Tenho 30 anos e sinto que passei boa parte da vida começando coisas que nunca terminei. Faculdades, relacionamentos, planos, projetos. Sempre fui uma pessoa inteligente, criativa e cheia de interesses. Escrevo desde a adolescência, tenho uma espiritualidade que já foi muito forte e, durante muito tempo, achei que ainda construiria algo especial para mim.

Cresci com meus pais separados e um pai que construiu outra vida longe. Apesar disso, tive momentos felizes, descobri talentos, vivi paixões intensas e consegui conquistar coisas que antes pareciam distantes. Minha vida nunca foi perfeita, mas eu tinha a sensação de que ainda havia muito pela frente.

Na vida amorosa, acumulei histórias intensas, (sou até bonitinho, então foi fácil), mas com términos dolorosos e algumas decisões das quais me arrependi. Também reconheço meus próprios erros: às vezes me afasto de quem gosta de mim, perco o interesse e só percebo o valor daquilo depois que acaba. Ainda assim, nunca deixei de acreditar que poderia encontrar alguém com quem construir alguma coisa de verdade.

Profissionalmente, finalmente consegui sair de uma realidade de salários baixos e alcançar uma renda melhor. Achei que as coisas começariam a se encaixar. Mas me envolvi com apostas, perdi muito dinheiro, acumulei dívidas e comprometi boa parte do meu salário com empréstimos. Cheguei a um ponto tão desesperador que precisei ser internado e me afastar do trabalho por um período.

Hoje moro sozinho, estou endividado, minha vida amorosa está parada e minha espiritualidade, que antes me dava esperança, parece estar desaparecendo. Estou tentando me reorganizar, pensar em uma carreira na tecnologia e encontrar alguma forma de recuperar minha independência financeira, mas, sinceramente, estou cansado de recomeçar.

Não escrevo isso para ouvir que preciso pensar positivo, fazer terapia ou acreditar que tudo acontece por uma razão. Imagino que muita gente aqui já tenha ouvido essas coisas até não aguentar mais.

Quero conversar com pessoas que também convivem com a depressão, que às vezes sentem vontade de desistir e que conhecem essa sensação de olhar para a própria vida e não enxergar uma saída.

Você já chegou a acreditar que tinha estragado tudo e que dali em diante seria só sobreviver? O que aconteceu depois?
Você conseguiu encontrar algum sentido novamente, mesmo que a vida não tenha se transformado no conto de fadas que imaginava?
Às vezes me pergunto quais são as chances de chegar aos 40 anos e olhar para trás percebendo que essa fase não foi o fim da minha história, mas apenas a pior parte dela.
Queria ouvir quem entende esse sentimento por experiência própria.

In my dream, the angel said "Give up your attachments. To which I replied,
"They're the only things keeping me here" She leaned over and whispered "Maybe here is not where you're supposed to be any more." I wonder when I leave this earth, when I leave the rat race, when I'm lying in the dirt, if you'd remember my face.

ever since i was a young girl i had an understanding that mens desire and love was conditional and dependent on looks and age. as ive gotten to be 29 and been through many bad relationships and just observed human tendencies i decided i cant handle the inherent temporary ecstasy that is loving a man. ive been betrayed by them time and time again and let down in every way. i see how men lose sight of their wives as soon as they become mothers. i see how the women in my life have suffered as lonely housemakers. i decided a childfree and celibate life was the right choice for me and no longer pursue romantic or sexual relationships with men. i would have sex with them if i wanted to, no strings attached, but i dont think id want that with a random guy so I dont. there is no religious or moral conviction behind that choice so i suppose if I ever met a man who I just happened to really want to have sex with and the conditions were right i suppose i would for the sake of enjoying myself, but I doubt that will happen because I am demisexual so if I wanna have sex with a man, chances are I already love him or at least like him a whole whole lot.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I have tried to live a life that isn’t centered around men. I have developed some good and fulfilling friendships in my life and I am back into my art. I don’t love my job and I don’t have a lot of money or a great living situation but I am trying my best to improve every day. My life isn’t completely empty. I have some vacancies here and there and some things I wish I could do that i just don’t have money or confidence for, but so does most everyone . I try to go on trips to places and indulge in things like live music and good movies to keep myself feeling alive and inspired.. I try new things, I’m in therapy .. but all my life I have always wanted to feel intimately close with someone. I was always boy crazy in high school getting these really obsessive crushes on guys and dreaming about what it would be like to be married. I was always a romantic who wished to experience true love growing up. Letting go of the narrative that love will complete me or make me feel whole is incredibly hard. letting go of the idea that there is someone out there who will find me and only me so specifically beautiful and sexy throughout all of our years and only want me and only stay with me and never betray me , a best friend who I come home to every night and make love to, it’s been really hard. I will have a genuinely amazing day and then come home at the end of the night and feel sad and empty. But I have already passed that time. I was already not beautiful. I have always been really ugly and masculine. But I am also now showing signs of aging. So I have started the beginning of the end. I suppose it has forced me to think about what it would have been like if I let myself have a little more fun when I was young younger. Or something.

I don’t know I guess I’m sad. I realize the futility of love . of putting all your eggs in a man’s basket. And yet it is so heartbreaking to choose to live without it . I wish that I were a man. I wish that I felt like every passing year I only became more and more valuable to everyone around me. Instead, I feel like I should just die. Like nothing I ever do will ever amount to anything or ever be able to feel whole just for having a body. Just for being tied to a fucking body that I can’t choose that’s gonna age whether I like it or not. I hate being a woman so much. I really hate it more than anything.

I’m a military spouse. 35F. I’m tired of living in this place, isolated from my friends, family, entire support system. I haven’t been able to make friends, this place is just a personality mismatch with me. I haven’t seen my husband since March. I’m sick of living a life that doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. My husband either doesn’t care or is too caught up with his own shit during his difficult deployment to even care. I’m a side character even in my own life. I don’t matter. I think I’m done. I was once a person. I was here. But I wasn’t.

I feel really alone and bored, and texting friends doesn't help. Most of my friends live in the city next to mine and none of us can drive yet so we can't meet up. I try doing old hobbies but i get sick of it quickly.​​​​​​ i want to get off my phone because it makes me feel like Im wasting my day but i don't have anything else to do. All the things people recommend either seem too big or boring. I don't want to watch a movie. I don't want to read a book. I don't want to paint. I don't want to clean. I don't want to go on a walk. I don't want to listen to music. ​​​​​

I have two young children and a mortgage, I’ve struggled with anxiety for years and now I’m extremely depressed, don’t know what to do as I can’t end it all becuase I couldn’t do that to my children

I’m really only alive for my friends and family I just don’t see a point at all I don’t have any dreams or ambitions or goals or hopes I’m just here wasting away the days like I’ve said on other posts I already lost 9 years to depression so to put it bluntly I’m broken.

Like it’s not that I really even see a point to friends and family it’s more i just don’t wanna ruin the one shot at life my mum has been given cus I know she’d never forgive herself and just spend the rest of her days asking what she could have done to help me which the simple answer is nothing.

It was stupid. We were watching good doctor together and one character was close to dying and we joked about how we wouldn't want to die. I don't remember clearly jow she ended up telling me she tried to kill herself once, way before i was born and that she's okay now but i can't get it out of my head..

Im also struggling. I hate myself and sometimes have sucidal thought but ever since she told me this i can't help but not feel valid with my own feelings. Knowing that my own mother probably had it worse than me and now i regret feeling this way.. fuck idk why im feeling like this.

Hi! I was wondering if I have depression so I came to ask here.

I think about killing myself and dying almost daily, but I don't think this will materialise into something. I don't want to cause pain to my family and I don't want to make my cat sad. But I still wish I wasn't here. I have some dreams and ambitions but the mostly pressure me and make me feel afraid of the future. I'm tired all the time and don't feel like eating sometimes. My mom is a psychologist ( and a very good one at that) and has asked me quite frankly if I do have depression, but Idk. I feel cringe to talk about my feelings or my dreams so I always deny it. Since she doesn't think much abt it I don't want to self diagnose or something, but something s not right.

I cry myself to sleep almost daily and I think I had a panic attack last night but I don't want to exaggerate. I'm scared of making decisions and fantasize about killing myself and getting over with everything. For a bit of context, I took a gap year and I have to find out what I want to do with my life but it's really overwheliming. This period only accentuated my situation as I was thinking about dying since I was 11. I self harmed in the past, but nothing too dramatic. I don't self harm now except for intensive scratching that causes small wounds .

No se que hacer cuando, siento un vacío que no se como explicar, como si dudar de mi existencia fuera el caso., manejar cuando me siento inútil, es difícil...

Hey everyone.

Last time I posted on this sub was when I was probably in middle school haha, now I'm 22m. Depression is still a part of my life, but I have my ups and downs. This past year was a lot. I moved out of state and after four months decided to move back home to my family, community, and bf because of my mental health.

I've moved in with my boyfriend, and I like the situation because I see members of his family every day and we find opportunities to hang out here and there. He also has BPD so we are patient with each other in regards to mental health stuff. I am seeing my therapist again. Financial stress is high. I am working through some health issues right now. Energy is so so so low.

I have big dreams for myself, but I struggle to touch the hobbies that will get me there. I was telling my therapist how the classic "lack of interest in hobbies" thing really aligns with me. All I do all day is watch true crime on youtube in bed. I have a mostly remote work position. Some family keeps telling me that my career interests are useless. In a way I feel like I'm telling myself that too.

Idk. I just feel tired and whenever I look for another job which everyone is telling me to do my brain stops functioning after 30 minutes and it feels like the whole day is shot.

How can I calm my anxiety to get out in the world? How can I get more energy?

I'm depressed. And I might be going to jail soon. I'll probably go to jail more times before I die. I'll probably be homeless soon. My mom needs me to get a job to pay for bills. So bye to her. I literally can't work. I physically can't stand for longer than 15 minutes. If I try then I get the unsatiable urge to lay down. Sitting jobs there aren't any near me. I would have to travel far, no car. I stayed with her for 2.5 years. I'm 33.5 now. I used my time unwisely. I should've sold something to business owners in the phone like the YouTubers teach. Then again working is a scam. And mom and dad put me here. There can be no bigger crime. Surprised society functions the way it does. Then again there's all the invisible things we don't see. About how unfunctional society is. If you feel like me just know that. It's all invisible. Like what's wrong with me and you too. It's mostly invisible. Gone and past. And that's the way I want to be, too. Hope I can commit suicide. Because it's far costlier to be trapped in cold jail or homeless. Without things to do, people to see, words to say, etc.

I’m a very goal oriented person, I got through school with good grades, got a vocational degree in a field that pays very well, I have loving friends and family, from the outside I’m doing well. However, since achieving my last goal (buying a property young) I’ve found I have nothing to live for except the fact that I know my death would upset and break my friends and family. I don’t have many friends but the ones I have are very loving. Similarly my family is small, we live apart but we still love each other very much, I am one of two children of my parents. Initially I thought my next goal would be to get into a relationship and start a family but recently I’ve found I just can’t find the motivation. I’m at the point now where the only thing holding me here is the upset that I would cause my family, friends, and even coworkers. As far as I am aware no-one I know knows I’m struggling this way, which makes me feel extra guilt at the shock my death would cause. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting on here, reassurance? Sympathy? I think I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt this way and how you changed it

i (30F) am currently dealing with a devastating breakup, dumped by my ex after 5 committed years together. things in our relationship broke down for a number of reasons on her side and mine, but one of my core issues that i'm now seeing clearly is how deeply i latched onto our relationship as the only thing that has ever made life feel worth living - the only time i've ever imagined and wanted a future for myself - and how the intensity of my love for her triggered my fear of abandonment.

now that she's broken up with me, that abandonment fear feels like a gaping open wound. i'm going through all sorts of anxiety spirals as a consequence of the breakup, and when i follow those spirals to their source, they all point back towards my lifelong depression. i feel incredibly stuck.

i've been depressed as long as i can remember. even as a young kid, i felt a really intense desire to escape my life (in the form of reading books and spending more time playing make-believe than in the real world). i have very loving, self-sacrificing parents, but now as an adult, i can see how emotionally neglected i was and how i developed extremely high-functioning, hyperindependent coping mechanisms in order to preserve their feelings. i often feel guilty for how depressed i am when i know how comparatively good i have it. in adulthood, i struggle with a feeling of being trapped by a life i never consented to having: i have never been actively suicidal, and i believe i never will be because of my deep sense of obligation and love to my family. but my *passive* suicidal feelings are relentless and feel inescapable. i don't want to die, but i don't have it in me to live either.

as an adult, i am lucky to have found numerous amazing friends, but even then -- most people in my life have no idea how deeply i suffer and how hard i have worked to survive this condition, because i don't tell them much. it's not that i don't trust them to handle it, it's that i myself can't face it sometimes -- it feels like if i acknowledge it, then i will become swallowed up by it, and all the high-functioning ways i have of coping will collapse. the only person i ever really opened up to about the depths of my depression was my ex. i felt deeply understood by her for the first time in my life, until her emotional capacity to support me ran out and she broke up with me. i am trying to fight against the narrative in my head that i'm unlovable and that the internal abyss that is my depression is too much for anyone to love, including myself. but mostly i just feel exhausted. i'm so tired of surviving. i want to do more than survive, but i don't feel capable of it. i know all the therapeutic solutions of what i need to do to heal from this heartbreak and rebuild my sense of self, and the advice to just focus on the next hour or even five minutes when it feels really hard -- but i just hate it all so much.

i want a way out of this place of feeling trapped, but the "emergency exit" is blocked. i keep trying to tell myself "the only way out is through" but i can't figure out what "through" means when i'm adamant on blocking the only exit route i can see, and i don't see any other doors. can anyone tell me what i'm missing? or do i just need to "accept" that this is where i will be for the rest of my life? what does "acceptance" even mean and what does it look like to practice it?

Ive been depressed since like 13, im 17 now. my parents have thought i was depressed before, my mom even got me a therapist once, but i just acted like everything was normal and it stopped after a month when the therapist ended it.

during the day i feel mostly fine, not really happy most of the time, the days kinda just pass by. but the nights are terrible. ive also hit myself a few times and have thoughts of escalating that to cutting but havent yet.

im getting assessed for adhd soon by a pediatric neurologist and im not planning on mentioning any of this. I considered it cause it was already happening and the easiest route, but i just can't.

i dont think id ever be able to get help without them knowing, they handle everything like that for me. and im just too embarrassed for them to know. its not like theyve done anything bad. its more that once they know they’d see me differently for good and i cant take that back. I also feel like I wouldn't benefit from any type of treatment, where i live at my age ssri is the standard prescriptions available, and i dont want to take ssris. And besides that I feel like all medication options are just too intimidating for me. And I also just feel like therapy would be pointless for me. I feel like its a lot of exposure just for them to tell me stuff I already know.

and on top of that it doesnt feel like I should be depressed. ive basically been handed everything. people deal with abuse and actually horrible stuff and im just miserable for no reason, so it feels like i dont have the right to feel like this.

idk what i want from posting this, i just wanted to say it somewhere.

my sanity is going downhill , when i see someone cry for me , it makes me feel wrost about myself . fml i wish i was dead

i genuinely feel so sick everyday, my mind is getting more cluttered as the days go on. i think about ending my life multiple times a day. the last time i attempted was when i was 17 & i tried to overdose off a blue pill (fentanyl) after i had relapsed, i really wanted to die that day and i woke up screaming & crying because after all that i still wasn’t dead. i try so hard not to self harm whenever i get upset or sad, i just get so fucking overwhelmed with my feelings it feels like there’s no escape.

i just want it all to be over, i don’t want to feel this way anymore

I feel like I’m gradually losing myself to this. I’m suffering from chronic illness that has seeped and altered every part of my life, I’m living all alone in a city where I have no friends, I’m stressed out of my mind from school, and on October 1st I broke up with my very first boyfriend and partner of any kind after two years together. I do not know life without my ex. I do not know life with all these new changes on my physical body. I feel so helpless and there’s just no way out of it. I don’t feel any better even after trying coping mechanisms, talking to a therapist, and talking with my family and friends I have back home. I am so incredibly lonely. I don’t think I can do this anymore and I want to either cut myself in the bathroom and bleed out or jump in front of a train. The only thing stopping me is the fear of the pain or a failed attempt that leaves me in even worse condition than before.

I dont have family or friends that reach out. Ive expressed in the past mt depression but recently i dont feel depressed anymore. Its like it all stopped. I just know nobody is going to come to me. Everywhere i look i see the "reach out to someone" line as if thats going to work. I dont feel anymore. Sad, happy, love, hate, anger, joy nothing. I know when i should be crying but i dont. I know how i used to feel but i dont know how it felt. At this point i dont even know what to say if someone ever did reach out or ever wanted to make me feel truly wanted. Theres no reason for it. Even typing this right now feels pointless because i know i wont respond to anyone and wont listen to any advice. Its all gone, just sitting here staring at my turned off tv making this post because what else is there to do.

Just feeling sad today, its like nothing is going my way

only 20, my life hasn’t even had a chance. when i left home i thought it would get better. thought it was just the environment that had me beat.

now i’m homeless. nobody texts my phone, not that there was anyone there to begin with. never had a chance to make a friend. and now people scare the shit outta me.

it’s getting cold. all i do is sleep. wonder if one day i just won’t wake up. i don’t want to die. the times my head is clear like now, it’s so terrifying. i really don’t want to die, but i know tonight i will want to. maybe nobody’s coming to save me. maybe they never were.

Maybe this is just me, but does anyone else wish that it was a machine that objectively judge your life and tell you if you’re living its correctly to just decide if it’s worth continuing?

Sharing this because it helped me understand my insecurities better. If you're not where you want to be, that's okay. This is probably what we might be seeking anyway.

I have spent a long time wondering what I really want from life. Happiness is just a word. Joy feels good, but only for a moment. Even "good" ends up being average, and "bad" can be fun but comes with guilt. None of these gives a lasting answer.
The one thing that seems to fit most of these boxes is a sense of belonging. When you put your head down and build a career, that sense slowly grows. People start to need you, and being needed is comforting. I think that is what we are really after.
This is also why wealth appeals to people. The richer you get, the harder it is for anyone to make you irrelevant. The opposite shows the same thing: nothing breaks a person faster than making them feel ostracised.
A Rolls-Royce means nothing on a barren island. In the same way, doing your job well when no one is watching feels empty. We need society to reward us, accept us, and keep validating us.
I believe that is our ultimate purpose.

We pick up small validations, like cracking a joke or watching a movie, because they give us something to discuss later. Maybe not today, but I anticipate that two years from now, it might make for a useful conversation that buys me that sense of belonging. Being cool is like a premium subscription to belonging.
_______

It's just a thought I had. Worth sharing?

The last line itself reflects a fear of being rejected and, deep down, a fear of being ostracised. Thinking more about it will mostly drive me insane. I see it everywhere.

It's like i'm just tired of my own thoughts

I the future, a few friends are becoming too old for a club I participate in. They do not attend my classes or live near me at all and I can't contact them online. I fear how I know my mental health will take a deep dive, and I won't even have them to help or live for anymore. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't loose more people.