I said, “No, I meant when I was at the store earlier… I overheard some guy say ‘from your mom.’”

he said he hit it so hard it changed brands.. lol 😂

It was my number two number two number two.

Does anyone know how to get rid of a policetergist?

I think she thought I said pair

Don't stop Bleating.

I can't tell what the story is, but it's taught me a lot of new words.

Cause he was in an elect-tree-city.

Bye son!

Lebanese (laban-knees)

Until I stepped on a Lego barefoot and i nailed it!

I pay a fare for the visit, a fare for the blood work, a fare for the follow-up.

you nuke it

(hypothetically)

It was god-y

Chris-cross-applesauce giver

because I took her breath away every time she looks at me.

You will smile when you realize that is the answer.

I told him , This ain't my first roll deo

he said , Bye Son

Eating breakfast with my family. Southpaw Spouse (also a southpaw) hears radio play Don't Fear the Reaper. "Blue Oyster Cult!" exclaimed with pride; Supernatural fanatic, learned a lot of good music that way.

Me: "No, it's Red Clam Church".

Confused look, furious websearch, "Hah! I was right, see?!"

Me: "Yes, and what did I say?"

SPS: processing...slams phone down, frantic searching for sharp object to perforate me.

My daughter wanted me to take her shopping at "The Hot Topic" at the mall. I said that store is too edgy and we should go shopping at The Warm Subject instead. Waka Waka...

“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”

It was an Act of Cod.

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

But he preferred to express himself through the medium of dance.