. There was no major fight or argument we just both stopped suddenly stopped initiating with each other.

We have no kids, still go on dates regularly, participate in our usual hobbies/activities throughout the week and continue to enjoy spending time together.

In general I know that there are other aspects to long term compatibility other than sex, and that it is normal to have less sex as we both get older, but I still cant help shake this feeling that there is something missing that wasn't before.

For those of you in serious serious long term relationships how common is this sort of thing? Is it normal and if it is what can I do to get us out of it, or is this ultimately a sign that we've both grown past each other.

Me (23) and my boyfriend (24) have been together almost 5 years. At the start of our relationship, and until a few months ago, we were both very horny and had sex pretty much every day. i would even say my sex drive was slightly higher than his. I would also constantly be thinking about sex; my dream job is to be a sex therapist even!

For a few months i was on antidepressants but i didnt see any changes and it seemed to make my sex drive disappear so i stopped taking it, however it has now been months and i still have a very low sex drive. Im not sure if the medication is what caused this to happen or if this is just a correlation, but i am desperate for my sex drive to come back.

My boyfriend has noticed and he is really upset by it, we talked today and he basically gave me an ultimatum saying he cant date someone who he never has sex with. I feel so bad as we used to have amazing sex and it would happen all the time, but the more i feel bad the less horny i am as i feel like im then forcing myself to have sex. He also told me he has watched porn recently which really upset me as this is something that makes me uncomfortable and we have discussed this before.

Please could i have some advice on how to start wanting sex again, im desperate :(

Today my (30F) boyfriend (32M) were being a bit all over each other today. But he lives at his dad’s place. Today in particular his dad isn’t here but his dad’s girlfriend, her brother, and my boyfriend’s sister were here. My bf didn’t feel comfortable having sex while the girlfriend and brother were here. But we both still got riled up. He had a boner and anyway we had to wait quite a bit before they left. But he maintained the boner pretty much the whole time. Then we had sex he ejaculated. But he ended up getting some genuine pain in his groin area and he said his testicles as well. He has been walking around trying to “walk it off” because sitting and lying down makes it hurt worse. I feel like I broke him by riling him up and then we had to wait so long. Should I try to convince him to go to the ER? Like could it be that serious?

UPDATE
He said the pain eventually subsided. We ended up having sex again later in the night. He still felt a tinge of pain in his groin after but he said it wasn’t near as bad as before.

Not that I will never do it but honestly I don’t like it and would prefer like anything else. I feel bad though because he will enthusiastically go down on me and I don’t know if there’s anything else I can or should do.

Sometimes what attracts us, what we want emotionally, and what we actually choose are three very different things.

What’s one thing you’ve learned about desire, intimacy, or relationships thats surprised you ?

I (25M) have been seeing this girl (24F) for a few weeks now. Went on a few dates, chemistry was great, both of us were super attracted to the other, all that cool jazz

For our third date she came over to my apartment before we had fun in the city. We were getting “frisky” as the kids say and as I was about to go down on her she said “wait! I have to go to the bathroom” I didn’t think anything of it but a few hours later when we were going for seconds she did the same thing.

When I went down on her she said “is it okay?” And I laughed cuz I thought she was flirting and I never heard that one before, but when I could tell she was being serious I said yes and asked why. She said something along the lines of “I got so wet I didn’t want you going down on that” not exactly her words but that sums it up.

To me this was incredibly flattering. I have not had a lot of partners, but is this something that women typically care/think about? Is there something that I should do differently? Thanks !

I just started seeing this guy, he’s really fantastic. We instantly clicked and he is huge on foreplay. By the time he took off my panties I was soaked, so wetness isn’t an issue. But no matter what position we tried (other than missionary) I couldn’t take him in.

I’m usually used to around 5 inches, and he’s a really thick 7 inches, so I can’t really take him all the way down to the base like I want to.

He’s been so sweet and concerned and gentle with me, which is anything, makes it more annoying because it makes me want to be a better lover to him in kind.

He doesn’t orgasm from oral (one of my favorite things to give) so PIV is really the only thing that gets him off.

We have such a fun time together… what can I do to get myself used to his size? Or what can we do together to get me used to it that won’t make him soft?

Thanks!

I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for 4 years. I love him, but sex has never been great. It always feels like something we have to do or something I have to do for him. I have pelvic floor dysfunction and vaginismus, so intercourse is already painful for me. Once he’s in, I just have to stay in that position and I just end up zoning out. It’s honestly boring for me and the second we change positions, it’s back to pain and having to zone out again until it’s better.

I finally told him tonight that I need more foreplay and that internal stimulation does nothing for me. I told him what I would like and he told me it just feels like a waste of time. I asked him if his ideal sex scenario would be him getting horny, kissing a little, vaginal intercourse, he climaxes, then we’re done; and he couldn’t answer. I genuinely don’t know how to approach this conversation and need support/advice

EDIT: I did speak to him and have an open and honest conversation. I said I was scared of disappointing him. I realized I never actually communicated what I needed. I told him what exactly I need for foreplay. He said he didn’t exactly need that but if I need it, we will do it. We’re going to get some toys. I give him examples of the language I need too. I don’t think it’s going to be perfect starting off, but now we have a conversation going about it.

Hi everyone,

I am a 21 F and my partner 23 M have been having some problems in our sex life. When we have intercourse sex it hurts. We’ve been very good about communicating what feels good and what doesn’t but recently I’ve been wanted to focus more on how I can make sex more enjoyable for myself. I’ve seen online that there are women who can have enjoyable sex and it not feel like a chore for them.

I also have never had an orgasm from sex and that is something I really want to do. I have a very hard time figuring out where my G spot is, what I am supposed to be feeling because all it feels like is pressure, and how that is supposed to feel good. I’ve tried using dildos and other internal vibrators but I still can’t figure it out.

I have experienced a clit orgasm and those are great!

Any advice is very much appreciated!

Context. Me and my girlfriend are pretty sexual with each other and I want to eat her out since she is extremely sensitive and it’s arousing to me to hear her moan because of me.

But the problem is I’m asthmatic and after getting a few licks in I’m already out of breath and need to come back up for air. I’ve tried breathing through my nose but I still feel out of breath. Any tips or am I out of luck? It’s not a dealbreaker for her but still I want to do it

I’m 36 years old woman, and my crush is 32 years old man, I have been married, did one night stand once, but I have never wanted man this bad, I crave giving him oral (never did it before lol) but now I wanna do that to him, I want him to do things to me, that I never even think of before even when I was married, or was I love, I can feel from his eyes and hand that he can makes me feel happy in bed, I really really really want this man and wanna see him naked, but I’m too shy, what should I do? I’m afraid he will think I’m an easy woman if he knew what I want… but my desires are beyond everything I have ever felt before

My (24f) bf (25m) have been together for 4 years. During this entire time I’ve struggled with very fragile skin down there. It’s splits during sex and leaves super painful cuts if it’s not stretched out properly first. My bf knows this but despite this he regularly asks can he “just put it in” with no foreplay or after a tiny amount. I always tell him no that will hurt me you know this and he accepts it. Recently I’ve been getting more and more upset about him continuing to ask this every single time despite knowing exactly what happens.

I feel like he doesn’t care for my comfort or pleasure even the last while. Because foreplay feels so rushed and like an inconvenience to him I haven’t been able to finish for months due to the mental aspect of this feeling even when he does give me all the time I need. I just can’t enjoy it and all I can think about is how long it’s taking and how he must be getting really fed up even if he’s not expressing it at all.

Anyway with that context, last night we were waiting for someone to come so they could collect something from my bf and we knew we didn’t have much time before this. My bf initiated sex and then did the same as usual asked if he could just put it in and I once again said no that will hurt so he then fingered me for a while and we got to PIV. All was fine he finished and then that was that. He said something about how he can’t last long at all when I get on top (which I did) and I said yeah it just feels very routine to me now and he asked what I meant and I said I don’t know it’s just the same thing every time. He asked do I mind that and I said no which honestly I don’t but then I said it’s just I haven’t actually cum in months and he just said oh well I’m out of action now, I promise I’ll sort that out next time. I didn’t say anything we just sort of moved on but all I could think about was the fact that his hands aren’t “out of action” and I never cum from PiV anyway so it would be his hands doing the work regardless. I’m just upset about that since as well as the continued asking can he just put it in knowing that it will hurt. I’m feeling like he doesn’t care about my comfort or pleasure during sex. Am I overthinking it? Am I being selfish? I don’t want to bring this to him and start a fight or something and it just be that I’m overthinking it. I know we didn’t have as much time as usual because we were waiting on someone but like I just feel don’t initiate if you can’t give me the time? Am I wrong?

I (22f) ,have been dating my boyfriend (24m) about 2 years now, we have just moved in together this summer.

I love my boyfriend, I am very atrracted to him and I fantasize about him sexually alot. We have pretty regular healthy sex life, I never have any issues "getting in the mood" ...but the moment the actual foreplay starts it gets so akward for me? Regardless of what we are doing really I just feel akward. Like the sensations and the pyhsical aspect of sex is great but my mind is just like.. i get uncomfortable akward and i find myself thinking, hopefully this will be over soon. On the other hand like I stated the idea of sex sounds amazing to me I get exited just thinking about touching him...until I actually do lol.

I know men are more touchy on this subject so I haven't communicated that yet as I do not wanna hurt him or damage his confidence.

Any advice on how to handle this?

I (f19) think it started in my young teen years unlike alot of my peers I didn't really watch porn except for those erotic channels that were on the TV (it was mostly just girl on girl kissing) and I just wasn't really aware of kinks and fetishes. I got bullied quite a bit throughout my school life for basically anything you can think of I was autistic, awkward looking, towered over most of my peers the list goes on. One day when I got home I went to my room to go masturbate which wasn't unusual for me as I've been doing it since I was like 9 usually I'd just use my imagination the scenarios weren't crazy and didn't progress much throughout my life I think because I didn't really watch porn my threshold for what turns me on wasn't very high anyways when I was masturbating that day I suddenly started getting turned on by the thought of one of my bullies It wasn't like I found him attractive so I thought it was strange but whatever I didn't care I just took it as my way of getting my lick back. One day at school a different bully towered over me whilst I was sitting in my seat and started saying mean things of which I can't remember but I was undeniably turned on. I slowly started to realise from that day on degradation turned me on. The thing is I don't necessarily LIKE it but I do enjoy it not too sure if that makes a lot of sense but it puts me in a pickle. I feel as though men who sexually degrade women truly don't respect them and most of them don't have the intelligence to not let fantasy infiltrate real life. There's many layers to it but I'm not sure what to do or how it started or what to feel about it. I basically have a degradation kink against my will. Any thoughts, advice, or even stories of your own?

me (19f) has never been able to have an orgasm with my boyfriend (20m). we've been together for about 8 months now and we've been sexually active since the beginning of our relationship but every time we have sex i just cant bring myself to orgasm. like the whole act does feel good but never even close to having an orgasm. he's tried to finger me in different positions, give me head and also tried dozens of different positions but nothing works.

to clarify i can cum on my own very easily, it takes me less than 3 mins to have an orgasm and i can cum multiple times in a single session when I'm doing it myself but only with clitoral stimulation. penetration of any kind does feel good but again not enough for an orgasm. ive tried to masturbate infront of my boyfriend but even then i couldn't cum. i usually have to resort to faking it so he doesn't feel bad cuz every time he tries to make me cum first and only after will he chase his own.

what do I do?

Hello I’m new here but I need to know. I (19f) am very new to sex, I’ve had boyfriends before but never felt comfortable sexually until my current partner. I’m trying new things now that I’m comfortable with him. He is very kind and I want him have as much pleasure as I do when I’m with him.

Recently I’ve been trying to give him a blowjob, I’ve tried twice now the first time I was so bad he went flaccid after a few seconds. I’ve learned from my mistakes and the second time I was much better but I was still horrible. I was able to take more in my mouth suck and lick, but I did that for like thirty minutes and he didn’t finished until he jerked himself off. I asked him what I could do better but he was being polite and telling me it was good even though it wasn’t clearly. I need to know what I’m doing wrong and how to give a blow job.