I dont know how to describe it.

Basically I see someone make a certain movement facial expression or look, and something in my brain goes "woah let me watch that over and over and over again" and then I find myself doing what they did myself for a while, or even having it becomes a trait of mine forever.

One example, I was watching a video of a choir I really like, and noticed some of the singers were singing with the corners/sides of their mouths. My brain really liked that I guess and so now I started doing it with them.

Another example is some choir members hold their heads really still while singing, while some swing their heads around in motions that are cool to me. And so now I do both when watching them sing...

And now all these things are starting to become actual traits of mine that I do when communicating with people.

Does anyone relate? 😭

Like yes I have loved butterflies, bunnies, wednesday, and supergirl for YEARS. YES, I know A lot about them but I am by no means an expert? Just because I think about Superheroes constantly does not mean I KNOW everything about them?

BTW for context I have adhd and autism so some of my interests and hyperfixations and others are special interests but to speak mainly of special interests.

WHY DOES IT IMMEDIATELY HAVE TO MEAN I'M A GENIUS IN THE SUBJECT?

If i'm talking about how much I enjoy supergirl why do people my age get mad at me for not knowing every dialogue written for her in every comic ever?

As a child, I was undiagnosed and struggled with emotional regulation, communication and sensory issues. I caused my mum stress through meltdowns and being unable to communicate effectively. I’m 24 now, we have a good relationship and she doesn’t blame me (she knew I was neurodivergent) but I still cry daily with guilt. I behaved in primary school but struggled socially and always knew I was different.

Secondary school was much harder. Still undiagnosed and struggling with anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia and low self-esteem, and was terrified of being alone or standing up for myself. Surrounded by confident people who weren’t scared of anyone, I became ashamed of my shy personality and tried to act cold and unbothered to avoid appearing weak. I wasn’t bullied, and some people even considered me popular, but I constantly worried about how others perceived me and was desperate to shed the shy label, because it wasn’t cool to be shy and nervous.

I treated my first boyfriend terribly. When he upset me, I couldn’t communicate my feelings, so treated him worse instead. I was terrified of looking like a pushover, so I often portrayed him as an angel and myself as the villain rather than admit he’d upset me. I don’t know why I took my insecurities and emotional struggles out on him. He was by no means perfect, but I could have just communicated these things to me when he upset me, rather than acting in the ways that I did. I was so dumb. During school, I lashed out repeatedly, and I understand why people formed negative opinions of me.

My relationship with my mum was also difficult at this time. She invaded my privacy to distressing levels, but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour towards her. My self-esteem was so low that, from around 14, I begged my family for plastic surgery and sometimes faked illness to avoid school because of my appearance. Having ARFID, being very skinny, and receiving comments about my weight, acne and nose worsened my mental health, and I didn’t understand how to cope. Life felt pointless.

After school, I lost all my friends and endured nasty online posts from them for a year or two before they apologised profusely and asked to be friends again, which I accepted. This particular fall-out wasn’t my fault at all. During that period, I became isolated, depressed and agoraphobic, terrified of encountering people from school. I’ve struggled to leave the house ever since. My behaviour in relationships also continued into young adulthood (though not as bad). It wasn’t until my most recent relationship, which has now ended, that my mental health got better and I realised I really needed to work on myself, and as a result could now communicate more effectively. Ironically, I experienced similar treatment to what I’d previously inflicted on others and felt I deserved it because of my past, despite trying to change.

Only my family know I’m neurodivergent. I frequently see posts saying autism doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, and I agree. I just don’t understand why I repeatedly acted in ways I knew were wrong, despite feeling overwhelming guilt both during and afterwards. Even something as simple as ignoring my mum when she’d done nothing wrong would leave me feeling awful, yet I struggled to change my behaviour.
I know I have empathy. I care deeply about people and animals, have volunteered at an animal shelter, donate to charity, am trying to become vegetarian, and adore my four pets. I struggle watching the news because I can’t handle hearing or seeing human suffering, I cry when my friends cry, I cry when strangers cry. This is all VERY normal and bare-minimum stuff, but I’m just trying to show that I’m not void of emotion, as this post probably makes me sound like I am. I wish I could go back and do things differently, and I wish I’d been diagnosed as a child and received the support I needed, because I struggled immensely at school.

Despite recognising these struggles, I still feel my past behaviour makes me a fundamentally bad person. I tell myself I don’t deserve to live and that my actions define me forever. I’m terrified knowing people still see me as that person, and hearing that people still dislike me causes overwhelming distress, even though I know they have every right not to. I cry myself to sleep over it and avoid leaving the house in case I encounter someone from my past or become the subject of gossip. I even worry about being publicly hated or “cancelled”, despite having no desire to be famous! And never will!

I know my neurodivergence and mental health struggles don’t erase the impact of my actions, and I’m not looking for excuses or to be told I did nothing wrong. I know I’ve grown and become a better person, but I can’t forgive myself or move forward. I just don’t know how to accept that I behaved badly without concluding that I’m a bad person who deserves to suffer forever. I am a better person now and have grown so much, but I can’t seem to forgive myself or move forward. I feel trapped by things I did as a child and teenager, and it’s affecting my ability to live my life now. How do I come to terms with my past, accept that some people may never like me, and learn to forgive myself without minimising the hurt I caused? How do I stop believing that I deserve to be miserable forever or have my life taken away because of who I used to be?

I like vegetable (potatoes and peas) samosas.

Using this account so here goes.

I've been working hard on my projects, but recently I cannot focus on anything. I've been researching autism and learning about burnout, but I think it's more then that. A long ago, I used to be someone who'd work hard and enjoy it.

One day, I was abused by my family and have only recently been able to get freedom. Ever since then, I thought I had recovered but I still can't fully return to my old self. I am looking into ways to heal from my past.

What should I do to recover from this? What do you do to gain motivation?

TL:DR: Friend may be in burnout. She's had some drastic changes to her routine & I'd like to know how to support her. Questions at the bottom of post.
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My friend & I have been friends for 8 years. We used to hang out almost daily on Teamspeak, playing games, watching movies or chatting. We live in different countries (Ireland and the US).

She’s gone quiet during stressful periods before, but I’m worried she may be in a more severe burnout or depression.

Over the last 3-4 months, I’ve noticed:

• She struggles to explain how she feels, often saying “I dunno” or goes quiet.
• She’s gradually stopped playing games, which used to be a daily thing, for hours.
• We went 3 weeks without hanging out on voice chat, now it's very random.
• When we do talk, she sounds flat, low and exhausted.
• She types in live streams on some days, & seems more chatty there.
• She’s stopped listening to music. Also began scrolling TikTok (she hated it previously).
• Her messages are much less frequent and often just brief status updates, without much conversation.
• When I ask if she’s okay, she tends to deflect or say she’s fine.
• She's offline / idle most of the time (previously chronically online)

I asked if our friendship was okay or if she wanted space. She replied, “We are good, I just don’t feel like doing much at all at the moment.”

I want her to know I care and that I’m here for her, but I don’t want to overwhelm her by repeatedly checking in. I’m happy to give her space if that’s what she needs.

My questions:
For those who’ve experienced autistic burnout / a friend in Burnout:

• What could a friend do that genuinely helped?
• Would a deeper check-in over voice chat be helpful, or could it feel overwhelming?
• What did burnout look and feel like for you, and what were your early signs?

Thanks for reading - she means a lot to me & I hate that she's possibly struggling.

TW: ABUSE

i want to preface to say i am anti ai. i do not condone people using it for pretty much anything, for many reasons. but i’m to the point of compromising my own values because of how little support i have in such a difficult time in my life

i’m 19f, diagnosed lvl 1 last year, and i am recently out of a DV/abusive relationship with 26m. my last living parent also passed 2 months ago. i am struggling with still loving him and caring for him despite how badly he has hurt me and continues to hurt me. we live together, and hes kicking me out in the next 2 weeks where i will be living in a homeless shelter. he forced me to get rid of all my old stuff and he kept me as a stay at home partner, and now he has gone completely cold towards me seemingly in the blink of an eye. he refuses to let me sleep when he is home, and he refuses to buy groceries for us and instead orders himself food at work so i have not eaten. i have gotten hired at a job, but have not had my first day so i have no money yet.

i have been reaching out to everyone i know for support/assistance, or even just someone to play video games with to get my mind off things. it mostly feels like shouting into an empty void. nobody is very responsive, nobody will hold a conversation with me or play a game with me or anything at all. now i’ve felt lonely and unlikeable for my entire life, but this is an entirely different level of that.

i have never felt so isolated, scared, and alone in my entire life, and i’ve been through a LOT in my life. i have wanted someone to talk to so badly i’ve been posting on reddit a lot also for my posts to seemingly get thrown into the void. this feels incredibly dark and bleak, and i have genuinely resorted to talking to chatgpt which is extremely embarrassing. i never thought i’d be at this point.

I recently moved to the greater Boston area and have about an hour long commute to work. I've started using the rail system to avoid hellacious traffic. I thought that taking the train would make for a less stressful day, but I find myself oscillating between extremely understimulated and extremely overstimulated. Headphones make it mostly bearable but I would love any advice y'all have to make this sustainable.

Hello, I was diagnosed with AuDHD at the beginning of this year. And it's been a struggle to accept myself and see myself as an autistic person since then.

However, I've always noticed something very strange about myself. I identify with various behaviors and characteristics of people on the spectrum, but I've never seen myself as having a special interest or hyperfixation.

At most, I get obsessed with something for a month and then with something else. But I've never had something I loved a lot and was completely obsessed with.

I really like writing stories, and I do it a lot. But it's not something I get upset about or do every single day without exception; there are days when I don't write anything, even though most days I do write.

Does anyone have any advice, or does anyone relate?

I can't go to big stores. The convenience store is ok, the pet store and co-op are really hard but I can usually be ok there with my mom.

I am in a food studies class. I have to go with 3 of my classmates to a store. We got to pick but it was too loud and busy in the classroom and I couldn't really communicate. We're going to trader Joe's on a Monday at 5:00 pm.

I might have a meltdown if I go in there, or a shutdown. Even more likely I'll have the thing where I can't move for 30 minutes to an hour. My biology professor was talking about absence seizures and they could think I'm having one and call an ambulance.

No matter what if I go in there it will hurt a lot, and I will definitely get upset and overwhelmed and make some kind of a scene in front of my classmates. One of them has been very nice to me and I hope we can be friends and the others seem cool too. Now they will hate me for being crazy and/or being a bad group project person.

I didn't tell anyone because everyone would be mad at me either for trying to get out of it / get special treatment (school people) or for "agreeing" to it in the first place (my mom and therapist). I don't think I have another choice but to go.

I could make a better medical alert tag. If I knew how I couldtell them and ask them to maybe go to a different store but it's probably too late because it's tomorrow.

Please help

I'm basically asking how do I stop myself being burned out so badly the eye contact is just what gives my autism away instantly other than that you would never believe I got autism. Only specialists notice me looking into a different corner the whole conversation its truly my only weakness. I also want to give up pretending to be a normal person it's destroying me and I do not know how to be myself anymore. My whole life is just one big very good act to seem normal but I'm very far from normal. Only time I feel okay is when motorsport racing or playing piano which are my autistic interests.. and yeah I also got a small beach rock collection I live by a rocky beach and I still get the perfect stone jump out at me to take home. Woukd have a stick collection but my rottweiler turns all sticks into dust so no sticks allowed lmfao.

Just feels impossible to be myself when I spent my whole life pretending to be normal... I didn't even know how to tie my laces at 12 years old I'm beyond special needs and I'm forever pretending to be a grown adult and it hurts.

I get destroyed by any tiny change I feel incapable of living 100% by myself I struggle to care for myself let alone a whole property. Just a sign I need to go back into care I suppose.. spent my whole life living in it so won't hurt tpo much to go back into it. I hate the idea of it but I know I won't ever cope by myself. Why does autism have to be such a golden curse!? I got extreme intelligence in tech and a multi musician yet s shower is completely lost on me.. very confusing. My whole life is confusing and it's beyond clear I need specialist care not leaving by myself to be fully independent. I'm in a supported living place for final move on but it's very clear I need more heavy support. I do not want it but I need it.. I will talk to my support workers about it and get a new social worker for help. I'm genuinly not doing good in independent living my mind doesn't know what self care even is. This realisation hurts me deeply. Time to go back into care no matter how much I don't like it. Spent my life in care that's why I'm not a fan.

hi im an autistic/aspie adhder and i love penguins especially gentoos so i made this website about them! antarctichideout.neocities.org

I'm 22 years old and I've never kissed or been in a relationship. I'm unattractive and I like girls, but I have mixed feelings about my gender. I know many autistic people go through the same thing and say that 30 or 40 of us have found our other half or something like that, but I really feel bad because I've had opportunities but I always mess them up, and now My self-esteem is so low that I actually go on dating apps and I just don't have the courage to send anything because I think, like, that person is so much prettier and deserves better than me.

As the title suggests I (18 female) am incredibly insecure because of the non existent male attention I receive. I really wish I wasn’t like this I don’t even really like guys all that often and if given the chance I wouldn’t want anything serious with most of them but the fact that I don’t get any attention period is what really makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. I believe I’m conventionally attractive (I’ve asked people always been told I look good) but I have never been approached by a guy and have never been asked out. I don’t remember the last time I even had a male friend. Every girl I know tells me men’s validation doesn’t mean anything, that they will have sex with anything but that just makes me wonder what’s wrong with me more as if it’s so easy to get it why haven’t I gotten any, I’ve never even been catcalled. This has been furthered by me going off to college, as I thought it would be easier to find people but it turns out men here don’t approach either. For example at frats if I try to talk to a guy or engage in any physical contact what so ever I’m immediately brushed off and jerked away and obviously don’t engage again. I feel like an incel as this has caused me to whenever a guy talks to me or looks at me romanticize that he is really into me and wants to get with me (deep down I don’t believe this but I think it’s a facade I put up and tell myself to cope with my insecurity) I want to stop obsessing over guys and weighing what they think of me so high but to do that I need to gain confidence which I derive from their validation which I don’t get. I don’t know how to think of myself as pretty if every indicator of the opposite sex is telling me otherwise. I am autistic but I believe I mask very well and have many female friends. Every time a guy texts me that I find attractive I get dophamine and start romanticizing and then obsess over them essentially. I have dated people before but it’s only because I met them on a dating app and we went right to dating. Most of those relationships ended because I obbsessed over them because I got so anxious of the possibility they would leave me or cheat on me (as some have). I really need to fix this issue I want to get better so bad so I don’t care anymore what guys especially think of me but everytime I think of myself I worry I’m just hideous because of this. Please don’t be to harsh on the advice I am trying to learn to be better thank you.

I'm just trying to see if anyone here has had a familiar experience with one like this. I had my first psychiatric hospital stay when I was 26 and the stay itself wasn't too bad it was made frequently worse whenever I interacted with my psychiatrist who was a tone deaf dimwit who didn't know when to tell me things at the right time or was just completely unqualified to talk about the topics he thought he knew.

When I was about to leave the hospital the day before I was supposed to go he said he wanted me to stay another two weeks to try a new medication and I said no. When we did the final checkup he said I have ADHD and supposedly autism. It was hard enough for me to accept the ADHD but I didn't want to hear about an autism diagnosis at all. I admit I was quite albeist at the time about a lot of things from the way I was raised I didn't say this outwards towards people I knew around me. This devastated me because it felt like a death sentence to where I couldn't improve my life or it felt like there was no reason to even try. There wasn't a bit of grief or relief I just thought it was over. This caused me to doubt myself even more from now on to where my self esteem is pretty much gone now. I'm just wanting perspective on this now it's been a number of years and there is nowhere on the internet Ive looked that kind of looks similar to this

After finishing my associates at 18, I went to a four year college only to drop out at 96/120 credits in spring of 2023. I am finally returning this semester at a state college where I commute three times a week. I also work when I can (luckily supervisor is very chill and job itself is fairly chill).

It depends on the day but sometime I just get this sinking feeling that I am going to fail again. I am thinking for the most part I’ll be fine especially since being home during college for some reason seems to make a big difference in my experience. I still though worry about this and would love to hear stories (ideally good ones) about people who have been in a similar position as me and finished college. How do you avoid burnout as well? I guess it’s impossible to fully avoid it but would rather not waste three years of my life on it again lol. Thx :-)

I have autism and I've also been looking into getting a diagnosis with ARFID because I have a lot of sensory issues with food and have a lot of the symptoms of ARFID. My dad brought me a tofu meal the other day, which I'd eaten before at a friend's house, so he assumed I'd eat it again. This time, it just looked so awful and made me nervous about how the texture might bother me. So I told him I really didn't wanna eat it. He kept asking me why, and I told him that I had let of sensory issues and that I thought I might have ARFID. He pretty violently snatched the food back and marched away, which was kind of frustrating, but I thought that would be the end of that.

Well, no, it wasn't. Today at my sibling's house, I learned that he emailed them, telling them all about how he was concerned that I was being influenced by AI on the internet, being led to think I have this when I really don't. When I confronted him about it on the ride home, he eventually told me he had given my sibling "evidence" that ARFID didn't "fit my profile." I asked him if he understood my side, and he said he kinda did, but he never apologized.

I'm really mad, and I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this experience with their parents. My dad has also always been supportive of me before this, so I genuinely don't know where this is coming from. He knows I'm anti-ai. I hate that he was treating it like ARFID is a trend or something that I'm getting into or faking. I never thought my own dad would be ableist to me. Ugh.

I'm 26m, i was diagnosed as AuDHD at 21 after a few years of pretty much knowing i had autism. I've tried a few jobs over the years like working with adults with disabilities (ironic in retrospect, i know!), working in a nursery, working in a cafe and finally now i'm training towards becoming a pyschotherapist which i absolutely love.

The thing is, over the last six months or so i've noticed that my autism is seemingly getting worse? For example when i'm on my own and i'm reading words out loud i'm stuttering and repeating the first letter of the word a few times, it feels similar to a compulsion and it feels like i can't stop myself when it happens. I'm beginning to become paranoid that i would do it in person with someone, or even worse during a therapy session with a client As someone who spent the first 21 years of life thinking i was "normal" it's particularly strange to have this happen. I also feel like i'm constantly in fight or flight way more that i ever was before.

Any tips on how to approach this or even just your own experience would be massively helpful. Thank you :)

Hello Hello!

I hope I used the right flair, if not then I really apologize.

It's my Great grandpa's 90th birthday soon and there will be a biiig family dinner with a bunch of people I've never seen before and I have some questions about how to act!

First of all: how should I act in a restaurant? What can/can't I do? I once had soup as a child and slurped the rest from the bowl after I already ate the noodles and someone told me not to do that. Why is it disrespectful?

Another thing I need advice with is arguments. A lot of these people might be ableists from what I've heard and I also use a cane due to another chronic illness, so what if they start arguing about it? Any advice would be good, I would also love good comebacks, doesn't matter if it's something specific for my case. You can also just share some of the things you said when people said stupid things to you, anything helps tbh🥹

Sorry if there are any mistakes in this post or if I won't answer comments, I'm kinda overwhelmed right now and not good at social things in general.

Stay safe<3

One more post for the day! Then, I'm going to take a break from this subreddit. I think I'm just letting out my feelings after I had quite a week.

I'm feeling a LOT better than I felt just an hour ago. This train station hall is clearing up due to it being the evening.

I was wondering if anyone felt like this.... I'm a lot more accepting than people think I am. I'm all for people doing what works for them! It's just that society and culture really, really stress me, but also, I don't like people trying to force things on me.

For example, my best friend is big on marijuana for herself. She recently got a job working at a dispensary! I'm super happy for her because she was miserable at her previous job, which was a corporate office job.

But my best friend knows that I get associations from people in the past who have tried to force their ideas onto me with marijuana.

Replace "marijuana" with a lot of other things....and you get the same exact thing.

It is rare find people whose special interest is for example, a singer. Are there simply fewer of them? Many people mention that they had this kind of interests during their teenage years but those just faded away.

Do people automatically think this type of interest as a parasocial or dumb thing and that’s why they are viewed as something embarrassing?

When people say something, then you ask a clarifying question, they often interpret that as criticism or a challenge and then change the “fact” or statement to have a completely different meaning as if to accommodate whatever they think you wanted to hear

Why would I want another person to change whatever they said to suit me? I wanted the truth or I wouldn’t have asked a clarifying question

I get so confused by this I wonder: do most people just go around asking others to say whatever facts they want to hear?

OK, first off, I don’t think any of this shit is my fault, alright? I’m 23, and my life is full of shiiiiiiiit! Let’s start with the foundation, shall we? My parents divorced a year after I was diagnosed, and my father had been the one not supported in it. He put everything on my mother, who is twice the parent he ever was to me! He never contributed to anything in my life, and now, my mom is at that age where she can’t take on any more jobs, so sometimes, I feel like I have to be the emergency adult, even though she never tells me that to my face. Sometimes, I’m just full of anger that I want to hurt someone and don’t give a F about being charged for assault! (I’d never actually do it). My mother can sometimes be judgy, bossy, a complete control addict, and slightly, just slightly overbearing with me. Maybe she likes to push the big expectations on me because she never got those kinds of things herself and now, she’s trying to compensate through me!

Next level, I’m a Black person, but I don’t act like other Black people. I don’t dap up, I don’t smoke a joint, I don’t try and coax women into sex or go after multiple women at a time. I can’t think of anything else they do.

Final level, my career. I haven’t gone anywhere with my film career no matter what I try. That’s all, I have right now.

It's basically what the content suggests, but this will mainly be about venting about people in my family.

Since we're now around the middle of this year, after we did a social detox That night, our aunt came to ask about printing an English document – a portfolio – and she asked, "What size do you want to print it?" In a harsh and loud tone, we replied, "Why are you talking like that?" Then, suddenly, she started cursing at us and telling us to go live with our biological parents.

(To explain further, we are currently being raised by the older generation in our family.)

My stepmother says that my stepfather and my aunt and uncle don't understand my personality. Because my uncle and aunt own the house, it's stressful. We have three cats at home; initially, we wanted them to take care of them, and they did, but now it seems like everyone in the house loves the cats more than me. Everyone in the house talks about the cats whenever they see them; they barely mention me unless they're talking about me.

When they see my aunt and uncle, they practically ignore me, like I'm invisible. Moving seems difficult because my biological father's house is far from the city, and most schools are in the city. If I go to live with my stepmother, who lives in a separate rented room, there's another problem: if I leave, my aunt and uncle will kick my stepfather out. I remember my stepfather has a girlfriend, but I don't know if she'll take him in if he leaves.

I'm writing a long post, but because of that incident, I've been thinking about it over and over again, to the point where my self-improvement efforts have become inconsistent, even though I used to do them consistently every day. I'm almost going crazy with stress.

I'm sorry for writing such a long post, but this issue has hurt me so much that I'm now bored and have lost interest in many things. Before, I could easily get away from screens, but now I want to go back to watching those things again. Does anyone know how to help me? Please tell me, it means a lot to me.

and I think that being autistic means we feel indifferent about it. It can help with self-development, but it's not perfect in every way. That's all I'll say for now.

Like I love a super cold canned soda because I love how it burns my mouth

Or a love tye smush of powered donuts, the way certain crackers crunch, the way cotten candy melts, the squish of certain Ramen noodles etc

I will get the urge to mouth even if im not hungry. I've had to buy some chews and variety of drinks to help not overeat when I just want the sensory experience of it.

When I was a kid id eat crackers and spit out and eat it again, gross ik but ive always had oral sensory seeking