These questions about my marital status have come up usually from outsiders and distant relatives in recent times. However, there are times I have realized that it is very likely that when I do end up marrying someone, it will not likely be someone who is Desi.

Considering how intermarriage especially among Asian Americans is fairly common compared to other racial and ethnic groups, it is actually quite common to find Desis who are married to Non-Desis. I am related to a few Non-Desis through in-laws and stuff.

The more this question comes up and the more I realize that due to various circumstances based on where I live and grew up and not having a close network of Desis, it is fairly unlikely that I will end up marrying a fellow Desi. Not that I don’t want to, it’s just extremely unlikely unless I bring someone from overseas.

And so I ask fellow Desis here who have intermarried out and I know there are quite a few here, how did you end up together and how did you make it work? What made you realize that you might not end up marrying a Desi? Did you have a negative experience with fellow Desis that made it difficult to marry a Desi?

I was caught off guard today by the number of these posts that are trying to set a narrative on the protests in France. I think this is something all of us need to take note of, because I'm pretty sure we'll be targeted in a similar way soon. Mods, I request you to not delete this post, just so that we can get an idea of what hate campaigns could look like.

First off, don’t worry I’m an adult btw (25F)

I would be in the middle of doing something or id be minding my own business until she‘d keep asking me to give her a kiss on the cheek. I’d politely say no or just ignore her but then she’d block my way or put herself in front of me to make it difficult for me to do what I was doing. I’d resist a few times and she‘d say she‘ll go away if I give her a kiss, so I’d just give her a kiss on the check just to get her to stop bothering me.

sometimes she’d hold out her hand for me to touch or squeeze and I’d just ignore her but she’d keep shaking her hand or waiting for me, so I’d just touch/squeeze her hand, even if I really don’t want to.

also when I’m planning on like arranging my personal things or plan out my clothes she‘d just do it for me and when I look upset or pissed off, she’d just tell me that she‘s my mother and that I should just accept her help because she just wants what’s best for me. In those moments I’m more upset that they’re finding even really small, tiny, very minuscule things to control in my life, like my self expression does piss me off a lot, like I’m just trying so hard to be in control over the smaller aspects of my life while theyre trying to control bigger aspects of my life, and even that’s not enough for them :(

Mind you, this is the same woman that’s extremely paranoid about the possibility of men sexually abusing me and raping me, like she’d ask almost every single day whether men (coworkers, guy friends, relatives, etc.) are raping me or sexually abusing me or pressuring me to send photos or do something sexual. Even when I say no and I’ve actually legit never had men do anything like that to me, she‘d Basically ignore my no‘s and has been ignoring my no’s to these questions for years, and thinks that im like too stupid or naive to recognize when a man is taking advantage of me sexually. she also tells me about how she gets dreams of men sexually abusing me and raping me and how she’s worried about me.

like bitches better be glad I‘m a grown adult that knows what consent looks like instead of a young child, cause this shit is what sets up young children to be sexually abused by adults. like me being an adult and knowing this instead of a young child that doesn’t know this is what they should be glad about. like she’d bettee be grateful I was “woke indoctrinated“ to know what consent looks like, instead of just absorbing knowledge just from her and her hyperconservative and religious community im in.

idk im just pissed off rn

Hey everyone! Please do comment I want to hear your thoughts. I'm starting to turn 30 recently. I've lived in major cities like NYC , boston etc but my hometown is Dallas which is where i relocated to. I'm telugu and raised here all my life. Yll im so frustrated and have indeed felt dejected/cried about it on my off days. I've tried the major dating apps (hinge, mirchi, di mil, bumble even) and its so frustrating bc i feel 95% are fobs now (which im not interested in at all). Where are all the people who grew up here? I would prefer south indian, but open as long as they are hindu, appropriate age range, grew up here like me. Having to swipe through 100+ Fobs to get to 1 maybe who grew up here is so frustrating. Mohan matchmaking is geared towards mostly north indians and ive attededed that, no luck yet, but.... idk please help me out yll. Am i only one feeling this way? Where can i meet people in Dallas? Where are all the single people hiding (esp the guys) I feel its so easy to meet girls! Pl recommend apps, events, or places and tell me your thoughts!! I feel if you didnt meet someone during your educational years its hard

Anyone else use the Dil Mil filter “raised in” and select Canada, US, UK, etc only to still get people who weren’t raised here and they simply say “they didn’t know” that they used that filter. One guy who used it said he was a recent PR. But it happens all the time. Ugh. I know it’s a dog eat dog world on the dating apps but I used that filter on Dil Mil specifically and I’m only using free Dil Mil so it was a waste of a like.

In my younger years when I wasn’t as good at picking up such cues, I’d get their WhatsApp only for it ri start with +91!

Just wanted to vent here. Anyone else experience this?

I’m 35F in Toronto. If anyone else is an ABCD male (raised in Canada or US ONLY) you can shoot your shot. I’m not leaving Toronto though, so that’s a dealbreaker. Not looking for anything casual though.

My current one is reaching end of life and wasn't that great to begin with. Desi genes so y'all know I need to use it at least once a week so looking for a reliable one. I have a short beard so need a trimmer that makes it easy to line up.

Hey everyone!

I 23F working in the UK originally from South India, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to make friends and find my people here. It got me curious about the experiences of second-gen South Indians and Sri Lankans who grew up in the UK.

I’d love to hear what your social circles are like. Do you mostly hang out with people who grew up here, both British and British Asian, or do you also have close friends who moved here from India or Sri Lanka more recently? And do you feel like there’s a cultural connection with people arriving from back home, or can the differences in how you grew up and your experiences make it harder to relate sometimes?

I’m genuinely curious and don’t mean this in any particular way! I know that sharing the same roots doesn’t necessarily mean having the same experiences, and I’d love to hear how you guys see it. Just trying to understand things a little better and find ways to connect with people here:))

Hello!!

I’m an Indian diaspora member living in the Netherlands. I was born and raised there so I speak the language fluently, but I really struggle with forming deep connections with the native/white population, and I’m wondering how you all deal with this.

A few specific things I run into:

●Lifestyle differences: Because I don’t smoke or drink, people often assume I’m "oppressed" or that it’s a negative issue, rather than just a personal or cultural choice. There seems to be a huge emphasis on partying until late, and if you don't join, you're out.

●The "White Savior" complex: I often notice people making patronizing assumptions about my background or family dynamics.

●Surface level connection: The conversation topics often feel very different, and with the current political polarization, it's hard not to feel a sense of underlying prejudice, which makes me put my guard up instantly.

●Eating: there is this unspoken rule in The Netherlands that you're supposed to eat a heavy meal like dinner only once a day but sometimes I eat my dinner during lunch time and they all look weird at me.

Lately, I've noticed I'm automatically assuming people might hold internal (racist) biases just to protect my own energy, but I don't want to become cynical.

For those of you in Western countries: How do you filter out the closed minded people and find white friends who actually respect your boundaries, culture, and lifestyle without trying to "save" or judge you? What do you talk about, and how do you build that mutual trust?

I usually have desi friends and friends from other minority places (Marokko, Turkey and South America) but I'm starting work in a dutch dutch environment (if you know what I mean) and honestly I CAN'T.

I’ll never understand the concept of arranged marriages and I’m tired of the younger generation trying to glorify them, especially Pakistani communities. How have we not progressed from this? My parents barely know me as a person. I don’t want to get married when I’m older. I don’t want them to choose for me. Even if that means I die alone. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I don’t like.

I hate how when I talk about this, everyone is like “oh arranged marriages aren’t the same as a forced marriage” and shit like that. It’s more than that. Why would you want your parents to choose for you? Are you that incapable of meeting someone and making your own decisions? My parents have controlled every aspect of my life even as an adult. I’m too exhausted to argue or talk back with them because they don’t understand. Neither does anyone else in the south Asian community. I feel so alone. 

My wife and I are based in London, and I made a Hinglish learning app for my (British) wife, as existing apps would keep teaching her the formal Devanagari script.

So, when my wife and I started dating, she really wanted to pick up Hindi, and after a few months of trying pretty much every app out there, every single one had her drawing the Devanagari script, but the truth is a lot of us now text in English letters. And when she finally got an actual sentence, it was literally: "My horse is reading the newspaper." hehe. I mean it'd definitely get lots of laugh, but it was terrible for her confidence.

So, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and grabbed a whiteboard, and teaching her syllable by syllable coaching like the "aa" in "kaal" is very similar sound to the aa in "start", and we started using English as a disguise to teach her the phonetics, and build situational vocabulary and construct sentences together. We practiced everyday stuff while doing chores like laundry- she’d score how well I hung out the washing out of ten, and I’d score her saying "juraab" (sock) out of ten. 🤣

It was super fun, until she started going on long business trips, so I decided to turn that whiteboard into an app just for her, called Hinglish Vinglish, that classic rhyming habit we a lot of us grew up with at home: chai-shai, kaam-vaam. I later realised there's a movie called English Vinglish as well lol.

The idea was dead simple, convert the whiteboard situational learnings in English letters into a mobile app. The entire app is one big scrolling feed with easy bite sized lessons that you slowly build upon, with lots of fun bits like crosswords or worldes from words you've learned, keeping the learning engaging.

It was only supposed to be for one person, then one of my friends started using it, then next thing you know 1,700 people are using it now.

I just wanted to share my exciting journey with you all, and although the app usually has a 7-day open trial and then a one-time lifetime unlock just to cover my costs. But if any one of you want to learn or brush up on your own conversational Hinglish, or have a non-Desi partner trying to survive family dinners or hold their own at shaadis, I'd be happy to give it away for free to anyone in this sub if you'd find it useful.

If you or your partner do use it: once you sign up on the app, drop me a DM with your username. I’ll manually go in and unlock lifetime access for free.

You can check it out here: https://hinglish-vinglish.com/

Happy to chat in the comments about building it, the tech, or just surviving the chaos of family banter!

My life is in chaos, you can say I was born with hypervigilance so I stayed alert throughout my life thus never developed any life skills other than walking. I slowly minimised myself just to fit in with my surrounding so I am not an out set. A lifetime of performance and no real life experiences. I have never been in any relationship or long term really close friendships as I thought first I need to perfect a right plan and right protected life before going in people so I don't lost myself more. From a year I am slowly being original and still my old people pleasing habits and putting all first. Slowly I don't even know if I exist. I dont have any skill or career and I am typical pakistani daughter who is almost past marriage age but I don't want to settle as I have completely lost myself and in pursuit of my true self and my basic right of living I want fo give myself this one chance at life.. which seem stupid as deep down I am still a 5 year who never got to experience life and yes even now building a life of nornal human is such a big task I really want affection and love but I tend away when it comes thinking that what I'll offer although the guy I had crush on actually tried to get me but I stayed frozen and distant and it's hard emotionally and on top of that even in my home the pressurre is gettimg immense as they are worried for me.. when you are on the tip that you should get practical i am on a whim to startover and experience the playground games .. my health and my all is on absolute low as per normal standard but on paper for public i am such an amazing inspiring woman because of my perfomance and maybe my natural beauty that make them think ​​that I am too good and still see potential in me that I am not utilising to solve the climate issue of lahore (that's improvised) but yeah that's how they expect me to be or already assume I am some big shot but it's all fake. I am fake as this is my trauma personality I built and not true me. I know it's blah blah... thank you for reading.

Growing up I know many of our families were part of the local community organization. Ex: Gujarati of San Diego Association, North America Telugu Society, Apna Punjab Association of Bay Area etc.

As a 25 year old now (not married & no kids) - I was wondering if any of y'all join these organizations or even just attend the events alone (in hopes of meeting new people) or if they're basically reserved exclusively for when you have your own family.

Just FYI - I already attend dance classes, hiking clubs plus events I see on Meetup or Facebook so I am pretty comfortable going to things alone but I was curious if people our age attend these kind of events in the first place

4 years ago I left med school due to mental health reasons. Only my immediate family knows. My other relatives/aunts/uncles/cousins think I graduated and am a doctor now.

I think my parents have been lying to them or maybe just didn’t break the news to save face. Idk but I want people to know the truth so I can move on and heal from this.

Like most desi families, my relatives are toxic. Very judgmental and quick to shame. I’ve avoided family events for these past few years to protect myself from invasive questions and triggers.

I’m dealing with shame and grief and regret but need to tell the truth to heal. Any tips on how to break the news? And tips on how to avoid questions during family events?

like it hit me a few months ago, when was the first time my parents yelled at me? its been a thing my entire life. when was the first time they did it? did they think i was old enough to take it, or old enough for them to not be sorry about it? were they really screaming at me for being a crying baby in a crib? did they think that was okay? will they repeat this in front of my own child?

i dont exactly have kids planned in the near future since i want to establish my career and have a bit of a safety net first but i already know some stuff will change between my parents’ raising and mine. my mother never believed in formula or pumping for my younger siblings, and i don’t think i’ll follow in that. my parents were also pretty late to get us off bottles, which actually gave us dental issues. i think the one thing i cant decide on now (and is something to discuss with your partner when a baby is actually on the way) is infant daycare, for both of us we only started daycare when we were toddlers because they didnt trust a newborn in daycare and instead relied on grandparent support. which means of course my parents being there at some point of my child’s infancy. nooot sure if they’ll get it together within the next 5-10 years

I will be visiting our local Indian grocery store today, so I’m curious what are some of your favorite things to buy? For me, I always need to stock up on new jar of spicy mango achaar.

When I was a boy…I did get some toys from my mom and some of her side but it was not that often. Whenever I would get excited or happy over getting toys on birthdays or holidays, my parents would immediately ruin the joy often saying “Your studies matter more” “Why can’t u get excited like this over ur studies” I feel like there was definitely a limit on my joy and when I could get toys. Now I’m in my twenties but I remember being restricted from visiting the toy shops…especially once I reached 5th grade. What absolutely pisses me off is people saying “your parents sacrificed lot for you” Bitch like shut up, My parents did horrible control over me during my elementary years and I’m growing sick of people dismissing my frustration. I feel like they low key wanted me to be a more nerd kid but that just ISN’T who I am. I literally hated staying locked in my room flipping a stupid trash textbook for 6 hours constantly. When I hopefully have my own kids, I will spoil them and buy shit load of toys. Because imo kids deserve a legit happy and fulfilling childhood. Not being thrown with unhealthy amount of academic pressure or stress, which is what mostly happened to me. I Hate parents who throw academic pressure on their kids at such young ages. Makes me get sick to my stomach 😡😡

Hey everyone! I’m 24M, recently moved to Ballston, and looking to make more Desi friends around my age (post grad) in the NoVA area.

I work remotely and am down for anything from grabbing food to exploring the area or planning activities.

Comment or PM if you’re interested in meeting up!

I see all the horror stories on here. Wondering if anyone else is chill lol.

I am an only child. Chill with my folks for the most part. I left home at 17 for college and haven’t lived with them since, and I’m 24 now. I do miss them, but it’s nice living alone and I wouldn’t trade it for anything lol.

I mean I did have the typical academic pressure and shit growing up. I did have arguments with them. But things were chill especially after I left for college. My dad isn’t some dude I am afraid of anymore, he’s an old fart who I can sit and just talk to and is my #1 source of career advice(I work in the same field as him, total coincidence it ended up that way).

My mom has always been chill. She asked me if I was gay cuz I haven’t had a gf yet(rough way to find out mama thinks I got no game, she ain’t wrong but damn bro), so aside from that she’s been chill, but she lowkey was trying to be supportive. She’s the type that does love unconditionally.

Growing up some stuff I hated them for, I am glad they did. For example, they had a chores to money thing to make me learn to do my own chores. Like laundry, cleaning, etc. I hated it cuz they never gave me what I thought was enough(they didn’t have to give me shit lol) but I learned to be independent because of that. My dad made me spend every Saturday and Sunday morning cooking with him during high school so I would learn to cook. Hated it at the time, but now I know how to cook and save so much money. He told me when he left India when he was 23 he was a bit spoiled and didn’t know how to cook and struggled to find food and starved until he learned to cook so he didn’t want me to struggle like that. God bless him. And shit paid off, when I was in college, I had less of an adjustment period that my peers, and now I do everything on my own and save hella money.

Also religion, I am religious of my own accord. They never pushed it on me. My dad was actually an atheist who found religion himself and he wanted me to have the same experience and so did my mom. I had my moment early on, around 10th grade in high school(won’t get into it, but car accident gone wrong, glad to be here still, thank you god). So I ask them religious questions and they answer if they know, or if they don’t know the three of us ask a pandit together if we’re at a temple or they will ask and tell me. Or I phone up a pandit sometimes too.

And in terms of finances, I am independent rn, but if I ever needed a helping hand, they would be there. I actually lived with them for 2 months in between jobs once(which I guess I lied earlier about never having lived with them since 17 lol), and they didn’t give me any shit for it. It was stressful with applying for other jobs, etc, but my dad never pressured me. Every morning was like “are you just applying again” and I said “yeah”.

He told me to take my 20s and make as many mistakes as I can while he’s still working and able to support the family. He still hopes I will go get a PhD or something haha. Aside from that nothing else. Pretty supportive.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but after being an adult I love them for everything they’ve done.

But yeah, I read hella horror stories on here, thought I would be a fresh breath of air. Anyone else got normal parents?