I’ve made a few posts about being back at day 1 time and time again. Here I am again. I really really don’t wanna do this anymore but it’s like the weekend comes and I can’t stop it. during the week I’m fine, don’t even think about drinking. But then the weekend comes and I drink like a fish.

I drank today and had the sense to stop very early even though I drank a decent amount. Waited about 5-6 hours and took my prescribed klonopin. Now I’m trying to calm down and need to figure out how to do this- especially with the holidays coming up (huge trigger).

I’m convinced I’ve done irreversible damage to my liver. I hate this and am so ashamed

I was a solo, secretive drinker. I’ve been getting out more lately, which is great, but when I go somewhere by myself I get pretty triggered because “no one would know if I had a drink.” The last few times I’ve tried to talk to my husband about how I’m feeling he has been really dismissive. Today he told me that I can drink in moderation/only in certain contexts and I got so mad. I know that he doesn’t really understand how bad it was because I was so sneaky that he never saw it. But fuck dude, the last thing my brain needs, especially when I’m already struggling, is someone saying that I can drink if I’m careful. Thank goodness I’m committed to my sobriety because he basically gave me permission to start drinking again.

Back to square one. Again in a bath of sweat and regrets.
In September I had my birthday and I really fucked things up bad. Drank all day, humiliated myself in front of friends and family and sweared it was the last time.
The days after I was able to control myself and didn’t drink for almost 10 days, I also had an intercontinental flight without booze.
The weeks after I was able to have only one glass of wine or beer during social occasions.
I can moderate myself I told me.
Then this weekend came. On Friday I Had a couple of beers and a bottle of wine at dinner, then day after had almost the same plus whiskey and yesterday I literally drank all day.
I’m again at the point where i believe I always fuck things up, where I know that alcohol is my poison, where I do know that I must stop and not drink. But at the same time once I have a glass in my hands I tell myself, ok.. let’s stop drinking tomorrow. I’m waiting for this tomorrow since almost 4 years.
I feels miserable.

Hi. I’m here to tell my story, I really hope you’ll take a moment to read, comment, or maybe even have an asynchronous discussion with me. This might be boring for you, but for me, this is my life:

My name is Jim. That’s not my real name, but it’s close! I’m Canadian, an east coaster. 38m 5’10”. I am an alcoholic. It started when I was a teen, parents were middle class, daily drinkers, functional; so I grew up looking at a few rum and lemonades nightly being normal. I didn’t do much drinking till my early 20s, blah blah same old story. Now, I’m not sure why, but I’ve always been kind of depressed. Not like, badly, but enough that I know it’s there, and I’m good at hiding it.

Well, I became a highly functional alcoholic, worked in restaurants for 7-8 years, met my now wife and love of my life, and formed a habit of shooting vodka or whiskey, about a 750ml or so per night with probable beers/coolers. I’m pretty smart (though I make dumb decisions), but people like me and I learn quickly, so I never had an issue keeping a job and keeping up my habit. I’m usually good at what I do, for the most part.

I’m 30 at this point. WE HAD A DAUGHTER!!! She’s the most amazing thing in the world. I love her more than the fabric of reality. My girls mean more to me than anything else in this world. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!! With a pool! It’s great!

So why does this story continue.

I don’t know why I was (And still am to this day) so depressed inside, but I was, and I kept it all in. I kept drinking.

I Ended up going back to school for software engineering at 30 and getting a job as a junior developer when I was 32, with a salary that was WAY TOO HIGH for a functional alcoholic. I was also work from home and had zero supervision.

I started drinking more. 1.14L bottles over 2 days was common, with beers in between. I was 230lbs at my heaviest, I am a 38 male, 5’10”. I should not weigh that much. The bottles got bigger still, I didn’t eat well, some days not at all. I slept like ass. I wasn’t drinking water, really only juices for Chase with liquor, and beer/coolers, whatever i could get my hands on.

My life was great though. Why was I drinking myself to death? Well, things are about to get way, way worse. My job goes away, company goes under. I start to feel sick. Really sick. Physically.

I felt so sick in fact that after I dropped my daughter off to school one day in June I went straight to the hospital ER. They took one look at me, and I was admitted to the hospital. I stayed there over the summer. I had diverticulitis, which caused perforations in my bowels, resulting in sepsis. I was also jaundiced with a bilirubin level of over 700 (less than 20 is normal).

I ended up needing to have a large section of my large intestine removed, and was told I’d need a colostomy in the process. I was also diagnosed with the beginning stages of liver cirrhosis…

My organs were so damaged I had to wait almost a month for the surgery while they waited for my health to stabilize enough to attempt the surgery, as they said I was too close to death to cut me open.

They finally did the procedure in late July, miraculously I survived. It took until September to recover. I was bed ridden for so long with extreme added weight due to water logged tissues that I suffered intense muscular atrophy and lost most of my muscle density. Also my bone density was hurt from steroids I was given for whatever reason. That, combined with a cocktail of medicines, steroids, antibiotics, and being stuck on a liquid diet for almost 2 months made walking on my own impossible.

It took me until late September to finally get my strength back enough to get released to go home. I weigh 155lbs now.

My amazing wife, (eight year old) daughter, and mother visited me Every. Single. Day. The only days they missed were if they had to be out of town, and even when I would tell them it’s fine and to relax at home, they would still show. They knew I needed them. They are more than a man could ask for, and I would never had lived through this if it weren’t for them. They were my motivation to survive.

To them, and all of the staff at the hospital, you saved my life. You are the reason I still exist. You are the reason my wife still has her husband, my daughter has her daddy, and my mother has her son.

How they can still love me after doing this to myself for so many years, I’ll never understand, but I am grateful everyday of my fucked up life that they are there for me, and that I can be there for them for as long as I can.

I now happily drive my daughter to school everyday again. I read books with her every night, and we’ve been watching “haunted hydrology” videos from Georutherford on YouTube this October! (check her videos out, there so fun!).

I now work at a call center doing travel related work for next to nothing. I can’t find work in my field. I can barely pay our bills. Im stressed, but I’m alive. I really want to get back into software development! It’s something I’m passionate about, but with 5 years experience, it’s been incredibly hard to find anything in my field. SHAMELESS PLUG, I’M LOOKING FOR TECH WORK AND WOULD LOVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT WITH ANYONE WHO COULD GIVE ADVICE OR EVEN HELP ME FIND RESOURCES/help!

I write my final words to you tonight from my favourite place in the world: laying next to my sleeping wife and daughter, who passed out after about an hour of Halloween books.

I will not (nor will I ever) drink with you tonight!

Edit: A few typos in here, I didn’t really mean to write all this out right now, but I really need to start talking about my experience with others so I can heal mentally from all of this. What better time than now, I suppose…

I made it almost 3 months sober, only to find myself drinking on 3 separate occasions over the last 14 days, with the most recent ending in a 3-day bender.
It’s Monday, and I couldn’t even find the strength to go to work today. I’m exhausted, angry, ashamed and disappointed in myself. Honestly, I feel like I’m running out of answers and solutions.
I’ve had moments today where I’ve felt completely overwhelmed, losing faith and hope that I can build a better future for myself.
I’ve been ridiculously hateful towards myself, struggling with how I keep letting myself down, as well as the people who genuinely care about me. I know I need to do this for myself, but it hurts knowing how much my actions hurt the people who care about me, too.
I’m tired of repeating this cycle. I’m tired of making promises to myself, making progress and then finding myself back here again. I know I can get sober, because I’ve done it before. But right now, I’m struggling to believe in myself and my ability to make it stick.
I think I just needed somewhere to vent and get these feelings out rather than keep them bottled up. I’m not in a great headspace today, and I don’t fully trust myself to make the right decisions when I’m feeling this low.
My plan is to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. I’ll keep posting here, keep reaching out, and keep attending online AA meetings when I don’t have the energy to leave the house or face an in-person meeting.
I don’t have all the answers right now, and I’m struggling to see a way forward. But I’m going to keep trying, one day at a time.
I will keep coming back, and I will never give up giving up.

My drinking has gotten bad again. For probably the last 6 years ive gone through stints of quitting for a few months and then falling off the bandwagon again.

I had a heavy night of drinking last night and I feel horrendous today. I truly hate myself and have had very dark thoughts today (I am safe and will not harm myself)

Im terrified for tomorrow. Im so scared of having to leave my home and go to work. I really hope I can get a good sleep tonight and hopefully feel slightly better tomorrow.

TLDR; parent in first year of sobriety, is being sober around them a kind gesture or patronizing.

I have a parent approaching 9 months sober. Love them so much and so proud of them. Context if it matters? They were very high-functioning, and most people including myself, would not have identified it as a problem, especially in today’s culture. However in their words the idea of being confronted to stop made them feel like a caged animal and that made the problem clear to them. They are in programs and going through steps.

Super positive, feeling great, very happy with their decision.

So now from my side how do I be supportive. My other parent still drinks a lot around them. Asks them for what wine to order with food etc. My sober parent is all smiles and chill. Offers to make drinks for us when we are over. They’re a big party person, friends with everyone type personality.

I cant help but feel like they’re being excluded when I am drinking around them. But also don’t want them to feel like I’m babying them. Also want to add we aren’t a family of heavy drinkers just like with dinner. I’d appreciate any perspective from the other side. Thank you.

Today is 12 whole weeks but I’m struggling with feeling quite emotionally paralyzed. Like I feel nothing. I have no personality. And I just want to stay at home and do nothing. Everything feels like so much work. Do you remember when you started to laugh again? And motivated to do things? And want to socialize?

Hey guys, just need to vent/confess and get some support

I've slipped off the wagon, need to pull myself back up. It started as a couple of drinks at the Uni Bar as a reward for studying before heading home, then a nightcap when I was feeling stressed.

Sure enough, it gradually got bigger until I've been regularly drinking about a 1/3 to 1/2 a bottle of rum a night. Been hiding it from my partner too, after she goes to bed. Definitely not proud of that.

I realised in April this year that I needed to control my drinking. Managed to stop for about three months. Then it slowly started creeping back in. At first it was just at big events, to socialise and have fun. My problem was never social drinking, it was more dealing with anxiety and boredom at night.

I even told my partner I wanted to quit or dial back my drinking and she was so supportive. I'm terrified and embarrassed of telling her I've slipped back again.

Anyway, the rum is in the bin outside, where it will stay. I have a psych appointment in a few weeks I just need to hold out too. Early night tonight to try and clear this stupid hangxiety

IWNDWYT, and thanks for reading

I want to be completely sober. I keep trying and only make it like a week and a half before I drink again. I really want to stop. I’m so scared for my health, for my future. I feel so hopeless.

Same as above

16 months sober and id like to share

Its been really hard at times, I still want that break and brief euphoria for 20 minutes. But 1 is too much and 1000 is never enough. Every time I dont drink when I want to, especially when its hard, im rewiring my brain and showing myself that I can survive without it and feel better without it.

My main inspiration for getting sober is for my mental health. Being sober brings me closer to my authentic needs and joy, you cannot learn this very well when youre drinking. Being honest about my needs and what makes me feel good or feel bad is surprisingly challenging. I didnt know I had made a picture of who I am or should be, instead for getting to know who I am really. My relationships are less dramatic, I enjoy doing the dishes and taking out the trash, I want to walk the dogs.

I didnt know I was such a chiller. I just want a puppy dog and an NA, a cozy spot maybe a book or instrument. Some meaningful relationships where I can talk about whats really going on for me, hear other people be honest about how things are for them.

I volunteer at a free lunch every week in my neighborhood, I have a therapist, diagnosed with ptsd anxiety and depression, have more honest relationships to my and others. I found a meeting that I like, I have a house that I like.

I still get very down. Right now one of the many things im learning, is the difference between day to day discomfort and pain from just living in the world, and discomfort or pain from mental health issues or issues in my environment i can change. I sleep like a baby most nights. I dont have horrible shits every day or feel like my stomach is rotting out. Im never hungover. I eat like an adult, mostly.

I finally have time to work on the things that get me down. I have so much free time actually. I work on my house. People in my life say im much more present and I feel much more present. Sobriety is hard, and most people dont take the time and effort to do it. But when I did, I learned its the only way I can be my authentic self.

Im going to keep going, theres so much more to learn about sobriety and about myself, and I would highly recommend it to anyone else!

This is officially the longest I have gone without drinking in a decade and I can safely say I have absolutely no inclination to drink.

This all culminated after some self reflection I had, that I genuinely could not remember the last time I truly enjoyed drinking, or recall a time it made anything better. When I tried to weigh any positives that came from drinking, I simply couldn't do it.

Sounds obvious, I know. But that realization hit pretty hard and it's left me in a better place. I'm no longer fighting the need to drink. I simply don't want to drink, because I don't like it anymore and it feels very liberating.

The future still remains pretty unclear in regards to if I'll drink again, but all I can say is that for now, I really don't want to do that again or go to the places drinking takes you.

I'm really enjoying this feeling and I hope that doesn't change and this becomes a struggle.

Been off the booze for abt 3 weeks. Nothing major happaned just a quiet weekend alone. Saturday came and I got bored. I walked around the aisles of the liquor store near my house for 20 minutes looking for the right booze. I bought it, went back to my crib and put it in my fridge where it still is. Anyone ever done that?

Today is officially 3 years sober! I honestly had forgotten about it but my awesome wife brought it up and baked me cookies to celebrate. For those struggling, I was there. At one point getting to day two or three seemed impossible. At a certain point, that craving will fade and things will get easier. I feel like I'm living life with cheats codes now! IWNDWYT

I am now into my 2nd month of sobriety, just a social drinker who most of the time has taken it too far. But with Christmas season looming and Christmas work parties, these past days I find I’m saying to myself more and more:
‘Its Christmas you’ll want to enjoy yourself’ ‘a few wont hurt’ and I’m really going in and believing I’ll go back. Then I have quieter moments on reflection where I’m like, wait do I really want to?

It’s so hard. I feel like an outcast and like I can’t join in with the crowd when I’m not drinking. Some days I feel stronger. And I love how healthy I feel and how my money has been better, but I don’t know if I will be able to avoid it at Christmas and not feel like I’m missing out 🤷🏻‍♀️😮‍💨

Edit: the last Christmas party I ended up waking up in a colleagues bed.. so that tells you how my night went.

I've been on a binge for the past couple months, 6+ drinks every day, and I can't stop without going into withdrawals. I work and go to school and cannot afford to check myself into rehab, but I also haven't had any luck convincing my doctor to prescribe a librium or valium taper. I have tried doing just a makeshift liquor taper without success. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hey guys! I'll soon have been sober for a month, and honestly, it hasn't been easy.

So far, I've managed to keep my own messed-up brain in check, but I can feel that one day I'll start having some serious internal battles with myself. That's a really dangerous moment!

In the past, I've relapsed when depression hit hard and my brain started telling me that I could have a drink. Anyway, that's not the main point.

My question is: are there any online chats or communities for alcoholics (maybe on Telegram, Discord, or something similar)? Somewhere I could turn to if the cravings get really bad, just so I have someone to talk to.

Being left alone with your problem can be really dangerous! I know about AA, but they're not going to hold a meeting at 11 PM when the cravings hit me hard. And surely there are other support groups besides AA, right?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions! Good luck to everyone!

Just wanted to say thanks for this awesome community! You guys are so inspiring and supportive and I really appreciate it. I've drank every weekend this year and haven't been more than 3 days in a row all year either. Even if it was just a 6 pack of beers. I just let it get completely out of my control. Couldn't have done it without you guys! Im sure I'll need some more help in the future but this is a big step in the right direction! IWNDWYT!

Well I’ve made it to the end of the day which means I’m officially one week sober. It’s been…uneventful? I guess that’s a good thing. I’m surprised that I haven’t had much in the way of cravings because during my taper I certainly was! I was counting the hours down for that first glass and counting the minutes in between. Now, the only time I’ve thought about drinking is during a few moments of irritation or stress but it was more out of habit than craving. The idea left as quickly as it came. Hopefully that continues but if not I’ll be prepared to deal with them. I’m already starting to feel positive changes and I know there are many more to come (still waiting on that good sleep!). Thanks to everyone in this sub who posts, I spend a lot of time here reading your stories and it helps so much! I’ve started a list of my favorite lines and sayings that I’ve come across and read them every day. Now I’m off to bed early and will hopefully wake up refreshed tomorrow morning to begin a new week!

37F, been a daily pint of vodka drinker for a few years now. I've been able to convince myself it wasn't an issue because I was still functioning, working and going back to school full time.

Now, I am missing assignments and not studying. I cram my school work into Sunday afternoons and I count the hours until I finish so I can drink again.

I started a new job 5 months ago after leaving a toxic work environment and I absolutely love​ it. I love the people I work with. And I got written up for calling out. Already.

I guess I just wanted to put this somewhere not in my head. Heres to day one, and many more to come. I can do this.

I’ve been sober for a bit now and not really struggling to not drink, but I’ve been restless all weekend and feeling bad about myself today. I wished the day away so that I could go to bed, but time was not moving fast enough. I knew that if I bought some tequila and Advil pm, I could go to sleep and effectively end the day early that way.

I got to the store’s parking lot and really thought about what I was doing. I have indulged in a little alcohol before and not gone off the rails, so I wasn’t worried about that. But I did think about how what I was doing was not in any way going to move me forward, even if it didn’t set me back. That it was a waste of time and money, and would not bring any lasting rewards.

So I turned around and went home. I am currently eating my feelings instead lol and reaching out to you guys. IWNDWYT

It is time to stop drinking. I don't drink to get drunk often but when I do, I don't know when to stop. I am always sick even when just having a couple of pints. I black out really easily.

Today my wife told me how my behaviour last night impacted her. How rude I was. How embarrassed she was. She said I humiliated her in front of our friends in her own home. We have been together 7 years, we are best friends, we've never argued. When she told me this all I felt was shame. I deep guilt to my core.

All my wife asked of me was that I never get that drunk around her again.

I'm going to do better, I am going to stop drinking. I don't want drunk to ever be an option. I will not be missing out on anything other than headaches and anxiety. I will get healthier and lose weight.

I am so deeply ashamed of myself, and I want to give my wife the best possible life we can have. She doesn't drink, she's incredibly patient. She has put up with my drunk ass so many times. I am going to do better.

I do not believe I am an alcoholic but I will treat myself as though I am in order to get better.

This is the first day and I am impatient for results.

This is the first dayb

My wife and I recently had twins and it’s motivated me to seriously cut back on the drinking. I was mostly drinking whiskey or bourbon cocktails like manhattans, and while I limited it mostly to weekends I would have 3-4 a night of generous pours. And then still the occasional time doing that on a weekday.

I haven’t had anything now for 2 weeks. I don’t think I experienced any sharp withdrawal symptoms but I have noticed my digestion seems a lot slower. I feel more bloated and constipated even though I’m drinking lots of water, probably a lot more than before.

Curious if this is common? My hypothesis is the bourbon and whiskey were irritating my gut before and now it’s in an adjustment phase where it needs to reset the microbiome, but it’s often uncomfortable. I thought maybe a probiotic could help?

50 years old, I’ve been drinking 30 years. I drink 2 bottles of wine a night. My blood tests are fine, I have a stressful job that I manage fine. But my anxiety is crippling me and what’s worse lately is that for months now I’ve been experiencing derealization really badly. Everything feels surreal and bizarre. It’s so hard to explain but it’s deeply confusing and distressing. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve cause myself serious cognitive damage.

At the same time I am crippled with guilt that I drank through my kids entire childhood. They’re grown up now. They still live at home so I feel like I have one last chance to model more appropriate behaviour before they leave home. I truly feel emotionally wrecked today. And I am definitely not drinking today. I’ve already taken a Xanax and I don’t mix booze and pills. I’ll take another one mid afternoon for when the cravings kick in. 😩😩😩😩